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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Sick and tired of being sick

Topic: Sick and tired of being sick

  1. Guest_1055
    Guest_1055 avatar
    7655 posts
    7 May 2021 in reply to Bbydoll

    Hello Bbydoll,

    So much happening there with your body. Its overwhelming. I am so sorry you are experiencing all this. Wish I could fix it all for you.

    I do understand about the binge eating. And I have eaten someone's chocolate before as well. It was a Christmas gift, wrapped up and under the tree.

    I am sorry about your close male friend not contacting you and stuff. That must hurt your heart.

    Have you ever seen a naturopath, I know they can be expensive, just wondering if they could help you too.

    It's great that you saw the opera though. Did you enjoy going? Never been to a live opera myself. Was it on at the opera House? Not sure if that's the same as Sydney Harbour. You sound like you really like that kind of stuff, going to see plays and opera.

    Just thinking... Do you have one of those donut cushions. The ones with the hole in the middle. Would that help at all with you sitting do you think?

    I dont know what else to say about what you have experienced and experiencing with your body. Only wish I could fix it or something.

  2. Guest_1055
    Guest_1055 avatar
    7655 posts
    11 May 2021
    Just saying hello because I thought of you when I was having lunch. Hope you are doing OK today
  3. knottypigeon719
    knottypigeon719 avatar
    4 posts
    21 June 2021 in reply to Bbydoll

    are you doing okay?

    i’m not chronically ill but i feel the same way. i am so tired of being sick. i have nothing.

    we will get through this.

  4. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    150 posts
    24 June 2021 in reply to Bbydoll

    It's obvious that no one is reading these posts. I'm binge eating again and it's out of control. My weight is ballooning and it's tight on purse strings. Still have no support - although my brother did hold a lovely lunch for me. He wants nothing more to do with me.

    My female friend has gone AWOL.. and hasn't responded to my last text that was a couple of days before the last outbreak in Sydney started and I was concerned about her working down there. No one checks in on me EVER!!!

    I have some exploratory surgery soon on my abscesses/fistulas on my bottom. I've had the pre admission tests and haven't heard anything from the hospital - so it must be ok. I had my double iron infusion a few weeks ago at the same hospital as my general doctor couldn't manage my badly scarred veins! And we have been talking again about the possibility of getting a port in my chest if the iron infusions become more regular.

    I want to organize something with my male friend now that his wife is away. He should be able providing he has no new play or theatre shows in rehearsals. She hates me because of the connection I have with him and he was more affectionate in front of several of their mutual friends. I just wonder what they thought of that!!!!

  5. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6659 posts
    24 June 2021 in reply to Bbydoll
    Hi Bbydoll,

    I am really sorry to hear that you are going through so much at the moment. Dealing with mutiple health issues woud be extremely taxing on your energy and wellbeing and that in conjunction with binge eating must be a lot to have to manage. It sounds like you are not getting the support you feel you need from family/friends, which is really cruical in managing our mental health specifically.

    If you'd like to talk these feelings through, or have a counsellor talk with you about potential suport options please contact us anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 1pm-12am AEDT here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  

    Thank you for sharing this with us and being so honest about how you are feeling and what you are going through.

    Warmest Regards.
  6. Guest_1055
    Guest_1055 avatar
    7655 posts
    24 June 2021 in reply to Bbydoll

    Hi Bbydoll,

    It's simply not true that no one is reading your posts. Because I have. And have been keeping a look out for you.

    Mostly all I can do is listen to you. You voice is indeed heard.

    I am not too sure what else it is that you need.

  7. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    150 posts
    28 June 2021 in reply to Guest_1055

    I'm still binge eating. The lock down hasn't helped things. The last time I saw my brother we talked about getting a pet for me to keep me company. But I live in an apartment, so can't really have a dog. He suggested a cat- but if I end up in hospital again, I have no one that can feed it for me as he won't help out. And if it had to go to the vet, I couldn't afford to look after it.

    I feel like I'm just waiting for death. No one wants anything to do with me. I can't work. I can't study at campus. I can't afford to get the Internet because my phone company is screwing me over and no one is helping me plus I have other debts to pay off.

