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Forums / Long term support over the journey / Feeling well enough at last to find my voice again

Topic: Feeling well enough at last to find my voice again

  1. Quercus
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    15 May 2017 in reply to White Rose

    Hi Mary (and anyone else reading of course),

    How was your mother's day? I hope you got a batch of your daughter's scones (mmm nothing better than scones and jam and cream and earl grey tea).

    I really hope the doctor can work out something to ease your pain that doesn't cause panic attacks. Pain is bad enough to deal with. Do you have any pets? Sounds odd but I found it helped to have someone who would sit with me if I couldn't sleep for the pain. For me it was having a newborn awake wanting a feed and a cuddle but I just hoped you have comfort you when you're in pain, pets are so very intuitive about that.

    My trip was tiring but lovely. I had a good talk with my Mum mostly about feeling betrayed that she knew about the abuse in the past and didn't say anything until I left and then again when she didn't say anything about noticing my rage and mood swings until after I had gotten help.

    She said she feels it's not her place that I have to learn things for myself. That she didn't want to push me away. I did understand but was pretty disappointed anyway. I told her I thought being a Mum meant saying the hard things even when your kids don't want to hear it if it keeps them safe.

    Overall a difficult talk but a good one. Not really Mother's Day friendly I suppose.

    Take care and I'll write more later sorry I'm a bit down being back in the city. Hope you are alright.

  2. Quercus
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    16 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Please don't read this. It might trigger someone. Just let me vent and get this out for me to read again and again. Arrgh!

    Confused and angry and disgusted at myself again. I just want to sleep not go through these thoughts over and over and over.

    I feel guilty for talking to my Mum and using the A word (abuse). This happens over and over again. I feel ashamed for talking about it. I feel like I'm supposed to call her and say I lied. That I overreacted. That I made it all up. Why do I always feel like this?

    He abused me. I was a bloody experiment for a wannabe psychologist. I KNOW this. I KNOW what he did was wrong and cruel and awful. I know I was angry and knew what he was doing was wrong. But why can't I remember what he said to me that made it all alright?!

    My memories are drenched in guilt. My fault. My consent. My mistake. I wasn't clear enough. I was wrong. I overreacted. Guilt guilt guilt guilt. Memories with contradictory feelings that make no sense!

    So now I'm at fault again. How dare I blame him? How dare I make up lies? How dare I slander him? Apologise again. Wrong again. Oh my God. What is wrong with my memory?

    How can I say the R word out loud and yet immediately want to follow it with ... No it wasn't rape. It wasn't that bad. I didn't mean that. Just forget I said anything. What the hell is wrong with me!

  3. Guest_322
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    16 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Quercus,

    I'm not 100% sure of the background story but I will say this: rape is rape is rape. R is R is R.

    There is never any excuse and the fault alway lies with the perpetrator. Nothing he said made it alright because what he did was not alright.

    As for the contradictory feelings, I have heard of other survivors having similar feelings. You're not alone in this.

    Sorry, I'm not sure that I'm the best person to respond- I can think of at least 10 other people here who have the firsthand experience that I lack- but I guess I'm awake and maybe they're asleep so you're stuck with me for a bit...

    I hear you...I think you were betrayed by multiple people. The guy who raped you as well as your mum's inaction. 2 betrayals.

    I can empathise with feeling betrayed by your mum. Even if it wasn't her intention, silence and inaction is often as good as condoning an action if that makes any sense. Cone of silence and inaction in my family home that spanned at least 2 generations (but for different reasons to you). Anyway, I'm just trying to say that I hear you.

    I'm not sure what else to say other that I hear you...vent all you need.

    Dottie x

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  4. Quercus
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    16 May 2017 in reply to Guest_322

    Thank you Dottie for your reply.

    I ended up falling asleep just after writing that. I think I just needed to vent and get it out of my head. But I appreciate you writing to keep me company 😊.

    You said...

    There is never any excuse and the fault alwaylies with the perpetrator. Nothing he said made it alright because what he did was not alright

    I do understand this. Sometimes (like last night) I just get overwhelmed by my memories. I can't seem to reconcile how I felt in the memories and how I feel now.

