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Forums / Supporting family and friends with a mental health condition (carers) / Husband is depressed and had ended our marriage

Topic: Husband is depressed and had ended our marriage

16 posts, 0 answered
  1. RachelW
    RachelW avatar
    8 posts
    2 November 2021

    Hi all
    my husband of almost 11 years has been suffering with depression and anxiety for the last year.

    I wasn’t fully aware of how bad it had got and now he has hit rock bottom.
    Back story - we recently signed up to build our 1st family home.
    literally from the moment we signed we have had nothing but issues , and increases in the price. I think that this has been the main trigger for my husbands depression , with the pressure he is under to support his family as well as come up with almost $30k extra for this house before it’s complete .

    I don’t work , I wanted to work but with 3 of our kids being under school age , it would mean having to pay 3 day care fees and with him being fifo and earning too much we don’t get much CCS from Centrelink so he said it was pointless, I now no that I need to be working to help him by taking some of this financial burden from him. I feel terrible that it has got this bad.
    This all came out last week when he told me he know longer loved me and didn’t want to be with me anymore.

    I am absolutely devastated.
    he has also said that he has no love for himself and also our kids which killed him to admit and he hates himself even more for this . I have told him it’s not him, it’s the depression.
    I have told him that I am going to support him and I am going to get him better . I have told him that I will not give up on him or us.
    He wants me to help him and he has told me that he wants to love me but he feels dead inside , feels worthless and he just can’t see a way back from his depression.

    I am struggling everyday with my feelings, terrified that even if he is able to get out of this dark place , there will still be no love for me there and I will have to go through this heart ache again. I tell him every day I love him and he says he likes to know that I haven’t given up on him. He can’t say it back though as he doesn’t want to lie to me :(
    He feels he may have BPD , so I have said I will get him an app with his GP. He is on medication, which has just been increased .
    I just want him to get better and back to how he was last year before this house ruined his head .
    I have contacted Centrelink and filed as a single parent which is killing me to say, now I need to find a job so I can help with paying this money that is weighing him down , in hope that he may start to feel the pressure on him lift . I know it’s going to be a long journey .

    Any advise welcome x

    Rachel x

  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6608 posts
    2 November 2021 in reply to RachelW
    Dear RachelW
    We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can get overwhelming. We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

    Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we're worried about you. 
    We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
     
    1 person found this helpful
  3. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    16213 posts
    2 November 2021 in reply to RachelW

    Hello RachelW, and a warm welcome to you.

    It is so sad to read comments like the one you've provided, but this does happen with so many other posts, that doesn't make it any easier for you and really sorry.

    When someone you love becomes depressed in any way, it's so difficult for them to say 'I love you', I'm not a doctor, but know they lose focus on what's actually happening and depression takes over, and what may seem to be a simple option, seems to them to be enormous and are unable to talk about the situation.

    Can I ask whether or not this $30k can be trimmed down and move into the house with some reductions at the moment, that may help your situation, because moving into a new house, there always seems as though something else needs to be done, such as a second bathroom can wait until you have the money or a decking can also be put on hold, ideas like these.

    As well as your husband getting help, can I suggest you also see your doctor.

    Hope to hear back from you.

    Geoff.

  4. RachelW
    RachelW avatar
    8 posts
    2 November 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff

    thank you for the response .
    I am hopefully that he will love us all again , I know that it will take some time and I will stand by him all the way .
    As for the $30k I am unsure if there is anything that can be trimmed off but worth looking into .

  5. geoff
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    16213 posts
    3 November 2021 in reply to RachelW

    Hello RachelW, great to hear back from you.

    If I can say and others might already know this, but it's important for you if you've missed it.

    In my situation, my wife, my first real love, divorced me, and I know this doesn't apply to you, truly devastated me, but we talk on the phone pretty well every week and act as if nothing happened, except to say that she believes I have changed, and yes, I probably have, but we could talk for hours if time permitted, laugh and joke and all the small idiosyncrasies we both loved have come back.

    So after any type of depression, it is possible to regain, in certain circumstances, for people to readjust their thinking and get on with life, so I really hope this does happen to you.

    To trim $30k, other people wanting to change their carpet may throw away perfectly good carpet because they don't like the colour, so you can put up a sign in the hardware store asking for carpet, or go to the carpet store and ask them if someone has changed their mind and want other carpets, you may pick up some cheaply, ways like this may save you money.

    Let me know about the house if you want to.

