Thank you for the kind words Blue; for not telling me the generic "you will be missed" but for telling me that I add value. I don't get told that very often, even from those people I let close to me, so again, thank you. I think pretty highly of that slob on the internet :)

I have always had trouble with the concept of one finding oneself. It seemed very...nebulous. How would one do this? Where is the end point? As if finding oneself was like a standardized formula that anyone could follow, resulting in being found. But, I know now. And when I'm not depressed it is liberating. To learn the answers to my questions, not for anyone else but myself, and that is enough.

Yea, I almost chickened out. That vice grip on my viscera happened again. He asked to see all my scars, and I just told him everything about my past. The words came out like stammers and stutters and there was minimal eye contact but, someone should know that the cracks are showing.

With regard to my knees, I came up with either a crane system or hydraulic lift. And, if I go up high enough, maybe abseil down.

Yea, this sort of brings us round full circle (see what I did there?) to the beginning of this convo, where we spoke about how depression just exists around what we do, it can either impact or not.

I'm getting caught up with none of anything that surrounds me shows any part of me. I've mentioned before, like I don't really have substance, just a ghost or a shadow of myself. I live essentially in my parents' storage room, one wall is lined with boxes, another, a closet of theirs. Everything that I could use to express myself in anyway is stored somewhere, too much to pull out and put back in. I actually only have a closet, the other one is full of parents' things (the room is big and there are 3 closets in total). I got rid of the friends here who didn't treat me well (all), so I'm pretty isolated. So the two people who know I exist, don't really know me much at all. In fact, most of the time my mum calls me by my brother's name, and my dad calls me by my mum's name. The little things that make me, me, ceased. I don't feel comfortable in my environment to open myself up and share. The change I exhibit is the very thing those same two try to fight against, so there's always conflict also. Everything just looks bleak and bland and dated. And I'm like dry sandstone, slowly crumbling away.

The bird got a smile out of me too. I hope you're asleep.

You're welcome. I don't do generic platitudes, they make me angry. But I understand that most people don't really know how to give much of anything else. They're not good at really seeing anything outside of themselves, and less so at expressing it, and though they want it themselves they tend not to understand that others need regular reminders of what we mean to them.

Finding oneself is kind of nebulous. There is no end point. It's a constant process of learning and changing and growing, of questioning absolutely everything you believe and think and do, and when you think you're done, re-examining those same things because they don't remain static. I've always done this, and though the depression caught me eventually, I think my self knowledge did a lot toward holding it off for so long, and it's what's steering me (so, so slowly) back out.

Sounds like you had a pretty productive session with the psychiatrist. I'm glad of that.

I find myself picturing Mr Burns on the little lift scooting upstairs.

We do seem to have come full circle, don't we? That said I don't think depression is entirely independent of what we do, but it does have a way of skewing our perception on the positives, so we have our work cut out for us, sometimes.

I can see why staying with your parents is getting you down. Is there no possibility of getting your own accommodation away from them? If not, see what you can do with the immediate surroundings. Do you have a bedside table? Or even how high is the pile of boxes? I'd chuck a cheap blanket or curtain or something over them, and sit some momentoes on top. A photo, a nice candle holder, things like that. You said you enjoy art and photography; maybe display something you've created. As much stuff like that as you can, really, to make the space yours. Even a temporary environment needs your stamp on it, to give you strength. I'd recommend a necklace, too, that has some symbolism for you (of course, I have a few with birds on), as a portable anchor when you're struggling. Even if it's under your clothes where no-one else can see, having a tangible things that is definitively yours can help, and your parents can hardly give you a hard time about what they don't know about. Just a thought.

Birds always make me smile, especially my two. They're such amazing little things, so full of personality. I'm in awe of how their bodies work even though they're so tiny.

PS I'm actually still in bed (with a bird). :)

I don't think a lot of people listen or register what they say. Amounting to endless platitudes and the same level of ignorance. Personally, I try to think it through, give my words meaning that is tailored to the recipient. That's what I provide to the people I let in. Otherwise, I don't really say much.

I realise that now. I have always questioned my actions and changed based on what I come up with, but I've never connected it to finding myself. Just growing.

I kind of did, yea. I could see his face though, what he wasn't saying, but showing, was how grave my situation got. The seriousness got upgraded a bit.

should just get a hover board like back to the future though, balancing on gravity is hard enough for me.