    I spent so long burying the memories and trying to pretend those years never happened. So to face it all now it just gets a bit much some days.

    It will be ok I have psychotherapy once a week and will work on this.

    But that said I really appreciate you reaching out to me.

    I haven't read your thread yet I have to admit (I'm just working my way through threads slowly so it's not overwhelming) so I'm not familiar with your story yet I'm sorry.

    Feeling betrayed is hard to deal with I agree. Reconciling that silence doesn't mean they agreed with what was happening. If you want to talk about this you're always welcome here though.

    Thank you Dottie.

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  5. Croix
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    16 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Dear Quercus~

    You are able to see two sets of opposing things, what actually happened and that you still feel guilty.

    I am not a pshrink but I think it is good that you can see both, that the facts are not buried. For many years I would imagine your mind has tried to 'make the best of things', perhaps by reinforcing thoughts about the matter that were wrong - basically that you did not count, were not important.

    Now you are dealing with the matter knowing your true worth - an example being having a straight talk with your mother. All those past mental habits are in direct opposition to this and stir things up mightily.

    I guess it is to be expected, and the more you do continue to behave as a person who is of worth and importance the more the confusion will recede.

    Frankly I think you mother is making excuses for not taking the firm action she should have. Whether you allow her to do that, and seem to accept her words is up to you. Other factors apart from that massive betrayal may influence you, perhaps mercy, I don't know, you have to judge. My own path would not be as forgiving.

    You are getting there- doing well

    Croix

  6. Quercus
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    16 May 2017 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    How are you going? I hope you're taking time to look after yourself as well as everyone else 😊. Please know I am here for you if you need to talk ok.

    You're right as usual. I think as I talk it through it all I'll eventually accept that I can't change the guilt in my memories but I can recognise that I was young and vulnerable and isolated and conditioned to feel that way. And that those feelings are wrong.

    I do forgive my Mum. She has her own problems and did the best that she knew how to do. Even as a child I knew it was my job to look after her not the other way around. So it was unrealistic for me to expect her to act any differently. I knew she didn't know how to.

    That said she doesn't know the extent of the abuse. It was a shock to her to hear me say I examine every single thing I do... Asking myself am I doing this because I want to or because I have to?

    I watched her reaction and her panic and decided I have told her enough. The truth would destroy her. And I love my Mum too much for that.

    I'm starting to realise it's my choice who I confide in and how much I tell them.

    My husband and sister and psychiatrist can handle the blunt reality. My Mum can handle the general topic of abuse. My Dad I can only tell about the depression not the cause (he would kill my ex and I'm not willing to put Dad in that position). My friends are varying degrees in between depending on their own life experiences. And that is ok. I have lots of different supports around me. It's not all or nothing 😊

    As always thankyou Croix. Take care of yourself too.

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  7. CMF
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    16 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hey Quercus,

    I haven't caught up properley on your thread but i see loud and clear that you are blaming yourself and watering down the facts. Possibly this is because he is your ex, you were in a relationship, you probably trusted him at some point so how could the R word come into it you ask? Very possible i sa. No is no whether you are still in the relstionship or not. Sometimes we try to justify the behaviours of those we cared for because we did care but there is a line between right and wrong and what we permit at any given time.

    Cmf x

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  8. CMF
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    16 May 2017 in reply to CMF
    It can take a while to fully accept someone we loved/cared for has abused us whether physically, verbally or mentally. Sometimes we think we deserved it or convince ourselves it wasn't that bad. We need to realide we didn't deserve it, it wasn't acceptable. Part of this i think is knowing we are good and worthy people.
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  9. Guest_3712
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    16 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Quercus,

    Just a virtual hug for you from me. everyone else has said all the important stuff. You and me are linked by the same yet different circumstances, so you know I hear you loud and clear. The guilt, self doubts the endless What if's? I think deep down we both know the who's right and who's wrong in our stories, we just need lots of support to fully accept it and get on with our lives

    Here for you

    Take Care

    Stressless

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  10. Quercus
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    17 May 2017 in reply to CMF

    Triggers below. Please don't read. Just venting. I'm struggling with the idea of it not being my fault.

    I'm going to talk to my psychiatrist tomorrow about dealing with the rage and blame I direct to myself instead of him.

