Hello Beyond Blue People,

Joined up again.

Dear puddicat

Hello and welcome to the forum. I see you are here again but this is your first post. Did you write in here before? Can we help you with anything specific or would you like to spend some time chatting?

Mary

Hello Mary,

Thank you for welcoming me to the BB Forum.

Yes, I cancelled my last account with the BB forum early in the week & decided to start afresh again with a new account. So I've only have one (1) account with the BB Forum. No other account. Just one.

I had made a few mistakes & felt very downhearted about it all so thought it was best to "close up shop". .. Also some encouragement from the champions & others on the BB forum to reconsider in staying & some positive input of how we all can contribute the best we can. That last post really touched me... :) :) :)

I'm just so Thankful to the BB Forum Moderators for accepting me back. :)

Regards,

puddicat

Hello to All those on the Beyond Blue forum. :)

Don't know how to put into words what I'm experiencing . I've been trying to get on top of it all. Sorry, this letter may come all jumbled up as my brain is barely functioning & have been learning how to keyboard electronically instead on my old Olivetti (much easier to type than those electronic gizmos) which is a nightmare in itself.

I've been professionally diagnosed with anxiety depresson & ptsd. Am on medication. Managed to control these medical issues for well over 30 years without to many hassles Until the year 2017, I started to slow down yet managed to keep my head above water still able to enjoy going for my long drives in the mountains, go out with friends, shop etc. Then in 2018, I noticed the there was a "pattern" with my way of doing things, & the anx/dep/ptsd seemed deteriorating making it more difficult to do things I once had thoroughly enjoyed doing with friends. My sleeping patterns went right out of whack, stacked on the weight :( seldom went out, then didn't bother to answer any phone messages, seldom answered the door, declined every invitation to go out with friends, seldom went for my long drives up in the mountains which I've really loved.& so much more. Now in 2019, I'm almost nonexistent in doing anything. Every task is a Mountainlike Effort to do anything. Just lay or sit down as have absoutely no energy left. Yes, i do often think about those positive happy times where I was so bubbly & outgoing thoroughly enjoying life. .

Has anyone ever felt like this? :(

Interested in hearing about your personal comments or any solutions, suggestions, or ideas that worked for You to overcome severe pstd anxiety depression disorders Apart from the medical professionals which many of us see regularly.

Thank you Hearing me...

Puddicat

Hello Puddicat

First I must apologise for not replying earlier. Unfortunately I was sick which left me feeling a little the way you have described. However I feel well now.

I can relate to depression and anxiety. I was once told I had PTSD but I rather suspect not. Your description of your thoughts and feelings sound like a severe depression but I must add the caveat of saying I am not a mental health professional. Do you seen the MH person you went to for diagnosis or any other MH person? It may be worthwhile to make an appointment and work out what is happening in your life. It is frustrating to believe you are coping with life and are happy then to start crashing down again. As you become more unwell it's a usual reaction to stop doing all things that gave your life meaning.

Do you see your GP regularly, or at all? I suspect you have not seen any medical person recently but that's just a guess. Have you had your medication reviewed in the last year or so? This may be a helpful thing to do. It seems antidepressants have a limited life and after a time they are not as effective.

Whether this is true or not I'm not sure but it is what I have been told.

Pulling yourself up from the floor, so to speak, is a big effort and you need lots of support. I know you do not see your friends much these days which is a shame. They can help you get back to your former life. How do you feel about contacting one of them and perhaps going out for a coffee. Talk to someone who knows you quite well and who will listen to you. It will be the start of getting well again.

I remember feeling this way when I first became depressed. It's not nice. May I ask, do you have a job or are you retired. Not being nosey, just wondering if there have been any major changes in your life. It's a huge transition to go from having a job and then retiring. Your day needs to be constructed differently and you have more time for those activities you have always wanted to do. Well that's the theory but often there is a feeling of loss. The loss of your job and work colleagues. There is also the uncertainty of how you are seen in the community.

When I retired at first I felt as though I was on holiday and that was great for a while. Then I got down to the serious business of developing a new lifestyle. Not always easy but I enjoyed trying out various activities. Do you think this may be part of your difficulty?

Mary

Thank you Mary for your reply.

It's really nice to hear you're back into the swing of things as best as can be & do hope it stays like that for you for a very long time before another big Crash.

Your letter was rather interesting & thought to let you know as far as the medical side of things such as seeing Drs, review meds, MH professionals as concerned everything's Ok there. 👌

It Good that you had mentioned that you're not a mental health professional. At times something that sounds or looks like it's "this or that" may often not be the case yet at the same time the BB forum does have it's place in sharing & encouraging each other where can. I do appreciate your your concern.

Yes, lots of things has happened to me personally the last few years & now it's taking toll so I've had to learn to pace myself the best way I can. I've been dealing with so much that I'd absolutely burnt out. We all have issues that happen to us in one way or another & at times the whole lot overlaps together. Dealing with the loss of my elderly Mama has had a bigger impact on me this year than it did last year. My Ma was an extremely strong resilient woman right to the day she went to sleep in 2017 almost 93 years. Seeing her wither away with cancer.... She was so strong to everyone. She was a beautiful caring considerate Ma to All her children. We were all treated with the same love & equality to the next sibling. No boundaries. .

I am Grieving...

This l do know Very well..

Thanks for hearing me Mary.

Please take care of yourself as well.

Regards

Puddicat

Hello Puddicat

Thank you for your lovely post.

