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Forums / Long term support over the journey / I just feel like i have no chance..

Topic: I just feel like i have no chance..

  1. BballJ
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    4 June 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    What a great, positive post you last ones was, you said I'm simply in a time of adversity and all I need to do is accept that... that is amazing and I like that you said that... we can all use the quote and I guess relate it to all our mental health struggles. That's one thing to remember here, all of us are here because we suffer from a mental health issue of some kind and having these conversations help us all... you never also know who is reading and doesn't want to post but reads what you write and is relating to you and are taking strength from your posts and what you write so it is great.

    You seem to have made heaps of progress and I am sure the new psych will help keep pushing that along. You are who you are and that is just fine... I believe you will slowly start to gain self esteem when you keep accepting your personality and choices and own them and say "this is me and I am happy"

    My best,

    Jay

    1 person found this helpful
  2. james1
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    5 June 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey mitch,

    I love that you're trying to embrace what feels right, and not what you feel pressured to do. That's super awesome.

    The more you put yourself out there and keep getting up, the more people will take notice. Stick to your guns and that progress will keep on progressing. :)

    James

    1 person found this helpful
  3. HamSolo01
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    5 June 2017 in reply to james1

    Well that was short lived...

    Today I feel like I'm kidding myself. All this positive talk feels empty. I can't why this whole relationship business is getting to me so much lately... I really can't.

    I think I feel like I'm wasting two things. My youth and my character. I hate social anxiety for what it has done to me and I hate depression as well. I really just don't know what is wrong with me :/

    It feels like I'm just floating along and I'll just keep doing this until nothing changes..

    Then I hit 32 in 10 years time and I end up nowhere...

    It's dark as...

  4. BballJ
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    5 June 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Sounds like a bad day, one thing I have noticed in your threads is that you go up and down with your emotions which is totally fine and very common with mental health. You do bounce back quite strong so try and remember that, on days like these especially.

    Did anything happen that bought these feelings on? Or was it just thinking about it all that got it to this point?

    My best,

    Jay

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Quercus
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    5 June 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    ​The joy of the anxiety and depression whispering in your ear hey. Yep get that. I have a good day everything is back on track I'm on top of the world. Everything is going to get better. And then the fall.... I was kidding myself. Nothing is going to change. The dark thoughts come creeping back in...

    Time to see the psych or psychiatrist. Talk openly about the mood swings. Ask about your meds and options. More frequent sessions with psych? Also... what are your triggers? You had a few good days can you pinpoint what brought you down?

    Also. The positive stuff. When I feel down and anxious I can't see the good and positives but that doesn't mean they don't exist. I just can't see them at that moment. Just keep trying HamSolo01. Back to the little steps. Back to being gentle to yourself and keeping on trying.

    Sorry I'm not more use today but I am serious about sitting down and having a good hard think about triggers. It really does help to know what brings you down so you can recognise it when it happens.

    Take care of yourself

  6. HamSolo01
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    820 posts
    6 June 2017

    hey

    yeah these moments come and go hey...

    i think i like to think of my mental health as a sun. Go too far from it and i freeze but go too close and you burn. There's an "ideal" distance to have between me and the sun where its good.

    I like how you said that i should just accept that people may find things goid about me in the other post. That helped :)

    Mental health.... what a thing

    1 person found this helpful
  7. BballJ
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    6 June 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Mental health is a complex this. I really like the way you describe mental health on more than one occasion on your thread - what you said about it being like the sun was spot on. Very, very true.

    How has your past day been?

    My best,

    Jay

  8. Quercus
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    7 June 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    ​Just checking in to see how you are. How has your day been?

    I'm glad if something I wrote helped even a little. Have you been able to hold on to that today? That knowledge that others can see good in you.

    I'm feelig a bit dizzy tonight so am going to rest but I'll check in again tomorrow ok. Take care of yourself.

