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Forums / Welcome and orientation / Immigratin, Isolation, new Mum, loneliness

Topic: Immigratin, Isolation, new Mum, loneliness

14 posts, 0 answered
  1. Baran
    Baran avatar
    11 posts
    29 October 2020

    Hi,

    I moves to Australia 8 years ago and am new Mum now, I always feel alone even when I’m with my partner. I’m trying to find friends and I criticise myself and others. My husband is doing that too. He doesn’t like socialisin and he always have stress from work. I really love to chat with someone and talk about my feelings.

    happy to find this forum.

  2. Tay100
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    Tay100 avatar
    647 posts
    29 October 2020 in reply to Baran

    Hi Baran,

    Thanks for posting, we appreciate you being here. The forum is a caring, compassionate space where you can find social connections and discuss topics of interest- would this be something you are interested in? What do you think is getting in the way of you overcoming your loneliness?

    If you'd like to chat more about your loneliness and your husband's stress, you can reach out to Beyond Blue's services here: The Beyond Blue Support Service provides advice and support via telephone 24/7 (just call 1300 22 4636), daily web chat (between 3pm–12am) and email (with a response provided within 24 hours). If you need any help navigating these services, let us know, we can help you find a service that's right for you.

    Tay100

  3. Emmen
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    29 October 2020 in reply to Baran

    Hello Baran,

    Congratulations on being a new mum. I hope this is a journey you will enjoy.

    Loneliness is a strange thing. You can feel lonely even with people around, as long as you feel an emotional connection with them. The lack of connection and feeling of loneliness can result from your own mental state as well, particularly if you're unhappy. To that end, are you happy with life? How is your relationship with your partner? Do you feel like his reluctance to socialize and stress is negatively impacting your life, or that he is so consumed by his stress that he doesn't have time for you? Have made any friends in the 8 years you have been here? If no, what is stopping you? You don't have to answer these in this forum if you're not comfortable, but I think it is important for you to reflect on this and know what the source of your loneliness is. Only then will you be able to do something about it.

    Being critical is not always a bad trait. It helps us improve ourselves and our situations. But too much of it can have a negative effect because you will constantly feel like you're not good enough, that everything and everyone isn't good enough. How about the next time you feel you are being critical of yourself or someone else, try telling yourself that people are different and no one is perfect? Learn how to accept your faults and the faults in others around you. Know that these faults are balanced by other strengths (which you may or may not be aware of) instead of looking only to the negatives.

    If you feel comfortable, I'd love to hear more about your thoughts and feelings on your situation in this forum.

    Take care,
    M

  4. Baran
    Baran avatar
    11 posts
    29 October 2020 in reply to Emmen

    Hello Emmen,

    I already feel better by seeing your respond without criticism. Life is hard when you are in new country and without family. My husband is the only child of his family and his family are not here as well. It’s strange which he hasn’t miss them and he is saying “ I wasn’t happy back hope and happy being far from them”. I love socialising but when I find friends. Specially with the same nationality as mine, my husband is not open for that, and when we are with new friends he behave strangely like doesn’t talk or he doesn’t join the others. For example if we all like to eat burger in X restaurant, he says no I don’t want that, I want pizza from Y restaurant 😬He make himself seperate from others. And it’s the reason I don’t feel good to make new friends. Actually all the friends we have at the moment are Australian, and he judged them in one stage, and all our friends are from my connections. Another thing make me feel down is , when we have friends at our home, he starts talking about my bad habits. Like “ Baran make house dirty “ I told him several times which this behaviour make me sad, but he does it again and again. He even concentrates on negative things about my family who aren’t here as well and I love them and respect them....🥺these are the reasons I feel really really alone.

  5. Baran
    Baran avatar
    11 posts
    29 October 2020 in reply to Tay100

    Hi Tay100,

    It’s overwhelming to have someone to chat with in safe environment. The main thing is my husband and my character is very different in regards to socialising. He always says: we don’t need people. He is happy with himself and being alone. He actually doesn’t understand what is loneliness feeling. We can’t talk because he doesn’t believe me and he believes I’m spoiled or something like that.

  6. Croix
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    Croix avatar
    10350 posts
    29 October 2020 in reply to Baran

    Dear Baran~

    I'm glad you made your own thread, as you can see there are some interesting people here.

    I did like Emmen's reply to you, and your explanation of what has been happening makes sense.

    Now, being a new mum things will change again. Is there anyone in your circle of acquaintances that is a new mum like you, or a little more experienced. You will find plenty to talk about.

    It is possible being a dad may alter your husband, many love being a dad and life changes (plus you get lack of sleep too:)

    The only thing that really gave me a moment's worry was not so much your husband not enjoying the company of others, but he put you down in front of others“ Baran make house dirty “. This is not a loving and considerate way to behave.

    What do you think?

