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Forums / Long term support over the journey / I just feel like i have no chance..

Topic: I just feel like i have no chance..

  1. HamSolo01
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    820 posts
    13 March 2018 in reply to Quercus

    hey Nat

    Yeah I do feel calm. On top of it somehow. Today I feel pretty bad. Only just woke up. I am trying to wake up earlier but i think my meds make me extra tired and therefore end up keeping me asleep for longer. I think I will set an alarm earlier in the day.

    Flat.. Calm.. Idk lol. Whatever it is I guess it is working somewhat.

    My new psych has definitely helped me yes. Work has a bit - mainly because it means I get money and experience. I actually already hate the job because it is a student level one and I'm technically finished. For some reason uni is taking FOREVER to give my final marks out. Silly. Nothing I can do but wait unfortunately.

    That's a good plan I think Nat - finding posts that you can reply to and log off without it effecting you too much. Wise move.

    It was exhausting to use multiple forums I thought too. This is why I ended up giving it a rest on here. But I'm interested in reading up on other's experience and seeing what works for me and what i can say to others on here that may help them.

    thanks again Nat :)

    btw is your profile photo a fox?

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Quercus
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    13 March 2018 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi Mitch,

    I have a lot of respect for this...

    But I'm interested in reading up on other's experience and seeing what works for me and what i can say to others on here that may help them.

    I find part of my frustration with my mental illness is the cycle. Feel good, progress, self care, slide downhill, self care, progress, feel good again. The constant repetition gets to me.

    So I write. Many of the CCs don't have a thread they use (I do) but now I spend more time helping where I can than waiting and worrying about me. When I need to I use my thread and others help me. But the balance is I feel safe and useful here. Even now when I'm low I can reply and it helps me feel good about myself. I just have to be careful.

    So for you to feel ready to reach out to others I think is great. I've already told you before reading previous replies you don't give yourself enough credit for what you have to give others. Also have you looked into BlueVoices? I'm volunteering for a study at the moment. There are lots of ways to be involved.

    That said... No pressure in the slightest ok. You need to do what helps you. And right now if you're struggling it is ok to focus on what you need.

    Regardless of if you like your job it is experience. Use it to get where you want to be. It doesn't have to be forever just a stepping stone. This is just your start it will change.

    Haha sorry I find it amusing that you have written to me for so long and only now saw the fox 😊. Foxes are special to me.

    Anyway I had better go wake Miss 3 to go do the 30 min drive to school pick up. Bleh. Can't wait for this house to sell I live in the car lately.

    Be gentle to you today. The low/flat/meh feeling will pass you know it.

    1 person found this helpful
  3. BballJ
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    13 March 2018 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Sorry for my delay in replying to you, I haven't been on the forums the past few days since you posted and just caught up now, Quercus of course has been replying back as per usual, she is great.

    It sounds like you're doing much better that the post where you said you checked back into hospital. Minor set backs are ok, you just need to keep reminding yourself of that. I do hope you can stick around these forums more and continue to post. We enjoy having you here.

    My best,

    Jay

    1 person found this helpful
  4. HamSolo01
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    14 March 2018 in reply to Quercus

    What is blue voices Quercus? I can see that you have a badge above your profile pic.

    And yes, what you said here:

    I find part of my frustration with my mental illness is the cycle.

    Totally agree with you on this one.I also think this is something that characterises the mental health itself too. It's a "monster that eats its own crap" as I like to say.

    I brought my psych appointment forward this evening so that should help. I've also been accepted into a social anxiety group therapy which is good. Starts next week.

    I also thought of getting back in touch with the mental health charity i was briefly involved with in the past. But I think in order to help others, we need to be in a stable position ourselves. Yoda was only able to give Luke Skywalker advice on being a JEdi after spending time in isolation on Dagobah. Sorry, but I had to throw that archetype in there :P

    "Regardless of if you like your job it is experience. Use it to get where you want to be. It doesn't have to be forever just a stepping stone. This is just your start it will change."

    Very much so. The trick I think is remembering this fact. It's the hardest thing to remember.

