Hi, this is my first post.

My partner is an alcoholic. While she’s always had issues with drinking, they’ve become overwhelming and all pervasive in the last four or five years. She drinks to get drunk every day and I’m just devastated.

When she drinks we can’t communicate at all. The only thing that matters to her is making sure she has enough alcohol. It makes her depressed, angry and argumentative, and I’m the one who wears it, night after night.

She only rarely hides her drinking from me, but she does hide it from everyone else. I’ve confided to a close friend, but other than that I don’t think anybody knows - maybe her workplace has guessed, but it hasn’t been raised with her. It makes me feel so alone and isolated. This is the main reason I’ve come to this forum - I don’t want to be the only one carrying this knowledge and stress.

My other purpose is to seek advice. She doesn’t want to stop and is currently at the stage of believing it gives her an escape from a life she is dissatisfied with. I feel like I’ve tried everything to help her but she doesn’t want to stop.

The burden on me is huge. We both work full time, but after work she just sits around drinking and getting more and more depressed and angry, while I do everything else for the household - cooking, dishes, walking the dog, laundry etc etc.

I guess I’m just at a loss for what to do. My mental health is starting to suffer now too. I love her as much as ever, but I’m also angry and frustrated.

I’d love to hear from people in similar situations. How do you cope? How do you look after your loved one, while still looking after yourself?

Hi Haurice,

Welcome to the forum. It is so great to see you here and reaching out to get some support. By sharing on the forum you share the stress of what you are going through and I hope you gain some much need relief by being here. You are not alone.

I am sorry that you have been feeling so stressed and isolated and that your own mental health is suffering. This must be so difficult especially as no one else really knows of your partners drinking. It is frustrating to witness people you love do things detrimental to their health, like drinking. It is hard to know what to do, especially when they are not yet ready to address their drinking habits. What I generally recommend to people is to get support for just you (for now). By making decisions for yourself you can build capacity in your own mental health and well-being. By seeking some counselling or support yourself, you will be stronger and better able to support your partner.

Support can come in many ways including with other peers on the forum, but I also wanted to make you aware of a support structure across Australia (and the world) called Al-Anon. You may have heard of it already? But if not, I the website is linked here https://www.al-anon.org.au

For your convenience, a summary of what they are all about is below...

AL-ANON'S PURPOSE:
To help families and friends of alcoholics recover from the effects of living with someone whose drinking is a problem.
Similarly, Alateen is our recovery program for young people. Alateen groups are sponsored by Al-Anon members. Alateen provides support for teenagers affected by the problem drinking of a parent or other family member.
Our program of recovery is adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous and is based on the Twelve Steps, the Twelve Traditions, and the Twelve Concepts of Service. The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend. Al-Anon/Alateen is not affiliated with any other organisation or outside entity.

Another option to gain support could be starting with your GP. Sometimes having a conversation with a health professional can get you started on your own healing journey.

We are listening and I look forward to hearing more about your story.

Wishing you the best possible outcome,

Nurse Jenn

Hi Nurse Jenn

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my post. It’s a relief just to be heard.

I appreciate you providing the Al-Anon details. I’m already aware of their family support groups, and had previously considered attending one near(ish) to where I live. What’s held me back is the question of how or what I tell my partner. I’m scared of telling her I am getting support for me to deal with her drinking, when she is in denial about the problem.

I can and will get in touch with a counsellor though. Even if this is just telephone counselling, I can see I need it and it will help.

It’s painful to see a loved one doing so much damage to themselves. My concern and disappointment is so apparent to her, although she perceives it as me being judgmental. I can understand why she feels that way - I am clearly disappointed whenever she drinks. I don’t want her to feel like I’m disappointed in her as a person, but that must be how it feels to her. I just wish she would stop drinking.

I appreciate your advice to focus on my own mental health. For so long I have been telling myself that the only thing that matters is for my partner to stop drinking. That train of thought has been quite damaging for me because it means I am discounting any good things in my life by telling myself they don’t matter while the drinking is still happening. Not a useful pattern of thought!