    Geoff.

    2 people found this helpful
  6. RachelW
    RachelW avatar
    8 posts
    3 November 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi geoff

    sorry to hear that happened to you.
    I know deep down that my husband loves us but all I can do is wait and support him in finding himself again and pray that I get him back. But in the mean time I have to live without him until he is ready to come back to his family .
    As for the house, it’s a package , carpets blinds , tiling ect is all included in the price . I don’t think we will be able to do anything like that . I think it would be too late to change anything now as building work has started .
    Rachel

  7. jaz28
    Community Champion
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    jaz28 avatar
    457 posts
    3 November 2021 in reply to RachelW

    Hi Rachel,

    I am sorry this is happening. I can say that you seem a very supportive partner and know what is best for him.

    I cannot say he has depression, he needs to be diagnosed by a professional, but I will say that often depressed people have negative thoughts about 3 things - the self, the world, and the future. This seems very consistent with your case. Hence the best course of action is medication and therapy which I see you are trying to get. He will probably need a psychologist if you go ahead with treatment. I hope that will help him.

    I am sorry but all you can do is let him experience this and be there for him 100% for support. It is his mental health journey, and things will get better for him slowly. Just try and be there for him during this time even though it may be really hard for you after what he has expressed. I hope you are okay.

    Jaz.

    1 person found this helpful
  8. geoff
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    geoff avatar
    16213 posts
    4 November 2021 in reply to RachelW

    Hello Rachel, can I ask you if you are entitled to any government grants or perhaps extend your loan with the bank due to family problems.

    Geoff.

  9. RachelW
    RachelW avatar
    8 posts
    5 November 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff

    no I don’t think we are . Luckily for us we still have maybe a year to come up with the money but that doesn’t seem to be any help to him atm as he can’t seem to see any positive points .
    I jist hope that I can get a job in the next few weeks to start to help .
    I will keep you updated on his progress .

    thank you for your messages

    Rachel

  10. RachelW
    RachelW avatar
    8 posts
    5 November 2021 in reply to jaz28

    Hi jaz

    thank you for your message . I am trying as hard as I can to be supportive , it’s not easy when he just isn’t interested in talking to me or anyone else atm.
    I am struggling with his lack of communication with me , after 11 years of love to nothing is very hard to deal with atm.
    I am hoping to get him in to talk to someone when he is home from work .

    Rachel

    1 person found this helpful
  11. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    16213 posts
    6 November 2021 in reply to RachelW

    Hello Rachel, on the contract it might say that if you can't obtain finance then the contract to build the house doesn't go ahead if this is the situation, then ask the bank/finance company for a letter saying that finance can not be approved.

    My wife and I did this because my parents advised us that buying this property would not be a good idea, then the contract was torn up and didn't proceed.

    Unfortunately my parents ill advised us a few times so we didn't tell them until the contract was signed.

    Rachel if this is part of your husband's concern the bank/finance company will write a letter for you so it won't go ahead, then you can decide what else you can do.

    Geoff.

    1 person found this helpful
  12. RachelW
    RachelW avatar
    8 posts
    8 November 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff

    the build has already started . We signed the contract back in December 2020 and Finance was approved at the start of the year. The slab is already down. They didn’t tell us of these price increases until after the had finance approval, which was not good as we could have asked for more finance at the time.
    Then we got a 2nd price increase about 3 weeks ago which I have not told him about as I don’t want to add to his worries . I just signed the variation and hope he doesn’t notice the extra $5k added on.

    the land has already been paid for out of the finance and the slab has been paid for . We just have a 6 month wait for bricks now . Hopefully time is on our side to give us time to get the money together .
    Rachel

  13. RachelW
    RachelW avatar
    8 posts
    25 November 2021
    Hi

    It’s been a few weeks and nothing has changed but he has started to feel better in himself as his meds may be working for him now and he has been talking to a psychologist.

    He works away so for 2 weeks we have no contact other then texting occasionally.

    He has told me that he doesn’t want to give up on us but he is emotionally numb - emotional blunting I read it’s called !

    He mentioned me researching ways to help him feel less disconnected to our children and I but I am not really sure on what to suggest.

    The medication he is on is an SSRI is know to contribute to Emotional Blunting .
    Is there anyone with advise on how he can help himself start to feel emotionally connected again.

    He started the gym and is enjoying that and he said he is starting to feel happy again and his anxiety is getting better , I am happy for him that he is feeling this way.