    Yeah I didn't know exactly what it was. Thought it was a dingo. I've been associating it with you since I started on here so it's great to know it is actually a fox haha.

    Thanks again and take care :)

  5. HamSolo01
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    14 March 2018 in reply to BballJ

    thanks Jay

    Nice to "see" you again

    thanks for what you said and I totally agree with you about minor setbacks

    I needed to take a break from two forums at once. I even took a break from all of them while i sorted some stuff out

    I treat them as a kind of journal I think

    Either way, thanks for getting in touch :)

  6. BballJ
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    14 March 2018 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    That's ok, I think balancing between the two forums is good and just using one is fine too. It is finding the balance that works for you. What is important is that you know you are always welcome here and we will always be up for a chat.

    It sounds like you're doing so much better and that is great.

    My best,

    Jay

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Quercus
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    15 March 2018 in reply to BballJ

    Hi Mitch and Jay,

    I'll reply when I can about blue voices Mitch but basically it is a reference group for BB. They run a lot of activities memvers can participate in to share their lived experience.

    Jay I know you haven't been doing so well recently and I will get to your thread asap but I'm kinda losing the plot of late. Thank goodness for CMF looking out for both of us huh.

    Right well I'm a bit useless today so I'm logging off again. Far out this has to pass eventually.

    Hope you are feeling a little better within yourself Mitch (and you Jay).

    ❤nat

  8. HamSolo01
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    17 April 2018 in reply to Quercus

    Hey Thread

    Well I was going to post on here about where things are at and what I've been up to, however I have to say that it's a year today since I joined here. Wow. Coincidence much? There you go lol.

    I guess a review of where I'm up to now is in order. Well firstly, I have completed my course. Finally. Thank god. Received my completion letter recently and I'm very happy about having completed a BA course at University. Way back when I was completing my HSC I didn't know if I would ever be able to complete a course at a good university. I'm glad I pushed myself and as a result I have finished a course at a very decent university. Admittedly, my final marks and average were not great. My summer class brought me down a fair few marks into pass average. Initially I was on track to get credit average. That's life I suppose.

    I read my first ever post just now and say I've ticked off my "first kiss" too lol. Currently trying to meet with a girl I met through tinder (even though I hate it because it's so shallow) but I feel like we might connect on our mutual dissatisfaction with things but hey, it is what it is right?

    I'm part of a collective/network that is looking at fixing disability impairment and also helping students. So far we've got a presence on social media and I'm looking to start up a publication.

    Other than that, I have a job at the uni (even though I'm finished there) in the alumni services. It pays well enough and is better than nothing. Easy hours and dress code. I don't want to be there forever (Already sick of it tbh) but it's giving some good experiences in dealing with people and allowing me to craft my voice and speaking ability. Speaking of which, I want to get involved with that mental health charity too. The one I've mentioned in the past because I believe I'm in a far better place now.

    I recently signed up for a social anxiety group therapy but held back because it was making me worse. I had a trip to hospital in early April, late March which I can't recall if I mentioned on here. But overall it helped me reset.

    I'm off to Fiji in July with a project venture company to do aid type work so that's going to be great as well. Planning on spending a few days there afterwards too.

    Trying to get a routine with the gym going again but overall I'm in a better place.

    Having said all of that there newer TOUGHER challenges atm but I feel I can balance them better. More on that later.

    Hope you are all managing well enough!

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  9. james1
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    17 April 2018 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hello Mitch,

    It's great to see you here again and thank you for updating us.

    Congratulations on the things you've done and woop! for the first kiss too! Man, I just remember I was over the moon when I had mine, but I also had a sore front few teeth from banging teeth hahaha.

    Congratulations as well on completing you BA. I was doing a Bachelor of Arts as well and I loved it. I wasn't very good and didn't finish, but it was great. Good on you!

    It sounds like there's still a few things that are on your mind but you can tell us when you feel comfortable to do so. Otherwise, it's just nice to hear from you again and I'm glad to hear you are trying to celebrate what I think are some wonderful achievements. Like you say, looking back a year ago, things have changed quite a lot for you and it sounds like you've made some really positive steps.

    It may feel sometimes like things have stagnated, but we're here for the long haul, and you've certainly done a lot of great things in the last year.