Thanks again Nurse Jenn

Hello Haurice

Nurse Jenn is a legend on the forums and has been super helpful in her post above

I just wanted to mention that I have been through the same when I was in my 30's with my girlfriend and it was awful....She would have one or two drinks and then her temper would fire up and just in my situation I was put in hospital as a result...It was bad

Back in the 1990's I was more concerned about her alcoholism that my own well being as well. I didnt think about my own health

Your mental health is paramount Haurice....all other considerations are secondary

my kind thoughts

Paul

Thanks blondguy

I’m sorry to hear you have been through a similar situation, but at the same time it is helpful to hear I am not alone.

I appreciate the advice to prioritise my mental health first and foremost. I will do that. I’m trying to focus on the things I can control - i.e. myself, my reactions, my health. Of course it’s not easy when confronted with an angry drunk person. I’ve got a long way to go.

Thanks again. I am grateful for the support.

Hi, welcome

My ex partner of 10 years slowly became an alcoholic over that period and while there was other complications like her step parent status to my daughters that led to our demise,her drinking was the catalyst. Also, she, like your wife, was aggressive and violent,resentful and helpless.

What concerns me with yourself is your fear of her. That fear has polarized you, damned if you do nothing and damned if you do. I suggest this situation won’t continue forever, something will cause a climax... better to deal with it now even if the risk of violence is high.

With my ex I tried to draw a definite lines in the sand. I’d wear some face slapping then told her it “will not happen again”!!! My teenage daughters were threatened- same line and the yelling and swearing I also drew a line however nothing worked. Her adult daughter insisted she limit herself to two drinks a night, that lasted one week.

Yes Im pessimistic about your future and living in fear issues bind that is traumatic and why you’ve come here. But doing anything will dissatisfy her and you’re allowing your own rights to erode to become her outlet of aggression. This is an acceptable situation.

I echo the other contributors here that to help her you must help yourself. By not seeking help like joining AA you are enabling her inadvertently.

all the best

TonyWK

Hey Haurice

you reminded me of what its like in our situation when you said " it’s not easy when confronted with an angry drunk person" It can be an ugly place to be in Haurice as our partner doesnt understand we are trying to help and provide support

I was really scared of my ex when she was in this state.

Can I ask if your partner would agree to a joint counseling appointment?

just a thought if thats okay

Paul

Thank you white knight and blondguy for your kind comments.

Just to clarify, I don’t have fear for my physical safety and my partner is not physically violent. I do fear her emotional reactions though.

As others have suggested, I have reached out to a counsellor (just for myself at this stage), and will see how that goes. I’m not sure this counsellor is the right person, but will persevere for a second conversation with him before deciding if I should try someone else.

I’m also starting yoga tonight because I wanted to do something for myself.

Cheers

Hello Haurice! I have a similar problem with my wife, and I see we have met on my own thread where people have offered suggestions. A big problem is if your wife will not admit she has an issue. If she would admit that, then she would probably agree to go to a counsellor or psychologist or psychiatrist. They might be able to help, at least by identifying what the cause of her drinking is. Another option is a detox clinic or a rehab centre. They haven't worked for my wife, but they do work for some people and perhaps she could give it a try.

If she won't admit the problem, perhaps a friend or family member might be more persuasive than you are. I mean, there can be an issue about taking the advice of someone who is very close and therefore (in her eyes) not objective. But a friend, family member etc might have more effect. Or a GP perhaps.

Good luck, and I shall try to think of more approaches that could be helpful, based on my own experience.

