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Forums / Long term support over the journey / Chronic suicidality

Topic: Chronic suicidality

  1. I don't even know
    I don't even know avatar
    176 posts
    31 August 2019

    Hi everyone,

    I have had chronically suicidal for over two years. It has led to a few attempts and hospitalisations. I'm currently receiving treatment/therapy but it's a long process. Its kind of getting tough because unfortunately you can't just pause life. I'm under a lot of stress from school (zillions of grade 12 assessments), my anxiety has skyrocketed and I'm trying to continue functioning as a normal human being despite being very depressed. Does anyone have any tips on how to keep going in those times between treatment and living a relatively normal life or just with dealing with chronic suicidality in general?

    Thanks heaps

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Croix
    Community Champion
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    Croix avatar
    10354 posts
    1 September 2019 in reply to I don't even know

    Dear I don't even know~

    Welcome back, I've read your story in:

    Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / G'day from a sad teen
    Forums / Young people / Moving Out
    Forums / Multicultural experiences / Slight trauma from childhood racism?
    Forums / Treatments, health professionals and therapies / Inpatient Care

    as well as the sensible advice you have given to such people as Ash_13, Ghostboy, ottom & Cerise547.

    These all tell of a person with enormous resilience that has managed to continue on despite constant suicidal matters, hospitalization, racial prejudice, a family that is sometimes not helpful and great pressure from missing schoolwork, something you used to take pride in.

    Some people might regard all as being defeats, when in fact they are quite the opposite.You, although wearied and worried about the future, are intelligently looking at ways to foster the healing process , plus assisting others along the way. You have my admiration.

    I believe you mentioned having a job as well as school, and that you had lost so much class time you are struggling. Repeating has a penalty, as it wold be 2 years rather than one.

    Well my suicidality came in part from pressure, and the stress that results. I found between medication, therapy, hospitalization plus removal of the stressors thngs improved.

    May I ask how necessary that job is. I realise you no longer have a scholarship, but could you continue your studies anyway? Also is repeating two years -or getting special outside tuition - a possibility?

    Repeating two years does have one advantage. I suspect you would find it a lot less taxing as you would be familiar with some of the curriculum anyway.

    When you mentioned your family as a stressor you did not come right out and say they gave you a hard time, is there anyone you can talk to who is 100% on your side, even if they do not understand exactly what is inside your head? I found this to be a great relief, a huge weight shared.

    Please come back and tell me what you think

    Croix


    2 people found this helpful
  3. I don't even know
    I don't even know avatar
    176 posts
    1 September 2019 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    Thank you for your kind words.

    I have decided to continue with school as I am so close to the end. I am pretty lucky as my school has been helpful in understanding my circumstances and letting me do as little as possible in order to graduate. Despite this, it is still extremely tough, its difficult to get to school most days. Right now is the most stressful time but once its over I should hopefully be okay handling the rest of the year.

    I've stopped working as the job position I currently hold is too stressful to return to. I don't know if I'd be alive and coping if I still had to work. I hate relying on others and not working, I'd like to get a new job soon but I'm too mentally unstable. I want to work to get money to move out, travel, attend uni and be more independent.

    I can't think of anyone I feel comfortable opening up to at the moment other than my case manager but I can only contact her twice a week max. I did have a boyfriend for a bit that I felt really comfortable with but that ended on not so good terms so I don't want to talk to him anymore. I guess there are people that are on my side but I just can't connect very well. My anxiety stops me most of the time :(

    Thanks for your help :)

  4. Croix
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    10354 posts
    1 September 2019 in reply to I don't even know

    Dear I don't even know~

    You came back wiht some rather good news, not perfect but pretty good anyway. I think giving up the job was a wise move, and if it means you have to rely upon others for a while, OK. Is that a hassle ? You know, resentment you are not pulling your weight or similar? Most people have a built-in like of helping if they can, particularly parents of course.

    Sometimes years later the opportunity to pay back arises unexpectedly.I found that with my wife, who looked after me when i was invalided out of my occupation. Many years later I looked after her.

    I'm glad your school is so accommodating, would extra tuition help at this stage?

    Its a pity your BF did not work out, having someone there does help -as I've found. Still a case-manager can be something, depends on the type you get I guess. Do you find her a help?

    Last time we spoke I was on about reducing stress and anxiety, and I suppose I still am, after all it was a big factor in my improvement. Do you think there is more you can do to ease matters. Maybe setting aside fixed hours each day to de-stress by exercise, entertainment or wahtever you think best to take your mind away from school and the plans you want for the future?

    While I think of it htere is a very long thread which I've browsed through more than once and found some good ideas (like the app "Smiling Mind" and all sorts of other things.)

    Forums / Anxiety / SELF HELP TIPS FOR MANAGING ANXIETY

    Talking of going to school do you mind if I ask what is the hardest thing about getting up and going?

