Hi, I want to tell you about me.
This will take a little while, but I'm hoping that by actually putting myself out there that it might be cathartic and allow me to move forward, so here goes.
I'm a 54 yr old woman, and I have been caring for others for 32 yrs now. First as a parent then as a carer for my parents also as a job as a dementia carer. Six years ago I did the palliative care for my Mum who had kidney cancer, I took on all the responsibilities, and when she passed I was unable to grieve as I had to continue looking after my two children and my Dad. And now six years later I still have not grieved. I was employed as a dementia carer but had to leave the job three months ago due to burnout after four years on the job. Now I look after my youngest daughter who suffers with mental health issues and my 81 yr old Dad who has been told he has if all goes well two years left. I try so very hard to display positive vibes for them both, I however am starting to struggle. The home we rent is owned by my sister, we have been renting it for over 22 yrs now, and I have just been informed that once our Dad passes my daughter and I will be evicted.
So now to bare my soul.
Because I never grieved my Mum and the fact that after getting close to my clients and being there for 19 of them passing away yet still not mourning, I feel like I'm broken in some way. I don't cry.
I'm constantly stressed and scared about my impending homelessness, my constant financial struggles, and the fact that I'll be dragging my youngest down with me. I can't voice any of this to my family as they don't need that on top of their own worries, and basically there is nothing they can do to remedy the problem.
Every day I have feelings of extreme depression, fear, and hopelessness, I physically feel as if my heart is breaking. And I understand why, I'm heartbroken that all my hopes and dreams are not being met. That is, feeling safe/secure, feeling as if I have a future. I try to remind myself that others have it worse, my family (besides my sister) love me. But at night when I have that quiet alone time I think to myself, "once Dad is gone and when youngest has moved forward with life, what then?" I know I'll keep pushing on for my kids, putting one foot in front of the other so to speak. Although it doesn't stop the fact that I feel as if every day a piece of my soul is slowly dying off.
I know there is no quick answer or solution. But thank you for reading this and seeing Me