Apologies for that rant and if it seems trivial, but i think i just need to let this out. I've never had the courage to admit i'm unhappy let alone do something about it or understand what THIS is.
I feel like i'm a bit like Pagliacci - the sad clown. I'm generally a happy guy, always nice to others - too nice maybe, thinking of others, putting them first, finding humour in everything - dad jokes, puns etc. However at the drop of a hat i go to being upset, disappointed and angry.
I used to be THAT guy.. the life of the party - everyone's mate. But now, i'm the guy that everyone's forgotten. i reach out to friends to see how they're going. Messages to let them know i'm thinking of them. Yet, i never receive the same, ever. Even the ones i'm in 'regular' contact with. The conversations i start are met with short and disinterested responses - if one is received at all. i've come to hate the 'message read' icon.
A few years ago when my first child was born, my core group of friends were no where to be seen. 10 weeks after her arrival did the most annoying of the group make contact to visit us. While there were many other reason, this was boiling point for me and i said that i no longer want to be part of the group. i didn't receive a response. However, within seconds, the entire group blocked me. No more contact. Like they couldn't wait.
Ironically, i'm losing interest in my family. Although i speak highly of my father to others, i can no longer have a simple conversation without being a prick to him. i see my behaviour but i can't change it in the moment and then feel miserable afterwards. My elder brother i just see as a user. He puts his friends above everyone else and only calls on myself when he needs something - endless favours or tools.
i have a family of my own. They are my everything. I feel like i need to stay strong - stay happy for them. Lately, it's been getting tough. My toddler acts up and i lose my patience. While i would never lay a hand on her, I don't want her to grow up with this anger in the house.
I don't know why i am this way. i get emotional to songs, i have compassion for others, i get anxiety if i feel i'm being the burden - like i'm in the way. Yet, i feel no one cares about me and if i disappeared tomorrow, no one other than my girls would notice. This sadness has left me lost and manifests into this disappointment and anger. Am i just being too sensitive??