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Forums / Long term support over the journey / Getting to know you...or is that me?

Topic: Getting to know you...or is that me?

  1. Just Sara
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    22 October 2016 in reply to Guest_322

    Hey babe's;

    I'm coming back in dribs and drabs; wanting to write more, but can't keep my eyes open.

    Sleep deprivation...part and parcel I'm afraid. But fear not...recovery is only a step or two away, and then...Booyar!!!

    I'll return with eyes wide open and body attached with mind once more.

    I know you're with me;

    Grateful beyond understanding...Dizzy xoxo

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  2. Guest_322
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    22 October 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Dizzy,

    Take your time; there's no hurry as the forum will still be here as will your thread as will us.

    Sleep deprivation messes with one's head so go easy on yourself.

    Hoping for beautiful recovery in good time.

    Keep holding on. You're amaze 😊

    Dottie xxxxxxxx

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  3. Just Sara
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    22 October 2016 in reply to Guest_322

    Yes I am pretty amaze-ball's Dottie dearest; I bloody well earned it I can tell you!

    Today's blog/post? Unconditional love...

    There are memories that stick in the mind as pivotal. Times I was taken/sent away without knowing why; being mocked when I said I didn't feel loved; being raped and rejected by people I loved deeply; losing a loved one who showed love unconditionally.

    Each of those 'moments' trained me to be a 'good girl'. Now this is a subjective term relating to how I felt others wanted me to be.

    The thing is; I've been looking for a partner who can allow me to be 'me'. Someone who won't send me away when they're confronted by my presence; someone who'll love me even if I'm naughty, selfish, passionate, intelligent, angry or in their face, etc; someone who also wants to breach the boundaries of their confinement; someone who can rise to the challenge my anger may insight and; someone who revels in me shining.

    Yeah...it's a big ask. But you know what? I stayed when I should've walked, I loved unconditionally like a child when I should've said "Back off!" I blamed me when I should've given blame to those who hurt and humiliated me, I bought myself down when I really wanted to learn and rise upward, and I kept myself at arms length when I really wanted to hold them close and risk being rejected again.

    I can't expect to find what I want in others until I learn to act on my own behalf. It's up to me to protect myself from the one's I know deep down will eventually hurt me. I can't wait around anymore for them to change.

    Love comes in many forms; physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, familial and communal. Unconditional love doesn't mean belittling myself; it's accepting limitations and fighting for 'me'. I've had such guilt and shame associated with times I fought or yelled or gave in when it wasn't deserved. Why????

    I don't want guilt anymore. If I can't have 'all' the love I deserve, why should I hang around? Yes, there's a choice involved, I get that. If I stay with someone who can't provide that love, I'm the one who has to live with it.

    I am more powerful than once assumed. I am in control of my life whether I like it or not...unconditionally.

    Love you all...Mwah!!!

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  4. Guest_322
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    22 October 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Amazeballs Dizzy,

    Yes, you earned that title 😊 A heartfelt post from you. Unconditional love...from someone else or unconditional love for your own self? Both?

    And yes, you are more powerful than once assumed.

    I'll write a proper response later. I just wanted to check in quickly with you to say hi and to say, hey, I hear you. Speak again in a bit.

    Here for you.

    Dottie xxxxxxx

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  5. Guest_322
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    23 October 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Dizzy,

    That was yet another moving post.

    Good on you as you seem to be really coming into your own. When your wounds run deep, you learn.

    If you found a partner who loved you for you- the good, the bad and the ugly- that would be a very beautiful thing. And for the record, there's nothing wrong with wanting unconditional love. This is especially the case if you've spent most of your life chasing impossible love (or "love" that wasn't really love at all).

    I think you've compromised, sacrificed and been hurt many times over, and maybe now wanting unconditional love is an act of self respect (I don't know and I never have answers...I'm just shooting thoughts out there).

    So here's to your growing sense of self, self respect and for your journey towards unconditional love.

    Dottie xxxxxx

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  6. Just Sara
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    23 October 2016 in reply to Guest_322

    Hey darling Dottie;

    I know I've said it quite a few times before; your posts are some of the most insightful I've read. At 20 your life is just beginning, though you write with such wisdom and experience. It's an absolute pleasure D girl.

