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Forums / Grief and loss / How to cope with sudden death of my dad

Topic: How to cope with sudden death of my dad

9 posts, 0 answered
  1. alleb1
    alleb1 avatar
    4 posts
    2 July 2018

    Hey all,

    I lost my dad the other week from brain aneurysm. It was so sudden. I am finding it hard to cope with being so down. I can not stop thinking about dying and the thought of loosing my kids or anyone else close to me. This is the first death in my intermediate family in my life that i have had to deal with. I am also a mum of 4 and help my husband run a business. I am also the oldest of 5 siblings. My dad was my mum's fulltime carer as she has battled some different illnesses and cancer twice. I am being strong for everyone but really feel myself declining. I know i have to keep it together for my family as they need me. I just don't know what to do. I feel sick and so down i can not feel happy at all. I get it is still early stages but i do not know when i will ever feel better. Thanks for listening.

  2. Croix
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    Croix avatar
    10556 posts
    2 July 2018 in reply to alleb1

    Dear Alleb1~

    I'm sorry about your dad passing away. I've had people close to me have long illnesses or go quickly. It hurts just as much either way. I'm afraid there is no easy answer or quick way thought the grief. It tales a long time, hurts, is frightening and makes the whole world seem almost remote and even hopeless.

    I guess there are some things that make life a bit more tolerable. The first might be to understand what is happening to you, the common stages of grief. Someone experienced in that area, a counselor, might be useful.

    You talked of thinking of death and losing the kids and ones you love. That is exactly to be expected. I became very concerned a family member be distracted driving and have a fatal accident. Nothing happened, my thinking was distorted reacting to the situation.

    Another thing I found particularly good was burying myself in my work to keep my mind occupied. I don't know your circumstances but there is probably something that fits the bill.

    You talked of being strong for everyone, try to shed some of the load and not demand 100% of yourself at the moment. An example might be that rather than being the comforter to somebody else just cry with them, don't consciously try to help. Your presence will help anyway.

    You have a large family, your mum plus 5 siblings, also a husband and 4 kids. True they might need support, but they might need to support you and each other too.

    My preoccupation at the time they passed away with the death of someone I cared about was just concentrating on one thing - unavoidable at the time. It masked all the rest of the memories, good ones and all. I can look back now, sometimes sad, sometimes happy and see their life as a whole and my part in it.

    In time (yes that horrible phrase) you will get there too.

    Croix

    Forgot to say - I repeated myself endlessly to anyone who would listen, grief does that.

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Summer Rose
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    Summer Rose avatar
    1615 posts
    2 July 2018 in reply to alleb1

    Hi alleb1

    Welcome to the bb forum. Please know that you have arrived at a place of kindness and support.

    I am very sorry for the loss of your father. I have a very keen sense of the depth of your shock and pain and I know it's unbearable right now. Take one day at a time; just get through each day the best you can by living in the now.

    I lost my father to a sudden heart attack when I was 18. And while I don't know when you will feel better, I do know that eventually you will.

    I started a journal after he died. I wrote down funny things he used to say and do, the details of special events in our lives and the things I wanted to be sure my children would know about the grandfather they would never meet. It helped me to express my feelings at the time and 35 years on it is my most precious possession.

    I also used to talk to him a lot and I still do on occaision. Sometimes I see him in my son's smile and it brings me such joy. Some people might think I'm crazy but sometimes I feel his presence and that is so comforting.

    Your dad may have left but he is not gone. He's in your heart and he always will be.

    Kind thoughts to you x

    2 people found this helpful
  4. GemAndLogan
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    GemAndLogan avatar
    94 posts
    4 July 2018 in reply to alleb1

    Hi Alleb1,

    Welcome to the forum, I'm really sorry that you lost your dad. I lost my mum 4 years ago and it is so hard.

    You've been given some great advice here already : )

    I really just wanted to reiterate the importance of looking after yourself during this time

    You are a mum and the eldest of your siblings so will have people looking to you for support, however putting yourself first and making sure you get the support you need is so important too.

    When I lost my mum, I too had a lot going on in my life and a lot of people leaning on me. I have always been considered "the strong one" in my family so most people thought I would cope the best in this situation. I also didn't want my family to worry, so I pretended to be fine even when I wasn't.

    Because I didn't look after myself properly it eventually led to a steep decline in my mental health which ended with a serious break down.

    See a counselor if you need to, take an hour to yourself if you can even just to chill out a bit or go for a walk, let yourself cry and grieve. This feeling will get better with time.

    Post here anytime and take care

    Gem xo

    1 person found this helpful
  5. alleb1
    alleb1 avatar
    4 posts
    18 July 2018 in reply to Croix

    Thank you so much.

    I am very busy and live a very crazy hectic life with my kids and business also now help caring for mum and trying to be her support also.

    Everyone has told me it takes time and i understand that. Just the hole in my heart and gut is really making hard to see anything positive.

    I have made an appointment to talk to someone which was hard to do but have done it. I think this will help a lot.

    I appreciate your kind and helpful words.

  6. alleb1
    alleb1 avatar
    4 posts
    18 July 2018 in reply to Summer Rose

    Wow thank you so much summer rose.

    I appreciate you taking the time to reply and give me some hope.

    I think starting a journal will definitely be a great starting point.

    I find myself at the moment talking to him alot asking him why why this happened.

    18, would of been so very hard. I am sorry that happened to you also. My baby sister is feeling a lot too she is only 22 and still living at home.

    My heart breaks so much that my dad won't be able to see his grandchildren grow up. My heart aches for my mum and siblings.

    Thanks again much love to you x

  7. alleb1
    alleb1 avatar
    4 posts
    18 July 2018 in reply to GemAndLogan

    Hi Gem,

    Thank you for your reply.

    I am sorry to hear about your mum. It is just so hard there is just a big hole in my heart and a sick feeling in my gut constantly.

    Yes there is a lot going on not only with the passing of my dad but work/ family life also and i guess thats what prompted me to jump on here and talk to someone.

    Everyone always says i am the strong one and so on but i too feel myself declining.

    I have decided to see a psychologist ( took me a lot lol) and that is booked in for a few weeks. I definitely think that is going to help me get through this.

    :) X

  8. Summer Rose
    Valued Contributor
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    Summer Rose avatar
    1615 posts
    18 July 2018 in reply to alleb1

    Hi Alleb1

    Thank you for touching base and sharing more about how you are going.

    I think it's a great idea to talk things through with a psychologist and I really believe that it will help you get through this difficult time.

    I think the "why" of it all is the hardest to ponder. I know that question haunted me for a long time. If you have a belief system it might help you come up with a comforting answer. For me it was an acceptance that it was just my dad's time.

    I know your heart aches that your dad won't see his grandchildren grow up. It's gut wrenching but hopefully comforting to know that they will still know him.

    Your dad lives in the hearts and minds of you, your mum and your siblings. In time you will be able to talk about him with love, not pain.

    My children never met their grandfather but they grew up listening to his favorite poems and storytales, with his photo on the mantle and as many stories as I could remember.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers, along with your mum and the rest of your family. Hang in there lovely lady x

  9. Imawombat
    Imawombat avatar
    18 posts
    9 August 2018 in reply to alleb1

    Hi Alleb1 , I just read your post , my father passed away 22 years ago from the same thing , it was shocking so sudden , I'm the only child and he was the only parent so 'Im on my own now . All I can tell you is its a journey and will take time it does get easier over time you just have to go through the grieving process .

    I wish you all the best . Imawombat

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