I wish to express my deepest regards to all those who took the time to reply with such generosity of soul and richness of advice.
I am humbled and grateful.
As expressed in replies I read, I can relate to some and is comforted to know that it is of no shame to seek help when required.
I used COVID lockdown as an excuse to justify my loneliness. That due to restrictions I have an excuse as to why I am alone and lonely. It helped alleviate my shame and guilt of not being able to make friends or why no one cared enough to call or check in on me. So I took on renovation tasks around the house and it kept me occupied and somewhat satisfied. When restrictions were lifted, my excuse was exposed and realisation had struck hard, that I can now move about freely, yet where do I go? Who wants me? Who called to go out? Where's my social life?
For me it's shameful and upsetting. That here I am, someone who has survived abuse, mistrust, betrayal, made to feel I didn't belong or inferior that I had to prove I myself worthy etc. Demoralising, humiliating blows not only to my self esteem, but to my very core of Being.
The past is the past and most I have come to terms with, however, the emotional and physical scars are still there and I am in some ways paralysed or reminded in times of doubt or uncertainty. I falter as I have no one to bounce ideas off or can talk to. That is up until now. :))
I still have a boiling pot of emotions, swirling at the base of my throat and hurting my heart, but I am determined to move forward, even if it's an inch at a time.
I wish all those who have fought their own battles and are still fighting the good fight, the very best in life. That you continue to grow in peace, love and acceptance of oneself and find with joy and contentment what you are seeking.
Blessings to all
Blank page (hoping to fill this page with a fruitful future.)