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Join the online community Community rules Coping during the Coronavirus outbreak

Topic: Really struggling

  1. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    4903 posts
    4 June 2021 in reply to Saree_p
    Hi Saree_p, 

    It is so great to hear that you enjoing the new job - what a wonderful piece of good news for the forums to hear! Congratulations! 

    It sounds like you are having a tough time at the moment and we want to congratulate you on being aware of it and for seeking support through the GP and you other professional support team. Mental Health is a journey we are all on and reaching out when we are not feeling great, or feel we are getting a bit worse, is a courageous and wonderful thing to do. WHat a great example for everyone who reads this post :)

    If you do find yourself feeling the need for immediate help please know you can always call us, 24/7, on 1300 22 4636 to speak to someone. The team are brilliant at helping in the moment and can help plan out next steps with you as well. 

    Well done again on the new job - it sounds like you are making a big difference in peoples lives.

    Kind regards, 
    Sophie M
  2. smallwolf
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    smallwolf avatar
    5211 posts
    4 June 2021 in reply to Saree_p

    It sounds like things are on the improve for you.

    Am I correct in assuming that things have been improving for you and working out ways of dealing with the ups and downs.

    Me... I have left a door unlocked at night and leaving the oven on is something I have done on a regular basis ... at least recently. Each night now I double check the front/back door after we found the fly screen near the lock at the back door ripped.

    Me again... swings and roundabouts. Something at work is irritating me (read "getting me down") but working through that (sort of).

  3. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    637 posts
    4 June 2021 in reply to smallwolf

    Thanks Sophie and Tim,

    apparently I am becoming manic and dangerous.

    My partner came home about an hour ago and started a big fight then just walked off. He won't be back till late tonight if back at all. He told me I wasn't required at bowls and won't be able to attend till I'm stable. That is not his call!!! plus he is being a prick and only thinking of himself. It is not helping my anxiety. I got really angry/upset and threw the extra medication at him. I'm not taking shit I don't want to when he throws a tantrum when everything isn't his way.

    We were planning the wedding, had a date and venue. But I guess it's all off. I'm looking at places to rent atm.

    I'm over this all. I do not need everyone telling me what I need to do. I've been taking all my meds and still I'm going "manic"which everyone says is a problem. What if this is just me? Everyone needs to leave me alone.

    Sorry. I am now ranting. Everything is 100 miles per hour and I need to just fix things, move forward, just get on with it. But then part of me is wondering if this is just because I am manic atm..... I don't know. give up. shoudl just go with my gut right? Why keep trying to please people you can not.

    Sorry guys

  4. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    4903 posts
    4 June 2021 in reply to Saree_p
    Hi Saree_p, 

    We think that the best next step is to give us a call on 1300 22 4636 to get some more support. The team are brilliant at helping in the moment and can help you through some excercises to assist in slowing down your thoughts for the moment. 

    If you prefer, our friends at Lifeline 13 11 14 are also lovely, kind and caring and can help with some quality stategies for right now.

    We also think that Relationships Australia could be worth looking at to see if they can help with some advice. They have a number for each state which you can find on their website.

    Hope this helps and that you are feeling ok right now.

    Kind regards, 
    Sophie M
  5. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    1097 posts
    4 June 2021 in reply to Saree_p

    Dear Saree

    Good to hear from you and I was really glad to find out your job is going well and you are enjoying working there.

    That could be part of the reason you are going a bit “manic”. Starting a new job brings with it some degree of stress. I have always found that when something really positive happens to me I am at risk of having another episode (despite taking medication) It’s as though I have a happiness level which keeps me stable, but when I go beyond that level there is a chance I will start revving up and become manic (hope this makes sense as it’s hard to explain).

    I too have left the back door open and have unplugged the fridge because I was paranoid about the light inside it (I was convinced it was a camera!!). So you might want to try and check in with yourself and see if you are having any paranoid thoughts or not sleeping much or jumping from one thing to another without finishing anything.

    I know at times I was in danger when I was manic as I would drive a bit erratically as I believed people were following me. So please listen to medical advice Saree as they only want to help you through this episode and keep you safe.

    So please take good care of yourself and stay safe xox

    With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗🎶

    PS I am going well thanks and still enjoying learning to play the ukulele as it is such a happy little instrument

  6. smallwolf
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    smallwolf avatar
    5211 posts
    5 June 2021 in reply to Saree_p

    Not being able to do something like 'bowls' must be incredibly frustrating and upsetting. You must have been looking forward to going. It also sounds like this is a difficult time your partner as well, unsure how to respond to you and your needs (whatever they might be!). Perhaps a learning time for him also ...?