    Croix

  5. I don't even know
    I don't even know avatar
    176 posts
    3 September 2019 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    I'm glad I don't have to work at the moment but the guilt is hard to handle, especially when those who don't know what's going on assume you're lazy or something along those lines.

    My case manager is really good and I get along really well with her, I call or meet with her pretty much everyday she's working, I must be her most annoying client. There is a school counsellor I can see as well but I have to go to school to see her and I can't hang around for too long.

    Easing stress was the biggest focus for me in my initial recovery after multiple suicide attempts. For so long I dealt with how I was feeling with distraction, as I felt worse I seemed to put more on my plate until I crashed. While I was in hospital and in another treatment facility I was able to pretty much completely ease all stress. I received treatment and therapy and stuff but I didn't improve much. I couldn't pause my life forever so they slowly eased me back into things and sent me home even though I was not better. Now I'm kinda just stuck in school until I graduate because I can't have any more time off. I can't think of how to ease my stress that much more. I try to keep active and take time for self care and relaxation but I feel like there's only so long I can hold on for. I'll look into that thread for some more different ideas.

    At this stage I'm not sure extra tuition would help that much. I'm able to consult teachers if I need extra help which I usually do for maths but for the other subjects its more a matter of getting the motivation and brain power together to do the work. I find school really difficult for me as: it starts pretty early (earlier than most schools) so my body is just too weak sometimes to physically get out of bed, social anxiety loves to hang around with me at school, its a triggering environment for some reason, it doesn't feel like a "safe place", I have to pretend to be okay (which is exhausting), and the stress from school work, other people and everything really can get very overwhelming. My school is accommodating, but lately the stress coming from other people in the school environment has been one of the hardest parts.

    Thanks,

    idek

  6. Croix
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    3 September 2019 in reply to I don't even know

    Dear Idek

    I like your avatar, a semi-colon is just a pause, with more to follow. No bad at all

    School seems to have a lot of downsides, including the people there. I found being in a study group helpful, it gave me ideas, it was not a social situation so much as a task-oriented one, and I got and gave help.

    Any hope there?

    You mentioned 'too weak to get out of bed' Do you mind my asking in what sense, straight physical ailment or feeling hopless or .... ?

    My time in hospital has been similar in some ways to yours. It has given me an environment where I was not subject to daily pressure. In fact looking down from a 5th floor window at tiny people scurrying around in their daily lives far below gave me the sense isolation and removal I needed.

    It did carry over on discharge if I was sensible and did not go straight back to the old situation.

    Did I mention the free phone app Smiling Mind? I've found it excellent, even the 2 minute intro exercise lets me change mental track, a bit of practice I'm afraid but well worth it. Plus you can switch off the horrible background music. My mind 'has a mind of its own' as it were, and this breaks up chains of thought.

    You are getting there

    Croix

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  7. I don't even know
    I don't even know avatar
    176 posts
    4 September 2019 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    Thank you, I was even thinking of getting a semicolon tattoo when I turn 18.

    A study group sounds good but all my friends are either genius kids or do completely different subjects. I feel like I'd have nothing to give and be that annoying person they have to drag along.

    When I say I'm too weak to get out of bed its usually I feel too exhausted to pick myself out of bed and get ready. Other times I'm really anxious for the day ahead and seek my bed as a barrier to the world or sometimes I'm really sad and can't see any point or hope in getting out of bed.

    I felt pretty similar at hospital looking out my window, its quite calming. There weren't too many people I could see but there was a beautiful view of the mountainside which was really nice to look at, especially during sunrise and sunset.

    I've tried a few apps like Smiling Mind but I find I ruminate too easily and its still a bit too hard to try and get control of my mind. The apps I've used for my mental health that have helped are Calm and Beyond Now. I was made to use Beyond Now for safety planning and Calm is good for when I'm very anxious or want to self harm. I really like the breathing part of the app as I tend to hyperventilate easily.

    Thanks,

    idek

  8. Croix
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    4 September 2019 in reply to I don't even know

    Dear Idek~

    I can sympathize over getting out of bed, both the hopelessness and the fact it is a barrier. Also simple tiredness after not sleeping. I guess the way I've tried to deal with that is by small steps, like gettng up and just brushing my teeth, a victory of sorts, then things don't seem quite so bad, I could go back to bed but normally it is enough to get me going, no matter how I feel.

    I've used Calm, and do use Beyond Now, though I had to have someone help me fill it it, I was terrible at finding things that would give me a lift, needed someone else that knew me. Now I have books and YouTube clips and all-sorts on it.

    Did you need help wiht Beyond Now or were you more able to find good thngs to put in?

    I can understand the breathing part of Calm is good, I use Smiling Mind becuse I've the concentration of a butterfly and hop all over the place at times, the voice in Smiling Mind keeps me on track.

