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Forums / Welcome and orientation / New and lost sad clown

Topic: New and lost sad clown

5 posts, 0 answered
  1. orangebear
    orangebear avatar
    2 posts
    15 March 2021

    Hi there,

    Apologies for that rant and if it seems trivial, but i think i just need to let this out. I've never had the courage to admit i'm unhappy let alone do something about it or understand what THIS is.

    I feel like i'm a bit like Pagliacci - the sad clown. I'm generally a happy guy, always nice to others - too nice maybe, thinking of others, putting them first, finding humour in everything - dad jokes, puns etc. However at the drop of a hat i go to being upset, disappointed and angry.

    I used to be THAT guy.. the life of the party - everyone's mate. But now, i'm the guy that everyone's forgotten. i reach out to friends to see how they're going. Messages to let them know i'm thinking of them. Yet, i never receive the same, ever. Even the ones i'm in 'regular' contact with. The conversations i start are met with short and disinterested responses - if one is received at all. i've come to hate the 'message read' icon.

    A few years ago when my first child was born, my core group of friends were no where to be seen. 10 weeks after her arrival did the most annoying of the group make contact to visit us. While there were many other reason, this was boiling point for me and i said that i no longer want to be part of the group. i didn't receive a response. However, within seconds, the entire group blocked me. No more contact. Like they couldn't wait.

    Ironically, i'm losing interest in my family. Although i speak highly of my father to others, i can no longer have a simple conversation without being a prick to him. i see my behaviour but i can't change it in the moment and then feel miserable afterwards. My elder brother i just see as a user. He puts his friends above everyone else and only calls on myself when he needs something - endless favours or tools.

    i have a family of my own. They are my everything. I feel like i need to stay strong - stay happy for them. Lately, it's been getting tough. My toddler acts up and i lose my patience. While i would never lay a hand on her, I don't want her to grow up with this anger in the house.

    I don't know why i am this way. i get emotional to songs, i have compassion for others, i get anxiety if i feel i'm being the burden - like i'm in the way. Yet, i feel no one cares about me and if i disappeared tomorrow, no one other than my girls would notice. This sadness has left me lost and manifests into this disappointment and anger. Am i just being too sensitive??

    Cheers

    OrangeBear

    1 person found this helpful
  2. amberlite
    amberlite avatar
    415 posts
    15 March 2021 in reply to orangebear
    Hi your post is courageous, well done and I hope that this is a beginning for you to have your concerns addressed. The local GP is a good port of call - just show them your courageous post! I think it's so concise and clear, what you have written that getting the right follow up, may be easier than you imagine. In the mean time I challenge you to focus only on what you have, cause it's what's most important. Good luck
    2 people found this helpful
  3. Scribble
    Scribble avatar
    7 posts
    16 March 2021 in reply to orangebear

    Hi OrangeBear.

    Thank you for sharing your open and honest post and I am sorry to hear that you have been feeling like this. I think it takes a lot of courage to speak about such hurt and feelings of isolation.
    I think your feelings are absolutely valid and real for you and aren't simply being "too sensitive." The experiences you have had with friends can take a huge toll on your confidence and self worth and this has flow on affects that you are experiencing acutely.

    Do you think it would help to reach out to even one of those people that used to be a friend and have a conversation with them? To explain how you felt and to ask for their perspective? This may not give you the answer you want to hear but it might help to have closure from that friendship group.

    You said you had kids, do you have a present partner? Have you spoken with them how you have been feeling?

    Outside of your family, do you find joy and purpose in other areas such as work, volunteering or a hobby/exercise?

