hey james

so far it is working... I'm noticing bigger changes at a deeper level

those 2 dopes dont matter anymore tbh...

but i have to be patient... and not go over the top just yet

there is still plenty of work to do..

thanks though

:)

hey

posted this on SANE

I agree, depression does play havoc with our self esteem and meeting new people.
I don't think I love myself enough at this point and maybe this is what is holding me back? I often wonder why this is the case but then I think it is because I simply see so many people around me doing better for
themselves and getting places (particularly in the lead up to graduation). Just now I checked facebook and saw 2 people I know post updates about where they were heading in life... I just got majorly depressed because I'm still here.. not progressing.. and then I get even more depressed and annoyed at myself. I don't think I even see the happy non-depressed Hamsolo.. it's just an act that I put on. If I let my true feelings show then people would abandon me altogether. I'm just so anxious about my life over the next year tbh.. That's taking my attention away from socialising and making new friends and all that sort of stuff. I have no money and I have very little social interaction... so i am very depressed at the moment and I haven't got a temper to handle people's stupid concerns.. making me grumpy and annoyed at everyone.. because I'm just so worried and anxious over next year.. The reality is that I'm not going to be comfortable with who I am UNTIL I know what I am doing next year. Or at the very least, organising stable work that I can start ASAP in order to have a basis to work off of. But
even that is very hard. My degree requires so much god damn networking too... and I can't do that because of my anxiety and depression... so i just feel like a tragic loser who won't get anywhere in life because of his anxiety... a great mind wasted... On the positive side, I'm trying to build up rapport with one of my lecturers
to get him as a reference. Hopefully that helps. I might get some ideas from him actually.. ask him what I should do and where I should go.. actually yeh... might be a good idea for some ideas hey? Either way... Life is hard at the moment in the lead up to graduation. My independence won't ever suffer. That is something I value too much. It's so hard at the moment...

Wanted to post this here too because I need help as much as possible....

i want to hurt myself again..

I am worried and anxious every day that I will fail at life
I know I'm only young but I seriously feel like I will become a laughing stock of everyone... then everyone will say "i told you so"
I am sick of being so alone all the time.. I struggle to socialise... even though I know I can do it... Peoeple treat me different because I'm too tall...
I can't handle people anymore with their silly problems... people just abandon me and think I'm being rude or something... but I'm not... I'm just sick of stupid people and I'm also anxious...
I have no idea what to do with my life at all..
Every weekend is horrible. I have nothing to do except be on my own.
Rarely do things get organised and happen... I have nothing else to live for...
I have no proper job because my university timetable is terribly organised (beyond my control) and I have no money left... I feel like a loser who still depends on his parents for support...
I'm sick of medication...
If nothing gets offered to me at the end of the year (highly likely) then I'm going to end it.
I can't handle living like this.

Hi HamSolo01,

Sorry to read how you are feeling at the moment, I think part of the issue is you put so much pressure on yourself to keep up with people you see out or on Facebook... you have to try and remember that every single person is dealing with something and just because they do not post about it doesn't mean something isn't happening in their life, the more we try to compare the more we almost feel like we have failed because we aren't further along than that person or doing better than this person. The only person you are competing with is yourself and just trying to do as well as you can do. Your sole focus should be getting yourself better mentally and working on your career path, as you said dealing with other peoples silly problems at the moment won't help you. I have been there many times on weekends with nothing to do as I have struggled with friends my whole life so I know the feeling as well.

It worries me that you say if nothing get's offered to you by the end of the year then you are going to end it. Think about all the work you have put in to get to the graduation and pass, that is a huge achievement in itself, I know many graduates who struggle initially to get a job, it is not easy but just need to keep going and keep applying.

You said it at the start of your 3rd last post, you don't think you love yourself enough which is holding you back, I think this is true and the old saying goes, you can't love someone until you love yourself, you are doing so well, you need to keep the counselling up and just keep talking.

You have many people on these forums who care about you, so please keep talking.

My best,

Jay

Hi HamSolo01,

Your posts have thrown me. Last time you posted like this I took it seriously and freaked out and in the next few days your mood improved. So I'm not sure if you are trying to express how much pain you're in or if you are at risk.

Firstly...if you are going to hurt yourself do not be alone. You know what you need to do to be safe. So do it if you feel suicidal. Medical assistance and surround yourself with people.

