This is how I'm feeling.Im a newbie online and am reaching out for help

Cruel Accusations Scream out My Name,

''Notice me, notice me," or  "I'm enough, I Am"
Deception and Truth side by side,
one vying for attention,
the other awaits the 'Knowing' to guide.

Wisdom longs to filter through the lies
Love to confront the hate
unlocking the padlocks of fear & shame
swinging wide the gate

calling me into a wide open space
a freedom to explore
to venture into places
where I've never been before.

Then Voices condemn, crying unworthiness,
draggjng chains, that pull me back
with cruel accusations that scream out my name,
listing all of the qualities I lack.

They kick me spitefully to the ground,
over & over, they tear me apart
their sneering curses crippling me
as they rip open my broken heart.

Exhausted I lie bloodied & bruised
unable even to lift my head,
I long to shut the noises out
I wish that I was dead.

All alone, I weep the tears
that only God can see
& wonder why healing passes me by
and why I cannot Be

all that I desire
that's good and kind and free
& why after all my trying
miracles don't happen to me .

Dear Deeply,

You write very honestly indeed. That said, as you do mention lying "bloodied and bruised" we wanted to reach out to check you are OK and offer you a few additional supports in case this was more than a figurative use of words.

We know it isn't easy opening up as you have but it is so important. Our wonderful, welcoming online forums community gives and receives supports based on users' personal experiences with mental health. While the peer support on offer here is often quick, it's important to note it isn't immediate.

For immediate support we strongly recommend you reach out to the mental health professionals at our support service for brief counselling, support and referrals. They're available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via webchat from 1pm to midnight every day via: https://online.beyondblue.org.au/#/chat/start. If you're in crisis, we also recommend reaching out to our frieds at Lifeline on 13 11 14.

If ever you're at immediate risk of harm, please know it's an emergency and you should call 000 straightaway.

Welcome to our vlaued online forums community you have joined. Please don't hesitate to reach out and let us know how you're getting on whenever you feel up to it.

dear Sophie thank you for your reply. I am so weary that phoning & chatting seem a bit hard yet but I'm on my way by entering this forum. Just to know I am not alone, I am free to be honest is such a help. thank you

Dear Deeply Honest~

I'd like to join Sophie_M in welcoming you here where your thoughts can be spoken to others who do not judge, care and often have been in similar places

I regret I can't understand all your poem -my lack, not yours. You have expressed your self truthfully in a way that you understand, others such as myself look though the words and only come across phrases they relate to

that pull me back
with cruel accusations that scream out my name,
listing all of the qualities I lack.

That was me when suicidal having been invalided out of my occupation, in fact it was me before that . I felt everything was due to shortcomings in myself, a belief you took your faults with you, and so there was no real escape.

I was wrong, depression had narrowed down my view of life to just a few things, ones I genuinely thought could not be fixed. Depression convinces, its thoughts are indistinguishable from yours - you beleive.

If I understood more of your words I'd probably recognize more we had in common. Perhaps as I mull over your words further I may, or you might write again.

Even with what I have understood so far I may be able to give a glimmer of hope. From suicidal, told I'd never work again, and in the grip of PTSD, depression and anxiety I've improved to the extent I'm glad I am alive, can give as well as receive support and love, and achieve satisfaction on my work. Maybe you might call that a miracle -though a slow one.

I honestly do not know if I am on the right track in my response, I hope I am, not only so you do not feel so isolated and alone, but to be able to talk with you about your situation with at least a degree of understanding.

I hope to hear from you again

Croix

Deeply honest ,

your poem really touched me in its rawness and honesty.

I am sure it touched many others reading your poem.

Hi deeply honest.

quite a powerful poem. If you like poetry, you may like the thread Poetry Corner.

Please tell us your story.

Not_Batman

IF ONLY I KNEW HOW!

I can't meet the expectations in my mind
demanding I get everything right;
eventually I fall into a heap
wound up so very tight.

I'm screaming out, desperate for peace,
exhausted from constantly trying;
it can be just the little things that bring me down,
'til I feel like I am dying.

The weight is crushing my overwhelmed soul,
leaving me no space to breathe,
like a vanquished wrestler in the ring
I lie beaten with no reprieve.

I tell myself to rise, to fight again
but I can't face another blow,
I've given my best, given my all,
now I'm empty & desperately low.

Each stress I may face, each challenge I perceive,
pile up to a mountain so high,
my anxieties & fears mock me now,
& I hide, not willing to try.

I need to rest, without condemnation;
from within or from without,
I need to learn to love myself
as I am, there is no doubt.

I wonder if it'll ever be possible
to like oneself, here & now;
accepting my flaws & imperfections,
if only I knew how!

Written by Deeply Honest

I'm not doing well at all I've given up trying I've been in bed for a week now I feel trapped by who I am, ashamed that I can't break through to self love and live a genuinely worthwhile life . I am very alone and feel like I am living Dead.

thank you for your consideration of my first post. I am back in that very low place and struggling to be bothered with life itself. I do bring me along with each new attempt and my insecurities, my need to belong, to be valued by others all get in the way again I can't relate as an ordinary person cos I'm so broken .

Hi Deeply Honest,

Thank you for sharing this incredible articulation of what's going on for you right now. We can hear you're going through a really hard time. We're sorry to hear you're feeling like this, but we're glad you could share here. It's a great thing to have done, and takes bravery.

We’re reaching out to you privately. In the meantime, we’d really encourage you to give us a call on the Beyond Blue Support Service. We are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 and our counsellors are really good at talking people through moments like this and working out options for more support.

Another option would be ringing Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), or you can reach any of these options via webchat:

• Beyond Blue (11am-12am AEDT)
• Lifeline (24/7)
• The Suicide Call Back Service (24/7)

 

We'd really encourage you to check out Poetry Corner, too. That's a great suggestion from Not_Batman.

Hopefully we’ll hear from some of our lovely community members here on your thread soon. Thanks again for sharing here. We hope you can see this as the first step on the path to feeling better. 

Kind regards,

Sophie M