Cheers

I feel your pain and have been through the same situation. My wife drank a bottle of Vodka a day for at least 3 years after choosing to not work and drink full time. Over our decade of our relationship I gradually took on all of the household duties and responsibilities. I supported her through inpatient rehab of her choice across the country, AA, counselling, countless medical appointments to try and work out why she drinks while I worked and held things together. She went through a few psychiatrists after being given advice she didn't ageee with. Even after going through the whole addiction program in the private health clinics she was back on the Vodka within days of coming home on every occasion which was devastating. There was no reason for her to drink. She came from a good family, well educated, financially sound and physically attractive. She seemed to have it all. The conclusion was she drank in her 30s like she was in her 20s. She drank too much for too long. It started on white wine and progressed to straight Vodka. What I will never forget was a psychiatrist telling her she didn't believe she wanted to stop drinking which my wife agreed with. I then realised my efforts and support were defeated before it started. I have decided to tell my family, my work and friends my situation which although embarrassing is a weight off my shoulders. I like you could feel my own mental health suffer and left her to save myself. I am now getting my own counselling which is helping. I have bouts of sadness thinking about it but they are becoming less frequent. I understand your emotions and I feel guilt for leaving my wife even though she was horrible to me when drunk which was all the time. It helps me with my decision to leave to think that it is in a way still supporting her by making the toughest decision in my life I have given her another chance to get better. I will never go back to her even though she sends me emails expecting me to come back. I think you need to focus on yourself and meeting your own needs instead of your partners. It's hard because you care for her but she is not reciprocating it and that is not fair on you. You are definitely not alone and your post reads like my life. I had to leave as things deteriorated to a point where I could not go on living with her. You have my greatest admiration and empathy.

Hi Echoes, once again a post I can relate to, simply because I was the person who drank while I was depressed, that eventually caused our divorce after 25 years of being married.

Since that, 20 years ago, I only drank socially, now it's a month since I've had a drink, however, my ex and I talk regularly and see each other at our granddaughters birthdays etc, but we couldn't live together again, I'm 65 and enjoy living alone.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Echoes, thank you so much for your comment. I’m sorry your life has been affected by alcohol and I truly admire you for how you have dealt with your former partner’s drinking. You were brave and you did the right thing.

Your comment about your partner not wanting to stop drinking really struck me. I’m definitely relating that to my own situation. I think my partner would like to have a normal relationship with alcohol, but I don’t believe that’s possible for her ever again. She has no intention or wish to quit completely. She frequently attempts to just have one or two drinks, but as she nears the halfway point of her ‘last’ drink she starts to get visibly twitchy and agitated as she thinks about how she is going to have to find a way to get more alcohol. One or two drinks always becomes two bottles of wine.

Today she told me that she wouldn’t drink this week (“from tomorrow”). As she was saying it, she realised there was no way I would/could believe her. It was a sad moment for both of us. The number of times I have heard that kind of promise...

I value your advice. I need to focus more on myself and my needs. I’m lacking the bravery to do that properly, but your support and encouragement helps. Thank you again.

Hi Haurice

Thankyou for your understanding and empathy for other people that have posted to you above

You mentioned that you dont fear any physical harm yet do fear emotional pain which is the same. I remember the emotional abuse I received and it was awful to experience Haurice

You have reached out to a counsellor for yourself and good on you! You are strong by doing so. I wish I had your strength when going through the same in 1996 when I was 36

I wish you all the best for the new year in 2020 Haurice :-)

my kind thoughts and respect......great to have you as a part of the Beyond Blue forums!

Paul

Hi Haurice,

I'm in the same situation. My partner (on-again, off-again) is the same. She swings between recognises that she has a problem, and full-blown denial. When she's not drinking, she is kind and considerate. When she is, she's mean and hurtful, and blames anyone and everyone for her life not being perfect.

I read a really good article about enabling. It helped me to recognise that some of the things that I thought were helping were actually enabling, and learned that I needed to stop them. For example, when she wants more alcohol, and says that if I don't help her get it, she will leave. Taking away car keys so that she can't drive and potentially hurt her or someone else is helping. Going and getting alcohol for her or driving her to the shop is enabling. Even if the consequence is that she walks to the shop, and is at risk of harm. Making sure that she gets to work on time is enabling; she's capable of doing that for herself. Making excuses is enabling. Saving her from embarrassment is enabling.

