Hi I'm Maddie and I'm 22 from Melbourne.

I just logged on to this forum, and saw that my last post was from November 2016, it was a post about feeling very lost in my life and having no friends or hope for the future. Today is January 9th, 2020. That post was 4 years ago.

I originally came on here to share my story and reach out for help, yet seeing that old post has made me feel mixed emotions. Its been a shit 6 years honestly. But thats not to say that I haven't had ups and great things happen to me in that time. I'm a full time worker for the past year and 1/2 and I'm also engaged to an amazing guy. I never thought that would happen. I'm truly blessed.

Basically, I've been depressed for the past 6 years and longer. I left school after year 11 (2014) because I was in hospital for most of that year, with psychosis and depression. I had survived a suicide attempt and was hospitalized three times for weeks/months. I was 17.

Leaving school really screwed up my education. I currently work in admin, and while its not amazing, it keeps the bills paid and its not terrible I guess. I know I'm lucky to be employed and relatively stable financially. I just wish I had achieved more, and thats hard to sit with.

Today I'm 22. I have no motivation to better myself, I just feel so stuck and hopeless. I hate what my mental health has ruined for my life. So you could say I'm angry too.

I self - sabotage. What I mean is that I don't eat right, I don't exercise, I do the opposite of all good things for myself. I wish I knew how to stop and fix myself and my life. Its currently falling apart at my own doing.

I've tried therapy. I've tried medication. All they did was make me feel embarrassed (therapy) and awful physical side effects (medication.)

I've tried, I've given life my all. I've been knocked back and down so many times I can't count, and every time I've gotten back up and kept trying. There's only so much you can take. I don't know what to do anymore.

It's been a long six years. I don't believe I'm fixable.

Dear Maddie

I can understand how you feel about your old post, I remember when I joined beyondblue, I had no friends and my future was a bit unknown. That was scary.

Congrats on your engagement though!

I remember when I was hospitalised for mental health reasons too. Like my mental health changed badly and I wasn't thinking right. I almost dropped out of school too.

You know, you're 22, you could be anything you want to be. I know that with an education it opens more doors than you ever thought it could. You could enrol in a bridging course, you could do uni online, you could go to TAFE as long as you find your path to university. This is your life and if you don't want to settle, this is your choice.I admit, I was a mature aged student when I went to university because my mental health struggles.

It's okay to not feel motivated. But we need to be our own best friend. You can try to make one small change such as taking a walk if you feel down. It doesn't have to be big or ongoing.

You're only human and you're just doing the best with what you have. I think you should make a plan and find out what you want and how are you going to get there.

Hi continuousventer,

Thank you so much for your reply, I didn't think I'd get any so I'm really grateful that you took the time to message.

Thank you for the congrats! I'm very lucky to be in love, and he really keeps me going :)

I'm sorry to hear you went to hospital and nearly left school as well. It's very difficult to deal with everything as well as mental health on top.

I'm just struggling to find a plan. I want to study, further my education, but I need to work to support myself financially. I'm thinking of studying aged care at TAFE in the future. For now, I'm trying to take it one day at a time.

I'm inspired that you were a mature aged student that went to Uni despite mental health struggles!

Thank you for your positive suggestion. I will do my best to be my own best friend.

Its just the roadblocks of getting where I want to go, logistically. I will be okay though, got to keep trying!

Thank you for your lovely message, and have a wonderful day.

Madds.

Honestly, I struggle too and with my reply, I feel so hypocritical because I want to give up on myself. But I have friends around me and some hope in me to still keep going. Even if I am just 'surviving.'

That's fair enough about trying to take care of yourself financially. I know there's a mature aged student in my course at university who does full time study and full time work. I am currently studying to be in the health care field and there are therapists out there who have depression and anxiety. They just manage it well.

At the moment, I am feeling a bit overwhelmed with my own depression. I want to give up, but it's not the life I have imagined for myself.

You can be anything you want to be. As long as you believe. And if you don't believe, just hang in there. It won't happen immediately. Don't think that you are unworthy of the life you want. You can do it :)

There's nothing wrong with wanting more from life.

Hi continuousventer!

Big hugs! I don't know you but you are so beautiful.

You sent me such a kind hearted message, despite feeling terrible yourself. Thats so incredibly kind.

I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling a lot at the moment. But I believe in you!

I want you to muster up as much positivity that you have brought to me, and use it for yourself, if you can. Take a leaf out of your own book!

You are going to get through this!

Are you studying to be a therapist?

Dear madds97

Aw thank you for your replies, they make me happy :) Thank you for believing in me. I honestly do try to relate with other people's experiences and understand how they might be feeling. While studying to become a health professional, I thought of how wrong I was for the profession. But it's just me being mean to myself. I am sure I have a lot to bring to mental health because of the hardships I have experienced.

I am studying to become a counsellor. All the best with your future studies :) Wherever you go :)