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Forums / Grief and loss / Struggling with grief

Topic: Struggling with grief

8 posts, 0 answered
  1. RW85V
    RW85V avatar
    6 posts
    24 August 2017

    I lost my husband last year to cancer. We are both young ... in our 30s. In a way, I never thought that I would lose him because he was so incredibly strong. It was like I had spent the whole cancer battle/diagnosis in denial which I labelled as blind hope that if he just held on long enough there would be some new treatment that would control it. He died in my arms and my whole world changed. I feel like I've had all my limbs cut off.

    I thought I was coping okay but recently I've been noticing more and more that I am doing things that worry me. I am struggling to fall asleep at night. I hate eating and it seems like a pointless activity. In fact, I can't really find much enthusiasm for anything. It's not that I feel depressed all the time. More like I just feel numb, angry and irritable. I have been having large crying episodes every day that I hide from friends and family ... but I don't mind these, feeling the pain and the triggers of these episodes is better than feeling nothing at all. I am trying to get out and exercise regularly and to go to work but the level of fatigue I have is awful. Sometimes just having a simple conversation with someone is absolutely exhausting. I sometimes can't bring myself to respond to a conversation. I'm starting to really struggle with concentration at work and doing simple tasks is taking too long.

    I saw a psychologist after my husband passed and I don't know if it will be worth doing this again. I don't know if talking about any of this is going to help. Nothing is going to bring him back so maybe I just need to suck it up and ride this whole thing out? Being young it is hard to find support groups out there for people my age. I find it hard to talk about him with people because of how they react - people who know me well are grieving too ... people who don't know me well often don't know how to react and it's very uncomfortable between the apologies from them and the looking at me like I need sympathy.

    I don't know what brought me here, but now I'm here if anyone has any suggestions I'm all ears. Thanks for your time.

  2. Guest_161
    Guest_161 avatar
    38 posts
    26 August 2017 in reply to RW85V

    Hi RW85V

    i dont have any suggestions but just wanted to say i know what you are going through and what you are feeling, i am 30 and lost my 26 year old brother early this year to cancer also, the whole denial and blind hope is exactly what i suffered with in the end, my brother overcame his cancer twice in 3 years , overcame everything thrown at him but because he did i just never thought he would go if something got bad because he had came out the other end before but unfortunately this time he didnt and now I'm suffering with guilt that i should have taken it more seriously .

    The lack of enthusiasm is what i have too, i also have pulled back on family and friends because i cry too much, i cant go to certain places anymore because it triggers a memory off and holding conversations is also hard.

    Can i ask how long u were seeing your phycologist for ? iv just started seeing one but i too think whats the point it isn't bringing my brother back.

    Sorry i couldn't help but just wanted to let you know your not alone in feeling what you are x

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Neil_1
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    Neil_1 avatar
    4232 posts
    28 August 2017
    Hi there RW85V,

    Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you so much for coming here and providing your post. And though you don’t know me at all, I do offer to you my condolences on the very sad loss of your husband.

    Ps: before I go on, I’m terribly intrigued by your “name”.

    The grieving process is such a difficult one … and no one can say for how long or how hard it will be. It is such an individual thing and as such, it can really have massive impacts on so many of us.

    I’ve lost both my parents to cancer – it is a cruel mongrel disease.

    The road now is rough, as you feel the pain almost all the time, which is what I’m gathering you are experiencing. Hence the daily experiences of crying, but as you rightly say, it’s good to feel this and to mourn like this … than to not feel anything. It’s also good to be able to do that, so you can get it “out” and not keep it bottled up.

    I would never ever say to anyone to just suck it up and ride it out … this is your loss, this is you as a person for how you’re coping and dealing with it, and though you may feel that you aren’t coping, I can see that you are being incredibly strong. You are back at work and no doubt doing your best there, and this is also a good distraction. Though yes, it may be hellishly tough at times and you just don’t want to be there, it IS better if you’re able to keep being there. This is no small achievement, it’s HUGE.

    Also, awesome to hear of your getting out and exercising. Another massive thing and again, the more you can do that, I believe it to be one of the better mechanisms we have to help us with any kind of ptsd, depression, anxiety, etc we have.

    By coming here, I hope that you receive other responses along the way, and this site is just so special and you really can come here and write whatever you want. If you feel like you want to write more about your husband, please do so. If you feel like you would like to express more about how you’re feeling, again please do so. We are always here and will do our best to support you.