Circles are good. We now know more than we did at first, of each other, we can add more to the discussion. Not really independent but always present.

I do have a necklace, it's the one in my picture. It's my talisman. The boxes are ceiling high. And I could try asserting more of myself on my space but...maybe slowly. I just don't have the energy.

Birds fascinate me also, from an anatomical perspective. And I love to watch the in flight. Calms my brain. Reminds me of the time I flew a plane.

Relaxation at last ey? Nice :)

Proper awareness of either self or others is sadly uncommon. Personally I try to be aware of both, and the interplay between my own actions and their potential impact on others. I am guilty of giving the odd platitude (or an uncoated harsh truth) to annoying people I just want to make go away, but generally I take care with my words. Sadly, that sort of thing is often lost on people, but I disdain empty catch phrases bandied about in the absence of thought.

It may not be a great feeling to see that change of expression, but there's something to be said for someone, paid professional or otherwise, taking your situation seriously. It's a good thing, and that you are able to be so frank with your psychiatrist is a solid step in the right direction.

I so want a hoverboard.

You're right, the depression is always present.​ I beat the **** out of it every chance I get, of course, but it's not going down without a fight.

I did wonder if the necklace in your picture had any significance. I'm glad it does. As for the other stuff, obviously do what you can handle, but if you're able to put up one of your pictures or something I do think it would help. I framed some of my photographs for the first time shortly after my ex moved out, and it really did a lot to change the feel of the place. I see one of them every time I walk in the front door.

You flew a plane? That's brilliant. Can't say I've ever done that. Watching birds fly has a different significance for me. I just enjoy seeing them do what makes them happy. It seems less majestic when you have a bird occasionally misjudge his landing and barrel straight into your face, merrily clawing his way up, to sit on your head (the elder of my two is usually pretty graceful, but now and then has an attack of the clumsies).​

Aye, I relaxed briefly. Then I got up and spent hours on a bunch of the jobs that have been piling up whilst I've been all funny in the head. They're back to manageable levels, now, and it's good for morale to get some things done. Also I got to chill and play video games for a while, after. Overall, today has been productive and good. I could do with more like it.

What kind of games do you play? I was very tempted to buy Fallout 4 this morning, but I realized that I have no time right now for it. Or, that I would prioritize playing it over studies...I'm currently up late finishing an assignment, and I'm counting down the hours until I have to wake up again. I'm in the middle of the Witcher 3 but, haven't played it in a while, so maybe cancelling fallout was a good idea.

Yes, I flew a plane and been parasailing. It was beautiful, that feeling of gliding. Adrift on the wind. Nothing on quite compares on terra firma. Something about heights and depths just captivates me. Waling the midline on ground, with gravity, well, I'm about as graceful as a bird barreling into someone's face. Generally, my face and the floor really.

The necklace, this may sound idiotic, but I bought it on the best day of the year last year. I was alone on the beach in the homeland (if you don't already know, Sri Lanka), away from family and I didn't have to be anywhere that morning, just what I wanted. Plus, two of my closest friends were getting married that evening, so just really happy for them. I thought to myself, if after all the crap I've been through, I can still feel good, for me and for others, then maybe I'm not doing so badly. I felt strong, and it sort of makes me think I'm a warrior/survivor.

Honestly, I don't have much wall space actually. I kind of just look at my pics on my blog. Which someone commented on, with praise. I was so shocked because n one has ever left a comment before. I honestly thought no one reads it. So that was a pleasant surprise.

I sometimes wonder what would happen if, in my head, I just personified my depression and then just befriended it. So instead of working against me, I could make it a companion, with me but not against me. I haven't figured out the details yet. You know, I leave it in peace, it leaves me in peace? I'm tired, rambling is a side effect.

I would use a hoverboard the same as a skateboard, on my behind and paddling the air somehow...What a sight.

Yea, I like that he asked me to think about my depression, come up with answers for myself, treated me like an equal, and cared enough to just listen without speaking. I trust him more now.

If I don't know what to say, I just tell people I don't know, they don't like it very much though.

I'm glad you got rest and accomplished a few things. Keep fighting that good fight.

I suppose you have the right idea of picturing your depression as a companion, since you're kinda stuck with it. Personally I see mine as this kind of... frenemy, I guess. Have you watched Deep Space Nine? I see it as kind of like Gul Dukat. This complex thing mired and fully believing in its own delusions, trying to convince everyone else they're true. It has his voice, but a more etherial shape. It's a thing I would stab and pummel and attack in every conceivable way, though it dissipates as steam or smoke, and eventually reconstitutes itself for another go. That's my personification.

