I think I'm just trying to get some thoughts out here more than anything else but I'd really appreciate any advice anyone has.
I'm a 36 year old man and have been struggling with depression anxiety since I was a teenager. I've managed to handle it with varying success over the years, but the last two years have been particularly bad. Covid certainly was a contributing factor, but it was certainly not the cause.
The last two years I have worked really hard to improve my situation. I journal, practice mindfulness, I'm on medication, have cut out almost all alcohol, I have good career prospects and have embraced a healthy diet and exercise regime which I actually enjoy. I also see a counselor but it's very difficult to get an appointment these days. My problem is with all this hard work I just seem to be spiralling further down.
I have good friends and loving parents whom I have spoken to about this, but I feel like I am alienating myself from them because I am finding it very very difficult to have fun around them and it's hard to talk about anything except how I feel because it's becoming so all consuming.
I just can't escape these feelings of depression. I really just feel like I hate myself and everyone hates me. I can function at work and people tell me Im a smart funny guy, but inside I just feel so empty, alone and sad. Ive never been in a romantic relationship because I just have no confidence in who I am and just can't believe anyone else would ever love me. It's not the root cause of my sadness but it definitely plays a part.
THese thoughts have been with me my whole life, but have gotten so much worse the last couple of years. Im really at a loss as to where I can go and what I can do. I've been with different counselors over many years and don't feel like it's helped much. I've tried all of the advice they've offered and it seems to do less.
Thanks for taking the time to read, I'm not really expecting any magic solution, I just felt like I need to reach out and at least get my thoughts together.