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Forums / Long term support over the journey / Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

Topic: Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

  1. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    26 June 2016 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Hi Blue, and my apologies in advance for this response which may come across a little garbled. I was feeling really tired and took my medication with the intention of heading off to bed straight away, so now I am all over the place. But I didnt want to go to bed without first acknowledging your post, especially since it sounds like you are feeling pretty low and frustrated.

    I see its been a bad day for you all round. How unfortunate about your manager at work leaving soon. And your naughty little bird must have decided that he wanted you home with him for the day and thus muted your mobile alarm. (-: How sweet! But what a shame it mresulted in you having to work late and thus miss a chance to spend some quality time with your OH. I'm sorry its been such a crappy day for you .......

    Tomorrow has to be better .......... will you get another chance tomorrow to spend time with the OH? I do hope so, as it seems to be one of the few things that brightens your day. Does he work regular hours, or does he have odd shifts like you, this making it difficult to get together sometimes?

    Also, do you rent or do you own the house you're in now? Just wondering with regards to your neighbour issue. If you rent, is moving elsewhere an option? Because this seems to be a long standing dispute and not one that is likely to be solved any time soon. As well as being a source of great frustration for you. But bear in mind that no matter where you are, or who you are, there is bound to be something with which to disagree with a neighbour about. Does your OH live with you? If you dont mind me asking. (-: I get the impression he doesnt. If not, is there the likelihood of moving in together at some point?

    Sorry, I really must go. Sorry Blue. I just hope tomorrow is a better day for you. Hugs and Good night.

    Sherie xx

  2. Blue's Clues
    Blue's Clues avatar
    2299 posts
    26 June 2016 in reply to Missing user

    Thank you for taking the time to reply, even though you're feeling so tired and muddled. I appreciate it a lot.

    It really has been a crap day. My little bird loves playing with my phone, and does not love it when I leave for work. More snuggle time is good for both of us. Just a pity the timing was such a disaster for me today.

    Not likely to see much of my other half tomorrow. Our shifts overlap, so I'll see him briefly at work. Sometimes I find that even harder than not seeing him at all because I can't just hold him and block out the rest of the world. I don't expect any proper time together until mid-week.

    I own my home, Sherie. It was a massive struggle with the bank to keep it when I split with the ex. Between that and his settlement the whole business financially crippled me. Selling wasn't an option - the sheer amount of time and effort to do so would be hard enough, but odds are against getting what we paid, then giving him his settlement, plus me on single, pitiful income... I would still have been crippled but without a house of my own and the added stress of moving. So no, moving is not an option now. There is no money for it. Hardly money even for lunch, half the time. I fought so damn hard to have my home, pushed myself through things I couldn't bear, and I have some selfish piece of crap driving me out of that home, making it unbearable to be here.

    No, I don't live with my other half. To be honest, there's a lot of recovering still to do from living with the last one. I'm not at all ready to live with anyone yet, and nor is he. I just want more opportunities to see him, and some peace in my own home when I'm alone. Doesn't seem like much to ask, and I'm not one to ask for anything I won't work for, but life is giving me a great big "**** you".

    I doubt tomorrow will be a huge improvement, but it can't be much worse. Got my phone password protected at least, so if my bird can get past that he deserves to make all the mischief he likes. Good night Sherie. Thank you for making the effort to write to me, tonight.

    Blue.

  3. Blue's Clues
    Blue's Clues avatar
    2299 posts
    27 June 2016 in reply to Blue's Clues
    I stand corrected. As bad days go, yesterday was just peachy compared to today.
  4. Lost Girl
    Lost Girl  avatar
    2696 posts
    27 June 2016 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Hey Blue's,

    It's the 28th now marking a brand new day. I hope with all my heart that today is less horrid than yesterday.

    Thinking of you,

    Carol

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Blue's Clues
    Blue's Clues avatar
    2299 posts
    27 June 2016 in reply to Lost Girl
    Thank you. I needed to see that, this morning.
  6. blondguy
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    blondguy avatar
    11398 posts
    27 June 2016 in reply to Blue's Clues
    Hey Bluguru, Just sending you a ((BearHug)) to help you through the day :-) Thankyou for your help with my sister too. Paulx
    1 person found this helpful
  7. Blue's Clues
    Blue's Clues avatar
    2299 posts
    28 June 2016 in reply to blondguy

    Thanks Paul, it's appreciated. And I'm happy to help. I hope you find some answers and some peace in regards to your sister.

