FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Unable to connect with psychologists

Soloyo
Community Member

Hi there,

I’ve had depression for a long time and seen a number of psychologists over the years. I’ve never had one that I really felt was hugely beneficial.

This year has been a particularly bad year:

The psychologist I was seeing initially ended up telling me that she didn’t think she was helping me (I had been seeing her for 12 months).

The next psychologist took months to get in to, and when I saw her I didn’t think she was helping. During this time I experienced suicidal ideation for the first time in my life, and she didn’t really respond to this, so I stopped seeing her after 6 sessions.

I’ve just started seeing another psychologist who I liked for the the first two sessions, but I feel as though in the third and fourth sessions he has said some extremely misogynist things - which has had me in tears for days!

Im really mentally unwell, and don’t know what to do to get the support I need. I’m being propped up by my GP and my psychiatrist. But really need a good psychologist.

Any suggestions on what I should do?

Thank you

33 Replies 33

blondguy
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Soloyo

Welcome to the forums and thank you for posting with us too...You are strong! You are very proactive with your health by seeking assistance from your healthcare professionals..Good1 🙂

Psychologists are usually are a helpful form of counseling. I am sorry that you have a bad experience with your recent counselor.

I used to have chronic anxiety followed by clinical depression and it is an awful place to be in Soloyo. Its only through my own experience....when we start crying in front of our counselor we have started the healing process. A psychologist may require a minimum of six months of regular appointments to help us heal effectively

Soloyo....the forums are a Safe and Non judgemental place for you to post. There is no judgement here 🙂

Can I ask if you have anxiety combined with your depression ?

you are not alone

my kind thoughts

Paul

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Soloyo, I'm sorry that this has happened, especially when he has mentioned a word that could be very harmful in how you were being treated.

A psychologist has to have the courtesy to know what is going on, but to treat you with all their respect, other wise if they don't, then naturally you are going to leave.

Can I suggest that instead of leaving one psychologist for another, you say back to them that that word upsets you, then they will back off, knowing what their boundaries are.

Psychologists will test us to see how far they can go, that's their job, and we then have to let them know.

Everytime you change psych's it takes a couple of sessions to get to know them, and they are just trying to find out why you are suffering, so set your own boundaries with them, because changing them every few sessions is not going to help you.

I'm sorry for saying this and I mean no harm to you.

Geoff.

White_Rose
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Dear Soloyo

Welcome to the forum. You story will have a familiar ring to some people who feel they do not match up with their psychologist.

Can I ask you a couple of questions first? I know psychiatrists and psychologists operate differently but why do you feel you need a psychologist? Does your psychiatrist not offer any form of therapy? I know some often only deal with medication but surely they must offer some therapy.

I noticed you spoke about your new ideation about suicide. Have you spoken about this to your psychiatrist? I think this is so important you need to bring it to the psychiatrist's attention and probably to your GP as well. Has the psychiatrist recommended any psychologists? They are in a good position not only to know many psychologists but also how they manage individually and be able to match you with a compatible psychologist. I know my GP was fussy about who she referred me to.

That's the practical stuff. Geoff is right about giving the psychologist feedback about what they say. People are all different and until a psych knows you pretty well he/she may say something that you take amiss. Speak up about it. I had a psychiatrist who used to fall asleep during the sessions. I felt I had no respect from him, felt I was there to increase his bank balance and of little worth. I got fed up and told him if he fell asleep again I would leave and not return. He stopped napping.

So speak up if the session is going nowhere. But also consider what you want from these sessions. Do you go with the expectation of fixing this or that but the psych appears to disregard you? Ask about it. It may be the psych is trying to help you but therapy does not go in straight lines. In many ways the psychological community has a harder time than your GP who can say you have the 'flu, an ear infection, broken leg etc and the cure is straight forward.

We are complex animals and often do not know where our hurts started. Talking about our lives can help the psych to pinpoint how your upbringing has contributed to your current unwellness, or perhaps your marriage, job. There is so much more than immediately starting a CBT course. I would like to suggest you spend a session with your psychologist on how he/she works, how you can help the healing process, why it seems to take a long time before you start feeling better. These are all valid questions and may positively change your relationship with the psych.

Love to hear from you again.

Mary

Soloyo
Community Member

Hi everyone,

Thanks for your messages.

Paul - I’m not experiencing anxiety. I’m sorry to hear that you have had trouble with this.

I cry every session, for most of the session... and have done that for all the years I have seen psychologists.

Do you have any other suggestions of measures to know when psychology is actually helping?

Mary - I have only seen a psychiatrist a few times and that was to discuss diagnosis and medication. My impression is that the psychologist is the critical health professional for regular, ongoing support. All the health professionals working with me know about my suicidal thoughts.