  9. HamSolo01
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    7 June 2017 in reply to BballJ

    hey

    yeah today is pretty crap

    i get really angry with myself for not having dealt with my mental health sooner. This is what usually brings about suicidal thoughts. Its all about how ive wasted 4 years of my life that should've been formative and enjoyable. The reality is that i hate the fact that im still single and that im sexually inactive and always have been. Im over hearing about how happy people are, and i dont care if they are lying. They seem to be happy and thats all. They could be deluded but so what.. Im sick of feeling like im going nowhere. I cant handle basic human interaction in a professional setting, the only exp i have with that is through tutoring and that counts for very little. Then it becomes a circle, where im annoyed that i havent developed this skill while at uni to make new friends and connections and network and that i havent used it to pursue romance either. Its incredibly tiresome, annoying and upsetting and spins into a cycle of self hate and loathing. Feels like ill just be like this forever and it wont go away. I hate mental illness for everything its done to me and i hate myself for not getting a handle on it. This whole perspective on things is what starts my cycle of hatred. I hate seeing people interact and be romantic to the point of where i feel sad and upset by it. Im really really really annoyed.

    Its also why i didnt take the job at the bookstore i applied for recently. I wont function right until i sort this stuff out. its so annoying and frustrating but i simply cant bloody operate in that environment. Yet.. It's incredibly annoying and i hate myself as it is and its made worse by this..

  10. Quercus
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    7 June 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    You're being way too hard on yourself again. Too critical. Ok so if you had taken the job at the bookshop and fallen apart do you think that would be the first time someone hasn't coped at work? I had a massive meltdown at my work sobbing in front of my collegues and what happened? Nothing. It's been forgotten already. The same with you. Yes you'll stuggle but at least you can say you tried.

    I was the same at uni didn't have a clue how to sell myself or speak to people. My friend got me a job at the store she worked. The first few weeks were terrifying and then I realised it wasn't so bad. Then realised I was good at sales. It's about small steps. Force yourself to make one small step and stick with it until you build some confidence.

    Same goes with relationships you've just got to keep trying. If you're not even out where you can meet someone it won't happen. So think of what you enjoy to do. And go and enjoy yourself. Go swim laps in the pool and use the walking lane for a warm up. Or take your dog for a walk. You'd be surprised how many people will be open to a chat if you are welcoming and enjoying yourself. Plus you can practice talking to people ☺.

    Most of all HamSolo01 we're back to you forgetting the thing you need to take as a given... You are a good person and there are things others will find appealing about you. You've just got to give them a chance is all.

    2 people found this helpful
  11. james1
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    7 June 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey mitch,

    Some days are just rubbish man. Today seems to be one of them for you. :(

    Monday was my day of crap, but now it's Wednesday. I'm still exhausted from Monday, but Monday's past.

    That said, I get what you mean by feeling like you've lost a lot of time. 4 years is a long time, and feeling like you've missed out on a lot in that time sucks. I've been there too.

    My last relationship was 4.5 years and I lost that because I never addressed my mental health issues, despite having had the exact same problem 7 years ago.

    But I'm not 100% convinced we don't get anything from these experiences. There's a lot of learning we do and we probably weren't ready to learn it 4 years ago. The same goes for using uni to learn about interacting with different people. You used uni to learn other things. To develop other skills. Possibly even to pave way for this learning now - that some of the things you thought were important, weren't.

    But this is all part of the learning curve.

    You wouldn't begrudge a child for "learning" that they need to hold hands when crossing the road. We obviously don't do it as adults, but we did as kids. It was useful back then. It made sense back then.

    And just the same for the things we learn as we go now.

    I'm still learning that I'm not the same person as my mother. And that I'm not the same person as a romantic interest. You'd think this would be common sense, but it's not to me. So I'm trying to learn it now.

    You've still got time and you're an intelligent guy. Put bluntly, give yourself a break. You're doing really well to try and change your thinking, and all training will have set-backs. This is one of them, but it will pass, and you'll find a way to get moving again.

    James

    2 people found this helpful
  12. HamSolo01
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    7 June 2017 in reply to james1

    thanks again

    i swear you ought to charge me for your advice haha

    i do feel better this arvo i must admit

    i posted on the other forum and i think it sums up whats going down.