Gods, I have the best imagery of you on that hoverboard. It's great.

I like the sound of this psychiatrist you're seeing. He obviously knows what he's doing. Kind of wish I could see one myself, but the money's just not there. I expect if the money were there I'd have one less debilitating problem adding to my depression and probably less need for psychiatric help in any case. Go figure.

Today has been a social sort of day (pleasantly so), and now I'm home again. Early start tomorrow, and everything in me is rallying against the idea of going to bed early. I want to do my own thing for a while, and enjoy my own company, but if I do, I lose out on sleep. It's always one or the other, and I'm so tired of that. The fight continues.

I have not seen Deep Space Nine, but that sounds exactly right. And I fully understand about the smoke and the dissipation. My companion would indeed be made of just that. More substantial or denser than smoke but with smoke like properties. Orbiting around me like a planet but without the predictability. Usually on my periphery, sometimes behind me and out of sight, and sometimes so blatantly obvious because it's right in front of me blocking my view.

Haha, how fast am I going, paddling the air?

I actually can't afford a psychiatrist, but I can afford less not to be on meds. And the way the rules are here, only a psych can prescribe them to me. Before Saturday, it wasn't something I wanted to invest in because he served a purpose and I didn't think about the other side, his other purpose. I think the whole mental health industry is more expensive here actually, doing the conversion, though I guess there would be a range in Aus as well.

Hmm...I would suggest sleep. You haven't been getting much at all lately. I say this out of care of course, and just as a suggestion.

Ah, the posts. Have you been saying controversial stuff recently on other threads? I got so paranoid a few weeks ago that I was being watched by BeyondBlue. Actually in other things as well, but everything I wrote took ages to show up and the convo would go on without me. I shall keep a look out.

Yeah, it does a lot of ducking and weaving, then jumps out right in your face. Thinks it's funny, perchance. I do like the idea of this personification. I may do some work on it, find some appropriate art since I'm not so talented with it myself (or at least have a spot of learning to do).

Your paddling isn't going so well. You're a bit upside-down. :P

I understand your position. I can't really afford not to see one either, but it's literally that or enough food, so we have a clear winner. My financial situation is a significant portion of my stress, as I'm paying a mortgage on my own with barely enough work to cover it. But it is what it is.

Your advice re sleep is sound and wise. I of course chose to play a game, instead. I'll probably regret that tomorrow, but for now my spirits are somewhat improved.

I haven't been particularly controversial today (perhaps I should try harder), so no particular reason for it I can think of. Posts just get caught up sometimes, I think; from chat in the Café I gather it happens to everyone quite often. And if I'm being watched, I'm unconcerned. It's a public forum, that's to be expected.

To bed, now, though I want to play some more. I do have one of my little puffballs nestled up against my face, sleeping peacefully though, and that's reason enough to rest. He gets quite indignant if I move and disturb him.

Definitely thinks it's funny; like when a sibling places their hand in front of your face but says that you can't do anything to him/her because they aren't touching you. You try to do something anyway, and suddenly you're in trouble. You've latched on to something, nice.

Hah, sounds like the time I went horse riding. The saddle was loose and I ended up riding on the side of the horse. Am I clinging to the overboard? Or does it have it's own form of gravity. A seatbelt perhaps?

I understand the stress. I'm sorry that you're going through it.

I wouldn't say either decision you should regret, you did something for yourself either way.

Hope you got your rest.

I need to vent, I hope you don't mind...

Let's put aside the fact that after this big internal struggle, I tell my parents that I have depression, and they selectively choose to forget it so that anytime anything about it is brought up (eg. psych visits), they are at first confused then surprised each time. So bringing it up, or any symptoms, like insomnia is like explaining a definition of a word to someone by using that same word; redundant and futile.

I also told them that I have had trouble concentrating on my studies, and since this new job, have logistically, less time to actually study anyway, and that I am behind on the work (considering my exam is next week and I'm still trying to finish the last topic). This is supposed to be something tangible for them. I have explained to them time and again that when you are trying to study, or are even succeeding, that the smallest disruption might mean that you can lose concentration, and please try not to. They say okay, but what they are really saying is a big f you I'll do what I want. Because all I get it is constant interruption. I actually got so angry last night I couldn't concentrate on anything. Just went to sleep so I could wake up at 3 am to study because at least I know they aren't awake...