    James

    1 person found this helpful
  10. HamSolo01
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    17 April 2018 in reply to james1

    Thanks James

    Appreciate your kind words. Means a lot.

    I think I'm at a new place these days. Certainly not perfect or anything but different. A new set of challenges in other words.

    Onwards and upwards

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  11. james1
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    18 April 2018 in reply to HamSolo01

    hello mitch,

    Thanks for your reply.

    A new and different place sounds like things are moving along. Let us know how you go over time.

    James

  12. HamSolo01
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    30 April 2018 in reply to james1

    Hi thread

    I am just dropping in to say hi and give you a bit of an update again. Also just to process things as they come in.

    The next couple of weeks will be about planning my 2018. Hopefully I can get some ground on where I want to go in life. I'm also on a steady dose of meds too so I'm hoping that keeps my depressive moods and anxiety in check.

    Apart from that I have some shifts ahead at work too. Pretty basic life for now but maybe I need it to be this way.

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  13. Quercus
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    30 April 2018 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi Mitch,

    There's nothing wrong with keeping life simple and taking small steps to help yourself.

    I find too that focusing on the basics is a good way to manage my dpression too.

    It is easy to get lost in ideas of making dramatic changes and radically changing. But sometimes that makes things worse (feeling like a failure when it gets overwhelming is a good example).

    Compared to your initial posts you sound a lot more relaxed which is good to see.

    I'm sorry I didn't get back to you about blueVoices or reply to your recent posts. Things have gotten a bit overwhelming here too and I've resorted to my usual... Reply to new members and that's about it.

    I hope you are feeling ok.

    1 person found this helpful
  14. james1
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    30 April 2018 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hello Mitch,

    It's good to hear from you.

    Basic is good. It's manageable and it gives you time and space to deal with troubles as they arise.

    Personally, I don't do much planning for the year. I find it puts too much stress on me, but it sounds like you want to have a bit more structure.

    I have a friend who's always got a 12-month outlook - what does he want to change in the next 12 months?

    I think it's good for him to have that because he does so many things and has so many interests, he can get a bit unfocussed and he's very output driven. That kind of life is not for me, but I think even he tries to be a bit more flexible by having it as a constant 12 month outlook rather than a 2018 outlook. So there are never end-goals, only things to get better at.

    Have you heard of systems vs goals?

    James

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  15. james1
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    30 April 2018 in reply to HamSolo01
    Sorry, I should probably clarify that I am not suggesting you change what you are doing at all! You've come a long way since you joined us initially. It just occurred to me that some of the things you were talking about were things I was talking about to the friend I mentioned.
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  16. HamSolo01
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    820 posts
    30 April 2018 in reply to Quercus

    Hey Nat

    Nice to hear from you. I briefly checked up on your personal thread to see how you were. Totally understand where you are coming from in relation to bluevoices. I've been somewhat all over the shop so best not to try to help others I would say. But all good.

    I think radical changes would never have worked on anyone. I'd they did then all therapists would be radically changing people lol. Putting themselves out of work.

    Yeah I feel more relaxed because things are a tad more ordered atm. Have work. Have volunteering capacity. Have a few things planned later in the year. So I do feel better about myself. Hence I feel more relaxed I guess?

    Was talking to mum about it lately and I said I nearly had a relapse by going to hospital. I said that things are a bit better than what they were but there is still room to improve. Ideally I want to be in a place where there are more things that could be worse than things that could be better. Going back to hospital a month ago now actually reset my system a hell of a lot.

    Take care Nat

    - Mitch

    1 person found this helpful
  17. HamSolo01
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    30 April 2018 in reply to james1

    Hey James

    Basic indeed :)

    Yeah you are right about more structure. I just need a bit of it and I think I will be happier/better off. It takes time though. Like most of this 'life stuff'

    No end goals just things to get better at? Good point.

    And yep all good. I knew what you meant haha

    Take care

  18. james1
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    1 May 2018 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hello mitch,

    Yeah I just found the whole idea of systems vs goals really interesting. Obviously it's not a straight, "systems are always better" answer, but certainly when it came to mental health I thought that would generally lend itself better to a system approach.