    I'd like to answer your questions before I go on. Unconditional Love is what children give because they don't know any better. They have no experience to assert their voice except through tantrums etc. They forgive the unforgivable, accept limitations as normal, always accept treatment handed out indiscriminately as 'life', and only have parents and family to learn from. When an adult gives unconditional Love to a child, they're expressing to that child; it's ok to be real...warts and all.

    My Nanna gave this to me and thank goodness. Otherwise I would never have experienced that Love. It was her that allowed me the space to learn from my mistakes and grow into the person I am today. 17 Oct. was 31 yrs since she died. I still have the newspaper clipping of her passing. I hold onto her memory for good reason, as she is the one and only role model who showed that Love.

    Yesterday my mother said one of the most hurtful and insensitive things to me that ripped through my heart.. without even blinking an eyelid. I've contemplated it's relevance to me since. She wanted me to stay, but leaving was the only way to escape my pain. It doesn't matter how old we are, when people we love (unconditionally) stab us in the heart, we bleed, more-so than with others.

    On the up-side, I didn't respond as emotionally as I would've 6 months ago; that's a plus. What I have thought about though, is leaving this town and it's memories. A supportive family can improve and sustain life, but a dysfunctional one has the capacity to curb the healing process and stunt growth.

    On this site, the term 'help seeking behaviour' caught my attention. In my recovery, looking to others for help has turned inward. I have to help myself.

    As well my son had to go to the hospital due to a bad viral infection, and I spent time in the bath settling sore muscles from mowing my overgrown lawn..twice! With raking the clippings in between and using the catcher the 2nd time. 800 square mtr's of it!

    I'm a bit disconnected today, sorry for being all over the place. I'm still smiling though...learning about rejection and its traps is in me now and can't be un-learned.

    Staying strong...Dizzy xoxo

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  7. Guest_322
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    23 October 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Dizzy,

    Thanks 😊 That means a lot to me. I'm still figuring it out- this big thing called life. To be honest, I'll probably be doing it for the rest of my life ha, ha.

    That makes sense...a child accepts whatever version of love or "love" is on offer. Too young to know of alternatives, challenge or ask questions; a relatively blank slate.

    I guess that version of love or "love" leaves a mark so in later years- consciously or not and for better or for worse- we look for the same in others. It's familiar, it's "safe"- even if it's as far from safe as is humanly possible. And for people with a history like yours...hey, I'm sorry for all that you've been through.

    You clearly got the amazeball-ness from your Nanna. I think her unconditional Love was possibly one of her greatest gifts to you. Love: capital L.

    It must have really cut deep when your mum said those hurtful things to you. I think the sad thing is that sometimes unconditional love is unrequited. No matter how much you love another person- and through no fault of your own- sometimes it's just not enough. Conditional love, right?

    A supportive family can improve and sustain life, but a dysfunctional one has the capacity to curb the healing process and stunt growth.

    Not all families and not all individuals in families are created equal. I think you have to do what's right for you...whatever that may be.

    My parents had a whole host of their own problems, and so, I left home at 18. Not to prove my independence or anything like that but I needed to leave.

    Similarly, you have your reasons for staying or leaving. Whatever decision you make, we'll be here supporting you and cheering you on.

    Just keep being you. You are awesomeness personified! 😊

    And thanks for letting me ramble (somewhat incoherently) in this post.

    Dottie xxx

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  8. Guest_322
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    23 October 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi again,

    No need to apologise. This is your little BB corner: Dizzy corner. Thank you for letting us journey with you 😊

    I hope your son starts feeling better soon. Poor guy.

    Stay amaze, okay?

    Dottie xxx

    1 person found this helpful
  9. Just Sara
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    24 October 2016 in reply to Guest_322

    Hey D girl!

    I so loved reading your long post, and thankyou for giving me validation as I've tried to do for you. My son is doing ok, viral infections are nasty but eventually they run their course. Thankyou for your concern.

    You're so young to be contemplating these concepts. I hope your life is being spent on youthful projects like planning a cruise with friends, dancing till dawn or trekking thru Europe one day as well as study. Balance...

    Sara Conna..

    In the 90's when Terminator 2 came out on the big screen, I watched Linda Hamilton's character, with awe and inspiration as she did chin-ups in her 'cell' at the psych facility; I wanted to be her. It was her 1st scene for the movie. That moment stuck in my mind; a strong, tough and driven woman refusing to give up against all the odds.