    Can't say I'm sure about a study group, maybe it is a question of not looking at what your friends do but talking with the teacher/lecturer/tutor about what would be best. It might be people you'd never have thought of.

    You were taking about no "safe place" at school. I gave up trying to find a physical location, never near enough, or could not get there for some reason or other, so I had help but developed a mental "safe place". It comes from a scene I had as a kid and involves the sea and short grass, wind and rain. I find a quiet place and think of it in great detail, as it was based on a place I really enjoyed it does help.

    So what's the plan now, just keep on trying for school?

    While I think of it I expect you have been told this umpteen times but thoght I'd mention it just in case. The Kids Help Line (1800 55 1800) is good for pretty much anything, they are realistic and understand problems, so to does the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467)

    Both have web-chat if you do not feel like talking over the phone. My apologies if I'm just saying what you already know.

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  9. I don't even know
    I don't even know avatar
    176 posts
    6 September 2019 in reply to Croix

    Hello Croix,

    Your point about just getting up and doing something small is good, I realised that works recently as well as I knew I would have to get up for something important so I'd tell myself that I can go back and have a lie down if I get ready early enough, but even if I did achieve this I wouldn't really feel the need to.

    I created by Beyond Now plan with a social worker so its pretty good I think. They kind of had to fill in some of it for me that they thought would help because I literally had nothing to put in some of the sections like the reasons to live.

    I've never really thought of a mental safe place. Nowhere I ever remember being or can go to would be a happy place so making up one might work. I'll try it out, thanks.

    I might look into the study group for next term or maybe uni if I get to it. School has been unbelievably crazy and stressful this week. I had loads of exams and pressure to make decisions for the future which was very anxiety provoking. On top of that a lot of things happened to close friends and some family and for many of them I'm one of their or only "go to" person so that was very difficult to balance with my own mental health and school seemed impossible, but its Friday and I'm alive. Its taken a unwelcome toll on my physical health too, yay. Hopefully it was just a dip in the road to graduation and the rest won't be quite as intense. I'm just going to keep swimming.

    I've previously contacted kids helpline and they've been great. I just feel guilty now when I call them as so many other people would benefit from it more than me, I've had years of therapy, I should know how to deal.

    Thanks,

    Hannah

  10. Croix
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    7 September 2019 in reply to I don't even know

    Dear Hanna~

    I noticed you have decided to say your real first name. To me it sounds like we have enough in common to hold conversations that mean something to both of us and are getting more real to each other - I'm afraid you are stuck with Croix -as am I :)

    This really is a two way thing, just becuse I have a badge actually means very little. I have my hassles the same as most people here (PTSD/depression/anxiety/suicidal thoughts plus related physical problems too, so get a very great deal from talking with people such as your self

    You might be surprised to know just how much encouragement. You have great difficulties to face -which you do. We have suicidal thoughts in common, though as I said I'm miles better now and am no longer frightened of what I might do. The fact you are dealing with these things helps me to deal with them too.If Hanna can then I can. (I'd imagine a large number of readers of these posts will take something away too

    The reasons to live might not be huge "important" things. One of mine is the name of a comedian, another the fact Sumo cat is normally "busy" by my left elbow on his special furry blanket as I write ("busy" is cat talk for having a snooze.)

    Sure there are some "important" things like my partner, though when the chips are down it is surprising how the little things can make a big difference.

    Even writing down thngs that give you a lift can be difficult when your mood is bleak. I use comedy a lot, and have DVD names and YouTube clips to watch. I tend to hold them in reserve for when I need them and try not to give in to the temptation to watch them other times

    You might think these all pretty trivial, OK maybe, but they do make a difference to me when i need it.

    You ringing the Kids Help Line is the reason it exists, they believe it is as important to talk with someone repeatedly as with someone who rings once.

    You are wrong in thinking you should know how to deal wiht things, this implies you should be able to do that alone - not true. You do cope, and one of the things ways is giving them a ring if you feel the need -this is in fact good intelligent coping and very legitimate.

    They are already set up for repeated contact. I'd give anything to have rung a line like that early on, it might have made so much difference. I might have kept my job and not been in hospital instead.

    I'm out of space, wanted to talk about a safe place, being the go-to person and of other things too.]

    Next time if that's OK

    Croix

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  11. I don't even know
    I don't even know avatar
    176 posts
    7 September 2019 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    I wasn't intending to put my name in but I automatically typed it in, when I realised I thought why not, and posted my reply :) I'm fine with Croix, I just had to google the pronunciation as every time I read it I said it in my head as "krr - oi - cs" it didn't sound quite right!

    I'm really glad you're benefiting from this thing as well. I'll think of you too, "If Croix can keep going, I can too". I guess talking in these forums is a bit different to talking to a therapist as you're both discussing your experiences and feelings and can feed off each-other's coping mechanisms and ideas. I forget that others read this too, I hope it helps them. I find its helpful in a similar way too, I like browsing through the 'young people' section. Sometimes I'll contribute some of my own advice as I relate to a lot of them or think back to a time where I was where they are now.