    ill copy it across

  13. HamSolo01
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    7 June 2017 in reply to HamSolo01
    i get really angry with myself for not having dealt with my mental health sooner. Thing is i have been, but just not enough or in a way that was conducive to change. It was more like i just kept acknowledging it was there and not trying to dig into it. Im really really really annoyed. But its good that im starting to realise this. My new psych will defs help as i can see that ive already gone a level deeper than i have in the past.Its also why i didnt take the job at the bookstore i applied for lately. I won't function right until i sort this stuff out. I was thinking that getting work would've improved my mental health however today i was presented with the opportunity to ring the people back but I still haven't - nearly put myself into an anxiety attack just thinking about working there. I need to accept my limitations. I must stop listening to garbage and start giving myself credit for achieving things DESPITE my mental health. My circumstances have changed a fair bit since the start of the year. I had two internships lined up and dropped out of 1, ive dropped a student from tutoring because i couldnt set work for them, ive stopped hanging out with people that dont care for me unless im drunk (more correct to say i stopped getting invited because i bailed once when i had an anxiety attack), i have now turned down a job offer and im now going to be back at uni next semester.All of those are great things to do and be involved in if you dont have mental illness. The opportunities they provide are great. They are awesome in fact. It begins to feel like doors are opening. But then reality sets in and i have to cancel stuff. I aim high because im capable of that level but i just cant quite hit it.. its like i miss the bar by a few centimetres.. All that work for nothing. But its all gains. Losses are not the same as missing a gains. If you build a house and forget the roof, youve still got a house. Just add a roof. No reason to knock the whole thing down.I must remember that i did one of those internships (got paid for it), still have 3 students i tutor, hang out with others when i can manage it, will hopefully take up a volunteering role with studynsw in july and ill be back at uni studying things im interested in.Yes, ive cancelled and withdrawn. But in all honesty does it matter? Yes they are opportunites, but they wont do me any good if im not any good deep down.
    2 people found this helpful
  14. james1
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    7 June 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Thanks for sharing that. You're right - it is a good summary of how things are right now for you. Couple of things I loved in your post:

    - My new psych will defs help as i can see that ive already gone a level deeper than i have in the past.

    Yes! And nothing can ever take away the fact that you have been able to do this. Who knows where it'll lead, but this has been hard, but superb, work to just find out more about yourself.

    - i didnt take the job at the bookstore i applied for lately. I won't function right until i sort this stuff out.

    I think I said it before, but I am super pleased and impressed that you continue to try and take control back over your life. What you deem to be the right or wrong thing to do...I don't think anyone can judge that because we don't know the future. But you are taking responsibility and control, and that is good.

    - Losses are not the same as missing a gains. If you build a house and forget the roof, youve still got a house. Just add a roof. No reason to knock the whole thing down.

    Just. Awesome.

    Yeah, I don't know how things will go today, tomorrow, next week...but there's still cogs turning in that supercharged brain of yours, and a pulse beating in those veins. And nobody here is going to begrudge you for being human and having a shi*t day every now and then, even if it's more often than not. We just want to help you reach the other side where the good days are more numerous than the bad.

    James

    1 person found this helpful
  15. JessF
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    7 June 2017 in reply to HamSolo01
    Hello Ham, it's the nosy neighbour again. I just wanted to make one point before scurrying off again.

    I think it's great that you're thinking deeply about what you're ready for and what you're not at this stage. Biting off more than you can chew then failing can really knock your confidence.

    That said, I think it's important to remember that if you wait until everything is perfect before taking action, you could be waiting a long time. Putting yourself out there, be it for a job, a relationship, study, all involves a level of risk. It's normal to feel a certain level of anxiety and stress around all these things.

    The key is in feeling those butterflies and finding a way to push through anyway. You can reduce the size of the steps you're taking until that fear gets to a level that's not totally overwhelming, but just something that sits there in your gut.

    A good friend of mine used to say to me, it shouldn't be "ready aim fire", but "fire aim ready". The first way is all about lining up things perfectly before taking the first step. The second is about taking that first step and adjusting as you go.
    3 people found this helpful
  16. HamSolo01
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    7 June 2017 in reply to JessF

    Tbh i think a lot of this comes back to owning my circumstances and decisions and mental health.

    I've taken about 10 steps forward then 5 steps back so far. That of means 5 steps forward. Less than a year ago i nearly ended my life.

    I dont ever expect things to be perfect before going into them, but if im not comfortable with it then im not doing it. Theres a difference between nerves and uncomfortable. i had nerves when meeting new students to tutor, when starting a new class, when doing a speech..

    its a level im just not at YET. Its all a process of step by step

    2 people found this helpful
  17. BballJ
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    7 June 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Wow, seems like today has been a good turn around for you... may I ask what happens that triggers your mood's to change and you begin to re-accept the mental health and journey you are on to recovery, I ask because is there something you do or focus on.. I'd love to hear if there is something cause I could use it or possibly someone who is reading this thread but not posting.