    I have recently gone through a situation where I was quite miserable at work and felt that I had no direction and despite working hard, I wasn't being appreciated or valued at all. Unfortunately, these feelings of worthlessness flowed over into other areas of my life and I began to withdraw a bit from my partner and friends, not wanting to burden them with my negativity. I felt like I was losing my motivation and spark and it was really upsetting me and making me feel flat. I was so grateful for simply having a job/income, having a loving partner/family and all the other blessings in my life but I wasn't in the right mindset to fully appreciate them. I knew that if I didn't make a change, I would not be able to escape the situation. So I began making steps for change. I started studying again and even before I enrolled, the mere thought of making a change and doing something to change my situation had an immediate and flow on effect. I started feeling more positive and engaged with those around me. I started feeling hopeful again because I had found a renewed purpose.

    Would you consider speaking with a counsellor?

    I hope this has helped in some way and I hope that you continue on this journey to find contentment and to re-kindle that spark you had with life.

    1 person found this helpful
  4. orangebear
    orangebear avatar
    2 posts
    16 March 2021 in reply to Scribble

    Thank you Amberlite and Scribble. I really do appreciate your kind words and insight.

    @amberlite - a couple of years ago i had a work incident which caused a lot of stress. I saw a GP to discuss but was given a med cert to take a few days off. However, i didn't get into the whole story. That experience somewhat deterred me from discussing further - till now. Thank you for the challenge. The 'focus' part is the hardest. i know they're there.. i love and embrace them and the little moments, but that focus is hard to keep though.

    @Scribble - Thank you for validating my feelings. That alone is huge to me. I have thought on many occasions to reach out and ask those involved "what is wrong with me?". However, the bridges are burnt. Most have blocked me and those that haven't, i don't trust to be helpful. I thought of asking facebook friends to "/roastme" but fear the consequences.

    My wife knows of and understands the situation. She was not only a witness but a victim of my 'friends'. Having not grown up with the i believe she was able to let go easier than I. She is concerned about me and worries, but i dare not to burden her with more than she has to with my troubles. She already has a lot on her plate, and i need to be strong to support her.

    I had a very similar experience with work but channelled it a different way. My role is unique and i'm a one man team for the company i work for. Not many understood my role and only saw me in action once a year. I do feel a general lack of respect because of this. As such, i was put on a sort of performance review because of my quiet and efficient work ethic - they assumed i did nothing. There were meetings conducted behind my back with peers, colleagues and manages asking if they knew what i did. The report was very hurtful. I came back in improved my "perception" but the passion for my work was diminished. I am happy where i am doing the bare minimum. It's not a great work ethic, but the job does allow for a lot of flexibility to spend more time with my family.

    The idea of study haunts me. Although i have a good career now, i didnt do too well at school. (distracted and lazy). I fear that i wouldn't be able to perform. I know it would only better my career and im not that kid anymore. However, having read how it works for your inspires me to try a little harder and dig in.

    I'll have to read up a touch more on this page and see what counsellor channels are available to me.

    Thank you again.

  5. Scribble
    Scribble avatar
    7 posts
    18 March 2021 in reply to orangebear

    Hi Orangebear, I'm glad that I could offer some comfort.

    It takes two people to start, continue and finish a friendship. Asking "what's wrong with me?" or thinking of people "roasting you" seems like you are allowing yourself to take all the blame of friendship breakdowns. Does this sound right? It is healthy to self-evaluate and listen to people's feedback but always remember that there are many reasons for a friendship to end. What is it about losing those friends that most upsets you? Some of the things you mentioned like having the "most annoying" of the group coming to visit you seems to indicate to me that perhaps you weren't that fond of them anyway and perhaps given the way they treated you and your wife, they are not the sort of people you would even want to have in your life. Whilst it may be hard to let people go, maybe ask yourself, what were you holding onto them for?

    In regards to your work, it is always a difficult balance but at least you seem to have a big positive with flexibility and work/life/family balance.

    That's fair enough, study is just the example I used from my own experience giving me a renewed energy and zest for life that had a big flow on effect. You need to find something that helps get your own spark back.

    I hope you can find a counsellor to have a good and helpful conversation with soon. It takes a strong person to admit they need help, so I hope you stay on the path.

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