    Blue.​

  8. Lost Girl
    Lost Girl  avatar
    2696 posts
    28 June 2016 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Hey there,

    I hope your day has been better. It started with toilet humour so a great start right? Haha.

    I was sorry to read about the work issues. It's never nice when you have to work with people you don't get along with.

    I know you have a problem with your neighbour but am not sure of what it is. If you're up to it, let me know what's going on.

    Thinking of you,

    Carol

  9. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    28 June 2016 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Hi Blue. Sorry to see that you had a second shitty day yesterday. Not good at all.

    I havent read exactly why yesterday was such a bad day, did you post about it elsewhere? If so, then I havent seen it. I am making the assumption that it was to do with work in particular.

    Because we spend so much of our time at work, if we are not happy then it becomes such a major frustration for us. I know you need the money that your work brings in each week, so obviously giving up work is not an option. Is there any other similar jobs that you may be able to apply for alternative work? I am thinking you work in one of the major supermarket chains, given what you have told me that you do. Perhaps there are other options out there? Or maybe even a complete change of direction - have you ever given consideration to turning your hand to something entirely different? Retraining for new skills.

    Another alternative is to have an all-in-brawl with these people at work who are making your life decidedly unpleasant at the moment. Or get Sir Peckalot or Mr Fiesty to go and poop on their heads! (-:

    Sherie x

  10. Blue's Clues
    Blue's Clues avatar
    2299 posts
    28 June 2016 in reply to Missing user

    Thank you Sherie and Carol for thinking of me, and for checking in. Today has been better in terms of external circumstances, though I'm running on very little sleep. I haven't written anywhere about the details of yesterday. At the moment I haven't the energy to answer any specific questions - I'll have to come back to it when I'm in a better headspace. Just want you to know I appreciate the support.

    Work was okay today and I saw my sister after. Good things, but I'm still so messed up inside. In the last 2-3 months I've had far more bad days than good, it's worn on me to the point where I don't really have it in me to enjoy much of the good stuff, or not for long when I do. I've fought so hard to change my circumstances, at least enough to take the pressure off, within the limited capacity I have right now (said capacity not including something as major as chasing a new job). Everything has repeatedly, consistently failed miserably. I fixed one huge problem (ending the last relationship/getting the house in my name), which took everything I had left in me and more, just for everything else to collapse on the other side and I am breaking under the weight. Every day it gets harder to find existence worth the effort.

    I have conceded defeat and asked my doctor for anti-depressants. I am at the point where my depression keeps grabbing the wheel and steering me off the road and that cannot continue.

    Blue.

  11. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    28 June 2016 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Thats okay Blue. I understand. At least it sounds as though today was not quite as, terrible-horrible-no good- very bad, as the previous couple of days.

    But you could use a couple of decent nights sleep by the looks of things. And I hope you get that tonight.

    Have you started the ADs today? I hope the transition to medication is a smooth one for you, and that it works well. For most it does, but sometimes its a matter of trial and error to get the right one. Were you on ADs before at all? And if so, are you back on the same ones?

    No pressure to respond, just get back to us when you feel up to it. But in the meantime, know that we are all thinking of you.

    Love from Sherie xx

  12. Lost Girl
    Lost Girl  avatar
    2696 posts
    28 June 2016 in reply to Missing user

    Hey Blue's,

    Good on you for recognising you need the extra support of the ADs. Like Sherie, I hope the transition is smooth. We are all here for you.

    I hope your sleep starts to improve soon. It can make a world of difference.

    Carol xx

  13. Blue's Clues
    Blue's Clues avatar
    2299 posts
    28 June 2016 in reply to Lost Girl

    Yeah Sherie I started the little pills today. I've used them before, probably not for quite long enough (stubborn git that I am). They were decently effective, though I did get some nasty stomach cramps on and off. Small price for a bit of relief from my own head, at this point. Hoping to get enough respite from the increasing and worsening little breakdowns I keep having to make some headway with doing something about all the crap that's wrong with my life.

    Carol, I have a pretty comprehensive knowledge of how much difference sleep can make. Sadly, even that's had pretty limited impact recently. Almost nothing lifts me for long, and there's a point at which I have to admit I ain't getting better on my own.