    Later in the movie, her vulnerability and pain came out as deep sobbing; letting out her pent up feelings of loss, fear of an unknown future paradoxal to the future she knew was approaching. I've watched that movie many, many times, especially back 'then'.

    When I joined BB I was dizzy at home; broken and in pain; it was my 12 month anniversary yesterday. Today I'm Sara Conna, a strong and driven woman who's resolve will take me far in my endeavours. Yes, I have my moments of deep sobbing and internal conflict too, but there has to be some release to keep balance.

    I'm getting chills all over my body as I think about comparisons to 'her'; we have so much in common. Knowing the future opposed to creating a future is where I am now. It's scary and exciting at the same time.

    'Her' weapons of survival are artillery, mine are 'words'. The past yr has been spent preparing to face my foe as she did, building strength and resolve, licking my wounds and doing what's necessary to fight.

    I'm happy you've joined me on my journey Dottie; it wouldn't be the same without you.

    The new and improved...Sara xoxo

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  10. Healer girl
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    24 October 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    I have to say I came across this site today and I am very happy to read about people that feel and think some of things that I do. It's hard to talk about being a "people pleaser" without feeling bad for it. For too long I had to pretend for everyone else's sake. Couldn't speak about the things that were happening and had to put on a smile and pretend hey all's good. Relationships well, I'm just starting to finish off with the sixth relationship I've had. I can't believe that I gave all the love, and never got what I really wanted and I don't know if I will ever know what that really feels like. I always seem to blame myself for what has happened even when it's not really my fault. sometimes I feel "spineless" like I don't stand up for myself, then I feel like I'm being selfish and disrespectful. I try not to think about it all too much as I go into overload. I can't handle any praise or compliments - because I have been made to feel that I don't deserve them. I have worked on myself for the past 25 years on and off still struggling. but I know that I am important and I need to love myself a lot more. Easier said than done but this is a start and thank you.

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  11. sparkvark
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    24 October 2016 in reply to Just Sara
    Just wanted to say that your latest post in this thread is definitely inspiring and brightened up my morning when I read it, Sara_Conna. I admire your determination and am glad to see that the hard work you're putting in is paying off.
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  12. Guest_322
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    24 October 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Amazeballs Sara,

    Any time. We all look out for each other here 😊 I'm glad your son is on the mend; that's great to hear!

    I don't think I've seen that particular Terminator movie although I have seen the latest instalment. Either way, to be Sara Conna personified is pretty incredible!

    It goes without saying that you have both suffered immensely. Both with deep wounds but also iron clad strength; strong but vulnerable at the same time. Strength from deep rooted pain- no wonder you identify so strongly with her

    A lot can happen in 12 months as you would know better than anyone, I'm sure. What a ride, right? From a distressing and disheartening place to one of amazing resilience today. You did good! We're all very proud of you! Thank you again for sharing your journey with us.

    About your weapon of choice...

    The pen is mightier than the sword 😉

    Well done, super star! Here's to the new and improved you!

    Stay amaze.

    Dottie xxxxxx

    P.S. Rest assured, come the uni holidays and I'll be letting my hair down ha, ha.

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  13. Just Sara
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    25 October 2016 in reply to Healer girl

    Hi and welcome to BB Healer Girl;

    Thankyou for popping onto my thread. It's really just a place for me to vent or tell my story of transition. But I hear you loud and clear as would many others out there reading.

    People pleasing is taught in childhood and may take a long time to undo, depending on your resolve and determination. It also takes a lot of guts. Starting this process is better off done with family or close friends. They're the most forgiving. All it takes is saying "No" one time; then another, and another and the rest is hopefully downhill.

    Journalling can be a really informative source for decision making and problem solving. In the beginning, it's hard to even have an opinion let alone stand up for what you believe. One step at a time being gentle and patient with yourself is the only way to approach this issue. You are after-all, replacing a life long habitual behaviour with a more positive and self determined way of life.

    It's slow going in the beginning, but gathers momentum after a few 'wins'. Your confidence will grow and people will start complementing you on it. Be aware of anxiety or depressive moods. They're the harbingers of internal conflict. That means you're fighting yourself with changing. Use the anxiety as a tool for self insight and where you might be too frightened to speak for instance.

    I wish you well on your journey HG; there's lots of info and interesting threads on here. Keep up the good work and push yourself with encouragement.

