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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Reallyconfusedchronicanxiety

Topic: Reallyconfusedchronicanxiety

3 posts, 0 answered
  1. Miloisyum
    Miloisyum avatar
    3 posts
    25 January 2021

    Hey there fellow beautiful people.

    This is only the second time I’ve posted on here, I feel a little desperate. I am usually quite an outgoing person and quite positive, I do fall into depressive states but usually they only last a day or two, maybe a couple weeks if they’re bad. I have been feeling more anxious then anything lately but it also so made me really depressive for a time. I was suicidal for weeks, sometimes locking myself in my wardrobe l, making plans. I’ve never self harmed before, but I think I lash out on myself in a lot of self destructive ways, such as my diet.

    I feel really fat and I know it’s not healthy. I did stop drinking about 6 months ago and I feel like this started coming on since then. But anyway what’s really distressing me the most is this constant anxiety I have. I’m not used to feeling like this at all, it’s gotten to the point where if I think about going outside I start getting panicky and seeing stars. Just to go outside! The doctor gave me medication which I tried and I started hallucinating and having really bad suicidal urges I had to stop and now thinking about trying something else, is just - it seems crazy. Some days I really do want to get better and not give up on myself. My friends keep reaching out to me, I’ve kind of been isolating myself for a few months now. Sometimes I think it’s for their own good because I honestly am not myself and can’t be the friend/ person they’re wanting to reach out too and if I did end up going through with a plan then it would just involve them more. I’m usually the type of person that’s quite spontaneous and confident. Idk, I’m 24. Has anyone ever had anxiety this bad before? Sorry my stories so long and rambly. I’m kind of fed up with myself I feel ridiculous, like I just wanna shake myself and make myself go outside and stop being so dramatic - that’s honestly how I feel but I can’t physically do it it’s like there’s some block I just freeze, spin out and then end up in a ball crying or starting to make food.

    2 people found this helpful
  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6608 posts
    25 January 2021 in reply to Miloisyum
    Hi Miloisyum,

    Thanks for reaching out here. We are so sorry to hear that you've been going through such a turbulant time. We can hear that you've been really struggling and we can empathise with how desperate you are feeling right now. Please know that you are not alone in this.

    It's great to hear that you have wonderful friends who are reaching out to you. We would recommend that you do try to reach out to a trusted person. If you need some help trying to figure out how to talk about, we would recommend that you take a look at our page “Talk about it" 

    Additionally, please know that there is always support available to you. We would urge that you get in touch with Kids Help Line. They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under.

    It's really concerning that you have been engaging in self destructive behaviours around your diet. There is an organisation called the Butterfly Foundation which offers support for eating disorders and body image issues. We'd strongly recommend you check out their website - https://butterfly.org.au/

    Thank you so much for reaching out here tonight and sharing this with the community. It's so important that you reach out when you need support, and it sounds like you really need some support right now, so we want to let you know that you did the right thing coming here. We hope that you can find our community to be welcoming and comforting.
  3. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    10927 posts
    27 January 2021 in reply to Miloisyum

    Dear Miloisyum~

    Welcome back. I've red your other thread

    Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Trigger warning, suicidal

    and can see you are in a bad place, as I have been. One other the things that comes through is you have been suffering a mental illness, depression, for quite some tme, and now you have bouts of anxiety on top. This has not been helped by an unfortunate medication that made you more suicidal -I'm glad you have stopped and are trying something else.

    Just in passing it took me a long tme and a fair few trials to get to the exactly right one, which is the one I still use today. Works, and no side effects!

    Giving up alcohol is a pretty hard thing to do, and to go for 6 moths drink free is something I admire. The food, well I'm awful tempted to binge on chocolate, though I've managed to stop that -at least for now.I notice you talk a lot about friends and family, trying to distance themselves so they will not feel the loss if you kill yourself, and not dragging them down wiht your accounts of your feelings in the meantime.

    I've sure your family feel hte same love for you as you do for them, and your friends return your affection, no matter how much you try to isolate yourself.

    Can I make a suggestion?

    ATM you are locking yourself in a wardrobe, self-harming (in a subtle way) and feeling suicidal on your own. Would you like to try a Safety Plan? It is not quite what you might expect, true it does have your crisis numbers, but that is not the important part. Mine has in it lists of things I enjoy, have enjoyed or given me a list -taken me way from the world for a little while as well as practical reasons for wanting to go on living.

    I have comedy sketches, YouTube Clips, music, books, movies, people and pets. Actually I fond it very hard to think of these and had someone I was close to and trusted to help me remember all the good things.

    The one I use is free and fits on a smartphone so it is always in easy reach if you start to get afraid or overwhelmed. You fill it in straight away in advance (which can actually be fun at times!) And sometimes change it to reflect new people and new likes, it is here :

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

    Please let me know how you go

    Croix

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