Past two days have been really tough
It just feels like I'm wasting all this time and I could actually BE better rather than GETTING better. But I guess it's a process?
I must be one of those people who worry when things are not happening. Guilt tripping myself into feeling like I'm not doing anything important.
At the moment it feels like I'm going nowhere with my degree. Even though I've reduced to part time study, it's still bugging me because it feels like I'm not going to have anything to show for it. I guess it's a good thing that I now have time to figure that out over the next 6 months while studying part time (and hopefully doing that airport thing if i get it).
At the moment I feel like money is a big problem. I want independence but then I can't work because of my anxiety levels and depression. Yet. I think I'll get to that level eventually. But in the mean time working on boosting my CV is probably the best thing.
I need to balance not knowing where i'll end up with my degree with my anxiety over not knowing where I'll end up. I guess no degree guarantees work after you graduate. But then with something so general - like what i've studied - it's even worse. This is when I begin to feel depressed and upset and sometimes suicidal. It's good that I'm able to identify the thought chain and where it starts though I guess. The same can be said for relationships/dating and the same can also be said for friendships. I'm not 100% isolated so that's good. It just feels like I could be doing more or something. I guess that's the nature of the anxiety.
If i was to compile a list of things I should be doing and another list of things I want to be doing, then the latter will be longer.
I should be: Exercising regularly (on track to make it 3-4 times a week at gym), eating right (even enough is problematic at times but that's changing slightly), meds (no problems there), sleeping right and better (trying to cut technology out at least 1 hour before sleep but it's proving hard).
I want: To do all the stuff I should be doing and more. I want more money, I want more friends, I want success, I want security, I want my anxiety to go away, I want to finally get a gf, I want to be happier and I want to smile and laugh more.
It's just tough at the moment because I go one place in life and all this crap just triggers my negative thinking. But that's the nature of it I guess? Just need to manage it and also remember what I DO have not what I DON'T have.