    I think my biggest problem is that I expected the rape and I did nothing.

    The abuse in general had been escalating and he had a friend who was a sexologist who I knew he'd been discussing intimate details with.

    One day they started yelling at me in front of our housemates (men and women) saying I was irresponsible for not having a pap smear. She said she'd give me money if that was the problem. He said "we've discussed this she's just too uncomfortable in her own skin". I wanted to crawl into the floor and die of shame.

    Part of me knew what to expect. The porn. The constant discussion of sex. Every sentence starting with what the sexologist had to say. She said this... She said that. Bringing me to a house party with a stripper and people making out publicly. Feeling uncomfortable and unsafe all the time. It really didn't surprise me when it got worse.

    That in my mind puts me at fault. That even though my skin crawled whenever he touched me (even before the rape) I didn't leave. That even after the rape I stayed.

  11. CMF
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    17 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    My dear Quercus,

    No, not your fault. Despite the 'signs' you were not to know. You were in a relationship, you trusted him. Toxic relationships are so hard to leave as we are manipulated, controlled, made to believe we have the issues. You stayed because you were locked into this pattern of behaviour, you were made insecure,possibly scared of leaving and being alone. Remember, manipulators are masters at making you feel guilty. You were made to feel this way. It is not your fault.

    Cmf x

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  12. White Rose
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    17 May 2017 in reply to CMF

    Dear Quercus

    I have been neglecting you just lately so please forgive me. I have had some full days and then died in bed at night. Feeling much better. Almost afraid to say the pains have gone but since this morning I have felt virtually pain free. Whoo-hoo.

    I think several people have said this is not your fault, and it's not. You can go on beating yourself up by saying what you 'ought' to have done but it will not help you. You have started to realise the other people involved were at fault but then your mind flips back again to the 'ought'. I suspect this will happen for a while until you get on top of it altogether.

    You say, I'll eventually accept that I can't change the guilt in my memories but I can recognise that I was young and vulnerable and isolated and conditioned to feel that way. Not entirely true but on the right track. There is nothing for you to be guilty about so try to let it go. I know every time it comes up you feel dreadful, want to crawl away, shut out the voices that tell you it's your fault. That alone is telling you to stop having these feelings. I know it's not that easy and there is no magic wand. Instead build up your resilience, enjoy who you are, do the things that make you self confident. Sadly I think you will never forget but distance and time will smooth edges until you can look the memories in the face and say you were not guilty of any kind of complicity. These were acts done against your will. How can you be guilty? The bully, the abuser, the rapist will always try to say it wasn't their fault, they couldn't help it, you were there (as though that makes it OK) so you must have agreed. Can you see the self justification?

    This is such a common pattern. According to some people, girls who wear short skirts deserve to be raped, the man is unable to control his urges. Is that truly the world we live in?Do vulnerable people force their abusers to carry out these dreadful acts? Of course not. Those who know they have done these things either believe they are entitled to do what they want, or be ashamed but cannot bear the self loathing and blame the victim.

    I am disappointed for you that your mom was not more supportive. Well you tried but do not be sucked in to believing she had good intentions. Her words are just another form of self justification for doing nothing.

    I have always had cats and dogs around. I would love to have small dog, to fit into my small garden. Goldfish not a substitute.

    Mary

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  13. Quercus
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    17 May 2017 in reply to White Rose

    Hi Mary and CMF,

    Thank you for your replies I'm not in a good place today. Thank goodness therapy is tonight and my mum in law is taking the kids soon. I'm not sure if it's the new meds but I'm exhausted and fuzzy and very very low.

    You haven't been neglecting me Mary and I am pleased to hear you're feeling a bit better 😊 Yeah a goldfish just doesn't cut it compared to a dog or cat. What sort of dog would you like? I have a German Shepherd he is such a softy with the kids (he lives outside though hubby would have a heart attack if there was dog fur in the house haha).

    And CMF I'm sorry to hear you're having a difficult day. Maybe you should go for it and try a job or study just to give you something new?

    You both make sense. I just don't know what to say. Or how to explain how I'm feeling. I feel really horrible all these random memories I'd forgotten keep coming up.

