Hi there. I've been a frequent flyer on the beyond blue forums in a past life and I'm back again these days. Just a bit of an update.

Over the past number of years I have been dealing with depression and anxiety. Part of my treatment plan has included medications with the help of specialists. Today is the first day where I will no longer be on medications and I am now going to start implementing better lifestyle choices.

Not too long ago I was in hospital, and also I had posted on here sharing about my expeirences with depression and anxiety.

I recently quit a full time job because it was not fulfilling enough and I believe that 2 years of covid lockdown has impacted all of us in some degree. For me this was especially hard given the lack of human contact.

I think it's fair to say that all of us want some change in our lives given the last 2 years. I am kind of comforted by that fact and that people no matter where you go on this planet will now have stories to tell about the impact of covid on their life.

Here's to new beginnings and the notion of rebirth

Hi HanSolo.

I wish you all the best - that you don't have much in the way of 'withdrawal' symptoms from not using the meds now. When I stopped the meds I was on some years ago, I was forewarned about how I might feel, certain ways the decresing amount of the meds in my body might make me feel, & I did have some of that, but because I knew I might, I was able to tolerate the time it took for my body to adjust. In a sense, I thought of it like that: an adjustment period.

I still talk to my PDr, & am coping well enough to have not even considered meds for anxiety or depression (& nothing else relevant to him) since.For me, it's been all about learning I can, I do have resources & skills, can learn new skills too. So many 'little' things I barely know they are in my toolbox until I'm using them. 😺

There have been times when I certainly don't feel I have the energy to have to think of how to care for myself when thesse tools are needed. Making what we have learned our first response is so important, so I'm not responding as I once had, with thinking & doing things that don't work.

Am I making sense?

I have accepted I have a lifetime of learning how to be my own best friend. I'm not there , yet, but much closer than I ever thought possible. I never even thought writing as I do here would be something I would do until last year. & when I joined BB I thought it would only be a tempory thing for the uncertain way I was feeling, in anticipation of my PDr's break.

Do you ever look back at your early posts? See how far you've come, by reading what you wrote then? If you haven't, you just might amaze yourself. (I'm predicting this as someone who has not read your earliest posts - I don't know where they are).

Warm regards, ❤️❤️❤️❤️

mmMekitty

Hi mmMekitty and thanks for jumping onboard the Hams Express

Yes I believe my doctor mentioned this. I have been experiencing some levels of low mood and anxiety, but I have largely been controlling it. There are no external stimuli in my life atm that are giving me any heightened sense of anxiety. Perhaps the only thing I have noticed is that being at home most of the time has made me slightly more depressed, but then I know what the alternative is. I believe this feeling of depression can be mitigated so long as I continue to focus on what I like and turning THAT into something. I have literally gone back to basics. Even avoiding some food groups (like carbs) which have made me tired in the morning and of course sugar which has made me feel highs and lows (physical not mood).

I have been playing a lot of healing music in the background lately too.

You're exactly right - it is an adjustment period.

Yes you are making sense my friend. The toolbox analogy is good. Yes I think there are things in my toolbox that need to be mended as I have not used them for quite some time haha. Today for example I got up early and went to see sunrise at the beach. I live 30 mins away from a beach you see. So make the most of the opportunity right?

I am quite sleepy atm but I believe this is a good thing. Hopefully I can see the day through and sleep well.

Yeah I think I've come quite far and I have been told this. But going to your point about being my best friend - I think I have been my worst enemy for too long. So that is a 180 spin. So many things are happening, have happened AND WILL HAPPEN. This is this thing called life isn't it?

Onwards we go. Glad to have you onboard my friend :)

I want to quit my job too!

If you don't mind me asking, are you working now? What kind of work do you do?

I just feel that my work is giving me a lot of anxiety that's why I want to quit. However, with mortgage and bills, I cannot afford to be jobless.

Hello HanSolo.😺

Thinking of you, & how much (& how common it is) to not be our own best friends. Isn't it odd, when we try to think how we'd respond to a best friend in need, we respond differently than we have to our own needs. I think when our first response is to reject, minimise, deny or even ridicule our needs & feelings that we even have the need for our needs to be recognised, is the time to imagine if this was a best friend feeling & needing in this way - & how we would respond.