    The only thing I do is go to the doctors.. and wait for the next drama with my crap health.

    I should have gone to hospital last week because of one of my abscesses is causing problems but I'm supposed to get my first Pfizer shot next week. I'm seeing my GP tomorrow and will get him to check it over.

    I'm so sick of struggling with no way out. And no support.

  8. Guest_1055
    Guest_1055 avatar
    7655 posts
    28 June 2021 in reply to Bbydoll

    Ah a big hello to you Bbydoll!

    Did you consider ringing up the number Sophie suggested above? They might be able to suggest some supports in your area. Worth a shot hey.

    I am sorry you are experiencing all that you are. It is a lot of stuff going on there.

    Have you got any hobbies, anything just to get your thoughts onto something else for a while . I know you like opera, plays and those beautiful trees..

    I do hear you about the binge eating. Its tricky that one.

  9. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    150 posts
    4 July 2021 in reply to Guest_1055

    My days are going like this... sleep until early evening - roll out of bed. Watch the news. Watch home and away... binge eat and watch crap on tv until 3 or 5am etc. Brush teeth. Roll into bed. Only getting out of bed for random deliveries from online purchases or if I need to use the bathroom. I haven't been out of the house because of the lockdowns in place. But am seeing my GP this week and getting my first pfizer shot as well.

    I received a text at the end of last week saying that I had abnormal results and that I needed to make an appointment. I think I've got problems from my blood test that was taken at my pre admission tests at the local hospital a few weeks ago - my guess is that I'm still anemic. Because I'm not dealing well with the cold weather. I live in flanellette pyjamas and sleep with my electric blanket constantly on!!!

    I have no motivation to do any hobbies - occasionally I will do arts and crafts type things.

    Not really sure that ringing the number will change anything because ultimately it won't change my health situation or lack of money.

    I am going to try and see my friend for dinner and a catch up once this lockdown ends. I'm hoping he will have a bit of free time on his hands then.. as he's the closest person in my life and accepts me and my messed up health - most people don't. People don't hang around, I've been struggling with this and my health since I was a teenager. I'm in my 40s now. And I always try and organize things with my friends but I am never invited out anywhere. No one checks up on me. Only some of my online friends do - because some of them have health issues too, so they worry about me if I don't post on my Facebook account regularly.

  10. Guest_1055
    Guest_1055 avatar
    7655 posts
    4 July 2021 in reply to Bbydoll

    Good Morning Bbydoll,

    That is great you have some friends on Facebook that check up on you. They seem to care about you. Does that help you knowing that?

    Flannelette pyjamas feel so very soft and cosy.

    Yeah about the number, just thought they may be able to let you know of support services in your area. Maybe some kind of social support. Yeah I don't know.. I have never rang them up about that.

    What places do you like going out for dinner? There is this beautiful historical pub that we like to go to. There food is always so fresh. I normally get mixed steamed vegetables, hot chips with mushroom gravy. Just love looking at the old well kept building.

    There is a historical theatre in Sydney.... cannot remember the name of it. But I am thinking you may have been there, since you like live theatre and stuff. It's so beautiful inside. Do you like historical buildings?

    I am listening to you in regards to all the illnesses and things going on with the health of your body. But find it challenging to know what to say about it. Only to do your best in eating the most nutritious food your particular body can tolerate.

    I am not sure about this... But maybe people don't hang around because you keep talking about your health and focusing on that far to much. It might just get a bit much for them. I am not sure that is what you are like away from Beyond Blue though. And I mean no offense and don't want to hurt you or anything. Just throwing it out there. Depression can make it challenging... It often keeps us looking inward at ourselves. Might be even more challenging for you, because the things that are physicallly not right in your body speak out loud to you as well.

    I really do wish I could help you in some way.

    Shelley

  11. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    150 posts
    5 July 2021 in reply to Guest_1055

    I don't talk about my health stuff indepth or anything except for my Facebook page. Because I know most people either don't care or don't want to know what's going on. Except for my facebook page and that's to keep my friends in the loop of it.

