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Forums / Depression / Battling Depression. I can't handle it anymore!!

Topic: Battling Depression. I can't handle it anymore!!

13 posts, 0 answered
  1. Paul12345
    Paul12345 avatar
    1 posts
    7 October 2016

    Hi all,

    My name is Paul. I am a 48 year old male and I am having a really hard time with my depression. I have been unemployed now for over 2 years since the last paying job. Times are tough and the bills have hit the roof. I feel that I have no purpose anymore and have been able to manage my depression for about 18 months. The last 6 months however I can not sleep more than 3 hours at a time, I get anxiety about my future, I am not eating properly, I think dark thoughts that are uncontrollable and that scares me and finally I have come to the point of being suicidal, but just don't have the balls to do it!! I am losing my mind and my resolve to handle this naturally and may need medication to get me through this. I don't like medicating myself. I don't have ANY faith in the pharmaceutical companies and their placebo agendas to rape the world of money for NO CURE!! As you can see I am broken. Life has broken me badly and now I want out. I don't go out anymore and feel very uncomfortable around other people.

    It is however good to vent and get it off your chest. This is the therapy I have used to get me by for the last 18 months of my 2 year hiatus. I am a majorly qualified individual and have 143 IQ. I am no idiot!! This makes me borderline insane and depression bring it out in me. I feel better to get all this off my chest. Thanks for letting me make your ears bleed, but this is what is going on in my head. Dark times indeed!!!

  2. blondguy
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
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    blondguy avatar
    9626 posts
    7 October 2016 in reply to Paul12345

    Hello Paul

    Welcome to the forums and thankyou for posting too

    I really feel your pain and understand what you have been going through. I have had acute anxiety since 1983 and then depression from 1996....its an absolute mongrel of an illness Paul...I hear you.

    You are spot on with venting....one of the best coping mechanisms that many people dont practice.

    You are no idiot....if any shape or form Paul. (my name is Paul too..) Depression does hang around for a long long time as our brain chemistry is different...just my opinion but I feel its a physiological illness as well as psychological

    You wont like this but its only my humble opinion on this awful illness...

    'Depression is a Serious Illness', just like diabetes or heart disease...

    Expecting positive thinking to cure Depression is like expecting a person with diabetes to lower their blood sugar level by thinking happy thoughts'

    Paul, the meds arent a total fix at all. They do provide us with a platform on which we can use the various coping mechanisms more effectively......Including your excellent 'Venting' mechanism thats a huge help.

    I take a small dosage of an anti depressant every morning (for 20 years) and the bulk of my anxiety vaporised.

    I had weekly visits with a community mental health worker 20 years ago.....he was a psychiatric nurse and got me back to work....He was a legend....and free :-)

    You are an intelligent and well articulated person Paul...There are many super kind people on the forums that can be here for you. It would be great if you could post back about anything you wish

    My kindest thoughts for you

    Paul

  3. Moonstruck
    Moonstruck avatar
    3153 posts
    7 October 2016 in reply to Paul12345

    Oh Paul12345 . It takes more guts to actually stay and go through all the crappy times than to check out ...or so "they" say anyway. But what would they know? Do stick around and keep writing...I enjoyed reading what you had to say actually. I also understand your views on medication....but please would you give just "talking to someone" a try. You deserve to be having a much better time here, job or not, than you are.

    I am not very good at saying the right things to newcomers on here....I know nothing actually, but I can see your intelligence and dare I say "eccentricity" sparkling through there ...I always thought life had broken me too...but I am still here! Does that mean it hasn't broken me, just a few cracks and chips along the way?

    You know that famous saying of Nietchke's. sorry don't know how to spell him..

    "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger".......you see it quoted a lot...well, I don't believe that at all. That's not necessarily true at all...just because something doesn't kill you....you can be a scarred, weak and sad limping person, even though you scraped through the thing that "didn't kill you".......so perhaps I am one of the few people who don't go along with old Neistchke at all.....there did I spell him right that time?

    Isn't venting wonderful?. You can do a lot of it on here and I am sure you'll get much more useful support and words of wisdom from others wiser than I, but it's been nice talking to you. You may have guessed I am in a "funny" mood tonight. Re the medication.....to get some decent sleep, that's where they come in handy. You might like to consider that. Please keep talking to us, at least to me.

