I am a 33 yr old married mum of 3. I have suffered from depression since the age of 14. Possibly earlier. The reason I know I had it at 14 is because that is when I began to self-harm.

At the time I didn't know what depression was - why I just wanted to stop existing.

It wasn't until I reached about 20 that I discovered there was such a thing as depression and possibly I had it.

 I have worked very hard to try and 'fix' myself. Everything except take medication.

I have tried eating well, sleeping well, going to counselling, making myself get out there and amongst the people, joining teams, becoming involved in my childrens' school, I even enrolled and was accepted to uni (which I have nearly completed now).

 I am at the point where I am tired of fighting this disease which I have had for more than half of my life.

I have been fearful of anti-depressants because my older sister tried them and ended up committed for a time. I don't want to be locked up. I am scared I will go even more crazy - I don't know what will happen to my brain. I don't want to live in a fog, drugged to exist.

My father suffers/ed a mental illness, unsure what but I know he did take massive pills for it. My eldest sister I have spoken about. My brother is a heroine addict. My little sister has had over 10 suicide attempts (that I know about).

Simply, I come from a background of 'crazy'.

Lately it seems to be getting worse (does this happen if left untreated/unmanaged for so long?). About two years ago I experienced a wonderful 3mths - thought I was getting better - turns out it was a mild 'up' - since then I have swung more between up and down, it's like a roller coaster. I am in a severe down at the moment, waiting for the up to kick in before I give up on life completely.

I also feel more destinct 'personalities' forming. This is a little scary as I am not sure what is happening to me.

So, the time has come for me to give meds a go, as the alternative is that I depart this life.

I am in rural nsw and the medical services are shit. I don't know what my next step is - can anyone tell me where I can go, and I will endeavour to find the services I need.

I am also scared that if people find out how crazy I am they will take my kids away (even though I would never harm them or myself in front of them), and it may jeopordise the line of work I am trying to work towards.

I am also secretly fearful that after 6 yrs at uni, slogging my guts out, I will not be able to engage in full time work. I struggle to complete the responsibilities I already have.

dear Anon, whow there has been a lot going on in your family, and none of it is pleasant for you.

What you need to do is see your doctor who will refer you to a psychiatrist who will test on whether you have more distinct 'personalities' forming, and this is not to get the alarm bells ringing, it maybe something simple, and we hope so.

All of the atrocities that is going on in your family are obviously from the genes handed down, but this doesn't necessarily mean that you got them as well.

I was the only person out of five kids to get OCD, but my parents didn't have it, it was handed down by a grandparent.

Please take it easy and start on a low dose of medication.

You are a very active person, and that's terrific, and with medication you hopefully will start to enjoy doing them, and I don't think that I could do an uni course now. L Geoff. x