Having said that...it's much easier said than done. I have done plenty of enabling. I second the thought of AlAnon and practicing self-care. Your needs are important too.

Link to the article I mentioned;

https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-stop-enabling-an-alcoholic-63083

I hope this helps. You are not alone in this situation.

Hello Haurice, I understand how you feel because my husband is a functioning alcoholic. We are both 54 and have been together since we were 21. He has always been a big drinker but it has gotten worse as years go by. Because he works he does not see that he has a problem but I think 20 stubbies per night is just a bit too much. He used to get violent because I nagged him about it but now I just retreat to my office at home and watch crap on youtube to distract myself from the fact my life has turned to shit. The belligerence is still in him but I have learned for my own self preservation to just stay out of his way. My friends no longer invite us to social occasions because of his behavior. He never wants to go anywhere with me and if we do he is rotten before we even leave the house. My brother is in the same boat as you. His partner lost her son in a horrible car accident 3 years ago and she has become very violent towards him and drinks at home all day while in charge of caring for their one and four year old daughters. I hope you find a better way through life soon, just as I hope my brother and I can have some peace on day. One thing that made us fall into the traps we are now stuck it that our own father was a violent drunk who beat our mother. My father in law is also a drunk. We sort of thought this was a normal life until we realised not everyone puts up with this bad behavior. Please put yourself first and do not end up like me. The best years of my life are gone. I am too old to start again and to poor to move away so I am stuck. Run and find yourself some happiness

Gosh Scat, sounds like my life. My partner is an alcoholic and like u said because he works as a tradie he feels he's entitled to 20beers after work!!! Sometimes I just go sleep in spare room, others I get abusive to him because I'm so stressed and frustrated and sometimes he gets abusive to me. And when I'm lying in bed alone I fantasize about packing my belongings and moving interstate to start a new life. It's so hard because his actions are completely out of my control. And I love him dearly but not when he's drunk... It's a disease, an illness and we can't make them see what the alcohol is destroying.. Alcohol is so acceptable in our society so I believe it's a harder addiction to fight. I just worry about myself now and when the times right everything will work out for the best.

Hi Lu Luck!

Your post so resonated with me! Luck your partner, my husband is a functioning alcoholic. He works all week as a bus driver, but because he has his own breath tester, he knows exactly how much he can drink each night to still be able to go to work next morning. Weekends are a nightmare for me. He starts binging on Friday afternoon and is drunk till Sunday afternoon. We can't go anywhere. We have no social life. We have no friends. Family don't even visit us. Luckily I have a group a supportive friends who have given me shelter many times (he hasn't become violent with me YET, but I'm always afraid he will..., so I just get out of the way till Monday). He does have terrible, violent rages, where he screams and shouts and threatens everybody (including his mother, who while he is sober, he adores!). This is his, and my, third marriage. We have been married 22 years, but once again, I fear I have chosen the wrong person. I'm too old now to start again (69), and in any case, I'm not willing to lose everything I've worked all my life for in a divorce. I can't count the number of times I've decided to leave him; gone away for days at a time, etc, but then I realise what I will have to give up (esp. financially) and I end up going back. He always knows I will and just treats it like a joke!

Tonight I waited till he was asleep and then hunted till I found his stash of whisky and poured it down the drain. Now I'm frightened, as last week I did that and when he discovered it, he threw my mobile phone out the door and smashed it.

Don't suggest talking to the GP. I did that once and the doctor wasn't interested. He just said "What do you expect me to do about it??". It's got to the point where we're leading separate lives: I can't bear to be around him on weekends, so I just go out each day, all day. The constant stress is starting to tell on my health.

 

Hi Annie803,

We're so grateful that you have reached out to our community today, we know that it is not an easy thing to do and you have shown a lot of strength in sharing your story. We're also really sorry to hear how overwhelming things are feeling at the moment. But please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to express youself, and our wonderful community is here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need. We're also currently getting in touch with you via email to check in with you and provide you with some additional supports.