I spent the first three sessions with this psychologist discussing my background, and he has a book that he wants me to follow as a form of therapy - basically about mindfulness.

Im at the point now where I don’t know what I need to work on to heal. I’m so lost. Any idea on how to approach this with someone?

Geoff - I think it’s a good point you make about discussing my concerns with the psychologist. I’m not very good with boundaries and tend to be overt accepting of situations that most people find inacceptable. Unfortunately it’s a few weeks til my next appointment and this stress is hard to sit with.

Thanks again for your input. I would love to hear any other suggestions. Thank you

Thanks

smallwolf
Community Champion
Community Champion

Soloyo,

Hi. I hope you don't mind if I ask questions in my post, it is just my thing. And I am sorry that you have not had much success with psychologists.

I have both a psychologist and psychiatrist. The psychiatrist looks after the medication and leaves the head stuff to the psychologist. Her words, not mine.

Do/did you get any homework from your psychologists? I would have to write journals, reframe negative thoughts exercises, mindful eating exercises etc. If something was not working in the next session I would tell her that such and such was a problem or I am stuck with the that. And we would then find an alternative or help me with the point where I was stuck. But I am also a people pleaser and do as I am told.

Now I have been seeing the same psychologist for about a year, and seeing her every 2 weeks. There were 2 periods where I was seeing her weekly as well. I think that I am only starting to see the benefits now. But this is also an individual thing. Some people might take less than, others longer, and that depends on many factors.

I also had to make changes in my work as well. This was because of why I was seeing a psychologist in the first place.

The other thing is being open to new ideas. I am not someone who believed in the ideas of good or bad energies. On an app there was a meditation set in space and on breathing in, feel the good energy entering my body, and breathing out, expelling the bad energy. My first thought was this is crap. But then I said that I had to give it a chance.

There are many things that might otherwise have an effectiveness on the session like whether you can both relate to each other, no personality clash. Do they listen, or interrupt, or just provide advice?

Lastly, what is the book titled? My psychologist uses mindfulness as well, and wanted me to read a book as well.

On healing, what is troubling you the most? That might be a starting point.

Peace and love,

Tim

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Soloyo, thanks for getting back to us.

Crying in a session is something I think most of us have done, I certainly did and it wasn't only one visit, it was several, that's why they always have a box of tissues sitting on the desk.

Once you start crying then they will ease off just a little bit and get you to talk about something else that won't upset, just so you feel comfortable and will respond in an empathic manner.

There is a chance you might leave the session feeling terrible, not because they didn’t understand what you've said but because they did, so what this means they have helped you experience something important.

If they can remember all the names you might have told them, that's even better, that gives you confidence.

They shouldn't be answering a question they've asked you all the time, because this doesn't let you expand your thoughts, so what's the point in paying all that money for seeing the therapist.

If you have to wait for your next appointment then this doesn't mean you do nothing, try and read how other different people have coped with their stress and learn how they have been able to extend their own boundaries, this normally comes from being able to trust your psychologist.

Let us know what you think.

Geoff.

Soloyo
Community Member

Thanks again for your responses.

I decided to be really brave and talk to the psychologist about the things he said that I found really hurtful. It was a really challenging conversation and I could tell he was quite taken aback. He said he didn’t intend to be misogynistic and will endeavour to be more sensitive in the future.

I also spoke to my psychiatrist who was appalled by the things the psychologist had said. It was good to be validated.

The plan is that I will see the psychologist again, however the relationship is very fragile. If he says one more questionable thing I will probably leave. It’s not an ideal scenario and you want to feel in a safe and trusting space... but as I said, I’ve found it really hard to connect with a lot of psychologists - many of them nice people, but just not right for me.

Hi Soloyo

I understand that you had that problem with your psychologist that you mentioned above (and fair enough too)

You are a strong (and brave) for talking to the psychologist involved. I am happy that he said that he would be more caring in the future

Can I ask if you have cried in front of your therapist yet? There is no urgency on this as the longer we see one psychologist the better our recovery will be. Sometimes they do have to ask us questions that are 'uncomfortable' so they can understand the pain you have gone through in your life...

I understand you as these visits are usually somewhat uncomfortable and then some!

Its really great to have you as part of the Beyond Blue forum family Soloyo 🙂

my kind thoughts

Paul

Soloyo
Community Member

Hello,

Im feeling the need to continue with this thread.

I stopped seeing the mysogynistic psychologist at the end of last year. I was encouraged to report him to AHPRA, however when I spoke to them it sounded like there were too many barriers. It has been so damaging.

I have started with a new psychologist. We have had two sessions. She seems nice, but I don’t feel I have gotten much out of these sessions. I plan to tell her this next week.

I feel like I’m on the brink of a breakdown. I don’t know what else to do.