i've never vented before, and i doubt i will again, but i'm tired and stressed and unhappy and it keeps bothering me.
like a lot of people, i hate myself. i hate how i look, how i act, how i sound. i whine and cry by myself about how i'm a failure and sad and then do nothing about it afterwards. i'm not trying to change, even when i should be. i'm not trying to be happy, even when i should be. how much i hate myself feels ingrained into my identity and i don't want to get better. i'm failing in school. i'm leaving my relationships with others to drift off and disappear. i wake up, i sit down, and then for the rest of the day, i'm wasting my hours doing something i don't even find fun. i'm spending my time doing useless things just to distract myself from properly trying to be better or trying to be productive. i say i'm trying to, but really, i'm lying so i get more time to waste. i dwell on people's words and how much impact they have on me and then i cry about it and then i hate myself for doing so. a friend tried to get me to talk to my school's counselor, and i did, only to lie and go on wasting her time. i feel like a burden, i feel like a piece of trash, and i hate myself for doing so. i do hobbies i like, and singing cheers me up, gives me energy to at least try a little, but nobody wants to hear that, so i don't as much as i want to. i think i might hate my parents, my siblings, and i know i probably shouldn't, but i think i still do and i hate myself for that. i think i might even hate some of my friends, even when they haven't done anything wrong. i look online and i read about others like me, but it doesn't comfort me, it makes me feel like a fake, like someone who's trying to pretend to be sad and angsty and edgy. my parents talk to me about how i'm failing at school, how i can't seem to be productive, and then they ask me why i can't do anything about it. i have a fairly easy life. all i need to do is focus on schoolwork and friends and it's so easy but i can't do it properly. there's something wrong with me and i kind of know what it is but i don't want to get better. i know i'm probably going to change when i'm older, but i don't want to. i want to keep on hating myself.