We hope that you keep checking back in with us to let us know how you're going, whenever you feel up to it.  

If I did not know better I would have believed I wrote that article. It’s my life to a tee 🙁

Oh Lu Luck I am so sorry I didn't come back sooner to see this. How are you going now? I got into cat rescue a few years ago with a local charity so I really will end up a crazy old cat lady. Honestly there are days that the 6 cats who live with me are the only reason I stay alive. My husband hates them and becomes extremely belligerent after a skinful so I have to work really hard to make sure the house is spotless because if he sees fur on the floor he goes off. I wonder how many more there are of us who hide this awful life from others. Hello Haurice and Guest_3509. Come back and talk some more

I am the same Annie803. I only work part-time and cannot afford to rent or pay the mortgage on my own so I stay. Living in my car with 6 cats is not an option. After being raised by an alcoholic father I wish somebody had told me that not all men were drunks and I would have run years ago when houses were still cheap and I did not have children. One thing I did get right was too make sure my daughters knew this was not normal marriage and that there are good men around who don't drink. My 26 year old has decided to spend her life single which is a bit sad but at least she is her own woman

Hello Haurice, I came back to see how you are going and if you did get some help. I hope life is better. Please let us know how you are

Hi all,

I'm in a similar situation to many of you. My wife is an amazing woman. Incredibly successful, amazing work ethic, loving mother, but every night she drinks at least a bottle and a half of red wine (it's getting more and more over time) and she just stares at her phone. If I try to broach her drinking she gets angry, blames me for it, and drinks more, and we have a fight.

So, now I just try and survive each night not getting into a fight or hoping she will only drink one bottle. But that's rare nowadays. She claims she doesn't get hangovers, she says she's "piss-fit", but she never sleeps that well, is always tired and stressed out from her work, and then explodes if I haven't cleaned the house as good as she expects.

I'm so tired and drained, and I have no-one to talk to about it (that's what I'm here!)

I've looked into Al Anon etc, but all there meetings are at night, and there's no way I could leave the house then as that's when I'm cooking dinner/putting kids to bed.

I love her. But I'm so worried about the damage she's doing to herself, and the example she's setting for the kids. My wife's dad was an alcoholic and she doesn't speak to him because of that.

She used to be addicted to pot. Then it was cigarettes. Then it was party drugs like e and coke. Now, she's completely addicted to work and alcohol. I just am completely lost.

Because of COVID, she's home most of the time, and starts drinking at lunchtime every day.

I feel completely trapped and scared. I cry all the time. I do exercise, breathing exercises and all sorts of things, but I have a history of mental illness so I really struggle to cope. My coping mechanism when I'm upset is to bottle up my feelings and think about suicide. It's really not good.

I just feel drained.

From the outside, I probably look really successful. But I feel like everything I project to the world is a lie and not what is really going on in my life.

I just want to cry.

Hi tired and scared,

Thank you for sharing some of what you're going through in support of others in our valued online forums community. Giving support to receive support is what these forums are all about. Welcome to the community.

We just wanted to check in to say if you find yourself struggling with troublesome thoughts please do not hestitate to reach out to our Support Service on 1300 22 4636. They're available 24/7 with support, brief counselling and referrals.

Hi

The only comfort I can provide is to say this is common. My ex partner did similar and was an aggressive even violent drunk.

I had my kids for a weekend and she was about to hit my 13yo daughter after a belly full of red wine. I had to physically stop her and separate them. We both ended up in our bedroom where she slapped me. My daughter heard it and unbeknown to me at the time believed I slapped her. That caused a 2 year period of no contact as she refused to talk to me. See the harm alcohol can do?

We then had an agreement- 2 glasses max per night. That lasted one week.

Oh, and everything was my fault and "you caused me to drink heavily" she'd claim.

My only advice is to gather evidence of her drinking. In the future you might need it to protect your children in any custody battle. Diaries, receipts and eventually statements if legal action commences.