    How to be mentally healthy vs get mentally healthy in 1 year.

    Goals certainly didn't work for me, whereas developing healthy habits - not being impulsive, not being restrictive, not being too hard on myself, not allowing myself to overthink - just eliminating bad habits essentially, really helped. It meant there was never a "milestone" where I wasn't depressed anymore, no occasion to celebrate, except for the fact that I suddenly realised I was pretty happy.

    I dunno. I guess it was just something interesting that I'd never really read about or thought about before, but it somehow applied to my own journey. Guess I'm hoping that some of the healthy habits you're working on too will help you in the same way.

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  19. HamSolo01
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    2 May 2018 in reply to james1

    hey James

    well said

    "Goals certainly didn't work for me, whereas developing healthy habits -
    not being impulsive, not being restrictive, not being too hard on
    myself, not allowing myself to overthink - just eliminating bad habits
    essentially, really helped."

    I agree. I think these are important things to focus on. I have been doing a bit of that too and it definitely helps.

    I think this is something I actually want to focus on in the next couple of months before I go overseas in July.

    Thanks for the insight :)

    Hope you have a good day today

  20. james1
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    3 May 2018 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hello mitch,

    Yes, I've definitely seen that you've tried to put some more healthy habits in there like being more open with those close to you, signing up to the meet ups, applying for jobs to help bring in some money and fill the time.

    Those are only some of the things, and it's really good to hear that you'd like to keep trying to rebuild a lifestyle that works for you.

    There've been a few set backs, but it's all part of learning what works and what doesn't.

    Sorry, you may have mentioned before - where are you going in July? Is it a holiday?

    James

  21. HamSolo01
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    3 May 2018 in reply to james1

    Hey James.

    Building lifestyle that works for us is good. I think the test I have been facing lately is whether or not I can set certain goals 'because' of my mental health or 'despite' my mental health.

    You know it's funny because today I recently changed my Facebook picture and people were saying I looked good. People joke about my looks. It's hard to tell if they are serious or not because I was teased when I was young and so sometimes it just brings it back. I second guess it all. Bullying is the worst yeah?

    I honestly don't see it and it's simply because of the years of being in the loop of ill mental health. The other thing is that people just don't know the inside battle that rages on in my mind. The work I've been doing with my psych has definitely helped lately. Been reading well too. Really want to sharpen my mind, my reading ability and my writing ability.

    I am heading to Fiji in July with a projects venture. For a month. It's like aid work but a bit more involved.

    I'm currently working towards getting a full time job so I can move out. Can't til after July lol but fair trade off I think.

  22. james1
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    8 May 2018 in reply to HamSolo01

    hey mitch,

    Because of/Despite mental health...not sure. When I was really bad, everything seemed to centre around my mental health. Days were bad because of my mental health. Good days were amazing despite my mental health. Nothing ever felt normal because everything carried the "mental health" tag.

    At some point, this stopped. It wasn't that I wasn't struggling or that I didn't care about my mental health, it just seemed like I started focussing on my life and how that could improve my mental health, rather than fixing my mental health to improve my life. Just a massive weight off to be honest.

    So yeah, I get what you mean about how that can come up a lot. I imagine being complimented about your looks would also get those questions firing too, just to add to the thoughts you have from when you were bullied.

    but hey, you're doing a lot of things to improve your life right now - psych, job, work, Fiji. That's awesome stuff.

    I have a friend who is 26 like me and he's not even thinking about moving out. He's also had pretty bad luck with the ladies, and working in a job he doesn't like. So he's definitely not where he wants to be in life, but he's applying to go on a tv show and catching up with friends when he can. I dunno. I guess what I'm trying to say with this story about my friend is that people usually aren't where they want to be, and it's really just about making the most of it.

    btw, I think you'd enjoy reading an article i read the other day. You might be able to google it. it was about changing images of men and masculinity, and research done by looking at the most viewed stock images. google The old school image of Aussie males is now out

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  23. HamSolo01
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    10 June 2018

    Afternoon thread

    I was posting in the Isolation for Men thread that popped up recently and thought I'd jump on here for a bit of an update.

