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Topic: Confused Carer

4 posts, 0 answered
  1. LittleMissCornetto
    LittleMissCornetto avatar
    2 posts
    14 May 2019

    Hello, I wasn't even sure I wanted to post on here but here goes nothing...

    My partner and I are mid twenties, living together in a tiny bed sit apartment, the reason I'm mentioning our apartment is because we don't have much personal space anymore.

    Now, I have been diagnosed and medicated for depression, anxiety, PTSD and ADD for roughly ten years, seeing councillors regularly and my GP and a Psychologist, this works for me and has for most of the time I've been having issues.

    My partner on the other hand suffers from depression, anxiety,regular suicidal thoughts and ADHD but will not see anyone. He medicates by smoking, drinking energy drinks and playing video games. He has seen a councillor but argued with him as my partner is incredibly stubborn and set in his ways, the councillor ended up dropping him and we called a crisis team and they said they've known my partner for 15 years and because he's not actually done anything to hurt himself (he bought something to help him hurt himself after his councillor dropped him) they could and would do nothing.

    I guess what I'm asking is, how can I get him motivated to get help, he keeps telling me he 'wants me to find a new man that can take care of me' (I work full time and have the entire relationship, as he doesn't have a mental health care plan in place he has not held down a job for more than a few months before quitting, getting fired or they just stop rostering him).

    All I want to do is help him, I've been where he is and I got through it with a lot of help. I'm trying to make positive changes in our lives (better food, more exercise etc) but it's difficult when he just doesn't want to do anything, he doesn't want to die but he isn't sure he has much left in him to keep him alive.

    I'm just stressed and confused and need some suggestions really, he isn't a lazy person, and he's really sweet and generally a great guy, but he just won't look after his mental health and I don't know what to do anymore.

  2. smallwolf
    Community Champion
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    smallwolf avatar
    5750 posts
    14 May 2019 in reply to LittleMissCornetto

    Hi LittleMissCornetto,

    welcome to beyond blue.

    It must be frustrating for you to see where your partner is where you have been and with help you were able to get through it, but he does not want help. You are also a very caring and compassionate person with trying to keep the relationship going, making positive changes, and still wanting him to get help.

    before I make any suggestions, I wonder if you might be able to share whether and how you might have spoken to your partner before about getting help before?

    There are plenty of sites that offer advice on topics such as this, and I would not want to make a suggestion you have already tried. Or put another way, some of the ways that might have been worthwhile you are already doing. For example, showing that getting help works for you, and so it should/could work for him.

    the last bit is this, and you probably know this already... the person has to the want to get help. Forcing someone to get help can be counter-productive. With that said, if you do a google search for ...

    encourage partner to get help for depresssion beyond blue

    there are a number of pages from people that had a similar problem to yours. I hope these are of some use to you.

    Tim

  3. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9212 posts
    15 May 2019 in reply to smallwolf

    Hi, welcome

    Tim has a good link to search for.

    I must say that self preservation has to be adopted if this continues. Essentially you are acting as his carer

    Google

    Beyondblue Topic who cares for the carer?

    Eventually the relationship will break down, all over his stubbornness. His attitude is for him to change but if not dont feel guilty if you have to move on.

    TonyWK

  4. LittleMissCornetto
    LittleMissCornetto avatar
    2 posts
    17 May 2019 in reply to smallwolf

    Thank you for the welcomes.

    In regards to how I've gone about speaking to my partner regarding his mental health I try more than anything to be completely honest and open with him.

    I have explained what I have done in the past to seek help, I've had him see councillors to help him, we spoke to and involved his family with his journey to recovery (this lasted maybe four months before they cut him off again because "he was too much"), I have left out little flyers or post it notes with numbers/suggestions to help him, I've sat back and watched him struggle through it on his own before falling apart (this was an early tactic, he said he wanted to do it alone and I let him), we have seen couples councillors, our own councillors, a psychologist, switched GP's, medicated with natural remedies (he won't take 'the drowzy stuff' as he has not had positive history with any medication before), his family got a crisis team involved and the police before, I've also tried just sitting him down and saying 'enough' and told him how I'm feeling, I've moved away, we took a break, we got a pet, I encouraged him to see and talk to his friends (this didn't work as he decided to cut them all off), I've taken him out with my friends, we joined a gym, we tried hypnotherapy and relaxation retreats, he will try things, but only for a little while before getting fed up and reverting back to sitting in our apartment all day.

    My partner is stubborn, he's so stubborn, but I have so much patience for mental health.

    I am doing my own thing most of the time, he's not a burden on me, he pays his own way, and cooks, cleans and does things that I ask him to when he is okay enough to get out of bed, he's okay most of the time, but I feel his mental health will only get worse if he continues to badger me to leave me ('go find a better man, a man that can look after you better than I can') and doesn't seek help for his mental health. He has tried things but as soon as there's a bump in the road he can't do it anymore, or he argues with someone and things get out of hand and then we're back to square one.

    I think he has self image issues, he feels a man must be the breadwinner and be this big masculine thing, maybe my working so much is making him feel bad? Maybe he feels like because he thinks he has to be this macho thing that taking care of his mental health is admitting defeat? I don't know, all I want to do is encourage him to get help and stick with it.

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