Welcome back. I've red your other thread
Suicidal thoughts and self-harm /
Trigger warning, suicidal
and can see you are in a bad place, as I have been. One other the things that comes through is you have been suffering a mental illness, depression, for quite some tme, and now you have bouts of anxiety on top. This has not been helped by an unfortunate medication that made you more suicidal -I'm glad you have stopped and are trying something else.
Just in passing it took me a long tme and a fair few trials to get to the exactly right one, which is the one I still use today. Works, and no side effects!
Giving up alcohol is a pretty hard thing to do, and to go for 6 moths drink free is something I admire. The food, well I'm awful tempted to binge on chocolate, though I've managed to stop that -at least for now.I notice you talk a lot about friends and family, trying to distance themselves so they will not feel the loss if you kill yourself, and not dragging them down wiht your accounts of your feelings in the meantime.
I've sure your family feel hte same love for you as you do for them, and your friends return your affection, no matter how much you try to isolate yourself.
Can I make a suggestion?
ATM you are locking yourself in a wardrobe, self-harming (in a subtle way) and feeling suicidal on your own. Would you like to try a Safety Plan? It is not quite what you might expect, true it does have your crisis numbers, but that is not the important part. Mine has in it lists of things I enjoy, have enjoyed or given me a list -taken me way from the world for a little while as well as practical reasons for wanting to go on living.
I have comedy sketches, YouTube Clips, music, books, movies, people and pets. Actually I fond it very hard to think of these and had someone I was close to and trusted to help me remember all the good things.
The one I use is free and fits on a smartphone so it is always in easy reach if you start to get afraid or overwhelmed. You fill it in straight away in advance (which can actually be fun at times!) And sometimes change it to reflect new people and new likes, it is here :
Please let me know how you go