    I know you're right Mary...

    until you can look the memories in the face and say you were not guilty of any kind of complicity

    At this moment I'm not able to. And the kids keep climbing over me when I just don't want anyone to touch me and screeching and fighting eachother. I can't wait to hand them over to my mum in law and say keep them!

    Sigh. I'm sorry I keep going over the same things over and over. It's not healthy for anyone. I'd better go we're late for the lunch already. Thank you for your help and support. Sorry I am not good company today.

  14. Croix
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    17 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Dear Quercus~

    Probably time to look for the milestones you have already past to occupy your mind and help deal with those random memories - plus listen to My Soul Back or Human too I guess

    Being kind to yourself takes lots of time (and repetitions) - I'm still learning, I suppose we all are. You are getting there, its just the road is hard so you lose sight of it.

    Croix

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  15. Guest_3712
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    17 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Quercus,

    I don't know quiet what to say to you. I feel so bad you have endured this terrible experience and continue to re- live it through the guilt and shame you continue to suffer. I don't know what to say because it is exactly what I do as you know.

    Yet I can see how this is absolutely not your fault not ever in a million years did you deserve any of this and to continue punishing yourself lets these evil people continue to rule your life. Quercus please look back at some of the replies you;ve sent to me and try to apply your reasoning to your situation

    I'm glad you love your mum enough to not hurt her with all of the truth, but excuse me if I am out of line did she love you enough to accept the reality of what happened and take the appropriate action. What do you want from her now if you were able to confront her with everything.? Is it going to change things for you?

    Sorry lots of questions I probably have no right to ask. In my case it is too late.I cant ask those questions so I don't know if it would have made the things that happened easier to bear.

    You have done so well , you have told your story here and more importantly to people that matter in your life . Quercus it breaks my heart to know you are suffering like this. I hope you got a little relief from psych visit .

    Take Care

    Stressless

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  16. Guest_322
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    17 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Quercus,

    In Paul's words, "kind and gentle." Just do what you can and please don't beat yourself up for not being further along in your journey as you would like.

    Thanks for your earlier post btw. I appreciate how you're trying to get to know everyone but maybe don't worry too much about my thread for now. Just look after yourself and focus on you- that's much more important right now.

    Dottie x

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  17. Quercus
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    18 May 2017 in reply to Croix

    Hi Everyone,

    So much kindness on these forums. Thank you all very much for your support today. I am very very grateful for you all today.

    Croix: Ah Jon Bellion! You guessed correctly. I was listening to Human and Maybe IDK while waiting for my appointment. Not so keen on My Soul Back 😊. A little peace in the car did a lot of good.

    Dottie: I like Paul's words they are so true. Reminds me of good advice from my psych "be gentle and forgiving of yourself". I'll still get to your thread I learn something useful from every one I read. Plus I'm really enjoying following your thread about making your own path that discussion is excellent.

    And Stressless: you've got skills! How did you know the exact topic I ended up on in therapy?! Must be psychic 😊. My psychiatrist asked me to think about why was I vulnerable? If my childhood was happy and the familiar relationships I knew were stable why did I accept the way he treated me? Why was I vulnerable to start with?

    And the answer wasn't pretty...

    I've spent a lot of my childhood as the carer not the child.

    I don't tend to make decisions for myself or value my own input because thats what I've always known. My family expect me to go with the flow.

    That I chose my degree based on what I was told to do not what I enjoy.

    I'm the kid that would do things because I was told to. Not to argue. Conflict is a bad thing. It never even occurred to me that these weren't necessarily positive things.

    I accepted being treated like I was worthless because I felt worthless to begin with. I kind of feel like I don't exist sometimes. Like I'm an empty shell inside no substance or anything of interest.

    I accepted someone being in control of my body because the one thing that had stuck with me my entire life was the idea that being happy in your own skin required the approval of others. Exercise to lose weight to look attractive rather than because you enjoy being active.

    I am 32 and I'm only just working out what I enjoy doing. Just for me not what others think I should enjoy.

    Kind of sad really. I'm not angry at Mum. I love my Mum to bits. What's sad is that I've been like her to my kids getting overwhelmed with noise and touch just like Mum used to. The difference is I asked and wanted help... She didn't.