    I am hoping that in time when he is truely happy he will start to feel other things but I don’t no how long this could take and time might not wait for us to survive this .
    I would appreciate any feed back and advise .
  14. 815
    815 avatar
    211 posts
    26 November 2021 in reply to RachelW

    Hi RachelW,

    I'm sorry to hear the situation you are in. I hope that the responses on here have given you some support and some ways to get through your days.

    It is hard. And even having been in a similar situation to you for 18 months, I still don't know what I can say to you to make it easier. But here are some things I have learned...

    You can't fix him. No matter how hard you love him. Firstly he will need to want to do that. And even once the action is taken to seek help and start improving, it still takes time. You just need to be patient while he does.

    Don't doubt yourself. As hard as it is, try not to take things personally. If what you are doing is what you believe is right because you love and care for him, then do it. It may not be perceived that way. I was told that he may not react to my actions right away, but he would have heard what I said, and remember what I did.

    Find support. Medical, professional, personal. You'll need it. As much as he needs love and support, if you are going to get through this, and you are going to fight to support him, you need it just as much. As much as this is his struggle, it still affects you. And it is tiring. So find people to help you, so you can stay strong for the journey.

    A friend of mine told me that, he is just on the other side of a big solid wall. But that wall will come down over time. And you need to be on the other side when it does. I too, was worried that after the walls came down, that he'd still feel that he didn't love me. Or still continue to believe that I didn't love him. But I had to trust that, those decades of love, would be what would keep us together once the walls did come down.

    There is a YouTube video, called Living with a black dog. It is specifically for partners and carers:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2VRRx7Mtep8

    And the last words in the video say...'always hold onto hope'

    My husband tells me that I am naive sometimes, and that I sound like I live in a fairy tale. I know for sure this isn't a fairy tale. But I have to believe that hope is the one thing that got me through each day, and continues to get me through.

    1 person found this helpful
  15. RachelW
    RachelW avatar
    8 posts
    24 January 2022

    Hi everyone

    so my husband is still battling with his depression and anxiety and we are still no better off .
    he has been seeing a psychologist who recommended he see a psychiatrist as she feels he may have ADHD so I managed to get him an appointment for an assessment next month.
    i have my fingers crossed that he may be able to get some answers and also be put on the right medication to help him.

    I’m wondering if anyone else had been diagnosed with depression but it was in fact ADHD and if so could you tell me how things changed for you when you got on meds for ADHD .
    thanks 😊

  16. New_mum_of_1
    New_mum_of_1 avatar
    6 posts
    22 February 2022 in reply to RachelW

    Hi Rachel,

    I had to reach out to you because after reading your post it sounds all too similar to my current situation.

    My partner of 3 years and I had our first baby 4 weeks ago and 1 week after being home he broke down in tears and told me he is depressed and has been unhappy for a long time. He told me he doesnt feel in love with me anymore. Said he feels nothing for anyone or anything. He said that having a new baby should be the happiest time of his life but he is miserable.

    Im so heartbroken having heard all of this. Especially being a new mum and going through the postnatal stage myself.

    He has his own business and is in the process of starting another one. Throw in a new baby and he is showing all of the signs of depression and postnatal depression.

    Financial stress is his biggest trigger which he has been going through a bit lately.

    He says he wants to get help but is yet to go see the GP for a referral.

    He has completely shut me out and distanced himself. We are living like housemates with him either at the gym, work or getting his new business ready. He hardly talks to me and is sleeping in the spare bedroom. He won't let me do anything for him (cook, wash his clothes, help with the new business etc) and its driving me crazy.

    I feel like a single mum. Im with our baby all day and I get up to her at night. He will bath her occasionally and spend maybe half an hour with her a day. I can tell he isn't bonding with her at all which can be the postnatal depression. And being a breastfed newborn she relies on me constantly.

    He told me he wants to be alone to sort himself out so I am giving him the space he wants and im not "forcing" our baby on him.

    I hate living like this. I hate being seperate and hardly talking. He is a completely different person and I miss his old self so damn much. Im grieving the fact that we don't spend any time together like families do with a new baby. This is not what I thought life with a newborn would be for us 😔

    Sorry I dont have any answers for you. All I can day is that I'm in a similar situation and its so heartbreaking. Especially being told they no longer love you. I really hope its the depression talking. Im doing my best to be supportive but its bloody hard.

    Take care x

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