I have Bipolar and the black clouds are pure black. Being told it’s going to go away isn’t helping as it will just come back.

I’ve seen my psychologist and doctor today who have put me under 24-7 watch.

the only thing making me hold on is I don’t want to hurt loved ones.

i hope this doesn't trigger anyone off.

i just need help to stop feeling this

Hello Loula, I don't have bipolar but want to let you know that someone will get back to you, however, it is concerning that you are put on 24/7 watch and wondering whether they have suggested admitting you into hospital, just to protect yourself.

All I know is with any type of depression it can come and go, and I'm not a doctor, but know this can happen or perhaps something can trigger this.

Can I ask you how they are keeping an eye on you at the moment.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Hi Loula,

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling so much and I hear you.

From what I understand about Bipolar, I think that it's 'riding this out' while you can get your meds sorted and this black cloud can pass. Is that what's happening for you?

I wish that I could help you stop feeling like this. Black clouds are awful but I'm glad your loved ones are keeping you safe. Do you want to talk to us about them maybe? Okay if not, but it's one way of kind of building on your safety and hopefully giving you some more reasons to stay with us.

rt

All sharps and medication has been locked up. I’m under 24-7 watch.

My psychologist has been in contact and my doctor is seeing me twice this week.

you are right the depression comes and goes but that’s what I’m not handling well at the moment.

i feel very broken and scared

No my medication is correct. I’ve been so well for months. Like not manic or close to it.

I’ve just hit a black cloud out of know where. It’s really ugly.

i don’t know what to do. I just need it to stop

Hey Loula,
Thanks for reaching out tonight and updating us on your situation, 
We're glad to hear you've been in touch with your psychologist and plan to see your doctor also; we hope these are safe and supportive structures in your life. 

We can hear you feel broken and scared but please know there is support available if would like to speak these feelings and experiences through. You are always welcome to contact our Support Service either by phone on 1300 22 4636, via webchat (1pm to 12am) at https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support or via email at infoline@beyondblue.org.au. Our friends at Lifeline are also available anytime on 13 11 14 or you can visit https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat for online chat.

Our Support Service is also trying to reach you via email as we are worried about you.

Please check in and let us know how you are going whenever you feel up to it.

Hello Loula, thanks for getting back to us.

I just wonder whether something else has triggered this and/or something you hadn't expected.

Geoff.

Nothing has triggered it. That’s why the doctor and psychologist are confused.

normally I do have a trigger and then I can set my safety mood into practice before I come to this stage

Hello Loula, have you been put in another situation that has made you feel uncomfortable.

Geoff.

Hi Loula

just saying thankyou for having the courage to post with us

Whether or not there is a 'trigger' isn't important. I used to have chronic anxiety/depression for a long time and understand the pain you are experiencing....Just for myself whatever 'triggered' my acute anxiety isnt relevant anymore. I am more focused on recovery....not history (just sharing with you if thats okay)

Whether its Bi-Polar...OCD...Anxiety or depression the forums are a non judgmental place for you to post

We really hope you can stick around...There are many gentle people that can be here for you

my kindest thoughts

Paul

No I have not. I’ve been actually very well and was slowly going down on medication. But now I’m double what I’m on. I will see my doctor tomorrow

You are a very kind beautiful person. You don’t see that often. Thank you for the lift up. Means a lot and I really needed it.

That makes me really happy you are focused on recovery. That’s very strong and big.

I’ll keep you in my positive thoughts and prayers

Yesterday I was able to do my makeup and go out for coffee with my grandad. Today I went out with mum and had a medium panic attack.

I’ve been feeling normal well as normal as one can be then I’m in tears.

i talked to my doctor today. He says I’m on a true bipolar journey. Pfft fun times ahead.

we are keeping my medication adjustment the same except my relaxants. I need to use them if I feel like I’m drowning or feel like harming myself.

i told the doctor I’ve harmed myself and he recommended relaxents or find a calm place.

he has though told me not to have them everyday as they are highly addictive and will stop working once I’m use to them. He trusts me with them.

i am attempting to spend the day alone tomorrow but I’m a 5 minute drive from my mums and husbands work.

thank you for everyone’s support.

i will keep writing on here as writing helps takes my thoughts out of my brain and keeps me going.