    Warm wishes...Sara (Hugs)

  14. Just Sara
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    25 October 2016 in reply to sparkvark

    Awe...thanks Sparkvark!

    I'm so glad people can get something positive out of my ranting. You've given me some nice validation too.

    I've read some of your posts around and about; you seem on the ball and in touch with yourself and others. Good on ya'!

    Pop in now and then if you like; it'd be nice to hear how you're going too.

    Cheers...Sara xo

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  15. Just Sara
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    25 October 2016 in reply to Guest_322

    The D Bomb!!!

    Holidays with hair out and skipping the light fantastic!! Woo hoooo! You go D girl...

    You 'get' me...you so do...

    The 2nd Terminator Movie in my view is the best. But the 1st one has it's moments too and definitely a great soundtrack! Third one is a yawn compared. Next rainy day, pick up the first and 2nd instalments along with your fave snacks/drinks and a load of your friends. Put dvd's on a massive screen with a huge 'doof doof' stereo system, and blow the neighbours away...YAY!!!!!!

    Just see how you feel when the camera pans down Sarah Conner's bod while she's doing those chin-ups ok? Friggin' body chills pandemic!! Only if you see the 1st movie beforehand.

    Hope the study and assignments are going well. Wishing you all the HD's you can handle darling.

    Love ya...Sara xoxo

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  16. sparkvark
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    25 October 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Thanks Sara.

    Yeah you'd replied a couple of times to one of my old threads (which I can't bring myself to start back up again - sorry, wasn't ignoring you, I'd just torn too much of a thread-hole in what my intended topic was from the very start that it seemed impossible to stitch back onto topic). Plus I needed to find a profile pic for myself before I could post again haha :P

    Hope you're having a good day/evening.

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  17. Guest_322
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    25 October 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Sara,

    Aw back at you...

    And thanks! I appreciate the support 😊 Not long to go...less than a month before the summer holidays. Thank goodness!!!

    I'll keep the Terminator movies in mind for the holidays. Yeah, it would be fun to have a movie night with some friends ha, ha.

    And look at Healer girl and Sparkvark's posts! Your post (and thread) has clearly moved and inspired them.

    Keep doing you and I'm looking forward to wherever your next post takes us 😊

    Stay amaze!

    Dottie xxx

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  18. Just Sara
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    25 October 2016 in reply to Guest_322

    Hey Sparky!

    I know too well how a thread can go left of field and then some..I hear you. Really nice of you to pop onto my bloggy thread. This one has taken a few twists and turns along the way, but I'm still here and that's what counts.

    Hey lovely D girl!

    I've had a weird day of sorts; been playing silly buggers on here. Was on a real high at times, but I should've known it was too good to be true. Big crash tonight down to reality again; taken some med's so I may go off on a tangent when it kicks in.

    Knowing the future is crap! Did I tell you I used to do readings? I guess not. Last 15 yrs actually, though I've laid off since I had the breakdown. Our brains aren't built to know things up front, especially those of us with PTSD. Sarah Conner means more to me than people think. I did make mention of it very quickly in my speel about her. Future yadda yadda.

    Oh...there it goes...anxiety med's have rolled in. Took a bit more than usual tonight. Thing is, I cried for 2 hrs. Layed there sobbing thinking 'what's the use?' I needed smokes and went to servo. that got me out of the deep funk, but the remnants are still here.

    You know Dottie/Sparky, This blog is so important to me. I do my best to help others, btu this is just for my thoughts or chating to people who drop in for a coffee. 2500 characters goes so quick when life's a bitch.

    I learned about a third of the way through my 'apprenticeship' (readings) that the oddest of things was happening. I used to do past life stuff, then found each one came (future) true...exciting to begin with, but after a while I realised the burden was too great, and affected my attitude to life and daily living. I haven't done one for 2.5 yrs. God I'm seeeing doubel.dourbol. aanywho..a reaading I did on me a long time gago has begun to come true. It's not nice. I cna't pretend or froget. Sarah knows what it's liek. It changes people and decisions.

    I'm taking a risk tolling you.but secrets are cancers you knwo.

    Oh.. sdizzy's cra-cra for sure. But that's the thing. I'm not, just totaly vurdened. I hate beign this way, but mind rot sets in when I can't share my knownlidge. I wish I could undo it all.