I think it is time to go have words with your psychiatrist. Short term you can manage mood swings but long term they just exhaust you and it starts feeling hopeless (speaking from experience). So time to ask what the next option is because this works for a bit and then you hit a low over and over. Have you made it clear to the psychiatrist that the suicidal thoughts return frequently? If not he needs to know this.

Secondly, my psychiatrist told me I see my life only in the extremes. That if it isnt perfect it is catastrophic. Do you think you do this too? I see a hell of a lot of good and progress. You see hopeless. You are your own worst critic. Noone sees you how you see yourself. So please give yourself a break! You are ok just as you are.

More to come sorry...

Part two...

Thirdly, no amount of advice or pep talk or empathy is going to change the fact that it is YOU that needs to make changes to feel better. Noone can force you to feel hopeful and willing to try. Noone can decide for you to face your problems because they are personal.

Work for example. What do you want to do? Bugger the degree. What do YOU want to do? Have a long term plan. No use saying I want to travel but I can't because I have no money. Plan a working holiday. Backpackers do it here all the time. Or find any job and save with travel in 5 years time in mind. Not everything will happen now and thats ok. Everyone struggles with money. That is reality. You've got to be patient and stubborn and creative.

Intimacy keeps cropping up in your thoughts as a major problem. You need to address this because it is hammering your self esteem. Dory mentioned professionals. Personally I think asking a friend. Or make a conscious choice to abstain. Virginity is not the problem... How you feel about it is.

Anger... You have a lot of it. I'm not judging because I do too. But you do need to hear this... If you keep lashing out at people you will push them away. They won't leave because they don't care about you they'll leave because you are pushing them away.

Take the forums for example. Your last post you said if nothing had changed you would kill yourself. Can you see how others reading that would feel anxious and you're pushing us away? I felt like if I can't help you then you will take your life. It is a horrible hopeless feeling. Part of me recoils because I don't want to feel responsible for letting you down. And hopeless because it is up to you to take action we can only watch helplessly. Can you see this?

I'm not saying to stop expressing yourself. Just to look at what you say in terms of why am I lashing out? Am I self sabotaging again.
I'm sorry for the mum rant again. I do care. I am worried. But only you can take action to help yourself offline. We are your empathetic cheer squad.

Take care of yourself please HamSolo01.

i am over worrying aboutvwhat others think and feel... because i have been doing this for my whole life..

its gotten me nowhere

i mean it when i say i will end it all if nothing happens next year

its too late for anything to change.. so this is my last hope

my youth is gone and i wont get it back..

there is too much darkness i have to combat everyday and its a drag.. i will be alone forever and i turn 24 next week.. i dont want to turn 24..

i want to get into a graduate program because that will help with everything

self improvement bores me because i cant change... ive tried it all...

i dont see any worth in things and this is why i will end it if i dont get a graduate offer at the end of the year... its simple really

i know you probably dont want to hear it. but i dont care what people think anymore because thryv abandoned me already and i havent done anything..

ive screwed myself over and there is very little i can do to change it..

i will die a single depressed loner who struggled immensely at nothing and couldnt do anything... i dont deserve anything

Hi HamSolo01,

Right. I'm getting a bit angry actually. Because you are smarter than this. And it really feels like you're just giving up without a fight.

Go to the psychiatrist. Please! Show him the posts. Be blunt. I need your help! I am giving myself time frames for when I'm going to die. This is not ok.

I remember standing at the sink washing dishes and actually shaking my head randomly to try distract myself from the pity party. It would work for a second. And then the plans and thoughts came right back. I couldn't outrun these demons on my own. Self help is necessary but sometimes we just cannot do it without help.

All the self help in the world is not going to change how hard you're being on yourself. Ok so if you get a graduate position it might be ok... But more likely the self hate will move into another aspect. I'm tall. I'm anxious. I'm inexperienced. This is the illness speaking. Magnifying. Catastrophising. It's not how others see you!

So ask! Go to the people who are professionally trained in helping when it gets too much. Speak up! Try new meds. Try new therapy. Try anything! What have you got to lose if you're planning on harming yourself?