    I wrote something in the 'things that are keeping you here' thread. Like you've said little things have a lot of significance sometimes. I've started writing down things I'm grateful for as often as possible and even though I don't see them as reasons to live, they're great at convincing me that my life is okay. I'll try and add some of that stuff into my Beyond Now safety plan. Hopefully it will make a difference. I think I can't really make them 'reasons to live' in my head as deep down I believe everyone would be better off without me. I give a 5 cent coin more value than my life. I have a lot of hate for myself. I've kind of stop fighting the thoughts as they've gotten too strong and debilitating, instead I just leave them alone/ignore them and try to keep going.

    Kids Helpline have helped me a lot, I'd have to credit them with keeping me alive a few times in my past. Sometimes I make the decision not to call them because I really don't know how they would be able to help me. I'll think twice next time before putting the phone down to KHL.

    I look forward to your next post,

    Hannah

  12. Croix
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    7 September 2019 in reply to I don't even know

    Dear Hannah

    My name is pronounced KWAH, takes a bit of getting used to for some. I'm glad you realized but then left your name in place anyway. There is no rule against using first names, just so long as you cannot be identified. I'm hopeful you are getting comfortable here.

    Hannah is a good name, reminded me of Hannah Cockroft who dealt with what life handed her in an amazing way. I'm sure there would have been times she would have felt it was all too much

    "I've kind of stop fighting the thoughts as they've gotten too strong and
    debilitating, instead I just leave them alone/ignore them and try to
    keep going"

    I think you are exactly right, there never is a logical reason, it is emotion, and even the trivial can make that tiny difference that makes one decide to keep going.

    It is a tiny difference too. When I was invalided out, told I'd never work again and was suicidal with money worries, a family to look after plus all sorts of things I kept going time after time becuse of a small change in my ability to cope. I still had all those practical hassles, but was able to think kinder and realize most of the things could change - "could" being enough.

    Hard to realize how far down depression/anxiety takes one, how it skews the thinking in such a convincing manner. Even now I still need my partner to lend me perspective at times when I'm thinking the worst without justification.

    I would imagine the reason people do come to you with their problems is your experience and maturity - you do not hand out inappropriate comments and just say "all will be well", you understand priorities and being realistic -it comes out clearly in your writing.

    I'm going to finish today with a question you do not have to answer (obviously) but if not too upsetting I'd be grateful if would try, takes time.

    However before that I'd like to ask you about a mental safe place that would remind you of a bigger different world, away from normal life, away from mental hassles

    Please cast you mind around to see what might do that in a pleasant way, anything from paddling a canoe up a still river to cycling along track with grass and wombats beside the beach. You get to choose, and if it does not work then change/modify it. Could be a scene from a book or movie or you -I dunno.

    Now the question, why do you think you are not worth 5¢? What has life done to make you feel that way. A lot of little things? A big thing?

    Pressure, hopelessness, guilt, bad scenes (literally) did it for me.

    Croix

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  13. I don't even know
    I don't even know avatar
    176 posts
    9 September 2019 in reply to Croix

    Dear Croix,

    I find my experiences help a lot in relating and understanding other people. I try to be as empathetic/sympathetic as possible but I'm always terrified that I'm making their situation a lot worse.

    I think I'm not worth a 5 cent coin because I believe I'm one the worst people to ever walk this planet. No one really agrees with me but I know deep down its true. I hate myself, I hate the way I look, act, think etc. I think I make everyone and everything worse and that everyone would be much better off without me, or with a 5 cent coin instead. I don't know why I'm like this, I've never been bullied or gone through trauma other than emotional neglect. I have a pretty much perfect life. Its probably a bunch of little things that have made me come to this realisation. Sorry its so grim but yeah, it is how it is in this situation.

    Because of that, I personally don't see any kind of future or hope and no 'could be betters' in life. I'm just trudging along looking for the next opportunity to end my life.

    On a lighter note, I miraculously completed my first full week back at school since February. I've started to exercise more again too, the affects aren't immediate but I'm getting there. My therapy is finally kind of getting stable and underway too. Hopefully these little good changes will keep happening. My last school holidays are also coming up soon so that'll hopefully provide a bit of rest.

    Thanks,

    idek

  14. Croix
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    9 September 2019 in reply to I don't even know

    Dear Idek~

    (Idek is good, I don't care if Hannah is your real name or one you chose, it is the you inside I'm taking with)

    I asked you why you felt so worthless and you came back using words I've used myself. Evey one better off without me, a waste of space, a failure and bad influence. No abilities. Basically no hope. Fear of doing harm

    The causes why one gets this way are a side issue, being there is a result, in my case, of depression and anxiety conditions. It is impossible to sort out genuine thoughts you have had yourself from those placed in your mind by depression. They are so realistically planted you 'know' they are your thoughts and must be true.