    I have been relatively okay. Today I'm pretty crap though. I'm trying to come to terms with the relationships stuff. I've joined those sites and apps and have been chatting to some girls but then things never eventuate. I think it's just the nature of the beast that is dating apps. I sometimes think I must appear competent, together and sophisticated and then when I tell them what I studied and what I plan on doing it is met with a bit of concern and bewilderment. Does that make sense? I present in one way, and end up being something different.

    It's not like I'm lying about who I am. I guess it's just the nature of who I am vs the nature of dating apps.

    Anyway.

    Work is work. Hating it but I'm resilient enough to put up with it. I didn't do any shifts last week. Will probably do 2 or 3 this week. Need the dough. I've got the experience downpat. Time to move on but I can't seeing as I will be going away in July to Fiji on the projects venture. Not sure if i spoke about that on here?

    My plan for life at this point is to do what I gotta do before I go away. Then go away. Come back and reassess where I'm at and what I can do with the experience and lessons I learn from my trip away. It's not a holiday after all. I'm treating it like work. That's more or less what it is anyway.

    I think I will journal each day what I did. Just a paragraph or two. Both for sentimental value as well as being able to put it into a resume when I get back.

    So yeah. Same old same old I guess. I've been going to meetups too which has been good. Particularly one for people my age group and I've met similar guys who have similar problems with Mental health and anxiety. That's been good.

    I see my psych this week so I'll be raising some concerns I have about my time away with him and also about the relationships stuff.

    Been listening to a lot of psychology lectures on personality and reading some good stuff which is helping a bit too.

    Other than that, not sure what else to add haha.

  24. HamSolo01
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    11 June 2018

    Well I kind of wish I had waited maybe 4 hours until I posted that update

    I am now rescheduling Fiji due to my mental health

    Thing is, I have realised the only way my mental health will improve is if my life improves. By focusing on finding better work suited to me, building up my social esteem (which still has growing to do despite the fact that I've improved) and getting finances in order. I think going overseas is too soon. Particularly now that it's going to be a pretty intense workload when I'm there (emotionally, physically and socially). I'm simply not at that stage yet.

    Reassessing priorities and what needs doing is essential in all of this. This is what I did last year. Same lesson really.

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  25. Quercus
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    11 June 2018 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi Mitch,

    Nothing wrong with reassessing priorities and giving yourself time. Fiji isn't going anywhere. When you are ready you will go.

    I think I'm slowly learning the need to reassess your life is a neverending process. I think I'm doing well and then without fail will realise the ground I'm on is not as stable as I thought.

    Reassessing is not failure... It's self preservation and care or whatever the buzz word is at the moment.

    I like your posts on Tony's men isolated thread. Regardless of you reassessing yourself this time laat year you hadn't branched out on the forums. Progress. Good for you.

    Nat

  26. HamSolo01
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    11 June 2018 in reply to Quercus

    Thanks Nat

    I agree. The need to reassess is neverending. I'm glad to hear you are doing well enough. Keep it up!

    Yeah I hadn't branched out. I think it's because I didn't really find much on there that I could relate to. The thread at the moment about men isolated is really good though. Hopefully more crop up that I can relate to as well soon.

    My dating life is still non existant haha. But that's okay. I've been trying to make progress with it by joining some dating apps. So far I've matched and been able to chat at length, but it's kind of fallen by the way side a bit. Never really progresses despite my best intention and me asking her out but that's all part of the nature of the beast I suppose.

    I might honestly duck over to the US for a 2 week stint now that Fiji won't be til later in the year. Before I do that though, I need to get a stable job happening maybe. At least there are some things on the horizon.

    The trick will be making sure I don't fall out of the routine or the searching. Perseverance will be key for that.

    Thanks for stopping by and looking forward to chatting to you a bit more on here now.

    Mitch

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  27. james1
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    12 June 2018 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey Hamsolo,

    It's nice to hear you found the men isolated thread useful to post on and that you could relate to it, but perhaps not relate to many of the other threads.

    Is that because your primary issue is really around sex and relationships?