    People just give up on me. Regardless of anything. Even my brother doesn't want to be around me.. he would rather see his friends!

    I don't like going out to dinner - as I'm very uncomfortable in eating out. I can't think of the name of the theatre - but there's one that I go to quite often.. that has butterflies on the ceiling of one of the women's bathrooms. Plus it has sculptures through out it... and the theatre itself is stunning!

    my exshrink (who retired) said that my depression is reactive - meaning that my health gets bad, then so does my depression. It doesn't help that I have no real friends (except for one guy, who I rarely see) and absolutely no support. And nothing really to focus on.

  12. Guest_1055
    Guest_1055 avatar
    7655 posts
    6 July 2021 in reply to Bbydoll

    Truly sorry about your brother being like that. Wish I had some really excellent advice for you, but I simply don't.

    Oh butterflies on the ceiling of the women's bathroom... sounds beautiful Bbydoll. I was curious about what you said there. So I looked it up, and came across the "State Theatre". Thought that may be the one you are referring to. Also looked up the one I went to, it was the Capitol Theatre.

    Yeah that sort of makes sense what the exshrink said to you.

    The sunshine is out here today, where I am. I will be going for a walk out near the ocean. Love the fresh ocean air. Just breathing it in deeply wakes me up. Have you got somewhere close you can get some sunshine? Even a balcony etc.

    And what arts did you do, like drawing, painting? And where you good at it. I have attempted both, me... not so good at it.

    You mentioned a puppy or another pet a while back. Wonder if you could provide foster care for one. Or even an inside kitty. One that needs a lot of love. I would struggle with that...possibly just get far to attached and not want to give it back or something.

    And how is your mum?

    I do hope you can find even a spot of sunshine to soak in.

    I will be doing a smoothie challenge soon, if you would like to join me. I know you said you don't have a blender, nor could afford one. But you can get some good ones cheaply. Not sure exactly what your body could tolerate, but please will you think about it. Easy way to get your body flooded with extra nutrients.

    See you layer Bbydoll

    Shelley

  13. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    150 posts
    8 July 2021 in reply to Guest_1055

    I'm getting what feels pain in one of my top teeth. I'm very overdue to get 2 crowns put on 2 teeth up on the same side. My uncle was supposed to help me out with the payment towards this.. but I asked him initially to pay an outstanding balance I owed of $60 on some previous xrays.. I don't think he has.. and I don't have $2000 to get it done. I don't want to lose any teeth on the "smile line" . I have very little self esteem and self confidence at the moment as it is.

    I'm seriously stressed out about this. My anxiety is all over the place, to the point I'm not sleeping and I'm not getting anything done. I was supposed to go to the chemist today to get some medications filled. But haven't left the house. Sat in front of the tv. It's almost 5pm and I have done absolutely nothing all day, except pay my current overdue phone bill. And put in a grocery shop to be delivered on the weekend. In case I get to the shops tomorrow.

    I don't want anything else that messes up my already messed up body. Life is so unfair. I'm so sick of this happening to me. I'm so sick of fighting my body and it failing on me. I'm so sick of it being cut by surgeons and put into hospitals and all the toxic medications in my body every single day!

  14. Guest_1055
    Guest_1055 avatar
    7655 posts
    8 July 2021 in reply to Bbydoll

    I don't meant to be harsh, and I know how challenging it is to take care of ourselves when we are unmotivated, depressed etc. And I am sorry you are experiencing all this.

    If you are really sick of your body being like this. Maybe it's time to make more changes in your life. Give your yourself what you and your body needs. I am scared I maybe sounding bossy or harsh. It is just that I see your worth and you are worth taking care of.

    Even if it is baby steps ( oh that fits in with your name) yeah. Just pick one thing that will improve your life and start heading towards it. That is why I suggested the smoothie idea. Our bodies do need proper nourishing foods to function and to heal itself. Sorry if I sound like a no it all. I am truly not. I just want to help and help you see that you are worth taking care of.