    To give you just one example I was convinced my family - and work - plus friends would all be better off starting again with someone better than me. If I killed myself I would be freeing them to have better lives.

    This was utter nonsense and highly dangerous as I really wanted the best for my family . When I told my partner later she was deeply horrified, I could not have been more wrong.

    I have not been alone in having these exact thoughts. I have spoken to many right here in the Forum who have said exactly the same thing. It has been the same as me, depression narrowing down one's focus to a few horrible and seemingly unsolvable items, and not letting the rest of the world in.

    Depression does respond to all sorts of things, from meds to therapy to lifestyle and exercise, to love. Sometimes quickly, sometimes terribly slowly, but it is an illness and needs to be seen as such (hard to do when you have it).

    It can take something very small to help one cope, one time a joke did it for me, I realized I still had a sense of humor, and I'd not thought that possible.

    Some things are a little better for you ATM, some victories, a week at school, exercise again, therapy not so hopeless. All good.

    I guess I'm hoping you hang in there and do find just a little hope

    Croix

  15. I don't even know
    I don't even know avatar
    176 posts
    12 September 2019 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    It's comforting knowing others have felt the same way, makes me feel less crazy and alone. I see no hope at the moment. Even when people tell me that they love me or make the world better I feel as though they don't understand. I really can't see it through their eyes. I can't feel any sort of love from or to people.

    Things got better then worse. I've kind of relapsed in my disordered eating patterns, I'm afraid I've got/have emerging traits of BPD (just another diagnosis to add to the list), my anxiety is making it really hard to function and because my school stress has somewhat subsided, I've fallen back into a deep depression.

    The things getting me through right now are things I have scheduled that I can no longer cancel because its difficult to or I have already rescheduled or I would lose a lot of money (in a 17 year olds eyes). It's also an "inconvenient" time to end my life right now. And the only thought that works every now and then: Life isn't fair, there's nothing I can do about it, sure I'll let myself have a little cry or angry outburst to myself about it but not for long, I've just got to get up, wipe the dust off and keep going.

    Sorry this is more of a rant then a conversation,

    Hannah

  16. Croix
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    12 September 2019 in reply to I don't even know

    Dear Idek/Hannah~

    Conversation or rant, what does it matter? You are simply saying how life is for you, and actually in doing so you reminded me of something I had not said.

    For a longtime when depression had warped my thoughts and narrowed my focus right down it cut me off from myself. I don't know if it's making any sense but I did not know if I loved anyone, or even if I was capable of love. I was isolated from myself.

    In fact I could get quite angry and resentful if they said they did, or asked how I was. Mainly becuse it pointed out the difference between their thoughts and mine. Not sensible is it? They did genuinely love and - thank goodness - did not have the same sort of thoughts in their heads. It might have made them understand better, but at too big a cost.

    Later on as I improved my feelings did return, they had been masked, not destroyed.

    No, you are not crazy, (any more than I am/was) and no you are not alone. You have a big burden to bear and are coping - talking here is one part of that I guess.

    I'm going to still go on about stress, even if school has slackened off a bit it has not helped, I think if you are like I've been it is still there. Doing something each day that takes your mind right away from the everyday, how you feel, waht is happening had been a great help to me. I use books and movies.

    They transport me away to another place (I choose ones with happy endings:) So what do you think might work for you? Something that you can look forward to from breakfast time onward? Looking forward to something helps too.

    BTW what sort of movies do you like?

    Croix

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  17. I don't even know
    I don't even know avatar
    176 posts
    25 September 2019 in reply to Croix

    Dear Croix,

    Sorry its taken me so long to reply, I've been having a tough time. Last week I attempted to take my own life again. I was in hospital for about 5 days. Still pretty intense at the moment as everyone is trying to figure out how to help me. I'm home now but under high supervision and receiving a lot of care.

    I sometimes feel a similar way when people try to express their love and go out of their way to do something for me. I'm used to being the carer, an independent person and the person who helps others rather than being on the receiving end and vulnerable, in need of help. I'm completely numb to the feeling of love. Sometimes I can understand that people love me, but I still firmly believe that they'd be better off if I wasn't around.

    I'm finally on school holidays now so many of my stresses have subsided. I've also applied to university which is a bit of a relief. There are still a few stressors, I find any sort of distraction helps with them and other intrusive thoughts and feelings. I don't mind books and movies, my mind is easily distracted and sometimes its hard to concentrate so sometimes I prefer shorter forms of them that hold my attention more like TV shows and random articles and things. I like comedy and drama the most.

    Thanks,

    Hannah

  18. Croix
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    27 September 2019 in reply to I don't even know

    Dear Hannah~

    I've been out of circulation for a couple of days and have only just seen your last post.