    My shifts suck: manager's been saying he'll try and make a permanent change for weeks but every time I ask it isn't done yet, and he's leaving very soon. That neighbour situation is a noisy idiot interfering with my sleep when I can get some​ (which the cops can help with if they ever turn up during the disturbance - so far they have not). Added to that I have completely failed to find a psychologist I can afford (rebate doesn't do much good when you have to pay the full fee up front with money you don't have to get the rebate later). So yeah, my mood has been sliding further and further down with every day these things go unresolved, in spite of my considerable efforts to do something about each situation whilst constantly fighting myself to do what needs doing. Fine. Bring on the damn pills.

    Sorry for the rant.

    Blue.

  14. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    28 June 2016 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Hi blue. Okay, thats good about the ADs. Hopefully you settle into the routine and benefits quickly and effectively. Accepting that you need a little assistance to get through a really tough patch takes strength, so well done on that score. It sounds as though you have been through a lot over the past 12 months, and these things do take a toll.

    With any luck your current manager will give you a farewell gift of the promised permanent change to your shifts.

    Regarding finding a psychologist. Are you on a MHCP? I am but I still have to pay for my psych sessions up front on the day of consultation. She charges $160 up front, but I pay it on my credit card and they process the medicare rebate of $124.50 back into my account on the same day. So I actually get the rebate in my account before I have to pay the credit card bill. (-: But yes, there is still a gap to pay, so I understand that its a financial impost. And a tough one when things are already financially difficult. My psych is good though, as I have been having double (2hr) sessions and she has only been charging me a single medicare fee. So although I have to pay a fee of $35.50 each time I see her, I cant really complain. Anyway dont give up looking for a psych, as I do believe there are some out there who dont charge above the rebated amount. Are you in the City? I am in a country/regional area, so its more difficult out here than it is in the city.

    No problems for the rant, and yes ....... bring on those damned little pills. May they make a difference for you.

    Sherie xx

    1 person found this helpful
  15. Lost Girl
    Lost Girl  avatar
    2696 posts
    29 June 2016 in reply to Missing user

    Hi Blue's,

    I saw my psych through the managed health care plan. Mine works in the medical centre that I go to. It was completely covered by medicare with no payment required. Perhaps you can ring around to try and find one who will do this. Perhaps look for medical centres with a psych.

    Holistic well being centres seem to also cover payments. Like Minds is an example of one.

    Noisy neighbours are the worst. I used to live in a town house and the girl next door was broken hearted and used to sing sad Olivia Newton John songs in the wee hours of the morning....argh!

    My psych recommended Palouse Mindfulness, if you search on the internet you will find the site. It has a free program to work through along with meditation exercises. Perhaps you may find some value in it.

    Kind thoughts,

    Carol

    1 person found this helpful
  16. Blue's Clues
    Blue's Clues avatar
    2299 posts
    29 June 2016 in reply to Lost Girl

    Today has been a better day. It started off less than brilliant, but with some help from the little pills I didn't go from okay to bats*** crazy in an instant when things went wrong. I still feel less than fantastic in the wake of the last few days, and the medication is making me a bit queasy, but the mood is within manageable levels. I call that a win.

    But now for the real win: at a later point in the day, once I'd pretty much resigned myself to it all being screwed, my manager came to me with my new roster. It's not a huge change, but now one day a week my 5am start has been shifted to a 2pm. What was a three day stretch of no sleep now has a chance to sleep built into the middle. A small step, but one I think will make a big difference. I am hugely relieved.

    Sherie, yeah, the last year has been rough, and the six or so before it weren't exactly peachy either. Compared to the rest of my life, that is, which hasn't exactly been sunshine and lollipops either.​ I'm pleasantly surprised that you get the rebate so quickly. For me though, my finances are a very delicate balancing act, which includes a lot of juggling with the credit card. Sometimes there may be enough for that sort of fee (briefly), but it's not guaranteed, and if something goes wrong with the rebate, I'm in a very bad position. I have a lot of clawing to do to get my finances back in functioning order after everything with the ex. That man was expensive.

    Carol, you've got some handy tips there. I'll look into them a bit more closely when I'm less stupidly busy. It's been flat out for me for days. Not going to calm down for a while yet. I know I have to call around. Have tried my luck with e-mail as I'm bad with calls, especially when stressed. So far they've all said cough up large sums now, rebate later.

    But back to the positive. I got my roster change. About (*expletive deleted*) time.

    Blue.

  17. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    29 June 2016 in reply to Blue's Clues

    So there has been a couple of positive developments for you today.