    .I am no idiot either..(but I break , just like a little girl)

    2 people found this helpful
  4. CMF
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    CMF avatar
    7750 posts
    7 October 2016 in reply to Paul12345

    Hi Paul,

    welcome, you've had 2 wonderful people reply already. I treasure them both and they have given you some great info. I'm with you on the pharma companies and also try to do things naturally.

    im so sorry you are feeling so low aNd I do feel for you so much experiencing what you are. I know when we are depressed we don't feel like doing much but during my really low periods I found exercise a great help. I put my little one in her pram and made myself walk everyday, I pushed myself. I walked to my local coffee shop and we sat outside alone, not wanting to talk to anyone. I did this everyday. I didn't want to sit inside, to see people or face people, I wasn't up for it. I didnt want to mix with anyone. One day it was a little cold so I was forced inside. Again I sat in a corner so I could keep to myself, as the weather turned cooler I had to sit inside more often. As I did this, everyday, I got to know the people who worked there who were really nice to me, beautiful people, and some locals who were also regulars, eventually I started to chat with the other locals.

    This was about 2 years ago. I still go to the same place everyday, I know all the regulars, in fact we've all gotten to know each other and we sit at the communal table and chat and although I wouldn't call them 'friends' we have things in common and they make me feel worth something. I am probably the most regular customer, I have really gotten to know all the staff and the owner and his family. We've discovered we all have our own shit going on and try and help each other at times, even if it's just a little chat.

    aside from pushing myself to walk and exercise, which I think is really important when battling depression, I felt my confidence grow and I stopped feeling so worthless. I still have my times of depression but I always remember what got me through. I'm not 100% but I don't always feel as useless and worthless as I did, well not all the time anyway.

    i hope this is of some help to you Paul. I'd love to hear back and wish you all the best.

    cmf

    1 person found this helpful
  5. CMF
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    CMF avatar
    7750 posts
    7 October 2016 in reply to CMF
    Forgot to mention.join us in the BB cafe in the social zone anytime. A few of us are there.
  6. S0S
    S0S avatar
    15 posts
    20 October 2016 in reply to Paul12345

    Hi Paul,

    I'm going to tell my story in the hope that someone can help me. Ive always been a really happy out going person until a few months ago. I started changing, I don't know why, I quit my job, I cut out my friends, I deactivated my social media, I stopped going to gym and doing other things I've always enjoyed doing, I distanced myself from my family, I lost myself. All I do all day everyday is sit in bed and cry. I am so sad all the time. I can't move, I can't switch my brain off, I don't even know what's wrong and why I'm acting like this. My life is fine. The pain that I am feeling is getting to much and I don't know what to do or how much longer I can handle it. Can anyone out there please tell me I'm not the only one who feels this way. I feel like I'm crazy and I'm ashamed that I feel like this when nothing is wrong with my life. Please help.

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Cornstarch
    Cornstarch avatar
    564 posts
    20 October 2016 in reply to Moonstruck

    I've never spoken to you Moonstruck but I love what you wrote, oddly it made me laugh, is that weird? I know I'm weird.

    "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger".......you see it quoted a lot...well, I don't believe that at all. That's not necessarily true at all...just because something doesn't kill you....you can be a scarred, weak and sad limping person, even though you scraped through the thing that "didn't kill you"

    I got into Mr Nietzsche around 19/20, says a lot, explains a lot, when coming to grips with "what didn't kill me".

    No-one questions survivors of war carrying wounds to their grave, hobbling, but forever noble. And yet survivors of domestic wars are supposed to be "stronger for it"!

  8. Moonstruck
    Moonstruck avatar
    3153 posts
    21 October 2016 in reply to Cornstarch

    Glad you liked it Cornstarch. Hey what has happened to Paul 12345, who started this thread. Have we all been too much for him? Are you feeling better Paul - we're really OK once you get to know us....I'd love to know you a bit better. You said you had a very high IQ. that has me interested for a start.....I also have a very high IQ. you'd never know it would you?.......I think we may a high price for being so intelligent.....I realised many years ago that the stupider you are, the happier you are....haven't you noticed that?

    Hoping you are handling life OK today Paul.....we do care and want you to know that.

    1 person found this helpful
  9. Cornstarch
    Cornstarch avatar
    564 posts
    21 October 2016 in reply to Paul12345

    Oh god Paul I was just ruminating about the people I know similar to you. They make me feel helpless. I put them in the "too smart for their own good" basket.

    You are not an idiot Paul, no way.

