How are you feeling right now?
It sounds like you've been really frustrated and feeling hopeless in the last day at least, if not longer.
I hope you don't mind if I just focus on one thing you said: "I feel entrapped by my moods."
This sounds so familiar to me, and probably a few others here too. When our emotions take control, it can feel very claustrophobic. Like that's all there is in the world.
The frustrating thing, when looking back in hindsight, is that we can also see how it becomes a cycle that we perpetuate.
I hope you don't mind me asking this because I don't mean it as a way of telling you off or shutting you down, but just because I want to understand better:
Do you find making the links between many instances of friends leaving or being alone, and then writing them here, helps you or not?
I ask because it used to be something that would often lead me down a worse path than if I'd tried to distract myself. I knew the links were there and that I needed to get better at certain things (still do), but if I started pulling more and more examples, it would just really get me down. Kind of like how someone without a limb doesn't need constant reminding that they're missing it. They just know.
I hope you don't mind me asking and if you don't know the answer, that's okay too. I just think it would help us as well to know how you want us to respond when you are trying to sort these things out for yourself, as there is clearly a lot of history that we don't know about, but which you have lived through.