To the ER again if you can't get in contact with your psychiatrist or psychologist or GP. Do not let them send you away.

at the moment this forum is all i have

Hey Ham,

I seriously think your meds aren't right, it doesn't have to be this hard,we have all been through our own insane troubles, I am worried that you are being treated right. Also been given all the treatment ie classes etc.

You are very intelligent I hope you can feel better soon.

Dory😘

Hey HS,

i know things feel hopeless right now, but you know that objectively 24 is still so young. Please don't take this the wrong way because I mean it with the best intentions, but a graduate offer doesn't have to be your be-all-end-all. I think hardly anyone finds a full time job straight after graduating, let alone one in their field. And, again I can't stress this enough, 24 is still SO young. I was talking to one of my professors today and his son is 28, still doing his degree and he doesn't have a job lined up either. I don't mean to say that in a bad way either. What I am trying to say is that, you are not alone at all in your struggles; in fact, it's likely that a lot of your classmates and friends are in similar positions (which you may not know about because they don't want to tell other people about their struggles either).

And it's never too late to change. By the looks of your previous posts, you're definitely on your way with the self-improvement. So you definitely can change.

I hope things look up for you soon. Please stay safe, and if you feel like you can't do that for yourself then please call someone or be around someone and ask for their help to keep you safe.

- PL x

Hi HamSolo01,

My reply is caught up again. But the gist of it was like Dory said. Go see psychiatrist and demand new meds and help.

Take care of yourself please. We're not going anywhere so keep writing please if it helps you.

Hey mate

sorry your feeling this way I don't really have any advice for you right now, but I want you to know I'm here and I care, your not alone.

Nath

Hi HamSolo01,

I know you probably do not want to hear it but 24 is so young regarding jobs and careers, I had no idea what I wanted to do until my late 20's. I would love it if you could go back a few pages of this thread and read some of your previous posts and see how far you have come and that you can get through this very dark period in your life. You just need to keep fighting, fight for that graduate position, keep applying for different ones as well. Like Quercus said above, you do need I think to go back and see your psych, you do so much better after you have seen them as I feel like they help your sort through everything you are thinking and feeling.

You can get through this, we are here to help you get through this dark time as well. You deserve happiness just as much as anyone else.

My best,

Jay

Hi Hamsolo01,

I have read the beginning and last parts of your thread so that I could offer you some support. Life sounds crushing for you atm I hope you keep holding on.

I just want you to know I know lots of people your age in a similar situation. You are dealing with so much, maybe you could try and reframe your depression as if it were a physical illness, would you still expect the same things from yourself?

I think the pressures put on people our age are far too much for us to handle, but we have to measure things only against ourselves, the good thing is we get to define what success means to us.

I hope you talk this over with your psychiatrist and continue posting here about what you're going through. I hope things get better for you soon.

Em

Hi HamSolo01,

Things sound tough and your thoughts very dark at the moment.  There are many people here who care about you and are trying their best to support you.  We want you to be able to feel that you can express yourself here, but as Quercus has said, in a group support space like this we also need to be mindful about the effect our words have on others.  

Many of the people reading and supporting you are also struggling with suicidal thoughts.  It's really important when we have discussions here that after we've made space for acknowledging those thoughts and feelings, that we try and move the discussion forward to *how* we manage those thoughts and feelings safely.

One of the ways we can do this is by recognising the links between unhelpful thinking styles (which are a symptom of depression) and the effect these have on our feelings:

• Catastrophising - imagining the worst possible outcome in every situation
• Minimising - refusing to acknowledge your good qualities and only focusing on the (perceived) bad
• 'All or nothing' thinking - inability to see the shades of grey in situations, eg. if you are not 100% successful at something, then you are a complete failure

Can you see examples of some of these thinking styles in your posts above?  How might these be holding you back from seeing alternatives for your future?

Of course, sometimes going through the above can be too tiring when the thoughts are so full on and relentless.  At times like these, it can be better to distract yourself with other activities until the mind calms down (such as taking part in the BB Social Zone threads).

Acknowledging our dark thoughts is important, but dwelling on them can be unhelpful after a time.  

HamSolo, it's great that you've found the forum community to be helpful for you, but it's concerning to read that you feel you have no other supports.  Our community is not a substitute for offline or professional supports, and we would urge you to widen your net to help build some stronger foundations for support when things get really tough.  Our support service can provide you with some ideas on 1300 22 4636.  The Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467 is also a really great helpline for talking to someone when you're in the midst of a suicidal crisis and need to work through those feelings when they get overwhelming. 