Woke up today feeling as half as bad as last time. Dangerous thoughts going via my head. Am in a safe place

Hey Loula,
Thanks for reaching out this afternoon,
We're glad to hear you're feeling a little better since last night and feel as though you're in a safe place. Do you have any plans for self-care today?

We can hear that you're still having dangerous thoughts, but please know our Support Service is available if you'd like to speak to someone today. We’re available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEDT on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our professional mental health counsellors at our Support Service will give you support and point you in the right direction for help in your area.

I’ve taken extra medication today. I’m with my mum who’s siting with me and putting wedding fails on to make me laugh.

the pain is getting worse. I’m really having self harm thoughts. But I’m in a safe place.

just want to run

I self harmed last night. It got the better of me.

Hey Loula

Sounds like you're really struggling with self harm which is a very common but unhealthy coping mechanism.

What youve said makes us concerned about your well being right now, so we're reaching out to you privately (check your inbox).

We encourage you to share whats been happening for you here through our online community but also want you know that there is always support available to you.

Alternatively, you're welcome to reach out to our support service directly on 1300 22 4636 or online, as well as our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

If you feel at any time that you are unable to keep yourself from acting on unsafe urges of suicide or self harm, then this is an emergency and it's important that you contact 000 (triple zero) straightaway. 

Hello Dear Louka,

I really am deeply sorry that you gave in to your urges...I have been diagnosed with bi polar...I think it’s a wrong diagnosis because I only have 2-3 mania episodes a year, the rest of the time I’m stuck in depression...and go down the dark pit quite a lot when my past trauma triggers me...

I do get thoughts of self harm...and worse when I’m deep down, and can some what I think know how badly your struggling...A few years ago I was hospitalised for nearly 6 weeks at one time, and the last couple of years a couple of weeks at a time...I learnt a lot about distractions while in hospital....I think it’s one of the main coping techniques that are available for us...

When I notice that my thoughts are turning against me...I try hard to find something that will distract them....mostly it’s putting on a song I know the words to, and sing along with it, I also start to play with my 2 fur girls, more then I usually do...or sometimes play internet games....Another thing I was told, was to write my thoughts down on a piece of paper, rip them up and throw them in the trash can....Sometimes self talk helps me as well....I understand that what works for one, doesn’t always work for others...but I thought I would try to see if they will help you, by writing to you...

Its really hard to remember that our thoughts, are just that.,,only thoughts...and we don’t have to act on them...(hard though, I know)...We are not our bi polar...Lovely Loula, you are so much more...

The contacts Sophie has given you are some I’ve used before, and the people on the other end of the phone are very kind and understanding...Please dear Loula, please reach out to them if you feel you need to talk to someone quickly about your thoughts...

Sitting with you lovely Loula, with kind thoughts, my care...and support...

Please let us know how your feeling today, only if you want to...,no pressure here at all...

Sending you a warm and caring hug 🤗...If you like them...

Grandy..

I have called the number. Just told me they safety tools I needed to hear again. 

I am going to call my doctor tomorrow and see if I can get any more help.

Dear Loula, 

We're glad to hear that you're not at the point of being admitted into the hospital, but we can still read how distressing this is for you. We're also sorry to hear that you felt you were forced out the last time you were at the hospital. This all sounds really tough. Calling your doctor tomorrow sounds like a good idea. Please do continue to post here as you wish to receive support during this difficult time. If you need a distraction, you are also welcome to jump onto the 'social zone' part of our forum and engage in some light-hearted/game-based conversations. Some of our community members find that helpful. 

Thank you kindly for taking the time to write back. You are a very beautiful soul.

I am doing distractions therapy like watching my favourite Tv shows that make me calm. I’ve gone for a walk. But nothing is working.

