My mum (56yo) died suddenly 3 weeks ago. She was extremely depressed, and took her own life.
She’d had a breakdown and been diagnosed 2 years earlier, which quickly led to her first attempt on her life. Myself and my two brothers (ages 25-31) found her (after a long search) very close to dying. Other family were involved too.
Over the following year or so she spent a lot of time in psychiatric wards, had ECT, had numerous medication changes. We attended various mental health meetings with her and her team.
She began a pattern of recovering, return to her own home, stop taking her pills, becoming unwell again, and disappearing. We’d find out she was missing, go looking for her, and find her near death after another attempt at taking her life.
this happened 4-5 times
Finally she returned home after some more ECT and seemed to have improved. She was still very flat in mood, and couldn’t seem to get motivated for anything, even her old hobbies. But she returned to work part-time, which had been a very important step for her in her recovery, and we were all hopeful she was finally recovering for good. We tried to get her involved in social groups and hobbies, would take her out for dinners and nice events. She seemed to be on the mend.
Until 3 weeks ago. We had no warning, none of us noticed she was getting worse. A welfare check was done when she didn’t go to work.
She was found dead at home, having taken her own life. Without going into detail, it is certain that she planned this very carefully to ensure it would happen.
Obviously, her family is devastated. We loved her and we had all tried so hard to get her well.
In the the immediate aftermath, we were in shock. My family is very supportive and close, so we have all been there for each other as the grief set in, as her children (including me) planned her funeral, had her last viewing, and said goodbye.
As time goes on, I still find myself crying at unexpected times, especially at night. My partner has been VERY supportive but I feel guilty for my sudden tears.
Also, Im having panic attacks- over me and my partners life insurance, over my fear other loved ones might die, over if my mum suffered at the end, and even over where her spirit/ soul is now (I’m not religious).
my worst panic attacks are over her personal possessions i have inherited. I’m terrified of them getting damaged or lost, as they are all I have left of my mum.
ive booked a counsellor, but wanted to post here. Thankyou