I think this is a great way to gauge how well we are treating ourselves. & I'd suggest looking in the mirror & talking to yourself as you would a best friend every day.

You said in your first post to this thread, that you had quit your unfulfilling job, & how COVID has impacted your life - not seeing people as much as you'd like. Have you considered ways of having interactions with people, new friends, old friends, hobby groups/study groups? Is it essential to meet people in a physical place, or would an online place be okay (with good security of your i.d. & info, of-course)? Any thoughts?

My best thoughts,

mmMekitty

good evening mmMekitty and Linger316

I am writing to now after having had somewhat of a surreal experience. You see I was on LinkedIn just now and saw some of my old colleagues talking about going to a networking event in the city. I remember thinking long ago when I first joined that industry that this networking event was something I wanted to go to. Oh how things have changed my friends and if only I could go back and say to my old self what has happened since.

You see I think I have for too long been too ready to dismiss what i care about and pursue what was safe and secure. I read a quote today - "I would rather go slow in the right direction, than at a great speed in the wrong direction".

It reaffirmed me. Onwards I go I guess hey?

Another reassuing thing was realising I have seen and met people in different walks of life and in different parts of this world. It was reassuring to me as it told me that what I am injecting into the world is coming back. It is being returned.

Yeah @mmMekitty I do. I find a balance in both is good. I am now of the view that I may leave this country for a time and see more of this world. The truer side to our nature as a species? I'm not too sure. But to answer you - i like both and I suppose it does depend on context. Through uni study last year (100% online, I know of 1 or 2 people on linkedin now).

Hi @Linger316 no i am not working at the present time, I am however doing things in my field for free and online. This has given me time to heal. I am also coming of medication and this has been a challenge I feel. Half of life is timing. the other half is luck

The more and more I think of it the more it occurs to me that I am going closer to thing that calls me. Balancing out the insecurities and anxieties with tampered daring and introspection.

"It is what it is"

Hello HamsSolo, I also wish you the best, but please don't succumb to any pressures that may prevail, there's always a next time.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Hi HamSolo01

I wish you only the best as you step foot into this new part of your life. I wish you only the best as new and perhaps some old familiar aspects of you begin to come to life more.

As 'the wonderer' in you begins to come to life more (wondering what it would feel like to see the sunrise, for example), credit to you for over riding the internal dialogue many would be influenced by, 'It's too far away, I'll do it another time perhaps'. Serve that part of you that wonders and longs for adventure. Trust and serve 'the feeler' in you that holds the ability to feel what's depressing, such as a job or a period of time (COVID lockdowns) that feel simply depressing. Give respect to 'the analyst' that analyses the hell out of things so that heavenly revelations direct your course away from what feels like hell on earth. Tip your hat to 'the natural chemist' and 'the dietician' in you, that question the impact of the chemistry in food when it meets with your own internal chemistry. For 'the physicist' in you, allow that part of you to explore all things 'energy'. From science to spirituality, the range of information is enormous. From the energy of food and chemistry, to the energy of our thoughts and how those thoughts impact our body (energy in motion), to how sound leads our cells to vibrate the way they do (thanks to positive vibing music), as I say, there is so much to explore. I relate to 'the philosopher' and 'the sage' in you that dictate 'Life will feel painful at times'. The labor pains of rebirth can feel unbearable at times. Then there is 'the intolerant' sense of self that will show you what's intolerable. There are so many more facets to us than simply these alone.

I wish someone had said to me, from the very beginning 'As you go through life, there will many many aspects of you that will gradually come to life. Some will be suddenly triggered, some with come to life gradually and some will come to life with greater care and attention. Being a gal who loves 'the observer' in me, this sense of self has always been there, in one way or another. I've discovered, choosing how to observe is key. Whether it's feelings we're observing, how our thoughts feel when they interact with our body (in sensational ways), or observing through 100% pure analysis (emotional detachment) as a way of managing depression, the observer in us has much to offer.

Cheers to that part of you that has led you to step foot on this path of self understanding :)

Thank you very much @therising

such a wholesome and holistic message to reflect on

many thanks :)

Hello HanSolo, 😸

I've been wondering how you have been.& this is just a reminder, 😸here to talk, if you want.

mmMekitty

HOwdy mmMekitty

It is nice to hear from you.