Mum and dad come home from doing their groceries, and mum comes into the room just to say hi, sees me studying and tells me she'll leave me lone. I literally had just started studying, she didn't know, okay. Not 10 minutes later she walks in and stands right up close to me until I pay her attention so she can ask me my opinion on the design of a card she's making, which she knows I have never shown any interest or opinion on, and all I could says was "are you serious right now" in utter disbelief. And all she can say is "it's okay, a small break is okay, can't help this, I have to ask, can't help." She effing chose to come in!!! Gah! and worst of all? I had asked her why she just doesn't ask dad, and she did, but didn't like his opinion because it didn't agree with hers.

Such disrespect. They just assume I will do well and there's no effort involved. Like it's just a given, like this depression isn't making me suffocate and have such conflict because I want to do well and I also want to give up.I honeslty don't how much more of this I can take..

I understand your frustration very well. Though I haven't had the same troubles with studying (I lived alone when I was doing that), I know what it's like to meet that sort of slack-jawed ignorance over something that seems so elementary. In my case it was things like the cleaning, with the ex undoing it and constantly adding to it, or like making noise all night when I had to be up early (after losing his **** at me for the very same thing, though at least I'd tried to be quiet).

Can you lock your door? Or jam a chair against it? Might give your mum the idea you don't want her in there when you're studying. Seems the respectful approach isn't working.

My night really didn't go according to plan. Slept for all of a few minutes, got up feeling sick. Had to call a locum and get the day off work in the end, so I did get my rest belatedly.

just....trying...to...say....hello.........cant keep door....open.....

Love you guys

Paulxx

Switching your day around sounds like a good plan. Hope it succeeds in reducing your stress. Oh, and don't worry, I'm feeling mostly better already. It's an infection, and antibiotics are mercifully quick acting.

Hey, Paul, glad you dropped in. Loving the new profile pic, by the way.

Today is day one.

Captain's log; Earth day 26 May in the year 2016...

All is quiet around me. The air is cold, very cold...which is strange because, I'm in the desert. Is this place inhabited? Will my noise stir some aggressive or, passive aggressive natives? One must try.

I'm glad you are feeling better.

Paul, did you own a motorcycle?

Joelle

Hey Blue,

I'm sorry I've been silent. I'm also sorry to hear you're getting sick. Or, you are actually sick. Sounds like a stabilized mood. Or you're able to feel miserable in the "normal people" way.

My plan only goes well if I take my meds at the right time. And I'm still crashing physically and emotionally every three days so...I've had two productive days out of 4. 50% isn't bad considering I was 0% not too long ago. But, it is crunch time now, so, I better remember. I can't get over how long a day feels when you're up at 2, even if it ends at 6.30, because by lunch time it feels you should be going home. It's also getting to be that, that one hour overlap is too much for me as well. And the weekends are unbearable. I have cabin fever, and all I want to do is drink it away. And have pudding. I've had a lot of pudding.

I hope you feel better soon. How long have you been on antibiotics for? You may need to change them if you don't notice an improvement for a while but, antibiotics are a bit of a dangerous thing. Only a bit though.

I am sorry I have been silent. Just trying to keep it together. My parents have the Friday and Saturday after my exam fully planned and I don't want to spend such a concentrated time with them. It is worse than the thought of that exam.

No need to apologise. Haven't exactly been active on the threads lately, myself. Just wondered how you were doing.

I've gone from getting sick to proper sick. Very long shift today, and I was getting worse and worse as the day went on. Really shouldn't have been there. If sick leave covered penalty rates I wouldn't have been, but I kinda want to eat next week. As for those casual hours I can't particularly afford to lose tomorrow, I think they're not going to be happening. Can't work with fresh food in this condition (my manager was happily calling me the Boogie Monster, today, and it was quite apt). I've coughed up stupid amounts of money this week on pharmaceuticals.

I've been on the antibiotics since Tuesday. Symptoms are somewhat better, but still not gone. And I'll need a sick certificate if I can't work tomorrow, in any case. Universe is insisting I get my **** to the doctor. I suppose the systematic failure of my body is the inevitable result of the failures in my mind, and I should probably cough up once more for the decent doctor not the useless bulk billed one, and address this damned depression on a medical level. Can't afford to, of course. Can't afford not to. Go figure.