    One, is that the medication has helped you to get through another tough day. And two, that you finally have your long awaited roster improvement. As you say, it is only a small step, but hopefully one that will allow you get back on top of things again. I'm really pleased for you. (-:

    Yes I understand what you are saying about the finances. But if medicare rebates are the same for everyone else as they have been for me, they have been credited to my account on the day of the consultation. My psych's office processes the rebate for me at the same time I pay them. So that should be useful for you to know for future reference. And I have also found that even when processing Medicare claims on-line myself through MyGov that claims are paid within a day or two at the most. So the system does seem to work pretty efficiently.

    Sounds like you are a bit like me, I also much prefer email, rather than telephone.

    Anyway, for now ........... concentrate on the positives from the day. You've had a win with the roster change, finally. (-: When does the new roster take affect from?

    Sherie xx

    1 person found this helpful
  18. Blue's Clues
    Blue's Clues avatar
    2299 posts
    30 June 2016 in reply to Missing user

    Hi Sherie, just a quick one today, I'm still very tired. The roster takes effect straight away. Interestingly, it was the new temporary manager that made sure it got pushed through. I don't think she likes rosters being in flux. Whatever her reasons, I got the benefit, and I'm not complaining.

    Got to spend some time with my other half, finally. He had his concerns about me taking medication, but has been very supportive of my decision and in general. I am very lucky to have him.

    Since Saturday, I have been flat out between work and social things. One more work day then I get my week-end off, and I'm very much looking forward to the rest. I am feeling somewhat better in general but very, very exhausted.

    Blue.

    1 person found this helpful
  19. Lost Girl
    Lost Girl  avatar
    2696 posts
    30 June 2016 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Hi Blue,

    So happy for you for the positives. Yay!!

    I am also a fan of email or text. My hubby thinks I am weird because of this. My son's guitar teacher actually said it was weird and the first time lessons had been organised all via email without speaking. Ha! We had some building done for a pergola and the builder looked at me like I was crazy when I suggested email...he said nah, I will just call you or pop round.... argh. I try and use chat, email or text as much as I can for work too. So much easier.

    Hope things continue to improve bit by bit Blue, you deserve some wins.

    Cheers,

    Carol

    1 person found this helpful
  20. Blue's Clues
    Blue's Clues avatar
    2299 posts
    30 June 2016 in reply to Lost Girl

    Thanks Carol, your enthusiasm made me smile. As for "weird" habits... I'm not a fan of "normal", so let 'em say what they will. There are a few of us who prefer text-based options.

    I'm hoping yesterday's little victory will be a turning point. I don't expect things to be fixed in an instant, but if I can build on what I've got with a few more little improvements, I know they'll add up eventually. Just hope I can hang onto whatever I achieve for a while this time. I have much better support, so maybe I can get a little further than before.

    Bluguru (I like Paul's nickname for me, too).

    2 people found this helpful
  21. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    1 July 2016 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Hi Blue.

    Glad you finally found some time to get together with your partner. I guess I can understand his concern at learning that you were going onto medication. After all I was very anti-meds before as well, but in the end I gave in to them also. They definitely have their place, and I am learning to accept that now. I suppose your OH could think that the meds may change you somehow, make you into a different person. He obviously loves who you are now. And I'm sure he will love the improved version of you once you get everything back on track in your own mind. Certainly it sounds as though he is being very understanding and supportive, so that must be very encouraging for you.

    So now you have the weekend off? What do you plan to do, other than have a damned good rest? Maybe some sleep in's on these cold mornings? Has your OH got the weekend off also? If so, perhaps even breakfast in bed as a special treat? Although I've never been a fan of that really - I hate crumbs in the bed! (-:

    Oh well, I'm sure Mr Feisty and Sir Pecksalot will enjoy having you home with them. Hope they shower you with love and gentle pecks. And hold off on the pooping on heads or beds!

    I also hope that you can build on this small victory with your work shift. Hopefully its just the first in a string of further victories. And with the support of meds while you need it, and your supportive OH, things are definitely looking up. Noisy neighbour? Nah, that can wait.

    Enjoy your break over the weekend. Hugs and kind thoughts to you.

    Sherie xx

    1 person found this helpful
  22. Blue's Clues
    Blue's Clues avatar
    2299 posts
    1 July 2016 in reply to Missing user

    I've always understood that medication has its place, but I also consider it a last resort. For a while I thought I could pull through without it, then my stresses multiplied again. I can only do so much, when my fight is internal as well as external.

