My husband & I have been together 36 years, married for 32. I was 16 when we started dating & knew I met my soul mate. Our life was really great, we were best friends, never fought & we were so in love. My husband had a couple of bouts of depression which he recovered from with counselling & medication. Then in late 2010 he suffered severe anxiety & melancholic depression which was treatment resistant. Our wonderful doctor (who specialises in mental health) helped my husband through his previous bouts of illness sent him to a psychologist & psychiatrist. After counselling & changes in medication failed to work he was admitted to hospital for ECT. After 10 rounds we decided to stop as he was hallucinating which was distressing. He spent 7 weeks in hospital having the ECT, counselling & medication changes but was still very unwell when he came home. I went to hospital every day, went to almost all of his counselling sessions & psychiatrist visits for 5 1/2 years & during this time I had him on suicide watch twice. My life changed so much & then he finally started to come back. We took a trip overseas which was amazing but when we returned things started to change. It was gradual so it took me until things became really bad that I went to our doctor & explained everything to her. She advised me to go to the psychiatrist again with him who diagnosed bipolar. Once again my husband was not the man he used to be & I struggled to come to terms with another mental illness, more medical visits & more changes in medication. It's now been about 9 months & although he has improved a lot, things between us have changed. I still care for him but my feelings aren't the same & I don't love him anymore. Our marriage has deteriorated so much that it's close to being over. I never in my wildest dreams ever thought this would happen to us. We were an almost perfect couple. Last Friday I went & had a good talk to our doctor & she has strongly suggested we have some relationship counselling which my husband & I have both decided to do. I feel so bad though because it's his illness that has changed him & therefor causing the issues so it's not his fault. But I have been through so much, I am extremely unhappy & I'm scared about the major change that could happen in my life if we don't get our marriage back on track. I'm feeling very confused & no one I can talk to really understands my situation. Just wondering if anyone has been through something similar & what the outcome was?

Hi sad carer, welcome

Im sorry for your situation

I agree with Geoffs word. Experience talking there

just because someone has a mentall condition does not exclude them from responsibilities. Perhaps I'm reading between the lines but we all need live and care and it might have become a one way street.

You can google a thread I wtote on this topic

Topic: who cares for the carer- beyondblue

Any relationship that is one way is often terminal. Geoff said there is a life for you alone and this will provide a period whereby you can clarify your needs and plan a future. Treat it like an exviting new journey, not a failed marriage...because you didnt fail, the odds of it surviving was remote.

Topic: the balance of your life- beyondblue

Tony WK

I haven't been in your specific situation but I did want to reach out and acknowledge what a challenging situation you are in. My husband has major depression and we have had probably 2 years of meds and doctors and hospital stays and ECT also. I am at the start of learning to live with mental illness but by the sounds of it you have been living with it for many years now. One thing that was hardest was when my husband seemed to change - he has a mixed state with his depression so he was very irritable with racing thoughts, overwhelming feelings of guilt and suicidal ideation. At one point I felt I had lost my partner and it was just a merry go round of medication and hospital then different medication and hospital then more medication etc etc.

We had been seeing a relationship counsellor prior to his first hospitalisation so we had some strategies but it was really hard at times. He is doing well right now and we try together to keep the black dog at heel. We have a young family so there is an added incentive to keep our family strong and loving. In your situation you may be able to undergo relationship counselling and rediscover shared values and plans for life or it may be that this isn't repairable. Either way counselling is great as it will help through whichever process is in front of you.

I hope you find some benefit soon

Just saw your post and made an account so I could reply to you Sad Carer. I totally understand where you’re coming from and I get that most of the time being married to someone who has a mental illness sucks but I’m slowly getting used to my new normal. Like you, my husband and I have been married forever and have whether 100’s of storms but I gotta say this is the toughest but I’m determined to not let it get the better of us. One thing no one seems to talk about is how hard it is to love someone so much and knowing they have no capacity to express anything back to you but sadness, despair and hopelessness. I’m sick of people telling me it’s not personal, it’s just the illness. I’m sick of telling myself this 100 times a day. It is personal. How can you possibly seperate the personal from the illness when talking about something as intimate as decades of marriage. How do you reconcile the fact that nothing you can do or say is enough. For decades we have been each other’s anchor but his anchor chain is now irreparably broken. 4 years of weekly CBT and a pharmacy of meds with no signs of recovery. 4 years of walking on eggshells, watching every word I say, constantly worried what I will come home to, constantly broke and no sex. It’s been quite a ride but I’m not going to back out. Together forever was what I said and I meant it. My focus now is on letting go of trying to help, accepting this is my new forever, and embracing activities that bring me joy.

wishing you the very best for 2018

foreverDewDrop

Thank you for your honesty, it so gelps rhat we're not alone. I have searched for books to read about marriages surviving depression etc. There aren't any!*# not to say people haven't, they just havent written about it. But each bad day a bit more of you dies. My husband attempted suicide in January and when he's down he often says he wishes I hadn't found him and that he'd been successful. It's a huge rollercoaster and I'm not sure how long I can continue the struggle. You can see them suffering and sometimes I can honestly see why they give up. Would we be better off? It's heartbreaking.