I suppose my mood is closer to "normal people" miserable than it was, but probably only because I'm too damn tired for the emotions to be in higher gear. It's a brief reprieve, I'm sure, not that I don't value it.

Yeah, 50% success is definitely better than none, even if it still doesn't feel great. Set a reminder for your meds, if you don't already. Unless you're like me and defer reminders because they pop up at inconvenient moments, and manage to forget things anyway. I still set them, but... 50% success rate.

I know what you mean about how long the day feels when you get up that early. My first alarm goes off at 3:30am (I usually manage to respond to it by 4), and if I haven't managed to sneak in a nap (which is often, thanks to the noise maker across the road) the day really drags on. I understand the cabin fever, as well. In the periods where I prioritise getting enough rest, the schedule I'm on means no life and no time out and about, and it gets old damn fast. Then I go looking for company, and can only have it if I trade it for sleep. No balance at all.

We can take sick days from work, maybe you can take a sick day from family...? Cough, cough. ;)

Well, I am one of not many words. I have learned many interesting things today. That you, Blue, like Garak as a character makes sense to me. And I love it when people say positive quotes annoy them, because they are just so annoying.

I was interested in the different ways we view depression, is it a companion or something else? I've been wondering if it is just the base code of the universe, like some kind of entropy, but that seems to entail it being something that is necessary and I am not ready for that idea to be true yet.

I am glad you've learned some interesting things (and dropped in to tell me). I find learning more satisfying than just about anything. I'm also delighted that you know where my quote came from. Garak is great. He's so cynical and full of surprises. Can't say I'd want someone so morally ambiguous around me, but in a character it's quite enjoyable to watch.

As for the positive quotes, I dislike them because for the most part they ring hollow and false to me. The places you see them, on Friendface or calendars or little books filled with pictures of puppies, they're just for show. I doubt the people who put them out there take them to heart or live by them or even give them much thought after that brief moment of "aw", or "look how inspiring I am, posting this". And let's face it, I'm not exactly a positive thinker. Reality has a gritty, dirty, ugly side, and the whole positive thinking movement seems to just gloss over that instead of properly addressing it. That's what makes me so mad.

Interesting idea, depression being the base code of the universe. In and of itself, I wouldn't say that's true, but in terms of it being a form of adversity, it probably is. In all things, there is adversity. From the life and death of each organism, to the intricacies of our personal stories, our favourite fictional tales, everything. We don't learn or grow or change without challenge, and for some of us, that challenge (or one of them) is depression. Necessary in terms of being a thing to defeat, to learn from, to challenge and change us. Not necessary as a way of life or a thing that has to conquer us. Frankly, bollocks to that, I have no intention of being conquered. I have better things to do.

Sorry to hear that. That song has a spot of significance to me, in a not entirely positive context. Anyway, no rush on putting in your two cents here. Focus on finding a better headspace for now. I'll still be floating around when you're ready to talk.

Not having the best night, tonight. Worrying about the expense of all the pharmaceuticals I've had to buy this week, mostly. In my current situation, I can barely cover the basics, never mind any little surprises like this. It's not unusual for work to drop off at this time of year, but where I had a healthy safety net for that sort of thing not so long ago, I no longer do. Splitting with the ex was financially crippling for me. I had thousands put aside for (hardy har) an overseas holiday and to absorb any rough patches. By the end of settlement on the house... $6.50 of that remained.

About four years worth of trying to plan that holiday, and each one of those years massive financial disasters. Car crash, about $2K. Bathroom pluming was completely ****ed, $8K to fix it (not that much of which was the bit of extra work done to remodel it a bit). Hot water system discovered its true calling was to be a fountain, $4K between getting a new one and paying off the massive water/power bills that came from it. I joked at the time that the next disaster would hit me for $20K. Well, about double that is what I got. No more savings, and some extra debt to play with. **** having a holiday, **** paying your bills, **** eating out occasionally, basically **** living life in general.

Considering the appalling situations I've been in before re money, and how damn hard I worked to turn that around, to eliminate my debt and save for the betterment of my life, and actual enjoyment now and then, here I am once more feeling almost guilty for buying ****ing medicine. I tried so hard to get on top of things, and at every turn I got knocked down. And here I am, back on the starting blocks. Why the **** do I bother?