I'm not feeling so good at the moment. I think it'd be easiest to list my reasons. (I'm 18, female, and 2 years out of school)
1. My parents are divorced, mum is struggling and we barely have enough money to buy food some weeks.
2. I did really poorly in year 12 and it has kinda messed up all my options. I then dropped out of uni which has crushed my soul. Thankfully I'm going to tafe in July to study my passion (vet nursing) but I feel devastated that I won't be at uni.
3. I haven't met any new people in years and I only have 2 close friends to talk to, one of which is someone I don't like to dump my problems on, the other I probably dump too many problems on. I feel incredibly isolated and lonely, which is an understatement. Like I am desperate to meet new people at tafe but I have to wait until July. I have moved house 16 times and moved school 5 times so I don't have any long term friendships.
4. I have jealousy and possessiveness issues with these friends for some reason so whenever they do something without me I become incredibly anxious and frustrated (toxic mindset, I know).
5. I am working really hard but barely have any money, it all goes to groceries, petrol, insurance, pet food, rego etc. I can never buy myself clothes.
6. My mum and brother both have major mental health problems. My mum is also very emotionally distant at the moment and I just crave for her to be interested in talking to me or giving me a hug once in a while. She mostly yells at me for not doing enough. I spend all my time at home alone and don't go out of the house for anything but work.
7. I have anxiety about so many things. A big one is being close to someone/intimacy. I attempted to be in a relationship in december but I almost threw up before I went on a simple date to his house and couldn't even hold hands with him. Ended up breaking up with him after 3 weeks over text. Adds to this feeling of "I'm going to be alone forever"
8. I don't want to list things forever but I feel broken and sad every single day. I don't want to go to the GP because my brother is already doing that and I don't want my dad to think we're both disappointments. (he thinks antidepressants are for losers who have given up...)
- I have two dogs and I love them
- I have nice coworkers and my job isn't too bad
- I have somewhere safe to live
- I don't want to hurt myself
- I just miss how bright I used to be and want to be there again
Thank you for reading <3