    Totally understand your 'depressed cynicism' mate, and questioning of the system that has diagnosed you and the cures that they offer. It certainly is far from perfect. I was chatting to a clinical psych once who expressed her absolute dismay at the culture of a regional city I was living in. She sighed and said, "half of XC^$@% has been diagnosed as Bipolar II, half of this city it feels like it". Then I had a second say the same thing. Not a good look is it. Doesn't put faith in the system when you are struggling and anxious about your inner state.

    It sounds like you have been battling it on your own for a long time. There are doctors out there that are willing to accept that the system is not perfect and they do not patronise their patients because they recognise that sometimes their patients are just as smart as they are! Ideally you need to find yourself one of these.

    The problem is though with so much sleep deprivation anyone would snowball. Sleep deprivation is a tool of torture used by many horrible governments and individuals around the world. It breaks everyone eventually.

    Have you ate least gone to a GP?

  10. Cornstarch
    Cornstarch avatar
    564 posts
    21 October 2016 in reply to Moonstruck

    I think we may a high price for being so intelligent.....I realised many years ago that the stupider you are, the happier you are....haven't you noticed that?

    That's funny.


  11. Cornstarch
    Cornstarch avatar
    564 posts
    21 October 2016 in reply to Paul12345

    Also Paul,

    As someone who has buried a parent who took his life, I'd hate to see you chose that path for yourself.

    It's hard in the information age when possibly we all have too much information. Not that I'm advocating blind faith, I hate that, after having religion shoved down my throat.

    But there are health professionals and doctors out there that are doing their best to "personalise" the health system, within the parameters that have been assigned to them both professionally and legally for the benefit of their patients.

    I truly hope you find one.

    xx

  12. swoody
    swoody avatar
    1 posts
    17 January 2018 in reply to Paul12345

    Hi Paul

    I hate medication too. However i got to the point that i cried out to God and my Dr and ended up on medication after realising i just wasnt improving and getting worse. I faught this for years. There are withdrawal symptoms but it got me through. Though i beleive in Jesus to help me i went down hill which had a lot to do with rejection and being hurt by people, lack of Love and being stressed and having to cope with a rebellious wife made things worse. Jesus did not give up on me though. I have to say i see God giving me the guidance but i was getting critical while being in a position where family were relying on me. There was no time anymore. I had to act. But God held my hand. Lack of sleep also brings on depression and anxiety wich led to less sleep in a nasty circle. The medication helped to maintain serotonin and melatonin which quieted my mind some. Numbed my emotions a little and allowed me to sleep and start recovering.

    Above all my faith in Jesus, seeing and experiencing his intervention and Love for me was instrumental in not giving up. He's real. He walks in when everyone else walks out. I just need to learn to trust him more. Give Jesus a chance.

  13. Pmac
    Pmac  avatar
    8 posts
    20 May 2018 in reply to Paul12345

    Hi Paul,

    I feel your pain my friend. I have been unemployed for a year now and have no future prospects. I will tell you my story in hope to make you feel better about your situation.

    i am 36 years old and a year ago I quit my high paying dream job out of pure stupidity. I was a daily pot smoker which is what impaired my judgement. Since that faithful (I've lost all faith) I have lost everything. My house, my car, most all the money I have, destroyed my career and have no future prospects as I am not very educated. In fact, the only thing I was quialfied for is what I was doing. I was an expect and highly respected, now that is all gone.

    i have not slept for more than 2 hours a night for the past 10 months. I had to move back in with my parents, I have no friends or girlfriend, I have major sexual dysfunction issues that cannot be fixed and I am still withdrawing from the drug use. My father is partially disabled and my mum just recently broke her hip and now I have to take care of both while going through the worst pain I can think any person can feel. I have been suicidal every moment of the day and night for 10 months. But now that's not even an option because I can't abandon my parents in the state I'm in. I hardly leave the house unless it is to go shopping or buy smokes and that is a most painful chore.

    i tell you this all so you can compare you can define your own circumstances to another, which may hopefully give you some perspective and elevate some of the pain you're in as there is another person in the same boat, maybe even worse.

    ive tried the psych meds and nothing works for me simply because they won't change the terrible life I have created.

    for what it is worth, I urge you to keep trying to get better and find some happiness. I do not believe there is any hope for me. But I do get the feeling that you can turn your situation around.

    good luck and good speed.

    1 person found this helpful

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