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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Tell us your thoughts - What's kept or keeping you here?

Topic: Tell us your thoughts - What's kept or keeping you here?

  1. romantic_thi3f
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    romantic_thi3f avatar
    3151 posts
    23 March 2018

    Hi everyone,

    This is not an easy thread to make but I'm doing it because I think it's important.

    I can see that you're all hurting and I know because I'm hurting too. Right now I'm in an easier place but it wasn't that long ago where I wasn't. Often we can find lots of reasons why we don't want to be here, and very few reasons that we do. So I'm making this post to bring everyone together to either find reasons to stay or show me why you've stayed. I don't care whether they are small or big reasons. They are reasons.

    Please feel free to post below because I want to hear yours, and I want this to be a thread where people who come here can grab onto a reason too.

    The reasons why I chose to stay -

    - My dogs.

    - Planning to die was very complicated.

    - I wanted to hold on just in case things got a little bit better.

    and now, I'm glad that I stayed. Please know that while suicide will end the pain, it will end your life too - so you'll say goodbye to any opportunities that things might get better. Opportunities for laughter, joy and beautiful memories. Sometimes it's about staying with the pain and finding other ways to let go of it without saying goodbye to our life.

    35 people found this helpful
  2. HamSolo01
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    23 March 2018 in reply to romantic_thi3f

    Hey romantic_theif

    Your post could not have come at a better time for me

    A little over two weeks ago I checked into hospital because I was feeling very suicidal. I got better and came out and made some more improvements in my life.

    Yesterday and today however I have been pretty negative. I have felt very depressed and sad and lonely. Loneliness is creeping up on me a lot lately. So I wanted to check and see why so I came onto forums to have a look. I saw this post and loved it.

    I think it's a great idea to make one like this.

    The reasons I stay:

    - family and friends would be devastated (even if my depressive mind tries to say otherwise)

    - I would miss out on the rest of my life and I still have so much more to do and see

    - it's a permanent solution for a temporary problem

    Recently an old school friend of my younger sister suicided. Everyone was shocked. It seems that that along with other circumstances in life have led to a point now where I see that life is fragile and can be taken away so why do it myself.

    I often think I don't fit in with my own generation at the age of 24 but then I remember that I conquered suicide. Twice. Part of me thinks that third time is the charm and then after that I will be truly free from this burden of depression. Who knows.

    There is a great poem I sometimes remember. I want to share some of it

    "The soul, denied its divine heritage in life, won't find rest in Hades either.

    But if what is holy to me, the poem. That rests in my heart, succeeds.
    Then welcome, silent world of shadows! Once I'll have. Lived like the gods, and no more is needed."

    Thanks again for your post because it cheered me up :) great idea for a thread.

    Thank you for your post.

    12 people found this helpful
  3. singing the blues
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    26 posts
    23 March 2018 in reply to HamSolo01
    Hi I am the same the will to live is a powerful thing even if your in the ICU on a respirator as I have been ,all my life I have been dogged by the idea of suicide considering my Father did it and his father did it I thought I was cursed taking into account extreme depression and other traumas ,late last year after 20 years of no contact with any family members the police came to my door asking me to ring my sister in-law ,id forgotten I even had one ,they gave me her number and I rang my mother had passed away pretty soon I was on the phone to my brother my sister who had been trying to find me ,some had assumed I was dead ,we had about a week and a half to get re-aquainted mainly my sister and I she came and got me to spend a week with all the family as they arrived with new family's ,it wasn't easy but I made it through it I wasn't in a personal mess like a few years befor ,to cut a long story short standing beside my sister and brother at the funeral of our mother was probably the most importent thing I have ever done when my sister buckeled after looking after our mother for the last six mounths of her life I was able to hold her up as we stood in the belting down sun ,there was my answer ,this is what its all been for not any job title or amount of money any one has made but to support on another ,I havent heard much from my brother but my sister and I are as close as we used to be and have put all the past behind us .im sure my brther and I will catch up when we can we are all older and wiser now ,so its about you just dont know what is around the corner in life ,yes i struggle every day and some times i want out but I so glad I was alive to stand with them you just dont know whats around the corner in life even if it takes 20 years to manifest ,and even though my own life seems not worth living some times it is worth it so Im going to keep holding on as long as I can ,this is all new how could I do that to them now I cant i didnt know this only a few mounths ago
    10 people found this helpful
  4. The Cosmos
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    24 March 2018 in reply to romantic_thi3f

    Hey romantic_thi3f,

    Whenever I feel like ending everything, I tell myself that suicide does not end the pain, it just transfer it to someone else. How could I inflict so much suffering on the people who cares about me. But most of time, I keep on going, telling myself, tomorrow will be a better day :) And life has to be so much more than the pain I'm holding right now.

