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Forums / Welcome and orientation / So a have BPD , Trauma , Major Depression and SH

Topic: So a have BPD , Trauma , Major Depression and SH

15 posts, 0 answered
  1. Evanthia04
    Evanthia04 avatar
    16 posts
    17 November 2021

    I have been suffering for over 3 years now , but the last few weeks have been the worst for me .. I have been self sabotaging everything l do and possibly treatment resistant . I have been seeing alot of specialist and still hitting the brick wall of frustration .

    I feel l am not being heard , seen and ignored.

    I have hurt myself and l am left with scars that are a reminder always.

    I want to move forward . but feel l am stepping backwards always.

    The struggle is real , the fear is real and the l am not sure where to go from here.

  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6604 posts
    17 November 2021 in reply to Evanthia04
    Hi Evanthia04,

    Welcome to the forums, we're really glad you've found your way here. 

    We're sorry to hear how difficult the past 3 years have been and how much worse things have felt over the past few weeks. If you feel comfortable, could you tell us more about how you've been feeling? What type of thoughts and feelings have you been experiencing? Please know our community is a safe space to share these thoughts and we will try our best to listen and provide some support. 

    If you feel up to it, we'd also encourage you to reach out to our Beyond Blue Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our friendly counsellors could talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 

    You are not alone here, and we hope that you share more with us when you feel ready. 
     
  3. Evanthia04
    Evanthia04 avatar
    16 posts
    17 November 2021 in reply to Sophie_M

    You see my feelings have been unstable , not thinking straight and keeping the chaos inside. Only 5 people know what's been happening , to everyone else a false happiness is shown.

    I am tired and I am having very disturbing thoughts and dreams or nightmares. I have too much time alone and thinking bad thoughts haven't been the best for me.

    Self punishment has occurred and I feel like l haven't truly pushed my boundaries .

    I feel this wont end well but it wont stop.

  4. yggdrasil
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    yggdrasil avatar
    128 posts
    18 November 2021

    Hi Evanthia04,

    Thank you so much for sharing your story on these forums. I'm guessing your age from the '04' in your name, and if this is accurate, this is a really hard time for anyone, let alone someone experiencing the trauma you have.

    I think the reality is that not many people your age have experienced serious trauma, and not many will really grasp what you're experiencing on an emotional level, and this makes it hard to feel heard. There are in person support groups for PTSD, depression etc, and I found these really effective and letting me feel heard and understood on an emotional level.

    Do you have any sports or other physical exercises you enjoy? Intense exercise is essential for me to manage my mental health. I think this can be a way to push your body out of its comfort level, and force the intense, circuitous thoughts out of your head. You might like something like Parkrun, which is held in most parts of Australia, and should be starting up again soon.

    I skate(board) every day now, and that really helps me break out of my head as you have to really focus on your body to avoid falling off! I always wear helmet and (usually) pads though to minimise serious risk. I skate after work, and I find that helps tire me out physically so I sleep better and don't have bad dreams. Avoiding intense or negative TV before bed also helps. I watch Simpsons before bed now.

    I notice you've got Harley Quinn as your avatar - have you ever tried roller skating? It's really taking off at the moment. I see lots of women and girls on skates at the skateparks now, of all ability levels, including total beginners. I've seen women come out of the half-pipes doing hand stands, it's amazing.

    I think there are lots of strategies for managing internal chaos. Trying to simplify your life as much as possible was a good start for me, i.e. setting strong boundaries with difficult people and minimising any painful relationships.

    There are heaps of schools of thought with therapy, but I've found the "Schema Therapy" model really helpful for me. I think it's particularly useful for people with traumatic pasts. There are heaps of resources and "worksheets" online - if you have a psych or counsellor they may be able to guide you. I remember when I was your age I thought these therapy "homework" worksheets were really, really stupid, sometimes even offensive, but you can eventually find an approach that makes sense to you I think. All the best,

    yggdrasil

  5. Evanthia04
    Evanthia04 avatar
    16 posts
    18 November 2021 in reply to yggdrasil

    Hello yggdrasil ,

    I use the 04 after my name as its my birth date , LOL l wish l was still younger .. I have lived with trauma and roller coasters of life that , l wonder why l still hold on.

    My mind races but my body cannot keep up , a knee injury and surgery has pretty much ruined me.

    So exercise is not an option at present , walking is painful enough.

    Harley Q is a fav of mine , l like her brassy attitude and how she stands up for herself. Isnt afraid to bust knee caps LOL.