A number of members above have expressed that they're at a loss on how to best support you at the moment.  It would be a big help if you could take the time to read through the replies above, acknowledge the members who have reached out to support you, and have a think about what we can do to support you here on the forums; and what supports it would be best for you to be seeking offline.

Hello Mitch,

I'll keep this short because I think the others have said what I want to say, but I'm just super happy to see all these people who want to see you get better.

You spoke to them in the cafe, and they've come here to your thread to check up on your story.

You're a person who people find interesting and caring and who people want to talk to and make sure he's okay. Hold onto that. Let them care about you, when you are struggling to.

James

Hi Mitch,

That seems like a great frame of mind - replacing 'but's with 'and's. Thank you for taking the time to respond to everyone.

I am trying to only grade myself against myself too, it's really difficult. For e.g. thinking - what is the best I can do with what is given to me? So I must not consider how life would be if I didn't have chronic fatigue for example, or if I grew up being more confident, or why I am not as successful as my friends etc. because this is just how my life has worked out and I can only deal with what is, improving things 1 small step at a time (and sometimes 2 steps back but that's how it goes).

My psychologist said to me - there is no point being ashamed of not coping in the past, how can you expect yourself to have the skills to cope when you had never experienced something like that before? it's kind of like when I first went rock climbing and was embarrassed because I was so much worse then everyone else - but I never had the opportunity to learn the same skills and strengthen my body as the others have so of course I would be terrible! You gotta start somewhere.

Good luck

Em

Hi HamSolo01,

Thanks for the update, I really hope the psych helps (usually you seem a bit more positive afterwards so fingers crossed!).

I'm sorry for the tough love but felt like it was needed. It was nice to see all of the different responses here for you. I hope it reminded you that you are valued.

How did your group therapy go (or have I mixed up the days)? Anyway psychotherapy time for me. Hard one today. Hope your session helps you. Have you got a reward planned? Croix told me this week to schedule something nice to reward myself for opening up and getting through a hard session. I thought it was a good idea. What do you think? Take care 😊

Nat

Hi HamSolo01,

I am so happy to come onto the forums this evening and read that you sound like you are in a much better headspace, it truly is nice to read.

How did the psych appointment this afternoon go for you?

I have also been meaning to ask, how the book you are writing is coming along?

My best,

Jay

Can't handle this....

Ham,

you are so very smart,you have so much going for you, you have a massive heart!

Its time my friend

Stop Being crap, no one can fix YOU but YOU!!!!!!

Come on you are a good person.

You can do it, fire up.

hard to fire up when i dont think i deserve goodness

i might be smart but theres no room for me around here anymore...

thanks

Hi HamSolo01,

There is more than enough room for you around here. You can get through this.

How has your weekend been?

My best,

Jay

Hi Jay

Thanks for checking in

yesterday was good, today was a bit of a challenge but i got through it (things didnt really go according to plan and i got the sh*ts with my friend because he buggered up but he understood in the end and its okay now)

just struggling as usual really though..

anyway.. new week starts tomorrow so new beginnings i guess

thanks again

mitch

Hi HamSolo01,

It's ok to have challenging days, its just as long as you keep pushing through them is the main thing. How was the start to the new week been? Always good to look at it as a new week, which means new opportunities.

How is the book you are writing coming along?

My best,

Jay

Hi HamSolo01,

Sorry I've been absent. Not feeling well.

How are you holding up? You've had a few crap days how are you managing?

The other day I stumbled across a thread I hadn't read (probably cos I'm too old) and saw the happiest passionate banter. I may have had absolutely no idea what you were all on about but it made me smile anyway.

You are capable of passion and interest have you considered trying to foster this love of Star Wars into your day to day life? There are so many people out there who could talk all day (I spose how I feel about gardening) the difference is I integrate my passion into every day and seek out people with a similar interest because it makes me happy and gives me a sense of purpose.

Just a thought. Surely there is a way to meet likeminded people?

Nat

Hey man,

How have you been doing in the last few days since your last post? I read a few posts up that you've been having a hard time. Remember what you said to me okay - you are enough, simply in existing. There will always be room for you.

Hope the last few days haven't been as hellish.

- PL x