    OK, you had another bad time. I understand and know how it is. Do you feel like talking about it? No, I'm only asking, no obligation, and certainly do not want to bring back bad thoughts.

    Mind you if it is anything like my experiences everyone asks and if you answer you have to wade though a lot of explaining. I just am letting you know you can just say what you like here and be quickly understood - no obligation.

    5 days might have seemed long, was it like that for you? For me until I started reading every day had been endless. Plus other persons upset me (no never nasty to me, I just felt sad for them)

    It's funny you should say your attention was easily distracted. I could not concentrate, and the only reason I got through the first few adolescent books was because they were packed with puns and plays on words, so each paragraph had an interest all it's own. (I like word games). As time went on practice brought a bit more concentration back, maybe it will with you too.

    If you don't mind my asking waht sort of comedy and drama do you like?

    Glad school is over, one thing out the way, and enrolling in uni will open up a whole new way of doing things. In a lot of ways that is good as you set your pace and decide when to do what.

    The same person who is a carer for others is still inside you, and if it is on the back seat at the moment with others doing the caring, that's ok, it will turn about again.

    Love? I guess I've views on my experiences but will talk of that another time

    Hope to hear from you soon

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  19. I don't even know
    I don't even know avatar
    176 posts
    28 September 2019 in reply to Croix

    Hello Croix,

    This most recent attempt has been one of the most intense/scary ever. I don't want to go into details in case someone reading this gets triggered. It was terrifying because I completely lost control and what I'd done seemed much more extreme than what I'd done previously. Now I just feel even more crap because I haven't been successful once again, and I've put the people around me through so much stuff which is very unfair for them. The only thing that I feel has come from it is a whole load of embarrassment, meeting new doctors and other mental health professionals, a big relapse and some interesting new medication.

    Five days didn't seem too long, but I wouldn't of liked it to be much longer. Being in ED for two nights was boring and painful. When I was moved to the adolescent ward it wasn't as bad. Its still pretty boring as I just had to sit around all day, there were a few kids things to do but nothing that great. The other people on the ward were all there for physical health/medical reasons. I had a nurse special to keep me safe and as company too I guess.

    I'm slowly trying to get back into books and TV/movies but even short things are hard to keep my attention on at the moment. I like all sorts of comedy, stand up comedy, comedy movies, reality TV comedy etc. I don't like things that are too scary so the dramas I like are often rom-coms or crime movies.

    Don't worry, me and my therapists and doctors have many discussions/debates on the topics of caring for others, self-worth and love. Its difficult working on my mindset but hopefully things will fall into place.

    Thanks,

    Hannah

  20. Croix
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    28 September 2019 in reply to I don't even know

    Dear Hannah~

    I'm sort of torn between talking sense, and just talking with you. I would think you get an awful lot of people talking sense, and after a while there is temptation to just let their words slide by. After all your situation keeps on having these low points up till now anyway.

    I guess I'll have to try to do both, so skip the sense if you think it is more of the same. I too thought not killing myself was failure, but in fact I should have listened to my body which fought to live. I did not actually kill myself (duh) and I think my body knew to do so was to fail, not succeed - to miss out on life when things did get better -and that people that know and love and be glad of my presence either now or later would have missed out too.

    Is that enough sense for now?

    No, actually I forgot, I finally got on an interesting new med that has done a lot of good, without umpteen side effects. Been on it around 5 years and still working very well (all things considered). So don't give up on new meds, you might luck out like me.

    So what was your nurse special like? I've never had one of those, just been one of the people on a particular nurse's list to look after. Did not make for much conversation time, left on my own a lot -which is why the reading became sort of necessary. Nothing like boredom, fear and toxic thoughts to motivate a person to find a distraction.

    It probably is not your style but the books I stared with were called the Xanth Series and were full of puns like a shoe-tree was a real tree with shoes fruiting on it, you picked a pair that fit. Things like that. They kept my interest even when I had difficulties with the plot and who was who. Now I've moved on and recently read a series starting with Eragon, but it does take concentration. I'm good wiht that now.

    ED for two nights sounds a right pain, they don't really seem set up to give a person a restful bed, too much rushing around outside. Last time I was there, which was last year, they let me keep my phone, so I could listen to e-books or look at YouTube. Sadly no charger in the place, so that ran out after a while, a pity.

    Still forgot to talk about love and the window between -sigh. Well next time maybe

    Believe it or not you are too much to lose

    Croix

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  21. Aaronsis
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    30 September 2019 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix and Hi to you too Hannah

    I just wanted to say after reading your communications how blown away I am at your support Croix. You are an absolute gem and an absolute life line. This support and communication between you both gives me so much hope for a brighter future for our beautiful and amazing teens, like you Hannah. I lost my brother to suicide 7 weeks ago and from a sister I am beyond devastated...my whole family is completely broken. Hannah you are so strong and so brave to reach out and I am so happy for you and for your family that you have. You keep fighting every minute of every day...you are worth it and this world needs you. Thank you Croix for your amazing words and support. I will go on to have a happy day today knowing there are people like you in the world..thank you.