    Itls a curse D. I nkow theres some frauds out theer, but I'm genuine and don't ask for monehy unliess they insist. I alswys get something out od it. That's werhe all my insight comes from. 'knwoign'.Horrinbel. I wish I oucld put me in hoepatal. I need control virionment. keep me safe.4o letters leeft.

    Goddbye..over and out

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  19. Just Sara
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    25 October 2016

    25oo lettersleft. again. I need to confess. I've seen end of world. It hurts lot a. Sarah knew., michel beil otold her. (actor terminator) Future man in present. I was told in mydream and visual story a log timeago. I've live d with it ever since. She thinks she prepared. but it sends her cra cra. Me too. Nuther thing..collective conscioursness. Our EMF lectro magnet field (aura) joins with othes We pick up electical signals and thought enter our midns but we thin k its us havign those htoughts.

    I felt m y mum 'hook' me with er attention seeking shit and i envisably cut the connection with scissors. She fell of her chair nad screamed. My sis lookd at me with azame-balls and 'knew' that hed heppened by me..I bleed desperate to talk bot this. but not many people are openn. There's scienivic conclusive evidnece. ive kept a ynfi ddlf,zkgds hrm .l,might go to brdyz\znpugjrd journal for 20 yurs. I knwo a way to avoid apocolyps. but addectiohi foyll fotfjxi;wm hsnesefedjlf,,,,,,,,,n to all tings unnatural is causign cofnlict/

    Thisng is dottie/sparky I'm always right, even tothe smalest detail. It shows itself as astory inmy head.a movie like phenomonyn. falling sleep. I like being off headwith out of it sensation.I like ti a lot.may be it could invisbl. Falling alsoop as we Ocae ism y companionlgotta go,. messa de k sixhinvuxzll

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  20. Guest_322
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    26 October 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Sara,

    Aw things certainly have taken a turn for you. The emotional nosedive must have been shattering; falling from an emotional high is always painful. And a 2 hour sob is very long. Goodness, that would have been very draining but maybe you needed the release.

    I get that you personally identify with Sarah Conner on multiple levels; she's very important to you.

    You've had quite the evening...I think severing ties with your mum is a huge deal. Even if it was for the best, it would still have been/is a very painful experience. Hugs to you, Sara. Rough night indeed.

    I have to admit that I'm worried about you. Is if okay if you write again to let us know how you're going when you're feeling up to it?

    Super duper hugs! Stay amaze.

    Here for you.

    Dottie xxxxxxx

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  21. Just Sara
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    26 October 2016 in reply to Guest_322

    I'm embarrassed and shocked at my last posts...incomprehensible!

    I'm sorry for worrying you Dottie; you too Sparkvark. The last thing I want to do is create posts that alarm and put a damper on my motivation to enlighten through this thread. But what is done, is done.

    I'm doing ok..I called a friend this morning to talk and bought my deep, life long problem to the fore. As it turned out, it was the 'abnormality' of silliness and youthful, playful feelings of yesterday that triggered me. It's so odd to feel 'good'. Go figure?

    When I was 16 a group of my friends and I went skinny dipping at our local lake. 23 young girls gallivanting naked in the middle of the day while wagging school, was a memory I'd forgotten. Yesterday was reminiscent of those times. The feeling I mean, not the nakedness. lol

    I won't go into detail of how those feelings came about, but I now know I have a baseline to compare when it hits again, and not to worry. It's perfectly normal to be silly and stupid when my spirits are up.

    Medication has its place with anxiety and depression, but I've learned not to get on here and vent...lesson learned.

    Take care and have a great day D girl...Sara xoxo

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  22. Guest_322
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    26 October 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Sara,

    No need to apologise; it's all good 😊 I mean, this is your thread and your journey so there are bound to be moments of rawness and vulnerability. I mean, that's part of the beauty of this thread, right?

    I'm glad you're doing okay and have been reminiscing. Yes, fun and silliness can be great! But it would understandably be quite an adjustment if fun and silliness hasn't been on your radar in a while. I recommend more fun and silliness to remedy that 😉

    It's okay. No harm done- please don't stress about it ha, ha. We all still love you and think you're amaze!

    Dottie xxxxxxx

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  23. sparkvark
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    26 October 2016 in reply to Guest_322

    Exactly what Dottie said. It's all good. It's your thead, and it's ok, and even good, to post what you're authentically feeling and thinking at the time even if it's while having effects from medication. No one's going to judge you for it here (and if they do, they'd better check themselves before they wreck themselves!).