    Lots of work to do. But I'm up to it. Too bloody stubborn! My heartfelt thanks to you all.

    Gentle, forgiving and kind to myself.... Baby steps 😊

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  18. Guest_3712
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    18 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Quercus,

    Sounds like you had a very full on session with your psych. it always blows my mind how they get to the heart of things - must be why they get paid the big bucks. A little advice ( again) don't try to connect all the dots now, or even think too much sometimes these sessions can be overwhelming and can come back and hit you later.

    Just let the info settle into your head , if it pops into your thoughts ( which it will) take it out , have a little look and put it back for a while. Next time it pops up look a little longer ( or not ) and put it back. Its like a new book you've bought. Read the title and the plot , and then say to yourself, "not sure if I'm going to like this book but hey I've got it now I might come back and look at it later" , No rush Its yours now .

    No I'm not psychic although I have had that comment before or was that psycho? Ha! Probably just many years of therapy and my psych would be thrilled to know how much of it has stuck , maybe not too thrilled that I cant use the same reasoning with my own situation. Maybe its that old " Do as I say not as I do " argument I used to use on my kids

    Why is that do you think? How come we can see clearly the right and wrong in another persons experience but it all becomes somewhat foggy when we look at our own ? Umm maybe good place to start for my next session. Did u try any new light hearted distraction techniques ? Like knocking his damn clock of his desk? Another story

    Oh and by the way how did u get to be so smart at only 32 ? Wow your life is just beginning, Imagine those days, months, years ahead when you can put all this crap behind you and live the wonderful fulfilled life you were destined for as an inspirational wife, mother and friend --and someone who is finally comfortable in her skin

    Awesomeness ! Now I must get out of my rocker chair and embrace the day as I'm feeling very old all of a sudden

    Take Care

    Stressless

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  19. Quercus
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    18 May 2017 in reply to Guest_3712

    Ah Stressless! You'll have to start your strangest things I've done in a therapists office because between you and I we'll keep it full of dramas and laughter.

    No I didn't throw any clocks. I just told him off for choosing such a crappy depressing painting for the wall! Arrgh cringeworthy. To be fair it is awful. A Van Gogh of a farm but all the colours are crap. I told him he couldn't have picked a worse painting. He seemed to think this was funny.

    At the end of the session I started laughing and said yep I still hate it. He told me he'd take it off the wall for our sessions hahahaha. Please start the thread? It will amuse people 😊

    Apart from that it was very helpful. It was a relief to know there is more to it than the abuse. Why I accepted being treated like that is the real problem. I'm happy that there is more to the therapy than just reliving all the horrible stuff. And I have an area to work on. My self esteem and self worth. Not news to me but I do get now why I did what I did which is a relief to understand.

    Nah no huge dot connecting happening. Little steps and lots of reflection.

    Thanks for your reply Stressless it really helped me today. How are you feeling today?

  20. ro63
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    18 May 2017 in reply to Quercus
    Hi Quercus, It is always difficult with a deep digging psch,but they do know how to dig eh,sorry it was a hard session but the hard ones tend to be the most cathardic ,and you are most definitely not worthless in any way you are priceless and extremely interesting ,and don't let anyone tell you different ,hope you have a good decompress after All my best ,Ross.
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  21. annie45
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    18 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Quercus

    i just wanted to reach out and give you a hug. So much of your story is similar to mine. I too was a carer not a child - it didn't seem strange at the time but i became very compliant, never wanting to cause a fuss. I saw my mum as weak and vowed never to be like that. Unfortunately asking for help is now very difficult. Hiding ones emotions seemed like a strength but when i was raped at age 19 I simply buried it down deep. From then on, every time something bad happened i just buried and denied. In hindsight it was only a matter of time before this stopped working!!

    I am disgusted by what happened and harbour a lot of anger. Therapy is hard, and im not sure how to deal with the consequences but I do feel like I'm finally getting to understand me. As stressless has said don't try to join all the dots at once, the more i mull over what has been said and start analysing myself the worse i become. Focus on the fact that it's a necessary evil and that every step is a step forward.

    Your words helped me so when i was struggling so i am sending positive thoughts back to you

    best of luck

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  22. Quercus
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    19 May 2017 in reply to annie45

    Hi everyone!

