Hi there! Like most people on here, I'm new to this too - so hopefully I make sense.
I'm scared to be happy because every time I'm convinced that things are going to be alright, something is just waiting around the corner to ruin everything. I can't remember the last time I felt happy for more than a day, or for even a few hours. Subconsciously, I find myself intentionally being melancholic and unhappy so that I don't get overly disappointed when things turn bad again. The same goes for relationships with people.
Sure, I have my good moments, but the bad moments always seem to last longer.
(Another thing,) People constantly deem me as the "sweet and nice girl", but every time they define me in that image, I feel like I don't deserve that title. In the past, some of my friends called me out for being a liar - and it really stuck with me. I told the biggest lies to my religious friends, which were always about me attending church every Sunday, which wasn't always true. I've also been an awful friend, where I took my friends for granted a lot.
I'm definitely not proud of this, there are so many other lies and distrusting things I've done, and each time someone calls me the 'nice girl', I think of all these things. Sometimes I try so hard to be myself around others, that I think I'm actually losing myself instead.
Personally, I've hesitated to reach out because everything's probably just a matter of hormones. Anyway, I'm not sure if any of this made sense, and I'm sorry this is so long.
Thank you for reading, reader :)