    Kind regards

    1 person found this helpful
  4. RW85V
    RW85V avatar
    6 posts
    4 September 2017 in reply to Guest_161

    Hey Guest_161

    I am sorry to hear about your brother passing. Cancer is one of those things that's like a big rollercoaster isn't it? So I understand what you mean about the beating it 3 times and you just assume that's always the way things are going to be with that person. I had this weird mixture of always hoping my husband would get through it, mixed with this background dread even when things were 'stable'. It's a real mofo of a disease. I know I can't say to you not to feel guilty about your actions or feelings towards the end of your brother's battle, but I think you were taking it seriously - you were like me, just had faith that the best outcome would always be that outcome. I think it's a coping strategy.

    I saw my psychologist for around 3 months and another counsellor for a few weeks but I felt like I had got to a point where they had given me all they could. They were great at their job but I felt like I had to try and get on with things by myself if you know what I mean? I had the similar sorts of thoughts around the fact that no amount of talking is going to bring him back, or make me feel better.

    I don't know if this will help you but I have just had to make myself do things. It's freaking exhausting and I have been sleeping a bit more to make up for it but I think overall it's helping. I am making myself have difficult conversations, be in difficult situations and be around those triggers that you are talking about. I don't really think there is such a thing as crying too much. I think the only reason I had stopped this week is because I'm all cried out. I try to avoid doing that in public or in front of people because I am not a big shower of emotion but I am starting to get to the point where I don't have the energy to care about that so much.

    I hope you're doing okay, sorry it's been a few days since I posted. Take care.

  5. RW85V
    RW85V avatar
    6 posts
    4 September 2017 in reply to Neil_1

    Hey Neil1,

    Sorry it's been a few days since I posted. I appreciate you taking the time to respond to me.

    Funny that you're intrigued by the name, I couldn't think of a username at the time so it's just a random bunch of letters and numbers that I put in with my caps lock on. I wish there was a more interesting explanation behind it.

    I am doing a little better this week and am just going to keep making myself do the routine life things to just keep plodding along. I am sure that this is a bad patch and eventually things will just get easier to cope with. It's nice to know that these forums are here as a resource for when I'm having the crappier days and I do appreciate that - it's good just to vent and get some stuff off my mind.

    I'm sorry that you lost your parents to cancer. It really is a POS. I can't wait for the day that we eradicate it - we are losing so many beautiful people xx

  6. Meowface
    Meowface avatar
    73 posts
    4 September 2017 in reply to RW85V
    I am so sorry to hear about your loss and think its so helpful to put our pain into words. Sometimes even journalling can help but it can be lonely too. It sounds like you are very independent and resilient but I don't think you need to suck anything up - what you have been through is very very hard so be gentle with yourself and don't be afraid to try different sources of help. I have friends who have never really clicked with a counsellor/pysc long term but they spoke to their GP and found medication helped to get through the raw pain of grief. Or even to make sure you are sleeping properly. Or of course sometimes people like to be self-directed and maybe there's books or alternative therapies you could try just to look after you. Glad to hear you're having a better few days and if you ever need to chat these forums are great. xx
    1 person found this helpful
  7. Guest_161
    Guest_161 avatar
    38 posts
    7 January 2018

    Hi sorry i just thought to write back in here as im having a shitty night and just need to get to all out rather then go over it in my head which ill prob still do anyway.

    Its coming up 1 year anniversary to my brothers death, the last month have been hard with xmas, new years his bday and now the anniversary, the thoughts of his final week have came back a lot more lately , it breaks my heart so much that it happened to him he was the most kind hearted thoughtful loving person it wasn't fair, i remember the times he getting told he had cancer to being told he wouldnt make it another year i remember him crying and i get soo upset.

    I never knew or never asked for some reason weather he was told he was dying and how he reacted to it but tonight because its almost 1 year i was talking about it with my mum saying this day last year he started getting confused ect and that was his liver levels going up, i said was he told he was dieing and my mum said oh yes before they told me ( which i never really got told) i said how did he react and my mum said well he got upset started crying, this destroys me knowing this now i feel so sad at the thought of what he must have thought and then i get angry that my parents had a go at me the morning on the day he passed( i slept there the night before) resulting in me just walking out and my brother passing while i was gone .

    I really cant get over this and i miss him so much

  8. Guest_161
    Guest_161 avatar
    38 posts
    7 January 2018
    Sorry that post was meant for 1 of my own threads

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