    Another great quote from you - "But its all gains. Losses are not the same as missing a gains. If you build a house and forget the roof, you've still got a house. Just add a roof. No reason to knock the whole thing down"

    We may need to start another thread full of your great quotes :)

    One thing I would encourage when you are having the crappy days is go back and read these posts of yours and see that you can turn your days around.

    My best,

    Jay

    2 people found this helpful
  18. blondguy
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    7 June 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey HamSolo

    I apologise for not posting earlier. I just noticed your post above "Tbh i think a lot of this comes back to owning my circumstances and decisions and mental health"

    That took a lot of guts to post and good on you!

    I wasted 13 years of my life 'fighting' anxiety because I thought it was the right thing to do, as you have been doing

    I was 23 with my first mega anxiety attack (in 1983) and kept trying to 'battle' it until 1996.....it never worked...I just got worse until I understood that I 'had to own it' as you just said......Great stuff HamSolo!

    Once you truly 'accept' anxiety the same as a physical illness you will find some peace. My anxiety became that chronic when I working that I saw a counselor every week for 7 months. He helped me help myself give my life back. I still kept working through the anxiety and the counseling but it worked.....really well :-)

    James1, Jay, JessF and others have your back with great advice above Solo (Can I call you Mitch?)

    GOOD NEWS! Anxiety symptoms do decrease in severity over time with super regular counseling and if prescribed meds if your quality of life is being effected on a day to day basis.

    I also read above a huge compliment you gave to James1....."i swear you ought to charge me for your advice haha"

    Now thats a great sense of humor Solo!

    Great to have you as part of the Beyond Blue family HamSolo! Great posting too :-)

    my kind thoughts

    Paul

    3 people found this helpful
  19. Quercus
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    8 June 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey HamSolo01,

    Wow what a post!

    I've taken about 10 steps forward then 5 steps back so far. That of means 5 steps forward. Less than a year ago i nearly ended my life

    Look at the things you have achieved!

    You've accepted your MI and focused and committed to getting better.

    You're actively involved in your treatment. You said yourself you're being honest and open. That takes guts.

    You've reached out to family and friends. And on here.

    You have started examining your stressors and boundaries and pushing yourself to take the small steps.

    You accept the bad days and keep bouncing back and learning and adapting and accepting limits.

    You have accepted there is good in you. That you are worthwhile. That on the bad days it's just hard to see so you reach out for help.

    All of these things are accomplishments HamSolo01 and worth being very proud of.

    How are you feeling today?

    1 person found this helpful
  20. HamSolo01
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    8 June 2017 in reply to Quercus

    To be honest today was alrightI think it's suddenly dawning on me that its actually okay to have mental illness. I base this off of the notion that it is bad enough dealing with MI so why make it worse by catastrophising it? It's bad enough as it is right?

    I've finished up with uni for the semester as well so that feels good. Really happy that I've reduced my study load to part time. Feels like that was the best choice to make.

    I think I need to try to make these moments in life last longer however. Today I felt more "alive" or "real" than i had for ages. Strange hey?

    I don't have much to say today so rather than entertain the demons of mental illness to come by and pull me down I think it's best I leave it there. There'll be plenty more chances in the future I imagine.

    Take care :) and hope you are well !

    1 person found this helpful
  21. HamSolo01
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    9 June 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    i jynxed myself..

    feeling really crap but its 12am so i think bedtime is in order

  22. james1
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    9 June 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Just popping by to say I hope you got decent sleep and send you a gentle reminder that just as some days are bad, some days are good. Being in either, makes us forget about the other. So I like to pace myself. Relish the good times, but don't over do it. Understand the bad times, but not dwell in it.

    Harder to do than say, but it's what I aim for anyway :)

    James

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  23. HamSolo01
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    9 June 2017 in reply to james1

    hey

    yeh i got an alright sleep - i try to aim for 8 hours but only ever get 6-7. Better than nothing thought right?

    I'm off to the gym this morning because I haven't been all week so I don't expect to be able to do much lol. Need to work on my ass and core haha.

    Also psych this arvo and i plan on tackling this relationship/sex/romance/whatever else it's called thing head on. It's literally the only way I see any improvement. Enough is enough.

    It has been causing a hell of a lot of crap in my life lately. Easily the one thing on the mind that triggers any thoughts of suicide or depression. On top of that there are other things too, but i feel like this is a key part of it. It's a massive chunk of it all really. I've taken notes on my phone too so I can refer to them.