    Ross I popped by your thread to thank you. Such a kind comment. And it was awesome to see someone had written to you who could relate to your circumstances. I hope you can get some good ideas from Paul about coping if things get nasty. His advice is solid.

    And Annie45 ... thank you so very much for joining the conversation. Sometimes I worry about putting all this out in the public realm so to have a reply like yours that means a lot to me. Do you have a thread of your own so I can reply to you? If not you are most welcome here.

    I have to admit I'm not brave enough to enter the PTSD trauma section often. It makes me ill to think of how many people can relate to us. I don't get the point of people watching horror movies the real horror is in what people do to other human beings. My heart goes out to you.

    I'm glad if my thread has given you any sort of relief or help. I feel you about the anger. It's a constant thing I try and control. It's funny the psych asked me why am I so frightened of losing control of my anger. I said it's not because I'd hurt others (I don't have that in me) It's the rage and anger and hate directed at myself I am afraid of. I'm not sure how to channel that anger usefully. Generally if I have lost control it's in the form of self harm. Do you experience this? (Just ignore if I ask anything you don't wish to answer). I'm just wondering if you have ideas about dealing with anger directed internally.

    I would love to hear your input and opinions if you want to talk more. If not just know I'm thankful for your post.

  23. Quercus
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    19 May 2017 in reply to annie45

    Hi Annie45,

    Sorry. I am so frustrated at myself. I just posted a reply (which is in moderation). Then realised I knew your username and your thread and had spoken to you not long ago. Arrgh. This is the second time in 3 days I've made thoughtless errors.

    I am sorry because I've been worried that you'd been quiet (​but that's just part of the forums people write when they feel able). And then I felt crap that I'd written like you were someone new. I hope that doesn't upset you Annie45.

  24. Guest_3712
    Guest_3712 avatar
    2003 posts
    19 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Quercus,

    So happy your session went well and yes it is a relief when you start to understand why you accept being treated in a certain way. Self esteem and self worth , like the two most important ingredients in a cake. Without them the cake doesn't rise, remains flat and hard.

    Very easy to erode but extremely hard to rebuild. I know myself, even now I cant accept a compliment - I just don't believe it if someone tells me I look nice. I mean I take a lot of care to make sure I look as good as I can, makeup hair etc but more than anything that's part of my mask . I hope that no - one can see the real me .That and because I was always told I was ugly, bad, and evil .

    So yes Quercus It will take some work on your part to rid yourself of all the negatives that have been part of your life for so long, but it sounds like you have a psych you can relate to and who will guide you through it.

    Oh by the way have decided to start new thread- looking forward to your stories- loved the painting episode put that in for sure

    Take Care

    Stressless

  25. Guest_3712
    Guest_3712 avatar
    2003 posts
    19 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Quercus,

    Sorry I replied earlier but don't know what happened. Anyway basically I said I am glad you had a good session and yes it is hard to understand why we accept the way people treat us. It comes down to us giving them the power to do so and as we get better we need to take that power back

    Self esteem and self worth are definitely areas I struggle with too. No matter how much time has passed I still cant believe I am anything but ugly, bad and evil. This is what I see when I look in the mirror. People give me compliments and I flat out don't believe them. I try to present as well as I can, hair makeup etc but this is more to do with trying to cover up the ugliness I believe everyone can see.

    I saw your post to annie45 and your comments re expressing your anger. My psych trys to get me to release my anger too ( hence the clock throwing incident) and I 'm not an angry person either. I try to explain that I am scared if I let go and spew out all the anger, and hurt I apparently keep buried I may not be the same after. Hard to explain but I know where you're coming from.

    On a lighter note I started our new thread in 'staying well' so please post your stories too. Loved the painting story yesterday and good on you for speaking your mind. For goodness sake have something bright and cheery or calm and serene not ugly and boring ! My psych has pictures some of his patients have done for him and even some from his grand-kids .

    So have a good day Quercus

    Take care

    Stressless

    1 person found this helpful
  26. james1
    Multicultural Correspondent
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    • China
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    james1 avatar
    2979 posts
    19 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hey Quercus,

    I just thought I'd put my hand up and say, this is me:

    "I'm only just working out what I enjoy doing. Just for me not what others think I should enjoy."

