I have spent the whole day trying to fill out a form to try to get a fair go and to get assistance and help in making these payments fair but it is sending me into the red and is hurting my head. Just when I feel like I am making headway, something brings me down. I am trying really hard to not be a paranoid person but I have a very creative mind and tend to believe that my intuition is true and correct. I am burning out and hurting my partner which I love more than anything In the world, she is always supportive and has stuck by me in the toughest of times. Although I am aware of my shortcomings they always get the best of me and I struggle to trust everyone, I struggle to trust the government, I struggle to trust the system, I hate the fact that I am human, I hate the fact the I am a part of society, feel like the only way to beat the system is to “unplug” from the system and this is where I focus on suicidal ideology. I don’t want to end my life, I love my daughter and she keeps me alive. The struggle is real and I hate the struggle.
I have taken a mental health day off work today to try to sort out a CS1970 child support form but just had a headache all day trying to fill out this form, buying a printer, no stock anywhere fir printer cartridges within a 5km radius, although I have tried to get the forms filled by lunchtime It had taken me from morning until noon which had left me with no time to study for the next online assessment that is due next Sunday. I had seen the dr today because I needed a mental health day to try to clear my head and work on layering my issues and dealing with them one by one as opposed to viewing all the issues I have as one huge dilemma.
Life isn’t going as planned and covid, a toxic work environment which results in under appreciation of my work ethic, my study pressure and desire to achieve higher than standard results, stress I create in my relationship due to ptsd is killing my ability to connect on a healthy level with my partner.
I struggle seeing people happy when there is nothing to be happy about, we are living in a world of government agenda and complete control and I feel powerless, I view tax as theft, I feel government is stripping our lives of our ability be to be live the human life as it should be and the way we live in society is completely manipulated and controlled by government policy.
I am not a political person I actually have no desire in understanding politics, I just see politics and governments policies a form of stripping us as human beings.
Im sorry for ranting on but I jest need to get it out there because all aspects of life at the moment for me feel like a pressure cooker ready to explode. Please do not go hard on me here as I am just trying to reach out and gain some perspective and support, I have suffered depression before and have been on anti depressants and I do not want to go down that path again, although it helped me I believe the solution to my issues is tackling them one by one and layering these issues and dealing with them one by one.I can identify my problems and fixing these but I am just at a low point at the moment and I feel that surrounding myself with experienced, supporting, understanding like minded people here that have experience in mental health is a positive start. My underlying issues are trust in relationships with my own relationship, stresses related to part time university obligations and a collapsing and non supportive toxic work environment. I don’t want to end my life but the allure of unplugging is strong and I need help and advise and some positive assuremen regarding a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel a huge disconnect with my loved one and I feel My emotional state is effecting the relationship beyond return and it seems to be a vicious cycle.
Thank you for taking the time to read try story, I really appreciate it.
Please help me be the best I can be mentally because I am at tipping point at the moment and I am scared not for me but for the people around me who love me the most and really wish not to destroy my loved one and cause trauma the would last a lifetime for them.