    Laters

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  24. Quercus
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    9 June 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey HamSolo01,

    At least you're learning to accept the MI and work with it. I think wanting to 'fight' it and wishing it away is unrealistic.

    Like my autoimmune disease I can wish all I want that it went away miraculously and I could go back to 'normal'. But that just makes me angry and scared and upset. Or I can try accept I am the way I am. I need to manage my health and find ways to work around my limitations. Some days that works. Some days not. But fighting it is exhausting.

    Part time study sounds good. When do you hear about the volunteer position? Are you trying to get out and enjoy yourself? Easy advice to give but hard to actually put into practise. I'm in that position currently too. Kind of adrift and lacking direction. Sigh.

    Anyway I hope today is a good day and you have plans for the weekend. Take care.

    1 person found this helpful
  25. HamSolo01
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    9 June 2017 in reply to Quercus

    hey

    yeah accepting it is fundamental. Went over this today with my psych.

    Literally everything from these forumsvcame up. Jut have to accept it and make room for it. Must stop being harsh on myself. Itll take time

    Im on way to a mental health seminar now actually. Friend of mine set ut up whom i met on a help site for depression. Should be interesting

    i remember lyrics from a song by Coldplay called "What If"

    "lets take a breath try tobpull it aside

    thats right, how can you know it if you dont even try..

    every step that you take could be your mistake...

    it could bend or it could break..

    but thats the risk you take..."

    i feel like this sums up my position at the moment. Just take a breath and try accepting it all. Funny how music can do this.

  26. Quercus
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    9 June 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey HamSolo01,

    Good to hear we were steering you in the right direction then 😊. This psych seems like a better fot for you than the old one.

    The seminar sounds good. I never thought of something like that but far out you'll be in a room of people who get what you're going through. I hope you manage to strike up some interesting conversations!

    Yeah music says it all huh. Neater than I ever could. My favourite is Jon Bellion (I've told so many people noone seems to know him). His lyrics speak in a way that just works when I'm lost.

    Anyway I have to get ready for work. Sigh. Ah well. Have a good weekend.

    1 person found this helpful
  27. HamSolo01
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    9 June 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Yeah and I've only had like 3 appointments so far.

    It's beginning to dawn on me that its possible to manage all this.

    The seminar/forum was helpful. It was run by a catholic community group who are all artists. The friend i had invited me because i met her through this other help website for depression.

    Met 2 people which was good. Even just introducing myself was a challenge but i managed to.

    They had some good content over psychotherapy, science of the brain and stuff. It was kinda given a religious twinge because of it being catholic which i kinda didnt like but i expected it. The choir was good, even if what they sing is something i dont agree with lol.

    Point is that it topped off a day which was good for my mental health. I'm seeing things a bit clearer now tbh. Have a bit more perspective on what i gotta do to take care of myself. Its a case of executing it.

    There's a point at which the questioning of myself has to stop and i simply accept it for what it is.

    Which ive done in the past, but not to the extent that i go easy on myself.

    Just need to lay off haha.

    I need to take up some sort of hobbies. But do so at a gradual pace without throwing myself in the deep end. That's the problem ive been having and thats whats prevented me from improving at all really.

    What an intense month it has been.

    1 person found this helpful
  28. HamSolo01
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    12 June 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Past two days have been really tough

    It just feels like I'm wasting all this time and I could actually BE better rather than GETTING better. But I guess it's a process?

    I must be one of those people who worry when things are not happening. Guilt tripping myself into feeling like I'm not doing anything important.

    At the moment it feels like I'm going nowhere with my degree. Even though I've reduced to part time study, it's still bugging me because it feels like I'm not going to have anything to show for it. I guess it's a good thing that I now have time to figure that out over the next 6 months while studying part time (and hopefully doing that airport thing if i get it).

    At the moment I feel like money is a big problem. I want independence but then I can't work because of my anxiety levels and depression. Yet. I think I'll get to that level eventually. But in the mean time working on boosting my CV is probably the best thing.

    I need to balance not knowing where i'll end up with my degree with my anxiety over not knowing where I'll end up. I guess no degree guarantees work after you graduate. But then with something so general - like what i've studied - it's even worse. This is when I begin to feel depressed and upset and sometimes suicidal. It's good that I'm able to identify the thought chain and where it starts though I guess. The same can be said for relationships/dating and the same can also be said for friendships. I'm not 100% isolated so that's good. It just feels like I could be doing more or something. I guess that's the nature of the anxiety.