I've been well I think. A lot is going on and I feel like I have been on top of it mostly. It's now been over a month not on medications.

It feels strange to be this liberated. I think I am making mistakes but I am reflecting on them more. I have memories constantly coming up too also which is strange.

I am looking at taking a slightly different approach to dating apps - just keeping them on but not actively using them. I think it is a huge distraction atm.

I am slowly focusing on where I can go next in life. Need to make new connections. Need to start doing things I care about.

I am looking at maybe going overseas to study but unsure. Been quite occupied with other things in the short/medium term. Going overseas is a long term thing that needs more planning and HOPEFULLY tomorrow I can do that plan if it works out

My friend I am now more convinced than ever that things are a bit better than they were. I know that isn't much of a change. But it is what it is hey?

I need to spend less time thinking about a narrative in my life that tells me that time has been wasted in my 20s. Rather than think that, I need to try and focus on the fact that things HAVE happened but I just need to recall what they are.

There is so much I could say, but I may leave it here and come back tomorrow after I see my psych.

Thanks for checking in and I do hope that I see you in the next couple of days :)

Hi HanSolo,

It is good to hear from you, too, busy as you are. 😸With all the thoughts & memories, I wonder if you keep a journal? I had found writing very helpful when my brain seemed to be , as if 'dumping' everything out at me. I felt writing imposed some sort of order, & allowed me a little rest following a session of writing.

You could also sort out all the thoughts & ideas you might have about what it is you really care about & want to do. Just the act of writing or talking over these things with your Psych can help to clarify where you want to go, what your goals are & even how to achieve them.

*

The complex task of going overseas to study - I think I'd like a step by step plan. Maybe focus on a time frame as well, or leave that until you are feeling this is really going to happen soon?

I've been thinking about a possible trip overseas myself. It doesn't seem like I can though. But it seems to me all the things to do just to get on a plane seemed to be a lot & I am not sure I could keep track of everything done & not done. I marvel how so many people seem to do it!

*

😸I'd've thought you don't really have time for dating apps!

*

Day to day, we can't observe the small changes we make, the growth, the way we begin to view the world & ourselves. It is more easily seen from some time later when we look back & recall the earlier years. That's another reason a journal is good. You can look back & see where you have been over many years, if you like. & the change yu see may be quite startling.

Even if you look at your earliest posts on BB, I'm sure you will see how much differently you think & feel today.

*

Sounds to me like you have sensible goals, a great outlook, & only one thing I'd suggest, keep your eye on today, & a little ahead into your future.

mmMekitty

hey my friend

I have tried to keep a journal but i do find it hard to stop and write things down. That said I do reflect a good deal on things which are happening in my life. I do enjoy that so long as it is done with a good vibe.

My psych was good today. I felt free to speak about anything and so Idid. It turned out a lot better than last time I went. there is no judgement at all. that's what we need. we spent time talking about goals and such so that was good too.

Yes studying overseas is a complex thing and will require some time dedicated to it. I need to stop procrastinating with it.

I do agree with you here - Day to day, we can't observe the small changes we make, the growth, the way we begin to view the world & ourselves. It is more easily seen from some time later when we look back & recall the earlier years.

You know I think I have been more conscious of how i have developed as a person over the past few months. there has been a great deal of work taking place under the bonnet so to speak (meaning my mind and psychological predisposition). I did keep a journal from when i went overseas about 3 years ago and funnily enough it was the same time of the year exactly 3 years later that i opened it and read it. Strange how things happen like that isn't it?

"Even if you look at your earliest posts on BB, I'm sure you will see how much differently you think & feel today."

Oh yes! very much so !

One day at a time hey?

See you around and hopefully soon

- Hamsolo01

Today has been topsy turvy.

A roundabout of emotions

But have managed

Onwards I go I guess

Yep! One day at a time, as 'they' say, or, if you prefer, keep putting one foot in front of the other, & before you realise it, you've trekked clear across the shopping centre! & you need a rest & a recharge, 😸 to go up the escalator & trek the second floor... but I'm not trying to put you off, or anything, because I have confidence in you. 😺

Mind if I ask what you do to 'manage' these roiling emotions? My hope is that you are being very patient with yourself, listening as if to a little child, & trying to help yourself to make sense of them.

