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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Starting over and then she screws up again

Topic: Starting over and then she screws up again

7 posts, 0 answered
  1. Midget64
    Midget64 avatar
    5 posts
    26 November 2021
    Thread: Starting over and then she screws up again
    Post: Hi it seems to be a cycle that is never going to end. My son is so angry with me right now and although I have earned it, I still tried to message him to let him know I care only to be messaged by his gf to stop. Then I get into an argument with my brother who is supporting him. Don't get me wrong, I m happy to know he has some help with all of this but it's making me feel like I should have just finished what I started. The pain is excruciating to know how much he hates me and to know I'll lose my granddaughter too. How do I get past this ability I have to piss everyone off. Do I just stop talking to everyone?
  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6151 posts
    26 November 2021 in reply to Midget64
    Hi Midget64,

    We are sorry to hear that things have been so difficult with your son recently, we can hear just how hurtful and painful this experience has been for you. We want to remind you that you never have to go through this alone, and support is always here for you.

    If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

    We would recommend that you get in touch with an organisation called Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277 who provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities.

    Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.
    1 person found this helpful
  3. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    10565 posts
    27 November 2021 in reply to Midget64

    Dear Midget64~

    I'd like to continue the welcome you have already received here. Reading your posts it's pretty obvious you are the sort of person that blames themselves before others. It's not realistic, and while you may have said something to you younger son that won't be all there is to it.

    Can I ask if you older son is the same, or still trying to help?

    I know it's hard to imagine but in your present state, having been driven to try to take your life and now just coming out of hospital you are not seeing all there is to see.

    If you are at all like I was my view of the world -and myself - was full of self blame and focused on a few things that seemed like insoluble problems. I needed out.

    I would think your younger son has hassles, not just becuse of anything you said, but his world now included a mum who is not what he always believed, so he may feel very insecure. Given time -and hopefully a sensible girlfriend and uncle, he will relax and come to see you more as a human being than a symbol of parenthood.

    One of the things I used to hate was being lectured. It meant that there was no real understanding of what I was going though. Yes, I understood these irrelevant and rather angry talks were inspired by fear and care, but how they grated! They seemed unfriendly, accusatory and emphasized the great gulf in understanding.

    I guess in time I was able to see their limitations. That helped.

    So may I ask first do you have proper medical help at the moment to ease you back into life and deal wiht the matters that made you so desperate? Secondly do you have a freind or a family member you can just talk with, no judgment against you, and feel cared for.

    A caravan can be a lonely small place, making things extra hard if you are all alone.

    Speaking of being alone, you are welcome here you know Midget64, anytime

    Croix

  4. Midget64
    Midget64 avatar
    5 posts
    21 December 2021 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix, thanks for your reply, I appreciate your help and support. It's been a long few weeks and nothing much has changed here.everyone is still peeved with me and I know you are right, there perception of me has changed and my younger son is definitely insecure. He's still not speaking to me but my granddaughters mum has been in touch and is happy to allow me to see her via facetime obviously supervised. What on earth do they think I'm going to say! I would never hurt her,she's my world. I am having counselling via telephone and am in contact with my gp regularly so that is helping and I haven't had a drink in 7 weeks.

    I'm not sure if I have a drink at Christmas or not, my friend is doing a bit of manipulation and saying she's out if I start drinking again. Yes,I know I was definitely drinking too much before. But I feel it has to come from me and not just for them,that's probably a selfish attitude but it's how I see it. It's been like climbing a mountain where you can never see the top.

    On the bright side, I have started painting again and am going to start selling one or two hopefully, this is the goal I have set myself for now so onwards and upwards. Thanks again for the support, regards Mel

  5. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    10565 posts
    21 December 2021 in reply to Midget64
    Dear Mel~

    It’s early days as yet, end even now the ground has shifted, I’m delighted your granddaughter’s mum has been in contact and will allow Facetime. That’s a pretty big step.

    I’m not surprised at the initial need for supervision, as you'd expect most people have no idea about others that might take their lives, not idea what thoughts are there and what potential actions. They also do not know what they ought to do themselves. It can be a frightening situation for them.

    You know all will be fine and there is no way you’d upset you granddaughter - her mum has to learn that - which she will in time.