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  22. I don't even know
    I don't even know avatar
    176 posts
    30 September 2019 in reply to Croix

    Hello Croix,

    I understand where you're coming from with the sense, I'm pretty sure everyone around me also thinks living would be the success. After all, it is our human biological instinct to survive and live a long, happy life. Hopefully one day I can see it differently.

    So far my new meds have been okay, its only been three days so I've not been able to see a change in my mood but I've got a few physical side effects. I'm more tired and drowsy on top of the tiredness I was already feeling and its also giving me some nausea. Hopefully they wear off soon, nausea previously has. I'm quite interested to see the outcome as these meds are quite different to what I was on before and isn't often used in cases like mine.

    Having a nurse special is kind of good in that you have someone to talk to but can get extremely annoying (not them, their job). I know some people can have different rates of checking in like every 15 min, 30 min or hourly but mine had to watch me and be in a certain proximity to me 24/7. They watch you eat, go to the bathroom, shower, sleep etc. Kind of takes away your dignity a bit but I guess its all to keep you safe. Most of the nurse specials I had were nice and I got to know quite a few of them because every time I was admitted I had a nurse special assigned. I was quite unsafe and "not well-behaved" which is why they had so many restrictions on me.

    I'll look into those book series, they sound pretty interesting and I'm running low on book options at the moment. Oh I totally forgot, I love biographies and fictional books based on real life historical events. I love experiencing and imagining life from different kinds and eras of people. Kind of weird that I like historical books because I hated history at school with a passion and I like biographies but biography-like documentaries make me bored out of my mind.

    As soon as I got a bed in ED, they took away all of my belongings, I didn't get my phone back until I was discharged. Very annoyed about that. My entertainment while in ED was quite literally watching and listening to the people rushing around, pretty interesting stories actually. Previously when I've had my phone I would watch YouTube and scroll through social media forever too. Charger and phone would've been perfect haha.

    Good to hear from you,

    Hannah

  23. I don't even know
    I don't even know avatar
    176 posts
    30 September 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Aaronsis,

    I'm very sorry for your loss. Losing someone so close must be absolutely heartbreaking. I'm so glad you have come on this platform and been able to read through this thread to receive some hope.

    Thank you very much for your kind words, it means a lot. I'll continue to fight on as much as I can.

    Is that your wrist with the tattoo on it on your profile picture, its similar to the semicolon in my profile picture? I'd love to get a tattoo like that.

    Sending my prayers to you and your family,

    Hannah

    1 person found this helpful
  24. I don't even know
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    176 posts
    30 September 2019 in reply to I don't even know

    Sorry I forgot, I just saw your new thread. Your strength through this tough time and willingness to help others is remarkable. You are a very kind soul. Best wishes to you and your family <3

    1 person found this helpful
  25. Aaronsis
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    30 September 2019 in reply to I don't even know

    Thank you so much for your kind thoughts Hannah, yes losing someone is absolutely devastating and I can promise you that the people in your life will support me on that one, they don't want to lose someone so precious either.

    I am so happy to hear that you are going to keep fighting, you may not know it yet but you have something amazing to do in your future and it may even be supporting others through these dark times, you may turn into a counselor or something like that, the world needs you.

    That pic sure is my wrist, I have another big tattoo on my forearm and it is a Pokemon pokeball with a #304, not sure if you are a Pokemon fan but that number relates to a Pokemon called Aron, my brother loved Pokemon and his name was Aaron so it kind of was how I chose to honor him.

    I am thrilled that you like my tattoo, I love it too.

    Thank you for your kind words and support too, and sending you a virtual hug x

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  26. Aaronsis
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    30 September 2019 in reply to I don't even know

    naww thanks Hannah for your comment on my thread...believe me...I would do anything...anything if it meant saving a life.....I don't want another person EVER to have to have the phone call I got from my dad telling me the news, not to mention the phone call he got from his wife after the police had left.

    I really would do anything and that is my plan.....to do something......

    1 person found this helpful
  27. Croix
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    1 October 2019 in reply to I don't even know

    Dear Hannah~

    Most nurses you can tell after a while if they are good people, or just timeservers. The good ones (never around long enough for me) helped a lot. Did I mention one started me on the books, got them from his home?

    Later on I was allowed out by my self and there was a second had bookshop nearby, I managed to get the rest of the series I was reading. Maybe hard to get now, it was a while ago.

    Movies, I liked "Isle of Dogs", an animated Japanese film, really enjoyed it. I've never done much with fictional history, except I suppose you could call steampunk that if you wanted -Ghosts of Columbia is a good series, but the books are quite long, not good for concentration.