    The Cosmos

    15 people found this helpful
  5. white knight
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    28 March 2018 in reply to The Cosmos

    Hi Romantic thief and readers

    Wow, what great responses. So many times over the last 4 years I've hesitated typing the word "suicide". It's still a forbidden word for many of us. My brother did, my uncle did, and I wanted to in 1996.

    I recall the sentence I muttered to myself that stopped me "better to be a part time dad than no dad at all". For a moment I thought of members of my family in the form of two girls a 7 and 4 yo. I left that home of emotional abuse and rebounded.

    Last June I walked the eldest daughter down the aisle, she is 28yo. Had I carried through who would have done that deed? not her dad!. It was a great day.

    As stated you don't know what is around the corner. How tough life can be it has its wonderful moments worth living for.

    Singing the blues- you are right, those connections to family and friends can mean the world to us. For me its giving to others that filled a gap in my life from 1996 onwards. To send poems to victims of crime, to answer people desperate for answers on this forum....it fills that void, it gives value to my life.

    Thankyou RT for a tremendously important topic.

    Tony WK

    11 people found this helpful
  6. Croix
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    Croix avatar
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    28 March 2018 in reply to romantic_thi3f
    Dear Romantic_thi3f~
    I’m glad other people are responding in this thread, I think it an important question.

    I posted this the other day to someone else but thought it might fit here in your thread too. I hope it rings a bell with someone. My apologies for the repetition.

    One reason I had that kept me going was I found I did not know myself as well as I thought. I was I was convinced my life was meaningless, it was not going to work out, the problems were built into me, they were my failures and so could not get better. I was full of pain, exhaustion, grief and despair. My circumstances looked irrecoverable.

    Then I was surprised.

    I had been seriously planning on taking my life, not the first time true, but looking back I think I might have gone on, I had the means. Then I heard a comedian I'd liked before on the TV in the next room tell a long involved joke about false teeth and I chuckled. I was startled as I had no idea I had that capability left. A complete surprise.

    The incident helped me in a couple of ways, the joke itself kept coming back, trying to nudge out other thoughts, and perhaps more importantly I realized I did not know all about me, and that raised possibility my world was not as closed as I'd believed.

    Later after time therapy and other things I came to look back and saw how insidious depression was, how it counterfeited my thoughts, fooled me completely. I was going to base my actions on this false view of the world.

    Croix
    10 people found this helpful
  7. PamelaR
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    28 March 2018 in reply to romantic_thi3f

    Hi Romantic_thi3f

    Your thread is so good! Thank you for starting it, it may help some people out there. I guess that's the purpose of the forums and these types of thread.

    My own experience was many years ago, during my 20s when I was married to my first husband. I just wanted to get out of my circumstances, but also be noted as a person, a human being. I can't say the thought has never been with me since then, but I think that what keeps me from contemplating it further is:

    • my wonderful partner of 37 years. He'd be totally devastated and confused. He is getting old and needs someone to be there for the remaining years, as do I.
    • my wonderful felines. Both are so attentive, giving loads of love and chastising when I have done the right and wrong thing. They would both be horrified, mortified and fret should I not be around any longer.
    • life is full of joyous things. Especially nature which I love tremendously.
    • my friends would be completely perplexed. I have never displayed any 'suicidal tendencies' to them. My friends are lovely, caring and supportive.

    So these help me to grasp onto life and everything it has to put forward. No matter how hard it becomes.

    Thanks once again for starting this thread.

    PamelaR

    7 people found this helpful
  8. Quercus
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    28 March 2018 in reply to PamelaR

    Thanks RT,

    I needed this outlet tonight too.

    What keeps me here?

