It's 3 months since I posted and I thought I would share a few things.
The headline is that the frequency of sex hasn't changed but everything else has.
I feel great, I feel confident, I feel strong, things are working really well for me. Athol Kay's books were recommended to me and the first one I read was a slap to the face (The Married Man Life Sex Primer). (I also thought it had a lot of dangerous ideas that could be very easily misinterpreted by someone with depression - so beware).
The other one is the Mindful Attraction Plan - now this book I recommend to everyone with the slightest caveat. I wish I could summarise all the gold nuggets this book has. But ulimately - work on everything else, sex is the final 'success metric' of a mutual relationship.
I've basically spent a lot of time on myself. I've always been fit but this year I've hit the gym a lot and got my diet in a good shape and I'm feeling great. Got myself a new wardrobe, a new job in April just after I was posting in here. Things were still a long way off where I wanted it to be, but so much better than it was.
I've stopped blaming/being angry at my wife for not wanting sex. Athol Kay's books really emphasise that your partner doesn't choose whether or not to want to have sex with you. They either want it or they don't - so do all these things for yourself and you'll actually be more appealing to your partner.
There are some relationship dynamics that had to change. I let myself get steamrolled constantly. I let my wife make decisions on what we were doing each evening, each weekend, etc. As the year has progressed that's shifted.
It's also clear that there's a real medical issue here. My wife is on two medications that negatively affect sex drive: one to control severe menstrual bleeding and anti-depressants. But the layer on top of that was that sex had become a battle field. I would get horny and fired up and try and initiate, and my wife wouldn't feel like it and I would blow up with anger, hurt, frustration, whatever. Looking at it from her view it's no wonder she didn't even want to go near it.
I actually don't care as much about sex. I still want it - but there's so much more affection now. Cuddles on the couch, kissing, she even organised a couples massage course for both of us (and she subsequently massaged me). This is huge. As much as my sex needs have been neglected her need to be able to show risk-free affection has been neglected for years and years.