    Tough work, but we'll get there. Stuff always gets easier the more we do it, so the more you try to 'just be', as my psych puts it, the easier and faster you'll find yourself.

    Here's one for you: you are a very caring person, and it comes through in your posts :)

    James

    2 people found this helpful
  27. Quercus
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
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    Quercus avatar
    3546 posts
    19 May 2017 in reply to james1

    Hi Stressless,

    Awesome! Such a nice surprise to start the day. Thank you! I keep thinking of how hard it was to take that step to see a therapist. And how much more I'm getting out of being brutally honest. Hopefully the thread gives people an idea of what to expect and that the best therapy is a bit of a mess 😊

    And James,

    I like your psych's advice to just be. That is really helpful. Have you read Dottie's thread about forging your own path? I find it really interesting even if I don't have much to contribute. And JessF wrote something on HamSolo01's thread you might want to read I found it amazingly helpful. I suggested the usual what would you choose to do if you won lotto and money wasn't an issue... But then JessF related it into a practical way of accepting dreams that aren't achievable and working them into a realistic goal. It was very beautifully written. Hope it helps you too.

    And thanks for the compliment. I appreciate it.

  28. annie45
    annie45 avatar
    223 posts
    19 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Quercus

    please don't feel frustrated or beat yourself up. I wasn't expecting you to remember me. You're so active in these forums and do such great work it's no wonder your memory laspes every now and then.

    I'm at work at the moment but just wanted to reassure you that you're wonderful.

    Chat soon

    2 people found this helpful
  29. annie45
    annie45 avatar
    223 posts
    19 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hey Quercus

    Im feeling better at the moment - not 100% but lets say 70%. I'm concentrating on developing strategies and tools to help me recover. It's why I'm back here - writing helps me sort my thoughts and my counsellor thinks that getting on here is beneficial for me when im in between visits.

    I've made a spotify list of good, comforting music that is on repeat - in the car, thekitchen everywhere. I can always here it in the background so when the kids giveme the irrates i can hear it and refocus.i feel as though it's someone there always reminding me of what's important, to breathe, and that they are on my side. It's funny because the kids are starting to know the words to the songs. Three birds by bob marley is my 4 year old daughters fav, while my 5 yo loves Michael franti Life is better with you!

    Writing lists of what helps has helped too because often when i find myself sinking its too late and i cant think of anything to make me feel better or to entertain the kids. It helps me feel more prepared to face the day.

    Dealing with anger is a hard one. I feel so much pent up frustration, shame, guilt and anger but have done so for a long time. I'm pretty good at swearing which makes me feel better! Also i find that I unconsciously channel it into physical activity whether that be hoeing the vegie patch, boxing classes or a gym session. Unfortunately this can have ramifications in that i push to hard. Sometimes i have gone for a run angry. Pushing too hard has caused injury that at the time i enjoy the pain, realistically its a bit stupid and i pay for it in the weeks following. Plus it is slowly taking the enjoyment out if running. I know that you struggle with chronic pain but have you considered something like deep water running to help release some of your pent up anger?

    I was at work today and we were talking about weight loss and how we often see people take shortcuts like fad diets, diet shakes, ect. This has short term gains but unfortunately sooner or later the weight returns for most before they finally acknowledge that the most effective long term results are gained by the hardest option (healthy eating and regular movement). I've gone the easy option by burying my emotions and denying they exist, but it's only a short term and ineffective strategy. Opening up, dealing with the chaos is by far a harder option but one that will hopefully result in some long term results I'm hoping that it will be the same with you.

    2 people found this helpful
  30. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    10573 posts
    20 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Dear Quercus

    Before I go on I wanted to remind you of the person that said:

    I watched her reaction and her panic and decided I have told her enough

    That is so lovely, full of kindness, understanding and self-worth. It never hurts to be reminded of the person you really are, despite what your thoughts might often say.

    Now, I'm here to thank you for that time at Church in:

    Forums / Staying well / Store Your Happy Memories Here:

    The colors washing though the stained glass and the choir (where I did actually sing:) raised memories and presented them in a new happier light.

    Thank you

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful

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