Thank you for your lovely post.
My mom died many years ago and I still miss her. I cried every night when I got home from work, and sometimes at work I disappeared into the toilet to have a cry. She was not ill but had a fall and everything went wrong then. She was 90.
You are right in saying we all have our problems. It's a bit sad. There is an up side. Because of our experiences we can empathise with our friends and acquaintances when they are having difficulties. The situation may be very different but the emotions are similar. Pain, anger, sadness, denial are all part of our lives at times. We also know the value of listening to others and offering support.
It must have been so hard watching Ma die so painfully. I am so sorry this has happened. We all know we are going to die one day and so will our families and friends but it's is different when it happens to us. I wonder if this was the start of your difficulties. I know you were depressed prior to this so were vulnerable to start with. Sometimes these things have the power to push us into a worse place.
You asked for suggestions for coping. I meditate although I still forget sometimes. It really helped when I first became depressed and still does. The people who post here often recommend an app called Smiling Minds. I have not used it as I have my own meditation process, but it gets a good recommendation here.
I have to take a steroid tablet once a week for a medical condition. It makes me so hungry which is frustrating as I have lost lots of weight and do not relish the idea of putting any of it back on. I have to be very focussed on what I eat and how much. Of course I succumb on many occasions and then get cranky with myself. I work with a dietician to find ways of coping and he is so helpful. Dieticians understand the lure of food and especially the lure of 'bad' foods. Comfort eating was one of my problems. I ate from the three food groups, carbs, sugar and fat. Now how did I get overweight?
It is hard to eat in a healthy way because it means preparing a meal instead of grabbing something quick but I forgive myself at times. Then I pick myself up and try again. Sigh.