& maybe, you remember to breathe!

I'm going out early tomorrow, so I can't be here long tonight. Nevertheless, HanSolo,I've got some more of those warm ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️for you to carry around in your pockets, so you don't need to feel alone.😺Imagine holding one - you might even feel it purr.

mmMekitty

Howdy mmMekitty

Indeed - one step at a time. one foot in front of the other.

This afternoon I feel rather overwhelmed with everything. I have written up my list for next week and this has helped abit. Watched a video on youtube that helped a bit too.

Realised I need to make a list of things that are currently bothering me, upsetting me, depressing me. It could be hard to start so if I do that now I will consider today a good day. I have sent of a job application for peer support. I have also looked at some more roles in that area.

Right now though methinks I need some rest. Before my night meeting of course.

Hmm - patiences with myself? Not so much and I noticed it yesterday in fact. The notion of radical self compassion is a new one I heard recently and so I have started to implement that ever since, but only yesterday did I realise that meant taking everything in consideration. It isn't merely about expression of empty platitudes and affirmations towards myself... it is acually a form sympathy born out of experience. If I remember my own experience in mental ill health then I am better able to expression radical self compassion. It's a way of contextualising things I guess.

Gonna go for small nap here now for 30 mins before my meeting tonight. I do hope you are well mmMekitty

Thanks for dropping in - i do hope you early outing was positve :)

Hi hamSolo,

I'm not into the mouthing of plattitudes & affirmations, although some people do find it is useful for them as a way of encouraging more positive thoughts & attitudes about themselves, & co-incidently reducing the negative, because while saying the affirmations, they are not saying the other. My problemarises with the idea that simply repeating these things does not actually get down deep to where the negative talk began. I fear a superficial redirection will only mask & permit the unhealthy thought & beliefs to fester & maybe come out when we are in a new vulnerable state or situation which feels threatening.

Rest as required, good-o. I have proven to myself I cope better when well-rested. How to get that quality rest is another question!

As you may know, I like the idea of writing things out. So, maybe a list of emotions will help? I hope so. It may be helpful,if only to name these emotions. When I began naming my emotions, I did find they didn't feel so big & powerful. Just words, words to describe, words I used & could manipulate. That felt good to do. It was hard, at first, because I felt like I'd been dumped into the deep end, not knowing how to float, let alone swim. Even this gets easier, as I realised it was not inevitable that I would drown in emotions. I survived them. 😺

Here anytime.❤️❤️❤️

mmMekitty

Hey MK

Yeah I have realised I need to view myself and just about everything I do now in my life from here on out through the realm of self compassion.

I have realised some things about my experiences growing up. Some thing that took place that should not have. Where I was emotionally traumatised. Where I created a functional shell to cope.

I think that this has unearthed a good deal of solid matter in my psyche that can be broken down now and lost to the history books. It also explained why I make choices now and why do I do some things.

It has only come through the lens of self compassion.

I do hope you are well

😺 Hi HanSolo, you, now like a 🐣! I hope you are feeling well, too.

I began today very, very early with much discomfort, but now I feel better. Not sure why it was so bad, though, so what can I do to not feel so uncomfortable in my guts again? These things are passing irritations, though, in the wider scheme of things.😼

Hopefully, you will be able to confine the 'solid matter' to a small area. I wouldn't suggest tossing it all out just yet, because even these experiences & memories can reveal useful knowledge & insight, about ourselves & others.

You are a stronger, wiser, more caring & compassionate, as never before! You have learned so much.😺Through all this growth, you'll find ways to giving to yourself the things you need.

Have a great day!

❤️❤️❤️❤️

mmMekitty

Hey MK.

I love this idea of confining the solid matter to a smaller area. I agree with it completely and I think that is exactly what I will do. Yesterday I took a day off from stuff i needed to do. I ended up seeing an old school friend (was totally unplanned when i got up in the morning). I got some good coffee and good food. I also went and saw a film (The Northman). It was really good and the themes were very deep.

I am now realising the benefits of self reflection in an honest way and I am finding myself at peace with some demons. There is still more to be done in that regard. I plan on writing out some things from the past tomorrow morning.

You are very kind to be helping me with this stuff and providing some help

I do hope your gut pains subside soon

Yours

Hamsolo01