    As you say, my other half was concerned it wouldn't just be my negative emotions muted through the use of medication. I did discuss my decision to take it with him, before I went to the doctor about it, though, and he didn't hesitate to give me his support. He knows I've tried everything else, and don't see it as a cure-all. Ultimately, he wants me to get past the crap I'm going through as much as I do.

    Yes, we both have the week-end off. The birds will get to enjoy his company as well. Dunno about having it in bed, but he often makes pancakes for breakfast when he stays over. He's great in the kitchen. :)

    It's been another long day and I'm still pretty tired, but looking forward to the week-end. Hope you're doing better. Is hubby's infection healing up okay?

    Blue.

    1 person found this helpful
  23. blondguy
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    blondguy avatar
    11398 posts
    1 July 2016 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Hey Bluguru

    I just got back on line....and read your last post..by accident of course:-) I agree with you that meds are a last resort...no worries there. I was a hero and refused meds from 1983 to 1995.....whoops!

    I was being a 'hero' and did more damage by not taking them. (at the time GAD)..I am convinced now that not taking the meds can leave 'scarring' where brain chemistry is concerned. Depending on the anxiety/depression levels of course.

    Thankyou for asking about my dad...It means a lot to me xx

  24. Lost Girl
    Lost Girl  avatar
    2696 posts
    1 July 2016 in reply to blondguy

    Hi Blue,

    I liken the meds to a cast. The cast doesn't heal the break, it just stabilises it so the body can heal. The meds stabilise the emotions so you can work on healing techniques.

    Thinking of you,

    Carol

  25. blondguy
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    blondguy avatar
    11398 posts
    1 July 2016 in reply to Lost Girl

    Love your Logic Carol

    Good1x

  26. Blue's Clues
    Blue's Clues avatar
    2299 posts
    2 July 2016 in reply to blondguy

    I understand the hero complex, Paul. I have relied very heavily on my own strength and still think I have more of it than most, but even I can only hold up for so long under the constant barrage of crap. Even now I'm on it and it's of some help I still don't want the medication, though I probably did do myself more harm than good waiting as long as I did to use it.

    On a side note, hope your dad is recovering okay from everything.

    I agree with you Carol, that it's like a cast. My hesitation was more about assessing the nature of the injury than the method of treatment. Casts aren't much use for a fracture, but they are if something's broken, if you take my meaning. It was a fracture, then pressure kept being put on it and things started to break. Anyway, I'm always working to fix whatever needs fixing, and not liking the method changes nothing. I do what I must with the tools at my disposal.

    Have been even more tired than usual the last couple of days, which concerns me a bit. Think the medication may be at play, in that. We'll see if I still feel so knackered after my week-end off. Hopefully not.

    Blue.

  27. Lost Girl
    Lost Girl  avatar
    2696 posts
    2 July 2016 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Hi Blue,

    Hope you're feeling less tired.

    Thinking of you,

    Carol

    1 person found this helpful
  28. Blue's Clues
    Blue's Clues avatar
    2299 posts
    3 July 2016 in reply to Lost Girl
    A lot less tied today, thankfully. Slept in a bit and, though I'm sure some may tell me off for it, dropped back to half a tablet with my meds last night. Doctor didn't caution me against it when I said I did it last time. Not queasy any more either and my mood is stable. Think I can accept this balance.
    1 person found this helpful
  29. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    3 July 2016 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Pleased to hear that you're feeling less tired and no longer queasy Blue. Hopefully you're all rested up for the start of a new week with a new roster. Is tomorrow one of your early starts?

    Regarding the meds, I think if it works for you, then go with it. But monitor yourself closely to make sure that, over time, you are not losing the effectiveness of them by halving the dose.

    Good on you. Hope you have a nice evening tonight.

    Sherie xx

    1 person found this helpful
  30. Blue's Clues
    Blue's Clues avatar
    2299 posts
    3 July 2016 in reply to Missing user

    Don't worry, I'll be keeping a close watch on my moods to be sure I'm getting it right with the meds. I don't intend to let things backslide. I do want to keep it to the minimum I need to get where I'm going, though. As long as my mind isn't working against the actions I need to take, that's enough. The roster change is an important help too, which should make medication less necessary. In terms of sleep, I'm back to about how things were when I got the house sorted and considered the troubles ahead manageable to work my way out of.

    Happily, no work tomorrow. More time with my other half, which makes me pretty happy. Early start after that, though. But not three in a row, so I can live with that.

    Hope you're doing okay, and getting a bit more rest. How long until your brother comes to visit?

    Blue.

    1 person found this helpful

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