    Croix

  7. Baran
    Baran avatar
    11 posts
    29 October 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    Thanks for your reply.😊Yes, it is exactly what I’m worry about. I don’t like to put my love ones down in front of others, specially when they are already suffering and trying hard to make a lovely family.I feel he doesn’t love me that much which he is telling me. What do you feel?

    he is very organised person and always complaining about me” you are not organised, you can’t manage your time, and....” I feel, he likes to control me, and because he doesn’t feel good about himself, he wants to put me down to be in his level or something like that. He always compare my childhood with himself, becase he had hard time and his family were poor, his mum doesn’t have any education but honestly I don’t care and never told him about how much our families are different and my family doesn’t care too. But my husband cares..🥺

  8. Tay100
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    Tay100 avatar
    647 posts
    30 October 2020 in reply to Baran

    Hi Baran,

    It can be hard when the people we love want to stick to one thing and we want to do another. It can also be hard when these people don't understand how we are feeling, such as loneliness. Have you tried talking through it gently with him? Maybe try and get him to see some of the benefits- and make it clear he doesn't have to get involved if he wasn't too. Try and look at resources just for yourself in your own time too- maybe a Mother's group or a family-friendly council-led event- something that can benefit the family as a whole, so he doesn't feel like he's been put on the back foot if you go out and search for socialisation opportunities on your own.

    Tay100

  9. Baran
    Baran avatar
    11 posts
    30 October 2020 in reply to Tay100

    Hi Tay100,

    thanks for your advice ☺️I appreciate that. Actually I have started joining Playgroups and finding Mums groups, I talked with my husband clearly recently and I told him:” what would you do for me if my leg was broken? I know you can’t see my loneliness feeling but you can found how painful it is to have a broken leg?”

    and I think, he can understand me better now.

    it’s good to have a chat here.🙏🙏🙏

  10. Croix
    Community Champion
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    Croix avatar
    10350 posts
    31 October 2020 in reply to Baran

    Dear Baran~

    No, you wold not pt somebody down, suffering already or not. So is is sad your husband feels he has to be disruptive when out with friends and criticize you at home.

    Yes I expect it may be a desire to control having had an impoverished life, unlike yours, That being said how much altitude do you think should you give a person for that? His actions are here and now, and in a non-threatening environment.

    I'm very glad you have established other links and friends outside the home. I hope the talk with your husband bears fruit

    Croix

  11. Baran
    Baran avatar
    11 posts
    1 November 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    I’m glad to find this forum. Thanks a lot for your kind response. Yes, definitely I don’t deserve this behaviour and I can’t do anything for my husband’s past life. It isn’t my fault to be punished for.

  12. Tay100
    Champion Alumni
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    Tay100 avatar
    647 posts
    1 November 2020 in reply to Baran

    Hi Baran,

    That's great news- let us know how finding the playgroups go! It's also fantastic to hear that through the analogy, your husband appreciates what you are going through more. Keep open communication up!

    Tay100

  13. Emmen
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    Emmen avatar
    388 posts
    1 November 2020 in reply to Baran

    Hi Baran,

    I'm so glad you've found that playgroup and mum's group. Croix is right, being a mum changes a lot of things. While your partner isn't into socializing, being a mum actually gives you a good excuse to know more people because of your child.

    It sounds like your husband has a lot of issues to work through on his own, and he's unaware how he comes across to others. That's no excuse for his behaviour. Like others have pointed out, there's no excuse to put down your loved ones. Keep talking plainly and clearly to him so that he begins to see for himself how his behavior is not acceptable. You've made a good start already, but you can take it further. For instance, I find it odd that your husband doesn't like you socializing with people of the same nationality as you. It sounds to me like he is judging them harshly without knowing them at all, which is clearly ridiculous since he is married to someone of your nationality - you! Also, him not wanting to socialize does not mean he should stop you from socializing. Just like how he expects you to give him the solitary comforts he likes, you have every right to expect that he gives you the social comforts that you like as well. Lastly, if he feels you are not keeping the house as organised as he likes, he can do it himself. After all, he lives in the same house, doesn't he? It's not your job to do things to his liking. Perhaps you can find a way to get him to realise how inconsistent and selfish he is being by speaking your mind?

    - M

  14. Croix
    Community Champion
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    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    10350 posts
    1 November 2020 in reply to Emmen

    Dear Baran~

    Wiht a new baby a lot of thing in life have to shift, among them the household duties and responsibilities, plus sleep patterns..

    For example I became office-in-charge of nappies (we had cloth ones in those days and lived in a rainy and cold climate during the winter.

    I was the only one who could figure out how to work our ancient twin tub washing machine and thus became in charge of the lot - buying, cleaning, sterilizing, washing and drying (plus folding and putting away.)

    This not something I'd ever dreamed of, but it was a fair thing, same with some cooking. So your husband, far from picking holes in what you do, will have to take over equivalent tasks himself.

    Not to do so and continue with a negative attitude will say a lot about him.

    Please let me know how you feel about this

    Croix

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