Looking for guidance, my mind is in a dark place atm. I'm a hard-worker who has spent over 10 years trying to make something of myself. I have 2 advance degrees in science but have struggled to get/maintain work in my field (mainly due to politics & unstable economy). I have a patchwork quilt of experience in any job that would have me despite my education and internships - all this work in my field and no pay off just deadend jobs and minimum wage.
I tried to run a small side-hustle, that too has been a failure - moreso that I hoped it would help me find new purpose, an interest, a way out of my mind slump. It has proven to have made me worse. I'm financially worse off for it and I have decided to close it down...I hate giving up. I worked hard got dirty trying to make this work and like everything I touch it turns to ash and I am left worse.
I dedicated my early 20s to my future career, I did not party or enjoy myself. I have no friends and my only social outlet is my family and my wonderful partner.
My mental health is so declined that I'm scared of myself daily now. My last job was retail and due to increasingly impossible standards and abuse I had to leave. I left with no job before me and failing business that cannot support me. I gave up so much, I thought I was doing the right thing to never be here. I saw my parents struggle my whole life and swore never to get that low. But everything I do fails and I no longer know what to do.
Now I'm forcing myself to return to study to become something I have no like or interest in but I have no choice...I worked so hard...I did everything right...I sacrificed so much and I have nothing to show for it.
Lately I have been in a dark place worse than ever - I need help to convince myself to keep battling despite having no goals...no dreams. How do I keep going forward if my whole working life has been a waste? I'm burnt out with no purpose and nothing to give to my family for their unwavering support. Just disappointment and failure. How do I tell myself to keep living when my life is nothing to me but pain?
Thank you for reading if you do.