    If i was to compile a list of things I should be doing and another list of things I want to be doing, then the latter will be longer.

    I should be: Exercising regularly (on track to make it 3-4 times a week at gym), eating right (even enough is problematic at times but that's changing slightly), meds (no problems there), sleeping right and better (trying to cut technology out at least 1 hour before sleep but it's proving hard).

    I want: To do all the stuff I should be doing and more. I want more money, I want more friends, I want success, I want security, I want my anxiety to go away, I want to finally get a gf, I want to be happier and I want to smile and laugh more.

    It's just tough at the moment because I go one place in life and all this crap just triggers my negative thinking. But that's the nature of it I guess? Just need to manage it and also remember what I DO have not what I DON'T have.

    1 person found this helpful
  29. HamSolo01
    HamSolo01 avatar
    820 posts
    12 June 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Not gonna lie.. i hate myself at the moment

    I hate so many things about me. I feel like i dont deserve any of the things that are happening. I feel like im going to fail in life just generally. Im just going to be filed with regret. I already regret my teenage years. I regret uni and i regret every decision ive made. I havent enjoyed my life and ive just been moping about... im actually just sick of it. I really am. No one cares and no one does. Im just a burden on people. I want to be independent but i cant be because of my stupid mental health.

    Had a golden opportunity the other day to get a job but i couldnt even ring them back.... can you even believe that? THATS how bad its gotten. All this time i thought i was getting better and now im here at 23 with nothing going for me. Life is just gonna get tougher and tougher. Tougher still. Thats what it is. You gotta find people worth suffering for and i dont have that at all. People just leave and disappear off the face of the planet. Whats worse is i think my new psych is religious... that just annoys me. Im gonna find out this friday if she is and if so im not interested in seeing them again. Religion has done enough damage to me and i dont need my damn psych poisoned by it. Just a circle of tragedy. Im doing all this stuff and nothing changes.

    Maybe if i just manned the F up and got over it i'd be better. THAT is the only way anything is gonna change. I dont even understand why i am like this. Just annoying. Then everyone expects im getting better when im not. No one even gives a crap.

    My psych was saying i need to give myself some room, but that wont make things better. Things are bad and im over it. But then i cant do anything to change it... the more i try the more i set myself back.. its not counting for anything and there's no point in time where itll get better. Its just gonna be crap forever...

    Why do i even bother.

    Going to bed now so i hope i feel better tomorrow. Probably wont though

  30. Quercus
    Champion Alumni
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    Quercus avatar
    3544 posts
    13 June 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    ​I'm sorry to see you're really hurting today. I hope you can sleep and face tomorrow as a fresh start. Recognise the low day and try again.

    One thing you said concerns me. If it is a major problem for you if the psych is religious you need to talk to her about this. If it puts you on the defensive you won't let her help you and that is a problem. Can I ask what is it about religion that upsets you? You were once highly religious you had said. What made that change? Feel free as always to ignore the question.

    You also said you wanted to aim for small changes so you don't get overwhelmed but you're making a lot of changes from my view. Volunteer work, new psych, uni, diet, exercise, pushing yourself to socialise.... Do you think some of this despair might be you feeling overwhelmed?

    I get a sense of urgency in your posts. What is your most urgent priority? What do you need to focus on to reduce this stress?

    Also it keeps striking me... Why do you feel like you have to change yourself? There is nothing wrong with being introverted you can try all you want but no amount of therapy will ever change you to an extrovert. And thats ok! You just need to look at what you are good at and work within your limitations until you gain confidence.

    What are you best at? How can you adapt that into paid work? Are there any friends or family that you can ask for work experience just to give you a safe environment to practice. My first job my friend got me at a shop she worked at. We carpooled to work. She was a familiar and safe face who helped me until I found my feet. Sometimes you just need some help. Is there anyone you can ask?

    As to noone 'giving a crap' you know that's not true. I might be a stranger but I care. Your family and friends care. Sometimes it's just they have no idea what is happening with you. If they haven't experienced it themselves it is truly impossible to get it. But that doesn't mean they don't care.

    Man I could go on and on. Your post is so full of hurt and pain and topics that I could talk about a lot. But it comes down to today is a bad day for you. Be gentle on yourself. Keep safe. Wait it out. You know from experience that it will pass. Little steps HamSolo01.

    Remembe ! If you can't see the good in yourself that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. It just means you can't see it today.

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