    Alot of what l wish l could be, instead of afraid of being , living , etc.

    Add BPD in the mix and l am a cocktail of chaos all in one.

    Thanks for your insight .....

  6. Petal22
    Community Champion
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    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Petal22 avatar
    1979 posts
    18 November 2021 in reply to Evanthia04

    Hi Evanthia04,

    Wellcome to our forums!

    Im so sorry you are feeling this way I understand it would be difficult for you.

    Im sorry that you are having disturbing thoughts and dreams.

    I suffered with severe anxiety OCD I had horrible intrusive thoughts they really scared me and would send my anxiety to severe levels.

    I have now recovered thanks to the professional help I received.

    Are you still seeking professional help?

  7. Harpbird
    Harpbird avatar
    369 posts
    18 November 2021 in reply to Evanthia04

    Oh Evanthia04’s, I do so get you. Though our circumstances may be a little different.

    i suffer PTSD, depression, chronic pain am self harming. Though I haven’t done any SH since July I think it was. No one knew in over 40 years of my self harming, if I remember right it was about June this year when I told my friend I had SH. Well that led to my osteopath, GP, psychologist, and three friends and two of my kids knowing .

    you are stronger than you think. You came here seeking help/advice or opinions. Read them all take bits that resonate with you.

    do you have hobbies? I found they help a lot. Friends you can walk with?

    i am on holidays with my friends, they are a few years younger than me but are so caring.

    please don’t beat yourself up. Be strong.

  8. Evanthia04
    Evanthia04 avatar
    16 posts
    18 November 2021 in reply to Petal22

    Hello Petal22,

    I see a psychologist weekly and a psychiatrist bi monthly , unfortunately due to all the noise in my head and on my 3rd lot of antidepressants soon to be 4th as the current ones are making me worse. So l am going to ask l stop them asap.

    I have too much horrible thoughts , feelings and behaviors that l know its not going to be a quick fix and all is okay.

    Its good to see you have recovered from yours's.

    These days l fear everything and that's not good. Those dreams and visual disturbances are so real , l sometimes need to double check where l am.

    I don't know what to do and the worse l become the more l shut down from them all.

  9. Petal22
    Community Champion
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    Petal22 avatar
    1979 posts
    18 November 2021 in reply to Evanthia04

    Hi Evanthia04,

    Im sorry you haven’t found the correct antidepressant for you yet…… I understand it can take time to find the right fit for you………..

    When I first went on antidepressants they did make me worse before I got better. I was also told this may happen by my gp.

    Im now good and all the side effects have disappeared.

    Have you been diagnosed with anything in particular?

    I understand the noise in your head mine was unrelenting when I was going through OCD….. I thought I was going crazy….. it was a horrible cruel disorder to go through.

    I also had a lot of visual disturbances they terrified me and felt very real…..

    Id find myself questioning them and avoiding certain things in the beginning.

    I was stuck in a vicious OCD cycle….. I learned how to break the cycle.

    Are you doing a particular therapy?

    Hang in there things will get better..

    Im here if you have any questions

  10. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6604 posts
    18 November 2021 in reply to Evanthia04
    Hi  Evanthia04,

    Sorry to hear about what you are going through; it sounds tough. The community will be here to listen and chat with you. If you would like some further support tonight please feel free to call Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636. If, however, you feel unsafe this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).
  11. yggdrasil
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    yggdrasil avatar
    128 posts
    19 November 2021 in reply to Evanthia04

    Hi Evanthia04,

    Ah really sorry to hear about the injuries, that's really tough. There is always hope however, and you can slowly put yourself back together, it just takes time. Do you have any physical therapy routines planned for your recovery after surgery? Are there any other exercises possible while your knee is out of action? You can slowly turn things around. It's a years long process, but you can do it.

    Have you ever had an inpatient stay in a psych ward or PARC? I've done three different stints over the last 12 or so years. While the system is far from perfect, they can be places of recovery from the really low points. When you're at your lowest you think you'll never come out of it and your life is over, but you really can slowly turn it all around. I'm doing a PhD in science now, and have published papers and stuff. I never, ever thought I'd get to this place when I was in the wards, but you can do it.

    You have to look for the smallest, smallest victories you can find throughout the day and keep pushing forward. If walking is too painful, could you try lifting weights? I just used cans from the kitchen before I had actual weights and they worked fine. Don't let your mind downplay or trivialise any little victory, no matter how small. We're always comparing ourselves to "the best" and that makes our own achievements seem small. When your in a really dark, low place, even just making tiny, tiny little decisions to make things better, like making sure you're drinking enough water, and eating properly throughout the day, are huge victories.

