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Forums / Young people / Struggling between choosing my mum or dad :(

Topic: Struggling between choosing my mum or dad :(

4 posts, 0 answered
  1. Patheticgirl5678
    Patheticgirl5678 avatar
    1 posts
    10 December 2019

    Hi everyone,

    im I 15 years old and when I was 7 years old my nana got parental responsibility over me and my dad and mum got visitation rights. Ever since my nana has allowed my mum to still live with us even after taking out an AVO against her and immediately ignoring it. She and my mum absolutely hate my dad and the fact that I still see him on saturdays. The fact is I really like my dad, he has 2 kids and a really nice wife and he genuinely wants me to succeed. My nana constantly puts me down and sometimes is nice but the problem is i have a feeling she’s very toxic. Recently while I’m at school I feel the need to make sure I call her once during the school to make sure she’s not mad at me or in a bad mood for when I get home. I’m really not sure what to do, she also banned me from doing school debating and extra curriculars because she says I can wait until I’m 16. On top of this I got a job offer which she supported until I actually got it and made fun of me for it and called the manager behind my back declining the offer. Do you think this is because she likes having control? My mum still lives with us and whenever she drunk she always blames nana for making her the way she is. Anyway next year I choose where I live and I want to choose my dad but I’ve lived her with my nana my whole life and she often says really awful things about me and even though I don’t believe them it scares me that I might go from one bad situation to a worse one. I’m genuinely scared as I’m also not allowed to study very often for school and I have to clean first or do something for her. For some reason I still love her with all my heart and sometimes she can be nice I’m just really confused right now and I never feel safe and at the moment my future is scaring me because she and my mum have no interests in my grades or future and laughed at me for wanting to do nursing. I would really appreciate some advice right now because things are getting worse and I wanted to get my medication changed but she told my doctor I’m fine which I’m not.

  2. Soberlicious96
    Champion Alumni
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    Soberlicious96 avatar
    519 posts
    10 December 2019 in reply to Patheticgirl5678

    Dear young one,

    I really don't want to call you by the username you have chosen, because I think it's unhelpful. Plus, you probably wouldn't call your friends by that name, would you? Please consider at least being a little more kind to yourself, yeah?

    I am sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time lately. It's so awful when you are caught in the middle of all the clashing personalities.

    I'd like to recommend that you contact the kids helpline, and maybe even check out the website;

    You might also want to check out the sections here on Beyond Blue that are specially for young people.

    I do hope that things start to improve for you soon.

    Take care. I'll be thinking of you.

  3. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    2830 posts
    10 December 2019 in reply to Patheticgirl5678

    Hope you don't mind if I refer to you as Star. I believe it sums you up far more accurately. Anyhow...

    Hi Star

    From what you write, you're definitely on the rise:

    • You've risen to try and meet the challenges that came with moving to live with your Nana, away from your parents. You're a star, simply because you've put effort into adapting. I can't imagine how difficult that must have been for you and still is
    • You've risen to the challenge of seeking out schooling opportunities (debating etc). You're a star!
    • You've risen to the challenge of accepting a job. You're a star!
    • You're rising to the challenge of considering a future in nursing. Yep, you're not only a star but a caring one!

    I'm sure the list goes on beyond what you've spoken of. By the way, I know the debating and job didn't pan out based on what you said but that doesn't stop you from being an absolute legend in all areas, given your interest in the first place.

    Is it possible when you next visit your dad to talk with him about all your goals and ask him how it is he can actively help you achieve them? This might give you a firm sense of direction, especially if he's enthusiastic when it comes to helping raise his beautiful young star (you).

    The loyalty and love factors...hmmm. Whilst your nan has raised you in certain ways, it sounds like she also see-saws by putting or bringing you down. This must be incredibly challenging, all the ups and downs of living where you are. If you're seeking consistency, perhaps your dad can offer it to you. You can still love your nan and visit her.

    The role of your primary guardian, no matter who it is, should be to raise you (to meet your full potential), not have you sink down into a depression of self doubt. Guardians will often carry their own psychological baggage for whatever reasons, which leads them to behave the way they do, but it shouldn't be baggage that weighs you down and drains you.

    If you do decide to live with your dad, this is a challenge your nan and mum will have to come to terms with. Such a challenge is not your responsibility. If people are sabotaging your efforts to rise, the most responsible thing they can do is either change their ways or let you move on to be raised.

    I'm mum to a 14yo boy and 17yo girl and they know that in raising them one of my goals is to drop my baggage bit by bit as we bring each other up. They're great teachers and guides in my life and they deserve to be raised with full consideration, just like you do.


    1 person found this helpful
  4. Lee97
    Lee97 avatar
    15 posts
    10 December 2019 in reply to Patheticgirl5678

    Really sorry about your whole situation. But think honestly it’s great that you’ve come here for some advice. I definitely would recommended continuing to seek some help because it sounds like you’ve had it rough.
    nursing is a great goal. If they are laughing at it, I feel like it must be because they couldn’t imagine themselves having the dedication to study so much to become such a wonderful, helpful contributor to society. If that’s what you wanna do, go for it!
    I know what you mean by your nan and of course you love her, she’s practically raised you it sounds like, but doesn’t seem like she is doing the best by you, and you know this and that’s a good step because I hope you don’t take what she says to heart.
    mid you feel like your dad is going to support you and your goals and future more, then I think you are making the right choice to move there. It sounds a lot less toxic and more family orientated which may be useful for you.
    really don’t give up, work for the future you want even if it’s hard or people laugh at you, or try drag you down to their level... you can do anything you put your mind to.

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