Hi to everyone who has posted on this thread recently.

I am sorry to hear you are all in such heartbreaking situations with your loved ones right now. I feel your heartache, your sadness, and your loneliness. I am also one of those tired and exhausted wives trying desperate to support my husband even though he has basically shut me out.

I think these lines from ForeverDewDrop are so relatable for me right now:
I’m sick of people telling me it’s not personal, it’s just the illness. I’m sick of telling myself this 100 times a day. It is personal. How can you possibly seperate the personal from the illness when talking about something as intimate as decades of marriage. How do you reconcile the fact that nothing you can do or say is enough.

I understand it's the illness. And I understand that what they are going through is harder than what we are going through. But I sometimes wish that someone would acknowledge that it is hard for us wives too...without making us feel guilty for admitting that it's hard, or telling us that we are making it about us when it's about them.

I just wanted to let you all know that you are not alone in this struggle. And that you are all amazingly strong for trying to stand by your husbands.

Exhausted wife, SalC, 815 and everyone reading,

welcome to this thread,

It is sad to read so many people affected by their partners mental illness.

I can understand foreverdews quote that it is so hard when people say it isn’t personal and it’s the illness talking.

For myself once was back to being stable I could appreciate Kate how much I hurt my loved ones. I apologised but knew it wasn’t enough but I had been ill and I did not have the insight to realise I was hurting and exhausting myself.

I have also cared for someone with depression so have experienced it from both sides.
I have said before but you need to care for yourself and get support.

You are not alone, you are stronger than you feel and there is support here for you.

Take care

Hi quirkywords,

Your perspective from someone who has been in my husband's situation always gives me hope that there will be better days. I honestly don't expect my husband to apologise. As you said, it is an illness, and he shouldn't have to apologise for that.

I guess some days, I just have to acknowledge within myself that it is hard, for all of us, in different ways.

And you are so right. What we can all do now is, take care of ourselves, take care of our children (for those of us who are blessed to have them), while continuing to support our husbands through this illness in whatever way we can, whether it is seen to be enough or not.

Hi Quirkywords,

Thank you for sharing, your post has given some hope in my situation. Like everyone here, my partner is also suffering from anxiety disorder. Like 815 , I I don't expect him to apologise.

He wanted to split up with me, on separate occasions, he told me I am no longer his priority, I worth nothing to him and the latest from him is I am not fun to be with. As hurtful as it can be, I told myself that is anxiety and depression that is talking , not him. I told him in order to be able to have fun, he needs to heal himself and be happy. I told him my way of having fun is to spend time with people I love most that is our little family (him and our child), he just kept quiet and walked away. I was not hurt or angry when he uttered all these nasty remarks, I know my value as main income of the family, I pay bills , mortgage put dinner on table.

I often wonder if I am in denial that our relationship is over, or just his anxiety. Anxiety has made him a very arrogant man who behaves like a child. Our close friends said he had never been like this, used to be a loving man, doting father, someone with good sense of humour.

I was about to write him a letter to tell him that I am giving us until end of this year to sort ourselves whether to stay or separate but, after reading your post, I decided to hang in for the sake of the man I love so much, stay strong for my family and educate myself by reading up on mental health illness and look after myself, captain of the ship.

Hi Blue Banded Bee,

I can relate so much to what you have written in your post here.

I sometimes think I'm in denial about our relationship also. But I just keep telling myself that his words and actions are a symptom of his depression.

I have thought to leave, many times. But then I think, he is unwell, and that should not be a reason for me to leave. And then that makes me feel extremely guilty. And so I find determination and strength to stay and hold on for another day.

Quirkywords as someone that knows from both sides, can I please ask once you started feeling better; did you appreciate the people that stuck by you? Did you realise who was there for you and who was not?

hope that makes sense

Hello Mrslaura, I'm sorry to intervene in this conversation, my apologies.

We certainly do appreciate anybody who has supported us throughout our weeks/months/years of being in depression, these people we hold in high esteem to help carry us through this illness, and yes, we quickly know those people who we thought would support us but haven't, straight away, they vanish out of sight with no contact or any interest, and many times its people you never thought it would be, that's so disappointing.

People can say some awful remarks when suffering from any type of depression, but you have to remember that your husband is not the same person as he was before this started, simply because what was said he may say something to the contrary, that's why we suggest you have counselling yourself where you can become stronger.

We know it's not easy and know how you are feeling, we are very sorry for you.

Take care.

Geoff.

Hi Mrslaura311,

Just my thought from the perspective of someone supporting a loved one through depression. I think we have to believe that through their recovery, they will eventually see that we are here, doing our best to love and support them. What hope can we hold onto otherwise?