My mom died many years ago and I still miss her. I cried every night when I got home from work, and sometimes at work I disappeared into the toilet to have a cry. She was not ill but had a fall and everything went wrong then. She was 90.

You are right in saying we all have our problems. It's a bit sad. There is an up side. Because of our experiences we can empathise with our friends and acquaintances when they are having difficulties. The situation may be very different but the emotions are similar. Pain, anger, sadness, denial are all part of our lives at times. We also know the value of listening to others and offering support.

It must have been so hard watching Ma die so painfully. I am so sorry this has happened. We all know we are going to die one day and so will our families and friends but it's is different when it happens to us. I wonder if this was the start of your difficulties. I know you were depressed prior to this so were vulnerable to start with. Sometimes these things have the power to push us into a worse place.

You asked for suggestions for coping. I meditate although I still forget sometimes. It really helped when I first became depressed and still does. The people who post here often recommend an app called Smiling Minds. I have not used it as I have my own meditation process, but it gets a good recommendation here.

I have to take a steroid tablet once a week for a medical condition. It makes me so hungry which is frustrating as I have lost lots of weight and do not relish the idea of putting any of it back on. I have to be very focussed on what I eat and how much. Of course I succumb on many occasions and then get cranky with myself. I work with a dietician to find ways of coping and he is so helpful. Dieticians understand the lure of food and especially the lure of 'bad' foods. Comfort eating was one of my problems. I ate from the three food groups, carbs, sugar and fat. Now how did I get overweight?

It is hard to eat in a healthy way because it means preparing a meal instead of grabbing something quick but I forgive myself at times. Then I pick myself up and try again. Sigh.

Mary

Dear Mary,

Thought it time to try to post you a letter again. Wrote a very detailed letter last week & by the time I had completed it with satisfaction, then, instead of sending the Post this Reply, I accidentally Deleted the whole lot, So was needing a break to rethink things through. Still Learning to touch type on an electronic gizmo, getting the gist of it all :) Still not as fast when I was typing on my manual typewriter but getting there👌

Thank so much for sharing your thoughts on your personal heartaches & hardships medically speaking. Also thanks so much for your suggestion given of now you relax & unwind when feeling so overwhelmed. What may work for one person, Mary, doesn't necessarily work for another yet I do appreciate your input. :) Am too, sorry you've additional medical isdsues you are contending with which doesn't help either when already having some sort of mental disorder. Everything you had mentioned about loss, the different stages are so true & at times overlapping each other. Part & parcel that comes along with the grieving.

Watching my Mama pass had such huge impact on me. I had been her personal confidant for any many years. She talked about her joys her fears, her saddness & of course her excruciating pain that comes along with cancer especially at end of life. It look incredible strength & courage on my part to listen to an old dying woman who was once young herself full of vitality, full of love for my father who she was his personal caregiver for over 10 years till the time he went to sleep at the age of 82. Mama was older than Papa. She lived a longer longer after Pa went to sleep. She was full of love to All her children. I was my Pa,s emotional confidant as well. Both had similar things they needed to talk about - some of it wasn't the easy especially when it's ones own parents.My other siblings wasnt able to deal by listening to the old folk dying yet they also had other remarkable qualities to contribute. Each of us had different abilities to help in one way or another with Ma & Pa,s end of life as comfortable as possible...

So Mary, that's my story yet far from over which I no longer wish to discuss with any one at present. Thank you All the same for listening to me.

After the death of my Mama... Will send another letter to continue....

Warmest Regards,

puddicat

Hello again, Mary .... continuing on from last letter.....

Just wanted to say a very Big Thankyou for Hearing me Out :)

I don't wish to burden you or anyone else with my issues so after this letter I personally no longer wish to discuss this subject ever again.

Mary I Wrote this letter so it may give you some insight why I've mentally emotionally crashed in one big heap especially in 2019... a delayed reaction as I never had the opportunity to grieve. My subconscience mind protected me until my physical body allowed itself to heal in its own due time from numerous surgeries I had already fought so hard with before my Mama went to sleep. Actually I was in hospital ready to undergo more surgery but discharged myself to say Goodbye to my Mama for the last time. She was the only person that knew I was undergoing more surgery again. Arrived home from hospital then drove to the high care palliative nursing home, arrived just in time. The moment I went through those doors, the nurses said my name several times to my Ma that I was there with all her children - my siblings. Then within less than a minute she "let go" & went to sleep. Hearing of a dying person is always the last to go. The nurses informed that my Mama was waiting for me before she let go ......

Dear Mary, so upon joining the BB Forum, after I wrote my 1st post, I did a bit of browsing & have now posted a few comments in the Staying Well area - Threads: Words of comfort.... Three things thankful for each day... Walking shoes... I need to be on those threads as I've found what's most suitable for me whilst coping with so much & much more i've never disclosed with you or anyone..

Please feel free to join us on those threads as well. They're so positive:) On those threads the nature of my surgeries will be disclosed in due time.. some have asked questions. Will answer when ready..

Please take care of yourself & with warmest regards.

puddicat

Hello Puddicat

Thank you for your post and for explaining your background. I am glad you have decided to stay around and post to others. The only good thing about going through the mental health washing machine is gaining the ability to talk with others in similar situations. Once we have been there we have a far better understanding of the pain of others.

I wish you well for your future.

Mary

Thank you so much Mary.

I also wish you very well for all the hard work by helping those on the BB Forum,.

Well Done!!!! :)

With Warm & Kind Regards,

puddicat