So much kindness on these forums. Thank you all very much for your support today. I am very very grateful for you all today.
Croix: Ah Jon Bellion! You guessed correctly. I was listening to Human and Maybe IDK while waiting for my appointment. Not so keen on My Soul Back 😊. A little peace in the car did a lot of good.
Dottie: I like Paul's words they are so true. Reminds me of good advice from my psych "be gentle and forgiving of yourself". I'll still get to your thread I learn something useful from every one I read. Plus I'm really enjoying following your thread about making your own path that discussion is excellent.
And Stressless: you've got skills! How did you know the exact topic I ended up on in therapy?! Must be psychic 😊. My psychiatrist asked me to think about why was I vulnerable? If my childhood was happy and the familiar relationships I knew were stable why did I accept the way he treated me? Why was I vulnerable to start with?
And the answer wasn't pretty...
I've spent a lot of my childhood as the carer not the child.
I don't tend to make decisions for myself or value my own input because thats what I've always known. My family expect me to go with the flow.
That I chose my degree based on what I was told to do not what I enjoy.
I'm the kid that would do things because I was told to. Not to argue. Conflict is a bad thing. It never even occurred to me that these weren't necessarily positive things.
I accepted being treated like I was worthless because I felt worthless to begin with. I kind of feel like I don't exist sometimes. Like I'm an empty shell inside no substance or anything of interest.
I accepted someone being in control of my body because the one thing that had stuck with me my entire life was the idea that being happy in your own skin required the approval of others. Exercise to lose weight to look attractive rather than because you enjoy being active.
I am 32 and I'm only just working out what I enjoy doing. Just for me not what others think I should enjoy.
Kind of sad really. I'm not angry at Mum. I love my Mum to bits. What's sad is that I've been like her to my kids getting overwhelmed with noise and touch just like Mum used to. The difference is I asked and wanted help... She didn't.
Lots of work to do. But I'm up to it. Too bloody stubborn! My heartfelt thanks to you all.
Gentle, forgiving and kind to myself.... Baby steps 😊