    • My children. Even when they drive me batty. I shamelessly guilt myself with statistics. That kids who have a parent who suicided have a higher risk of suicide themselves. It keeps me here even when I'm locked in the toilet to escape from them.
    • My husband. I love him. It's that simple. If I wasn't here I wouldn't get to hear him call me a mega toad ever again. And that makes me want to stick around.
    • That suicide solves nothing. The hurt just gets passed on. From me to those I love. More guilt. More questions. More pain.
    • Because like Croix said there are surprising moments. Like my daughter wearing bunny ears when we did the school pickup and all the older kids saying hello Easter Bunny and making her giggle. Moments I never want to miss.

    So even if I feel crap. Even if the thoughts keep returning I can shrug and say ah well just thoughts. Doesn't mean I have to take action. Just thoughts based on pain.

    Thankyou RT.

    9 people found this helpful
  9. ursaic
    ursaic avatar
    7 posts
    8 April 2018 in reply to Quercus

    There are more pets than people who still care, but both are the only things keeping me here.

    I wish life could be more than just treading water, but it's keeping me alive for now.

    6 people found this helpful
  10. IsaJett
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    8 April 2018 in reply to romantic_thi3f

    Hi All

    I am here because I went through hell and suffered immensely. I almost didn't think i make it out alive. So to be here today after about two years ...I want to ensure that I can share my stories and things I have learned through it all and so other people don't have to suffer like I did. I felt alone back then and that the walls were closing in on me back then so I don't want anyone to feel that they are alone. And that is why I am here to hopefully make a difference to someone's life.

    7 people found this helpful
  11. randomx
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    3238 posts
    8 April 2018 in reply to IsaJett

    l like the people , people that are different or gone through crap are usually the best souls of all.

    And hey l got some issues too and it's helped me understand and deal with them better.

    4 people found this helpful
  12. Mia001
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    514 posts
    9 April 2018 in reply to romantic_thi3f

    Hi romantic_thi3f,

    My counsellor has asked me this question and I find it hard to answer.

    So why am I still here?

    1. My family and friends would be shocked and devastated. Most of them have no idea if my struggles. I don’t want to hurt them.
    2. I don’t think that I’d succeed and I couldn’t live with the guilt and shame when everyone found out. (Selfish, I know!)
    3. When I’m suicidal, I’m usually curled up in a ball crying or just frozen because I’m in so much emotional pain. I’m not going anywhere.
    4. There’s a part of me that refuses to give up. I know that it’s just a feeling that will pass and things will get better. Killing myself won’t heal my emotional pain or solve my problems.

    Mia

    8 people found this helpful
  13. jjac
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    62 posts
    9 April 2018 in reply to romantic_thi3f

    My reasons?

    Im too afraid of the unknown, the pain and possible failure.

    Partially also my family. Even though they make me so unhappy they'd make my death about them and go off the rails.

    I think just fear. I really don't want to live but I'm scared to die.

    7 people found this helpful
  14. White Rose
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    White Rose avatar
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    9 April 2018 in reply to Mia001

    Hello Mia

    There’s a part of me that refuses to give up. I know that it’s just a feeling that will pass and things will get better. Killing myself won’t heal my emotional pain or solve my problems.

    Good thinking. I am with you there. I have gone through the pain and come out the other side, but on the road I have tried twice to leave. Obviously the universe still has a use for me.

    Quercus said. That suicide solves nothing. The hurt just gets passed on. From me to those I love. More guilt. More questions. More pain. Yep, absolutely.

    The biggest problem is when we are in that dark place and cannot remember those who love us, cannot remember how good the world is generally. It's all pain and darkness, guilt and shame. We need to have the ability to remember at that time. I have no idea how that works because it did not work for me. Just a free ride to hospital.

    I say to anyone who has these thoughts, however minor or fleeting, don't wait until you cannot get back. Get help and leave those thoughts behind.

    Mary

    6 people found this helpful
  15. Brian84
    Brian84 avatar
    1 posts
    14 April 2018

    Tonight I contemplated suicide I have been unhappy for many years now.

    im not sure how many times I will do this before I’ve truly had enough I just don’t see the point of fighting on in life I’ve been empty and lonely for so long now I don’t ever see it getting better.

    im on edge daily

    3 people found this helpful
  16. Gardenlady
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    14 April 2018 in reply to romantic_thi3f

    Hi romantic_thi3f,

    Thank you for sharing.

    The thought of leaving my husband and kids and my parents behind if I took my life keep me here.