I'm sorry I cannot help further

TonyWK

All these posts mimic my situation except my partner denies point blank that she's is drinking. She fills plastic water bottles with Vodkz and hides them,not well, in her bedroom.

She works night duty but never drinks on her work days but almost constantly on off days but she will swear black and blue that she is not drunk.

When affected she is aggressive and abusive and will obsess on one topic,usually something ive said,,or something she claims ive said. She will call people , usually her family and friends, and claim I have done things I havent so now they think im the bad guy.

I have confided in very few people and im honestly near the end of my rope. Frankly our older dog is the onlly real thing keeping me here.

Thanks for giving me an outlet to vent at least

I am writing from an opposite view. As I feel I have a problem with alcohol. This is hard to voice out loud.

I feel all these posts are what my husband would say. Except I am not violent. I used to be happy when I'd drink, now I'm depressed and sad all the time. I don't drink every day but most days, at least a bottle of wine, usually 2.

I felt sad reading all these posts from the points of views of family. I feel my husband looks at me, like there she goes again. Like tonight. I am booking a psychologist appointment next week 5o discuss.

I have no advice. Just expressing my thoughts.

Hello Ausmo and LJpd81, thanks so much for posting your stories as many of these are kept private between people only because they feel a guilt, somewhere along the line, but when I was drinking I did it to self medicate and was told many times by doctors etc that I need to give up.

Now I haven't drunk for 2 1/2 years and before that greatly reduced what I did drink, so I applaud you for participating.

I was never abusive in any way but someone who is intoxicated will vow that they aren't drunk but will definitely keep mentioning someone they have a grudge with that can cause arguments or disruption to the family, while others have alcohol hidden in a shed or in some other inconspicuous situation, like plastic water bottles with Vodka.

When you do reach for another drink it begins with, 'oh no not another one' but won't stop someone from drinking or they leave and go to their hiding place.

Some psych's may say that they won't counsel you if you have been drinking, and has happened with me, but they miss the point and that's that the person needs help because of their drinking and misinterpret the situation which is not fair for the person.

Geoff.

Hi Haurice

I am new to the forum and would love to know if you have had success in communicating with your partner and getting through this situation

My husband is an alcoholic.

He drinks every day, on weekends he cracks a beer the moment he gets up and doesn’t stop. On work days he buys beer and starts drinking on the way home, he gets in & drinks more, he goes without food but downs a couple of six packs every night often until he is physically ill.
He is angry all the time and to ‘calm down’ says he needs to drink more plus he plays music really loud so I can’t relax. I retreat to bed but he thinks that I am doing that to spite him and then he yells and swears at me.

Sometimes I try to get him to stop drinking and to come to bed but this always ends up in him drinking more and staying up late.

He spends hundreds of dollars on beer and opts for high alcohol percentage options so that he can ‘feel it’.

He has to get up early for work and feels sick and even more angry so I get up to help him but when I beg him to calm down and drive safe he says that I am nagging. Usually he calms down and calls me as he is near work and says sorry

This morning he drank before going into work because he is depressed as he thinks he failed a drug and alcohol screening his work did. We knew this was coming but he couldn’t stop even for a day.

I am scared that he will eventually hurt himself or someone else due to his drinking.

He is never violent to me but he has damaged things in his rage, I get upset but that upsets him.

He went to one AA meeting once, he got drunk before walking in and was angry at the format, we are not religious and he couldn’t stand the references to a higher power. He vowed never to go back. He refused to go see a counsellor.

I am so tired and exhausted trying to work through this. I can’t talk to family or friends about it. I wish I could break through his barriers and stop the cycle.

I love him. I don’t want to leave. I feel embarrassed about the issues we are having.
I feel like I can’t go to a support meeting as this would upset him, he gets paranoid that I am going to leave him.

Just typing this very long post has helped me today. I am hoping that there are some ways that people have found help to defuse the arguments and tips for communicating better.