    You've spoken about anxiety and work and finances and even body image, and all these things are not predominantly male things. I am asking because if that is what you want to talk about, it's certainly something I connect with even if my own experience has been more...fortuitous?

    I am sensing a slight reluctance on your part to tell us more about how you feel regarding sex and relationships, or that perhaps you may be downplaying how much it is on your mind. Please tell me if I am wrong. I don't know whether it's right to focus on these things, but while the rest of your life seems to have been improving with the meetups and work and the trip you had planned, sex and dating seems to come back repeatedly. I don't really want to air my thoughts on the men isolated thread because, for me, it's a one on one talk and that thread feels more open.

    Anyway, just thought I'd drop that offer to speak more candidly here if you want. I could be barking up a completely wrong tree though :)

    James

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  28. HamSolo01
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    12 June 2018 in reply to james1

    Hey James. Nice to hear from you mate. HOw are you?

    I laughed at your use of the word fortuitous. This describes my experience as well I must admit.

    When you said this, "I don't know whether it's right to focus on these things, but while the rest of your life seems to have been improving with the meetups and work and the trip you had planned, sex and dating seems to come back repeatedly." I think you are right.

    You might be right about that I think. Whilst everything is slowly coming together, that part is still very vague and odd. A lot of this comes back to my experiences in the church and religious circles I was involved in whilst growing up. I think I've mentioned that a bit in the past. I've had to come to terms with it. I see my psych tomorrow and I might raise this whole issue with him actually.

    I don't think it's my "primary issue" per se however. If anything, it's a symptom of a greater problem - acceptance of myself and self confidence in who I am as a young man. I think sex and relationships are just a part of my life in the way everything else is, I'm not sure it's healthy to think about one part of your life as a separate "thing" if that makes sense?

    I think its the intimacy part that's more pressing at this point. Not so much the sex. I mean I wouldn't know lol but I do think it'd be hard to separate sex and intimacy for me on a personal level.

    Good questions though James. Food for thought

    Anything you could add haha?

  29. james1
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    12 June 2018 in reply to HamSolo01

    hey mitch,

    I am well :) just mega busy at work so I don't post nearly as much as I used to.

    Yeah that makes sense to me about how sex and relationships are a big part, but not the primary issue.

    I agree with you that acceptance of yourself is likely the wider problem. Is it that having an intimate relationship feels like it's necessary for you to accept yourself and have confidence? So even if you were to look at your entire life and realise that you've come so far in so many aspects, not having been in an intimate relationship just trumps all that?

    I saw you posted about the "incel movement" in the men isolated thread. I find the group quite interesting even if I really dislike the sense of entitlement. But at the same time, I think the group does highlight not only how many young men feel about the importance of a sexual relationship, but how needing it and not having it can feel so emasculating.

    So not to toss a spanner in the works, but I do think that talking about it can be helpful in a way, as long as we do it respectively which I don't think the "incels' do.

    For example, a close mate of mine who is 25 had sex for the first time a couple of months ago. We have spoken a few times about sex even before his first time. I remember our chats before were centered mostly around attitude to sex and intimacy and that he really wanted to, but only with the 'right girl'. Even though we'd joke that with his non-existent relationship history it was going to be a long wait, I think those chats just helped him get it off his chest.

    For me personally, sex almost scares me (I'm scared of passion) but I really crave intimacy. When I have been out of a relationship, I really struggle because I don't have that intimacy and I am reminded whereever I walk or go of other people's intimate relationships. I am also reminded of my own unfulfilled desires because I see people who I know I would not have a chance with. And once I'm on that tangent, it becomes a self-critique.

    I think it is really hard and I don't really have a solution except to talk about it. The more we talk, the more we normalise our experience.

    Sorry, I think I have just dumped some stuff on you. Obviously I feel quite strongly about this topic haha. I don't know if any of that is relateable!

    James

  30. james1
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    12 June 2018 in reply to HamSolo01
    Oh also, I should probably note that I don't really want to talk about the incel group. I think all the issues with the group are pretty obvious to us and it is not a group I like. But issues aside, they are coming from both a sense of entitlement and hurt, and it's the hurt which I was talking about.
    1 person found this helpful

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