    As for your teeth. I don't have the financial means either to have expensive treatments. So I am doing things to help in other ways. One is to swish pure coconut oil in my mouth It can be soothing. If you want to know more about that let me know.

    Just make baby steps in caring for yourself including your body. And please will you forgive me if I seem harsh. Just care is all.

    1 person found this helpful
  15. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    150 posts
    8 July 2021 in reply to Guest_1055

    Coconut oil won't help my teeth. I have one tooth that's less than one quarter left (it got rotten from plaque and dug out - so not much tooth left). The second tooth has a massive hole in it because of damage due to a constant dry mouth because of illnesses - which is why they need crowns. If they don't get them they will eventually have to be pulled out. And an implant is over $3000 EACH!!!

    I have no control over what my body does as it my illnesses causing problems and making me need surgeries etc. I follow all of the doctors advice and taking the medications but of course then there's the side effects of that etc.

    Last month I started bulk cooking some meals and home made soups, in order to not rely on premade frozen meals. I also took a nutritional supplement to help with my iron levels and that with the iron infusion helped.

    I have had half my bowel removed because of illness and one of illnesses affects the rest of the digestive system which is why I don't always absorb nutrients properly adding to everything else I have going on.

  16. Guest_1055
    Guest_1055 avatar
    7655 posts
    10 July 2021 in reply to knottypigeon719

    Hello knottypigeon,

    You look pretty new to Beyond Blue. So yeah just saying hello to you

  17. Guest_1055
    Guest_1055 avatar
    7655 posts
    10 July 2021 in reply to Bbydoll

    Good Morning Bbydoll,

    Yeah I hear you about the cost of implants. So expensive. Are you with the public dental scheme or whatever that is called? Ah OK the coconut oil may just help as a preventing measure for your other teeth. The holistic dentist I saw, thought it was a good idea, after I told her what I was doing. I also had dry mouth too, not from meds though. I just chew this special gum after I eat a meal. It appears to be helping slowly. I also do regular salt water rinses (with sea salt) Maybe that would be useful, all as a preventing measure to take care of your remaining teeth. Just throwing it out there.

    Fresh homemade juices, especially mainly vegetable ones ( where the fibre is removed) may help to. The nutrients go straight into the bloodstream. Not much to digest at all. I have done a ton of juicing over the years. A lot of doctors may not even mention these ways.

    It's great you did some bulk meal cooking. Good on you. Do you have a large freezer then? Our freezer is not huge, but I can put some leftovers in there.

    Well I am about to head out to walk. I got to get moving.... the sky is looking a bit light grey.

    Oh do you have a happy memories book at all? It's a book where you can write your happy memories in. Anything I guess that you experienced that helped you feel happy, or made you smile. I am about to start one. Because sometimes I forget that there has been some happy times in my life.

    Ok see you later Bbydoll

  18. Guest_1055
    Guest_1055 avatar
    7655 posts
    10 July 2021 in reply to Bbydoll

    Oh what sort of soups did you make? And that is good that the supplement plus iron infusion helped you.

    Bye

  19. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    150 posts
    14 July 2021 in reply to Guest_1055

    The dental clinic only pulls out teeth, cleans them and doesn't do crowns. I dealt with them briefly a couple of years ago after I ended up with an abscess and ended up in hospital and had a tooth pulled out on a ward. They treat you and then discharge you and never see you again - even though I am on meds which are known to cause problems to teeth.

    I'm feeling suicidal because of it.

    I cooked pea and ham soup, chicken and corn soup; vegetable soup with tiny meatballs and also made porcupines (meatballs rolled in rice cooked in tinned tomato soup) -all of these cooked over several weeks. I have a large fridge and a separate stand alone freezer as well.

    I don't have a happy memories book. But I put up things and memories with friends on my instagram page

  20. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6659 posts
    14 July 2021 in reply to Bbydoll
    Hi Bbydoll,

    Thanks for sharing how you are doing on the forums tonight.  We’re so sorry to hear that you are having such difficulty with your teeth, and this is leaving you feeling suicidal.
    We would strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). 
    We’re also reaching out to you privately because we are concerned about you.
    We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.
     