    Glad to hear that you had a chat with your friend and have figured out some of the contributors to the trigger. You're better placed to address it next time a similar situation occurs, and seeing that sort of learning path will help anyone else who comes across the posts.

    Hope you can experience more of those fun, youthful silly feelings without the side effects :)

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  24. Just Sara
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    27 October 2016 in reply to sparkvark

    Hey Dottie and Sparky;

    Thanks heaps for the wise words and encouragement! I'm a better person because of it. My heart goes out to you both, as well as my support for 'your' day to day life. I'm here for you too ok?

    Pushing myself..

    How easy it is to find an excuse or issue to sidetrack the mind from getting on with things. I look at my list of 'to-do's', and grope around my head for something other than what lies in front of me. What usually comes to mind is analytical crap. "I might 'think' about this first before I do it" What a cop-out!

    One of my fave activities is getting on here and immersing myself in others problems. It is of course an important aspect of my day, but there needs to be a time-frame and some restraint. There are so many people I want to help, then I'm gone from 'me' and it's all over rover; the day I mean.

    At the moment, it's the gym and promoting a healthy diet/lifestyle. No biggie with the planning and prep, but getting off my big bum for the 'doing' can be arduous. I've become so accustomed to sitting at my PC, coffee in one hand and smoke in the other providing much needed 'company' for my loneliness.

    As many have stated on this site, thinking of ourselves 1st and foremost has to be learned. So pushing myself to get out there and look after me 'for' me, can trigger PTSD to rise.

    I keep looking at my profile pic to remind me of how I want my body to represent my inner strength. Intent and motive is similar, but not so life threatening; though it does seem that way sometimes.

    I mean, it's a simple enough concept let's face it. But the addictive factor of simple carbs being my drug of choice since childhood, has bought me to my knee's at times. That crutch; an easy available go-to for little people to find endorphin's, triggers battle scar's and fear of losing what kept me going back then.

    Finding my silly bone this week, show's there's other avenues of enjoyment replacing addictive behaviour. Also, reminding myself, it's a life long habit that can't be eradicated in one foul swoop..gentle, patient..

    My body does reflect my life; decades of self injurious behaviour and neglect, and it needs to end. I won't look like 'her', but I might just feel that good.

    Raising my coffee in the air...here's to the next 12 months!

    Sara xoxo ;-D

    1 person found this helpful
  25. Guest_322
    Guest_322 avatar
    1660 posts
    27 October 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Sara,

    Any time 😊 We look out for each other here.

    I think pushing yourself while simultaneously being gentle and patient with yourself can be a tricky balancing act. Not impossible but maybe it just takes time and practice.

    As you once wisely said, old habits die hard. I mean, the coffee, immersing yourself in others' problems, smokes and carbs (yummy btw) didn't suddenly become coping mechanisms for loneliness and/or pain overnight; they took time to develop into ways of coping. So unlearning/replacing those old ways of being will also take time. As you said...gentle, patient...

    It must be hard when you try to do things for yourself and the PTSD monster strikes. That's really rough; it must make it that much more difficult to take care of number 1.

    For what it's worth- and you know this already- you do deserve to take care of you. Easier said than done (especially with your PTSD) but maybe channel some of the same love that you give to others inward. Just a thought 😉

    My main coping mechanism is music plus a couple of other less healthy ones ha, ha. I almost had a mini meltdown today when my earphones died . Luckily, I found some cheap new ones- crisis averted!

    Yes, here's to the next 12 months indeed! Speaking of coffee...I'm drinking it at 10:30 at night ha, ha.

    Virtual hugs. Stay amaze!

    Dottie xxx

    1 person found this helpful
  26. sparkvark
    sparkvark avatar
    93 posts
    28 October 2016 in reply to Guest_322

    Hey Sara, it is indeed very easy to get sidetracked and do other things instead of the thing that we'd like to have as a priority. I'm having the same issue myself. What sometimes works for me is to try to immediately do the thing as soon as I remember it, rather than giving any time for other thoughts or excuses to set in. Sometimes works, sometimes doesn't.

    Dottie - Glad you got some new earphones! Last time I had to replace mine, I put up with only 1 side working for almost a month. :P

    Dottie and Sara - you're both right about the 'gentle and patient' thing. Can be difficult to put into practice, but maybe the more it's practiced, the more natural it becomes.

