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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / What can I do now?

Topic: What can I do now?

  1. dumbledoor
    dumbledoor avatar
    19 posts
    21 June 2021 in reply to tranzcrybe

    Would you describe your 'nothingness' as:-
    1] denying your emotions (a conscious effort to shut out feelings), or
    2] negating the influence emotions have on your mood (where none predominate and your feelings in equilibrium)?

    I would say 1 until I focus on their analysis which would then be more like 2.

  2. tranzcrybe
    Valued Contributor
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    tranzcrybe avatar
    711 posts
    21 June 2021 in reply to dumbledoor
    Hi dd,
    That's great, so we have established you are a sentient being and definitely classified as species human (:D). In response to earlier comments, you do exist and your emotions are undoubtedly real. How you process these is worth considering...

    I also grew up with somewhat 'transient' parents who never gave a thought to the child settling into new schools. This can really muck up self confidence to step up and assimilate, and there are times when you do feel little more than a spectator on the 'world' (or at least the microcosm which is the schoolyard).

    Imagination is a powerful panacea in such times of ostracisation (albeit self imposed) - we are designed to be sociable creatures by the law of Nature; and if none exists, then we shall create it! However, we often forget that people in the real world can and will have differing opinions to our Utopian ideal (as they are human by design also with their own views of the world as they see it) and allowing ourselves to accept without overly questioning or passing judgment is commensurate with our emotional maturity and personal development.
    Going one step further, we can learn to appreciate (and even seek out) individuality with a certain impunity as our interests focus outward and away from our insecurities.

    I do know that trying to navigate study without peer support (and a little healthy competitive spirit) can be devastating for focus and motivation. You mentioned struggling at the moment - are there any others in your class who could do with some support from you to help get through this as a team (brainstorming, compare notes, or just have a vent session)?
    You're not alone and the help you need might be the help you give. Your thoughts?
  3. dumbledoor
    dumbledoor avatar
    19 posts
    22 June 2021 in reply to tranzcrybe

    I do help my friend, but that also depends on whether I know the material or not. I'm very antisocial, so I don't get out and talk to people, brainstorming, comparing notes and venting to them sounds like a nightmare. I'm friendly with most people, but going beyond that would cause me a great deal of anxiety. I might just stick with imagining things for now (as I have my whole life).

    With the concentrating problems, my mum has booked me for an evaluation with a paediatrician for ADHD (won't be for a little while.. paediatricians are always full).

  4. dumbledoor
    dumbledoor avatar
    19 posts
    23 June 2021 in reply to dumbledoor

    My mum has been yelling at me again, but I don't even remember what she said. I do know I hate her for it though. I do remember her telling me I'm just an average kid, despite being told my whole life I could change the world. I don't know why, it just hurts. I'm making excuses for myself, I'm imagining things that don't exist. I'm creating my own emotions. Sometimes I feel like just ending it all. Yes, I do know how to do it, I did spend the last six years of my life researching this. I did promise myself six years ago, that I would do it before my 18th, and honestly, this is the only reason I'm still here. But the day is coming, and it's coming fast. One year can pass in the blink of an eye. I don't know why I keep coming here, it's not helping me and I'm just wasting other people's precious time, who even cares what I have to say? I for one don't. I don't even want to hear my own thoughts, I want to just shut it out forever.

    We all die someday, some people manage to evade the suffering life brings earlier than others. We all die because life kills us. People learn too late, they don't realise that life is the one who brings disease, brings suffering while also creating an illusion of success. Life will begin to eat you away once it decides you've been around too long. Why do people praise life? They are already trapped in the cycle of course. The cycle of life will continue with or without you.

    It makes me wonder what is the point of even being here?

  5. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6618 posts
    23 June 2021 in reply to dumbledoor
    Hi Dumbledoor, 

    We are so sorry to hear that your mum has been yelling at you and you are feeling so low at the moment. We are so glad you have reached out for support tonight. You are a valuable member of our community and we are here to support you.

    We are concerned about how you are feeling tonight so we are also going to reach out privately to offer some more support. 

    We think it would be really useful for you to give KidsHelpline (1800 55 1800) a call to you can talk through your feelings. It is so hard when those who we look to for love and support yell at and fail to understand us. The counsellors there will be able to provide you somes support.

    The team at Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636) are also always here for you if you need some help and you are feeling especially upset or if you just want someone to chat to.
  6. tranzcrybe
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    tranzcrybe avatar
    711 posts
    23 June 2021 in reply to dumbledoor

    2 parts of this post required for you dd...

    1] Study Group
    Collective minds can help resolve all sorts of issues whether you are knowledgeable or just grappling with concepts. Beyond being sociable, offering support or asking questions is contributing to a common objective: understanding.
    The spin off from this, at your discretion, can be the seed to more fulfilling social interaction as you find shared interests and new discoveries - it takes time... and practice.
    Having a chat with a paediatrician sounds like a positive step. As you point out, your imagination can work against you where that inner voice rules autocratically.

    2] Parental influence
    Yes, time is fleeting and we all live until Nature or Fate decides that we shan't. 'Ending it all' (but not in quite the same terms as your reference) is actually something we do several times throughout this journey -
    > we 'end' our childhood when we dispense with toys,
    > we 'end' our reliance and dependency on our parents for support and nurture,
    > we 'end' living as self serving and materialistic... well, I guess that one takes a bit longer to achieve. Such are the stages of life.

    Christians believe they need to be reborn for everlasting life, which is much the same thing as shedding a previous way of life; Hindus believe they will be reincarnated as life is cyclical and eternal (although how they live factors into this); Ancient Greeks believed that life served to grow the soul.
    Struggle and suffering are part of the process, just as exercise/physical exertion gives you muscles - I guess the feeling of accomplishment mimics the emotional development found in everyday interactions.
    You are correct - we are here for as long as we are meant to be, but that meaning and our very reason for enduring, lies beyond our conscious mind; and the impact you may leave on the lives of others will only become evident in time. Will you save someone's life one day? What of your future children and how shall your experiences enhance their lives, and equally give substance to your own?

    We all provide a vital purpose in some way and as bizarre as it sounds, your experiences make you question and find meaning to what many others completely miss.

  7. dumbledoor
    dumbledoor avatar
    19 posts
    2 July 2021 in reply to tranzcrybe

    Thank you tranzcrybe, Sophie_M, Aaronsis and Banana (sorry if I missed someone) for the advice, but I know there is no help for me, at least right now. I don't even know who I am, and I'm thoroughly confused as to whether anything I see, think or feel is real. I'll just wait my days out, maybe a miracle will happen, maybe not. I won't be wasting any more of your time. Thank you for all the kind words.

    2 people found this helpful
  8. Aaronsis
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Aaronsis avatar
    2463 posts
    2 July 2021 in reply to dumbledoor

    Hi Dumbledoor

    I just wanted to remind you that you are so very welcome here, that you are not wasting anyone's time and that we are here for you to support you through this time. Especially if you feel so alone and so very confused, that you are not getting the support from home and in fact find home life very challenging, we are here to sit with you.

    I am sending you hugs today and am letting you know I am around if you would like to chat some more, I hope that you would like that too.



    1 person found this helpful

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