  21. Guest_1055
    Guest_1055 avatar
    7655 posts
    15 July 2021 in reply to Bbydoll

    I am sorry about the teeth issues you had and are having. Sometimes it just feels too much going through physical pain and discomfort in our mouths. The last 6 months have been like that for me. And I do just want this mouth issue to just end. Sick of it.

    Anyways good on you for making all those soups. The porcupine one sounds sort of cute. I have never heard of that one before. Are the meatballs small like the ones in your vegetable soup?

    Good you got a stand alone freezer. So you are able to bulk cook. Do you enjoy cooking at all? It does sound creative those porcupine meatballs.

    And ah ok, you post on instragram memories with friends. Do you find that helpful to remember happy times? I put up a lot of healthy food pics on my Instagram. Meals and smoothies I make. Mainly to help myself eat more healthy foods. Plus I do like the creative side of it as well. Do you like photography maybe?

    I do hope you are feeling even a little less alone and that someone is in your corner.

    Much care to you Bbydoll

  22. Guest_1055
    Guest_1055 avatar
    7655 posts
    24 July 2021 in reply to Bbydoll

    You popped into my thoughts Bbydoll. So just saying hello. And hope you are getting along as best that is possible.

    And if I said anything wrong at all to you. Please will you forgive me? I don't always know what to say. But I really do care about you and hope you are ok

  23. Guest_1055
    Guest_1055 avatar
    7655 posts
    29 July 2021 in reply to Bbydoll
    Thinking of you
  24. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    150 posts
    5 August 2021 in reply to Guest_1055

    Hi Shelll and Sophie, sorry I haven't been around. The site had logged me out. Nothing has changed. I'm pretty much ignored by everyone despite putting on my Facebook page that I'm struggling with the lock down... no one has checked up on me. . Not a text or a phone call. Nothing. I texted my male friend last week and called him leaving a voice mail asking him to call me and have heard nothing back. My female friend who earns a 6 figure income didn't even offer to help me pay for the dentist - so I haven't been and I'm worried that I'm going to loose the remaining part of what little tooth I have left (front molar in my smile line) so would be definitely noticable. I'm feeling suicidal on it. Because I have enough things going wrong with my body as it is... I don't need this as well. I don't have a spare $3000 to $8000 for a false (screw in replacement tooth either).. and that's providing I have enough gum left. I'm so tired of struggling with this on my own. Every. SINGLE. Day. The lock down only makes this harder.

  25. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6659 posts
    5 August 2021 in reply to Bbydoll
    Hi Bbydoll,

    It must be super tough to be dealing with so many issues on your own. Financial issues can make a huge impact on one’s wellbeing. Not receiving the support from loved ones can feel like immense isolation and feel like an extra burden to carry. Have you tried contacting emergency services such as St Vinnies, Salvos, Smith Family etc? They might be able to support with some funds even if it is an indirect way. 

    We have contacted you privately to offer you support. You can also contact Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). 

    If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 

    You do not have to deal with anything alone. The community is here to support you and we are always here to listen. 
     
  26. Guest_1055
    Guest_1055 avatar
    7655 posts
    8 August 2021 in reply to Bbydoll

    Hi dear Bbydoll,

    Is it helping you by writing on here when you are able to? Just someone to listen to you.

    Can you get a crown, a bridge or partial denture for your tooth? Not sure how much they are though.

  27. Guest_1055
    Guest_1055 avatar
    7655 posts
    17 August 2021 in reply to Bbydoll
    Thinking of you today. Beautiful day outside here Bbydoll. Anyway just saying hello.
  28. Guest_1055
    Guest_1055 avatar
    7655 posts
    23 December 2021 in reply to Bbydoll

    Not sure if you ever read this. Bbydoll

    But I am thinking of you at the moment. And just want to say May you have a happy Christmas this year..

    Here is a virtual theatre ticket**for you for Christmas. I know you like going to the theatre .. So yeah here you go. Hope you are doing well

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