    How are you both doing today?

    2 people found this helpful
  27. wantalife
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    wantalife avatar
    82 posts
    28 October 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Dizzy, "Sara" your one of the half dozen I've tried to keep contact with and for good reason, I tread carefully who I try to maintain contact. Interaction-Ina similar to mixing paint blends to form what was an individual to a group to collective and within an effort to feel a sense of identity often many will bend their inner judgment, belief, actions, and self to maintain this sense of belonging.

    The post you provided was so well written, so close to truth for so many (Unless I mis-understood) am pretty blown away. It's awesome.

    I believe within social infrastructure it's essential, and trying to word without labeling there need to be sheep, and for the most part....most are quite happy to run the course of their life as an environmentally conditioned mirror image.

    This is what makes it possible for some to stand as independents (True Independents) observe as one may view the habits of an Ant Colony and gain an incredible awareness.

    A minority of course as if all only had reliance and internal only dependence of recognition am thinking really would bring true to life the word Anarchy.

    Stepping aside however as you mentioned is quite fearful, believe does increase anxiety and perhaps a depressive state especially at times in which in a social environment you become part of a conversation you so clearly know is wrong yet fearful of being Alienated as Majority Does as a Flock of Birds turn as do the others.

    I better stop before it becomes a Novel but great post and just think it's great we are different but a waste if we all act the same and if expectations of who we should be comes from others is shame.

    2 people found this helpful
  28. Just Sara
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Just Sara avatar
    3398 posts
    28 October 2016 in reply to wantalife

    Hey Nick;

    I feel privileged you've popped in here to contribute. I love your long novel's as you call them; sometimes they're short and leave me hanging for more. So thankyou..

    Your words;

    • 'Interaction-Ina similar to mixing paint blends to form what was an individual to a group to collective and within an effort to feel a sense of identity often many will bend their inner judgement, belief, actions, and self to maintain this sense of belonging'

    Collective consciousness is a fascinating concept and you've nailed it..so well done. Individualism and self realisation come into play with each word you followed with. Your metaphor 'blending paint', describes this phenomenon, but without our evolving ability to separate.

    Human's primal survival depended on the collective. Each person was born to fulfil a specific role and was trained from birth to support the whole. However, modern society has bastardised this very workable practice, into 'chasing the dragon'; escaping the reality of not knowing who, why or what we are.

    Leaving behind our 'sheep' and 'ant' mentality to become an independent identity, flies in the face of the primal and reptilian human brain. Society and money is leading the way with this and our biology is trying to keep up. It's no wonder we struggle to 'find ourselves'. However, our intellect and ability to analyse, has evolved and can be a mighty force as you've shown.

    The primal and rational sides of us are at war. Individualism and identity are crucial now to bring back balance.

    I believe that's why there are so many suffering the affects of mental health issues; we've lost touch with nature and instinct. And, as we all know, nature can't be screwed with..she win's hands down.

    I bloody love your deep thoughts Nick...I hope you have the ability to put words into action. I'm on that journey; it's a hell of a ride, but what would life be without tragedy, loss, baby's, death and love etc? Stagnation without learning.

    Take care mate...Sara (Hugs)

    2 people found this helpful
  29. Just Sara
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Just Sara avatar
    3398 posts
    28 October 2016

    Hey D girl and Sparky;

    My brain has been a little challenged by Nick's reply so I won't post much.

    I will say though, that you've both contributed wonderful responses and I read them with inspiration. You 'get' what I'm saying and encourage with enthusiasm, as well as stories of comparing my life to your own. That gives me hope we all have similar struggles and gifts.

    We're not alone...Sara xoxo

    1 person found this helpful
  30. Guest_322
    Guest_322 avatar
    1660 posts
    28 October 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Sara,

    All good. No worries at all 😊

    Nick did write a very powerful piece. Pretty mind-blowing stuff...gets the brain juices going, that's for sure.

    I like what you said, Sara...different stories but a certain shared understanding and connection.

    Sparkvark, I can empathise with your earphone anecdote as that has happened to me before too ha, ha. Yeah, it's super annoying when one decides to stop working while the other one is still alive and kicking. I've had a bit of a rough day but no biggie. It's all good ha, ha. Hope you're doing okay yourself.

    Hugs to all!

    Stay amaze!

    Dottie xxx

    1 person found this helpful

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