    If your new med is an 'unusual' one maybe it is like mine, only took a few days to get used to it. Then again the world is full of meds.

    I guess unlike you I've been 'well behaved' -unless you count forgetting to hand over my phone that time:) I bet they did have a charger somewhere.

    So I guess you are out in the Real World™ now. Do you have any extra hassles ATM? Well at least you have your phone/tablet whatever. Can I mention Libraries? Mine lets me download books for free straight off. They last a limited time and you take them out like real books. DVDs and audiobooks too. Maybe you will find something there.

    I liked your words ot Aaronsis, you are a kind soul.

    The love bit -there I've remembered. At one time I could not even remember if I could love, let alone if I did love anyone. Same the other way round, sort of ignored their love for me. It was depression filtering my thoughts, masking me from me. An isolated and dark place, all alone. As I improved my feelings returned.

    I have to pop a serious question in, just so I feel useful - you can skip it if you want. Sumo Cat has is eyes closed and probably does not even realise I'm typing.

    What do you think would slow down the process of your losing control? No I'm not talking meds, I'm talking actions, people and deliberate thoughts. I go to my safe place, though that's probably not much help to you.

    Croix

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  28. I don't even know
    I don't even know avatar
    176 posts
    4 October 2019 in reply to Croix

    Hello Croix,

    Most of the medical/registered nurses on the ward were good. I had the same experience with three that were particularly good. One was a mental health nurse, the other two just genuinely really cared for me as much as the other patients despite me being there for mental health, self-inflicted reasons and the others there for medical things.

    I've been meaning to watch Isle of Dogs, it sounds really good. At the moment I've got my maths textbooks to read, fun. I was thinking about going to my local library or school library to borrow some books, it's pretty convenient nowadays. My dad has a lot of books too so I was thinking of looking through them and seeing if I might like some of them.

    Yes, I'm out in the "Real World" now. Well, as real as it can be when I can't leave the house myself, have no access to anything that could be used to hurt myself and therapy multiple times a week. I guess its all to keep me going.

    Love is a complicated thing. It's weird because sometimes all I crave is a hug, yet I don't know who would be able to give me a loving hug or if I'd let myself receive one. It's resulted in me realising that if I don't want to or can't accept them from others at the moment, I've got to give myself a big hug and tell myself its going to be okay. Can't wait until I can share a genuine hug with someone else.

    Oh and as you've mentioned Sumo Cat, I MIGHT BE GETTING A DOG! I'm so excited XD. It sounds like Sumo Cat is a great companion.

    Never really thought about slowing down the process of losing control. Sometimes some breathing and grounding works to kind of slow everything down. At the moment in DBT sessions I'm starting each one with a mindfulness exercise and with my therapist I'm figuring out what works well. I'll have to think on it a bit more.

    Thanks,

    Hannah

  29. Croix
    Community Champion
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    10354 posts
    4 October 2019 in reply to I don't even know

    Dear Hannah~

    Sumo cat is indeed a great companion, though very dignified and believes being 'busy' (snoozing) should be a cat's main occupation. Occasionally he'll put out a paw and touch my arm, as if to check I'm still there, then return to business. If I'm greatly favored there will be a short (dignified) purr.

    We got him from the pound, at which time his name was 'Scardey-Cat". you can read how he got his new name by pasting the following link in your browser:

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/permalink/qltLoXHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

    I do hope you can get a dog, having one opens up whole new worlds, might solve the hug problem for a bit. Seriously don't worry about the hug situation, when you are very comfortable with someone (which will happen) or even if you simply wish to give comfort (which is part of your particular nature) then you will be the 'hugger' rather than the 'hugee' (a couple of new words I've just invented)

    I'm glad of those three nurses you mentioned, apart from the care and companionship they are pointing out that illness is illness, mental, physical, whatever.

    I hope you do find some books . I've just realized there are two DVDs called Isle of Dogs, one is a thriller, it is the other one with the dog faces and Japanese letters on the cover I meant. I was looking in eBay to see if there were any cheap copies.

    Please let us know about the dog

    Croix

    2 people found this helpful
  30. Aaronsis
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    5 October 2019 in reply to I don't even know

    HI Hannah

    I was so excited for you at the prospect of getting a dog, like Croix said I feel like this little..or big..doggy could be the start of your hugging. I am sure that he/she will be more that happy to help you through your hugging journey..moving through being the hugger and the huggee ( i love those new words).

    I am so happy also to hear from you and that you have some back to chat and you do seem to be brighter which is wonderful.

    Do you have anything planned for the weekend?

    Well I hope to hear about all the doggie updates and even if it doesn't happen right away, it is something so awesome to look forward to...and what to call him or her..how exciting

    Chat soon Hannah

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