    I’m glad you have medical support with your GP and councilor. I found that to be a very great help and hope you do too.

    I dunno about the drink and Christmas. It is most certainly an accomplishment to steer clear for 7 weeks. Has the lack been a great trial or have you managed to get by not too badly?

    Your friend too is likely frightened and doing all she can to help - which, yes, seems an imposition -even possibly an insult. Never the less if it was me I’d regard it as a helping hand, even if given clumsily. Please try to think of it that way, it can’t hurt to do so after all and friends do need cutting some slack.

    It’s true, it does ultimately come from you, but one does not have to be alone.

    I’m interested in your art, if you can see no harm in telling me, would you like to say what sort it is?

    I hope your caravan is comfortable, not too hot or cold

    Croix
    1 person found this helpful
  6. Midget64
    Midget64 avatar
    5 posts
    22 December 2021 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix, I have just finished my session with the counsellor and it was really helpful to me. It's been really good talking about what happened and what led up to it. I'm slowly getting to understand why everyone is reacting the way they are even though it hurts me to think about it. They say time heals all wounds but it feels like it will be a long road back from where I started. Talking to you is also helpful and reassuring to know someone else seems to understand what is going on. It's a bit disconcerting to keep being told what I've been up to the last few months and I can't quite decide whether it's the booze or the cognitive impairment that is the problem but I would hazard a guess at a bit of both. The docs are still trying to decide if I have early onset dementia or not, myself scores are not great and the amnesia episodes and memory loss are pointing to dementia. Anyway I have to wait a few months for a PET scan to get a final diagnosis so I'll be relieved to have an answer. This was also a great part of trying to end it all.

    Drinking alcohol was my way of going out and finding a bit of fun and acceptance for a long time and I felt like I had many friends and had a lot of fun. It's been interesting and hurtful at the same time to find out that these people were just fair weather friends who were not really friends at all.I guess alcohol colours the vision. I don't know about the drink at Christmas either but I'm curious to see if it effects me as it once did and I'll be in a safe environment if things go the wrong way. I haven't really missed it and only once or twice really wanted a drink so I'll just take it as it comes.

    I love creating pictures and have been using it for therapy these last few weeks, I have a few pages with many of my favourites on it. Are you interested in art? I feel like a beginner when I look at some amazing artists work but I enjoy the process and result. I have essential tremor in the right side of my body and used alcohol to slow it down for a while. There is such a fine line between using alcohol for fun and drinking too much to slow the tremors. I tried out medical marijuana with no real help but tried small amounts of it in a cigarette form(just the leaf as I hated the feeling of being stoned) it works for a few hours, long enough when I needed to get the details right in a painting. Anyway hope you like the site if you look.

    Regards Mel

  7. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    10565 posts
    22 December 2021 in reply to Midget64

    Dear Mel~

    I do like art very much, but will come to that in a minute

    At the moment I think you may be worrying overmuch in advance about cognitive impairment which admittedly is indeed a frightening matter.

    True there may be something there, and I'm sure alcohol would not help anyone, however seeing yourself from the outside you appear very much a person who can converse intelligently, take proactive measures on both your physical and and mental health. Importantly you have love in you.

    I'm glad your session with your counsellor helped. Simply being adrift without another perspective can be very confusing and leave one not knowing how to proceed.

    Although you may think that I, like your friend, am offering unwanted advice I would like to mention that true, you may be with freinds and come to no physical harm ,however the impetus to drink or not, as you say comes from inside yourself, and I'd feel it a pity if your efforts not to drink were undone out of curiosity as Christmas.

    It is horrible to have tremors that stop you working on your art, may I ask if this is something you have talked over with your doctor? I guess maybe you have by your reference to medical marijuana . Was that the only medical alternative offered?

    I used to have tremors that affected my ability to write legibly, but they were as a result of stress-induced mental health issues. I was given one medication that helped, however can't offer any more details.

    Now in art, and here I'm talking painting, not art in general, then my favorite might be the French Impressionists such as Pierre-Auguste Renoir, though my tastes to very widely, from Roy Lichtenstein and Maurits Escher, though Alphonse Mucha to Johannes Vermeer.

    Come to think of it none (except Vermeer) exactly mimic what one can see, always a little something extra there.

    What sort of style do you use?

    Croix

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