    When you make a little mistake or backslide a bit, it's essential to be kind to yourself, and try to let it go quickly. If you've gotten stuck in one area of your life, like say exercise, and it's starting to make you feel frustrated or depressed, you can just press pause on that area for a while and focus on something else for a bit.

    Have you ever done colouring in? I did heaps of colouring in when I was in the PARC last time and I found it really helped calm my nerves, center me, and scratch that "anxious-energy" itch. You can buy books or just print sheets from online (https://www.crayola.com/free-coloring-pages/print/ornate-dove-coloring-page/). All the best,

    yggdrasil

  12. Evanthia04
    Evanthia04 avatar
    16 posts
    21 November 2021 in reply to Petal22
    Hello Petal22,
    Yeah these pills are seriously horrible . On to the next ones l guess.
    I was told l am suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder , and if you go though the list of symptoms l meet just about them all.
    The visual disturbance's are so real and at times l feel l am talking to back to them. Always in my head and around. She wont leave me alone.
    Nope l'm not in any therapy group. I was suggested DBT but l turned them down.
    Its a rollercoaster of many lows and little high's.
    Anyway , thanks for replying

  13. Evanthia04
    Evanthia04 avatar
    16 posts
    21 November 2021 in reply to yggdrasil
    Hello yggdrail,
    I have been tp physiotherapy for over a year and a half and recently stopped as l cannot afford to pay.
    The exercises given are difficult presently , so all l am doing is walking as painful as it is. No one can walk for me LOL .
    No l haven't been to the Psych ward , normally l am patched up and sent away. Easier that way l guess.
    Presently no motivation to do much , l bought the small weights , exercise bike , resistance bands and balance ball and it sits there, waiting to be used.
    I also bought the adult coloring books , puzzles and diamond art canvas to keep distracted but l just put them on the bookshelf , like everything else cannot bring myself to start.
    I say tomorrow , but that was weeks ago.
    I want to try and push forward but l am afraid so l remain scared.
    I feel everything and everyone.
    This isn't and wasn't my life. It was good once upon a time and it all crashed down.
  14. Petal22
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Petal22 avatar
    1979 posts
    22 November 2021 in reply to Evanthia04

    I’m sorry that the medication you were on didn’t agree with you.

    Would you consider a therapy?

    I did metacognitive therapy this therapy changed my life it gave me the tools I needed to master my OCD.

  15. yggdrasil
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    yggdrasil avatar
    128 posts
    24 November 2021 in reply to Evanthia04

    Don't beat yourself up about things being too scary to start. I understand that completely. Even just taking the step of buying the weights and colouring etc is a fantastic start. It's a victory in itself you should be proud of! Don't worry about the fact you haven't used the stuff much yet.

    I would try setting the smallest possible goals with it. So small it seems silly. Like just trying to pick up the weights, then putting them back down, and that's it for the day. Or just drawing one line on the colouring book, then putting it away again. You could even try doing this right now! It sounds silly but this approach helped me get forward momentum again when my life completely fell apart. Celebrate even the tiniest wins. You could try writing down three little things you accomplish each day. Like I said above, you should be proud of taking the step of buying the gear you have and setting it up. You don't need to commit to a full hardcore work out, or a colouring in masterpiece, just the smallest, tiniest possible engagement. Things become monstrously scary in our minds, but if we give ourselves just a little push to do the smallest, tiniest thing possible, we slowly realise how much we can actually do, and things gradually become less scary.

    I'm sorry to hear you can't afford the PT anymore - maybe there are some YouTube videos that would help? I watched Joe Wicks videos when I was getting back into exercising regularly. There are lots of chill yoga videos on YouTube too.

    Have you heard of PARCs? They're sort of like sharehouses managed by nurses, psychologists, family therapists etc. You get the support and structure of a psych clinic, but also the freedom, autonomy and privacy I believe are really important for recovery. All the staff are "real" people and many have experienced mental health challenges themselves. Overall I've found the PARCS a more supportive environment than psych wards. Do you know if there are any PARCs in your area? If you mention it to your GP and/or psychologist they may be able to help you self refer if you think they're something that would help you. Take care of yourself, and congrats again for taking the step of posting on here, doing your walking exercises and buying the weights and colouring in!

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