Hey everyone; for the last few months, and on many prior occasions, concerns about sexual contact, loneliness etc have been like a leaden weight in my mind. I'll put down a few connected specific thoughts and some questions, in the hopes of getting some advice, any general thoughts, and just maybe giving support to others who are going through the same sorts of struggles.
A snippet of context for you: I'm a 22 year old male. I have severe depression, anxiety and OCD. I've always had these but things really kicked up a notch or ten in late high school and uni. I stopped uni after a year, and for the few years since I've lived with my parents and been on various meds with very limited success.
I don't usually have all 3 main conditions at once. Right now the stand out is depression and it's mainly connected to being very sexually frustrated - I've had two sexual experiences, firstly with a friend (she wanted a relationship with me, I didn't feel the same way but she was the first non-family girl I'd ever talked to (I was 20 then) and I was totally clueless). Second was with my first girlfriend, now ex, early last year.
All I can think about recently, literally for large sections of each day, is how much I crave physical intimacy, how lonely I am (I only have a couple of friends, old school guys), how insanely jealous I am of other young people who seem to be able to get sex whenever they want with whoever they want, how unattractive/inadequate I feel, how low (wait, let's be honest, non existent) my self esteem is etc etc. And a surging storm cell of unanswered questions: how do other young people get sex so often, so easily? Where do they even have sex given that most still live at their parents' houses at my age?? (that one really confuses me!) I've gotten the impression that most girls these days say they don't want meaningless sexual encounters and don't like guys who are pushy wanting sex, yet I also get the impression that everyone (including said girls) is having sex all the time - how do I possibly reconcile that??
I'm an odd type of guy in that I'd preference genuine intimacy over quick hookups (honestly I wouldn't be against the latter but have never had an opportunity). I'm introverted, nerdy, value sincere, deep conversation, loyalty, commitment, not really a party person - not really attractive things at all!
The cultural standard of having lots of sex by my age, the jealously, confusion, longing - is even a hug too much to ask for??