A Sad Boy - I am glad you are safe and thank you for sharing with such honesty. You are not alone, your experiences and thoughts mirror some of mine. In fact I find it confronting when people ask THAT question. I don't find it helpful, in my experience. So be assured that those strange vibes of the atmosphere changing are not imagined. i do hope you can find a way to speak to someone without that word becoming the barrier to being heard so you can get assistance, a good ear, reassurance, professional guidance - whatever it is you need to feel heard and ease your thoughts. I can't advise you on what is right for you.
If it helps at all please know that some of us have gone through that experience and have had the same thoughts of regret. One professional told me: if you have to try too hard to be understood/heard by the counsellor then they are not right for you. You are not the problem, you did nothing wrong in speaking honestly. I found some GPs were more easy going when I shared my thoughts. They didn't react, they seemed more ready to listen. Just my experience, not saying it is right for others.
Finding the right person to talk to is tricky for some of us. Sending you good thoughts and well wishes.