    To think of how it would affect them keeps me surviving.

    I also know that the world is a beautiful place but that it’s hard to see in dark moments. I don’t want to miss out on the beauty of life and the chance to make a positive and loving contribution to other people and the earth. And maybe someday recover and help others to get better too.

    3 people found this helpful
  17. IsaJett
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    14 April 2018 in reply to Brian84

    Hi Brian

    Whats getting you so down??

    U have definitely come to the right place. I was sucidal too a few years back but I realise it was me just wanting the stop the pain... I didnt want to die ...but just wanted pain to stop.

    I want you to know and remember that this is just temporary ...your pain is temporary..things will change for the better. You might not believe it now...but trust that it will .

    Talk us through why you are feeling so down. this is a safe place so know that you will be ok ;-)

    Hope to hear from you soon

    4 people found this helpful
  18. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
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    14 April 2018 in reply to IsaJett

    To share my experience and story. To answer questions posters might ask, letting them know it's ok to seek professional help. To provide support, as possible, in this environment.

    It provides a space where I can say things that I might not be able to tell others in real life.

    As I write things for others, I am also writing for myself, reminding ourselves of what I should be doing.

    And probably every other reason listed above

    5 people found this helpful
  19. White Rose
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    White Rose avatar
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    14 April 2018 in reply to smallwolf

    Hello Smallwolf

    I feel you have stolen my line. As I write things for others, I am also writing for myself, reminding ourselves of what I should be doing. This has always been my reason for writing here. I am not better than anyone else or more together (I wish). I get strength from those who get through a bad patch and I know I can do it. Talking about similar situations and metaphorically holding someone's hand is good. Just to remember we can hold hands and get through the crap together. Amazing.

    Mary

    3 people found this helpful
  20. Chloe_M
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    14 April 2018 in reply to White Rose

    Ok... so the reason I am here is because (Trigger Warning):

    • i have been told too many times that people need me
    • i like to help people on the forums- they need me too (sort of)
    • I wanted to kill myself, but I it was very hard (too much effort)
    • I have decided that I am going to get through this- i can defeat anxiety and depression!
    • I have come to realise that there are so many things in life like love and friendship and cute fluffy animals and chocolate (lol) that make life beautiful and, ultimately, worth living.

    Have an amazing weekend and to any students and government employees- have an amazing two weeks off!

    Chloe :)

    3 people found this helpful
  21. Peppermintbach
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    14 April 2018 in reply to romantic_thi3f

    Hi romantic_thi3f,

    I don’t know how to answer your question. I don’t know my reason and I’m not sure I have one...

    But I figured that it wouldn’t hurt to “bookmark” this thread to read other people’s reasons.

    Great thread idea :)

    Pepper xo

    1 person found this helpful
  22. Quercus
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    17 April 2018 in reply to Peppermintbach

    What keeps me here...

    Remembering that it is not my job to keep others happy and that the pressure I put on myself to do so is impossible to live up to.

    Reminding myself that no matter how much of an useless failure I feel it's not true. There are people who love and need me regardless of my many flaws.

    Self preservation. When I feel overwhelmed and suicide is an enormous temptation I remind myself it is my choice and noone elses. And that means I can choose to have a cup of tea and a sleep and reassess how I feel in the morning.

    Regret. I know no matter how low I feel sometimes there are things I want to see and do one day. I remind myself that beyond how I feel in this moment there are future moments I want to experience.

    6 people found this helpful
  23. Chloe_M
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    17 April 2018 in reply to Quercus

    What also keeps me here is my best friend, may have noticed him mentioned here a lot, he is my number one supporter through all of this and he said "if you can't live for yourself, live for me. because you may not feel like you are needed, but I need you."

    3 people found this helpful
  24. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
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    17 April 2018 in reply to Chloe_M

    Something to add to my previous post... It sucks that I had to work out distraction and coping tools by visiting a psych.

    Someone at Uni today asked me how I was. I said that "not real good". We went to a table outside the building and had a discussion about MI. It turns out that in his past life (years ago) also had MI problems. In this discussion I mentioned some of the distraction and coping tools that I use. And some of these tools, like deep breathing exercises are free, and engaging mindfulness ideas with lollies is cheap. Its good to be able to share these the tools with others. It won't "cure" another person,but I have tools that I can share with other people.