I have called up a few help lines and they where very kind but I just want a quick answer to solve my problem problem. I just don’t like it. But I know everyone is the same. 

I am actually feeling worse. Night times are harder for me. I’ve taken something to help me sleep. Just praying it goes away and I sleep and dream of beautiful things.

thank you for being so honest with me.

Hello Loula,

Its good to hear that you will call your Dr tomorrow...I really do hope that more help can be offered to you...maybe if it’s possible to make an appointment with your Dr. then talk to him/her about how you’re feeling....

Sometimes it’s really hard to help ourselves with the safety tools...especially when we are feeling so down...

Do you have something special you like doing, that maybe you could try to do...or maybe if you just feel like talking about anything at all I’m listening....

The social zones that Sophie has mentioned does for me give me a bit of distraction away from my thoughts....

Their is a Grounding thread on the forums...which gives some good suggestions on how to ground yourself when your thoughts are not healthy thoughts...You can search the title...”Grounding..What is it and how do we”...in the search bar top right of this page...

Here for you lovely Loula , if you feel up to talking..

Kind and caring thoughts..

Grandy..

I’m feeling more in pain. Night times are hard for me. I’ve called up some services and they have been kind and encouraging me but I just want the answer to stop it. I feel though everyone is the same.

im scared about tonight. My brain goes crazy. 

i might call my best friend

Hi Loula, 

We are so sorry to hear that things have become worse for you. It would be really difficult to feel scared about tonight. In line with what you said earlier, we hope you have beautiful dreams and have our fingers crossed for you. 

We really commend your ability to look after yourself when things get tough. You're doing a number of things to try and better your situation - contacting GPs, contacting crisis support services, distracting yourself, seeking peer support, calling your best friend. You're doing an incredible job at looking after yourself, despite feeling the way you do. We hope you are aware of this strength of yours. 

You mentioned having bipolar. We're aware that some bipolar support groups exist, and thought it might be helpful to share these with you for an extra level of support if you don't use it already. Bipolar Australia run peer support groups across Australia. You can read about them here.  

We're so glad you feel comfortable sharing how you're feeling here. We hope posting here helps you. Please do continue to post as you see fit, and continue doing what you're doing to look after yourself during this difficult time. 

Hey Loula

Thankyou so much for taking the time to post back with your super kind post :-)

Can I ask how often you see your GP for support?

The frequency of our visits is crucial to our recovery......Whether its acute anxiety/bipolar/depression...I still see my doc every few weeks as I always feel better after a single or double appointment

please be gentle to yourself.....you are a kind hearted person

my kindest thoughts always

Paul

Hello,

i Normally see my doctor and psychologist once a month.

due to the state I’m in I’m seeing my doctor every three days.

i can’t be kind to myself as I expect perfection

I saw my doctor. Me is experimenting me on a old school medication to see if it will take away the pain I feel in my bones and heart. I really hope it works. The pain makes me self harm and I can not keep doing that.

Thank you for the advice to join the group

Hi Loula,

We’re sorry to hear you are not feeling very well this morning. Whilst you are needing to see your doctor and psychologist more frequently due to what you are currently going through, we are glad you are receiving support. Sometimes we all need a little bit more support than usual to get us through the hard times.

Whilst you may be seeing your psychologist or doctor soon, our friendly counsellors are available if you need someone to talk to at any time - 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport.

We hope that you keep checking back in and let us know how you are going when you feel up to it. We're all here for you and care about your progress.

The black cloud is still over me. It’s yelling unhappy things. But my brain can see a little hold in the cloud. It’s screaming you can do this.

i'm struggling today. But I’ve also spoke to my psychologist who gave me some helpful insight to what’s happening and tools to use such as you are in a cyclone the worst of it. Just keep your self safe.

As you know it’s very hard to but I’m happy I can see that hole and light in the black cloud.

the trial medication the doctor put me on worked amazing. Sadly it’s very highly addictive so I am only going to use it how he prescribed it and have it when I’m in actual pain from my bipolar