    5 people found this helpful
  25. Quercus
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    17 April 2018 in reply to smallwolf

    I love the idea of your friend taking you outside to talk Wolfy. Isn't that a beautiful thing!

    Your reason to stick around is equally as valid and lovely. I've seen a few of your posts around even while struggling with suicidal thoughts and you're right... I think your replies are a gift.

    My reason is similar today (it's been a horrible one so the thoughts are eating at me).

    When I feel low. Smashed down and pulled apart. And wanting it all to end so I can sleep and not have to wake up.... I can share those feelings.

    And maybe someone reading will see themselves in my words too. And feel shocked to see I'm an utter mess but not ashamed of it or trying to pretend it is all ok.

    Why should we have to pretend. Pretending just keeps the stigma around mental illness alive and kicking.

    So I will get through today. And I'll get through tomorrow. And keep getting up and trying because this crap will pass eventually. And I'll keep trying and writing so that if one person reading sees themselves and decides to wait until morning and go see the doctor again then that is worth living for.

    6 people found this helpful
  26. LizaMac
    LizaMac avatar
    1 posts
    17 April 2018 in reply to HamSolo01

    Sorry if this is a dumb question but how do you check yourself into hospital?

    Am thinking this might be the way to go for me.

  27. Needshope
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    7 posts
    18 April 2018 in reply to romantic_thi3f

    Dear all,

    Thankyou for starting this post. I always knew that there are more like me but I never had the guts to talk about it to anyone. I am in a constant state of self hurt. I agree it's not as bad as suicide,but I had my reasons.

    - my parents . I don't want them to be sad because of me. I have already caused a lot of sadness for them

    - I have a student loan to pay off. I don't want to leave without doing this. It will eventually fall on my parents.

    I am smart enough to know what will kill me so I make sure I only keep the pain constant. It's like a punishment to myself. I don't want to do it anymore but I can't get out of the cycle. As you all suggested, I have reasons to stay on this side of life but I want to stop this.

    1 person found this helpful
  28. romantic_thi3f
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    romantic_thi3f avatar
    3151 posts
    18 April 2018 in reply to LizaMac

    Hi,

    I feel so overwhelmed at how big this post has gotten and how many people have come here and shared your reasons for living. It means so much to me that you're reading it, posting it and most importantly, still here.

    I wish that I had more words but I don't think there are any so I'm sending hugs over the internet if you want them. Keep finding these reasons because you are worth it

    :)

    LizaMac - sometimes people just walk into the emergency department, but given that this is not always received well (sadly) it's best if you can chat to your GP or psychologist (if you are seeing one). That way they personally can chat with you and arrange for a much smoother transition. There is also another post here which you might want to read and add to - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/treatments-health-professionals-and-therapies/voluntarily-commiting-yourself-to-be-an-inpatient-in-hospital

    Thank you for taking care of yourself :)

    4 people found this helpful
  29. Chloe_M
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    18 April 2018 in reply to Needshope

    Hi Needshope,

    I started writing a post but my computer died and I don't remember all that I wrote...

    I relate to what you are dealing with. I am stuck in this cycle of self-loathing and self-harm. I want to get out but I can't. I wrote in another post on my thread:

    "Ya know this is a bit random, but sometimes when I'm doing my German lessons I think 'this is so hard I want to give up I can't do it anymore'. I feel the same way about depression, but there's a catch- I don't get to say whether I want to do this anymore or not (bar suicide). I can't just opt out and say 'hey I've had enough of being depressed, just going to go back to my normal life'. I wish I could, that would solve all my problems, just giving up being depressed, but life doesnt work like that, and in a perfect world no one would have MH issues and we'd all be happy."

    I agree, its not as bad as suicide, but its close. I am a suicide attempt survivor and it was a very traumatic experience, yet i still self-harm because it gives me a release.

    Just letting you know that we are always here if you want to talk x. also remember that as well as those reasons for 'staying here' you have all the people in your life who love you to think about. You are important! You are a beautiful person. And you're worth it.

    Chloe

    2 people found this helpful
  30. Amy23
    Amy23 avatar
    17 posts
    23 April 2018 in reply to romantic_thi3f
    I felt your pain last year it is not easy to move on but thanks to my pets and people who love me I decided to hold on, my pain is slowly going away
    2 people found this helpful

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