    Though I am not entirely sure what you mean by the wanting everyone to leave you alone vs (what I think) is wanting be part of the activities your partner is doing. But hey, that is ME not understanding. I have to say I am unsure how the manic side of you get displayed in public places. This is just the ignorant side of me talking here and the "processes" that might exist to handle different situations. Not saying that "if X then Y" for all cases.

    Now I am rambling! Might have to hit google.

    @Jojo - go you with the ukulele. how long have you been doing this?

  7. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    1097 posts
    5 June 2021 in reply to smallwolf

    Hi Tim

    Hope you are going well. I have only been playing the ukulele for a couple of months, but already I can play quite a few simple songs.

    If you learn C, Am, F & G7 chords you can play lots of songs. It’s really enjoyable and a great mood lifter and distraction.

    Do you have any hobbies?

    Best wishes

    Jojo 🎶

  8. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    637 posts
    7 June 2021 in reply to Jojo100

    Hey Guys,

    Sorry, I did loose the plot a little. Hitting the paranoid stage atm Jojo. I did end up taking the PRNs and am now still using a little extra whilst reentering the antidepressant. Guess see how it all goes.

    My partner and I worked stuff out. He is just over stressed. which I can understand.... dealing with me and all.

    Hope your both ok

  9. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    1097 posts
    9 June 2021 in reply to Saree_p

    Dear Saree

    I’m so pleased to hear that you have managed to sort things out with your partner as you have both been through so much together.

    It’s good to recognise that you did lose ‘the plot a little’ as hopefully you can learn from the experience and ideally prevent future episodes.

    It sounds like you are already starting to get back on track by taking extra medication when needed.

    Are you able to work atm?

    I am very well thank you, although I wish the weather wasn’t so wet and stormy as it means I can’t go fishing. Did I tell you I caught a stingray a few weeks ago? It put up quite a fight!

    So take care and stay safe xox

    Lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗🙋‍♀️

  10. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    637 posts
    10 June 2021 in reply to Jojo100

    Hey Jojo,

    Wow, a stingray!!! I remember when my sister caught a gummy shark with a broken arm when she was 8.... obviously she required a hand lol.

    It would be nicer id it was not so wet, I agree.

    I wasn't able to work, but had to go back the start of this week. I've been fully booked. I was paranoid at the start of the week, but was taking extra meds 3 times a day. I guess atleast now we have a medication plan in place.

    I've crashed really badly today. Feeling so low. Even to the point were my partner allowed me to get the kindle I wanted and a bluetooth speaker for work. Should be happy, but all I feel like is that I just should die. I've got that lovely voice in my head telling me how worthless I am and how the world would be better off without me. Its real deep and really echoing. I know this is part of the process, but I just want it all to stop.

    Sorry Jojo

  11. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    1097 posts
    11 June 2021 in reply to Saree_p

    Dear Saree

    I’m glad you have got a medication plan in place as it definitely does help. Sorry you are starting to crash again. I recently wrote a poem for my best friend who suffers from depression called Don’t Give Up, Don’t Give In. I think the first part applies to you:

    When the black dog is snapping at your heels, I know exactly how that feels.

    It’s as though there’s no way through, you feel lost, don’t know what to do.

    And dark thoughts are closing in, all I can say is don’t give up don’t give in.

    Now that you’ve got a Bluetooth speaker you can play your music loud and drown out those horrible intrusive thoughts. I recently bought a JBL charger4 Bluetooth speaker and the sound quality is really good. I love the song by Pink and her daughter Willow Cover Me In Sunshine as it is such a happy song. I don’t know where we would be without music as it is so uplifting.

    I am very impressed by your sister catching a gummy shark with a broken arm! That’s hard to beat!

    So take care and I hope your mood starts to lift soon xox

    With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗🦈

  12. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    637 posts
    12 June 2021 in reply to Jojo100

    Thanks Jojo,

    I love the poem.

    I love P!nk!!! that song is aweome.

    I know right, quite impressive. Was hoping to get out and fish this weekend but probably won't get to.

    Jojo, We increased the antidepressant again because I was crashing so low and I responded the same as I did earlier in the week but I become energiser bunny mixed with anxiety and then negative trails of thought ontop of the perpetual looming darkness. It's like two states are clashing at once.

    I've literally, exercised, gone shopping, visited both sides of the family, then suddenly I didn't want to be around people. I feel quite down but then my brain is racing and I can't switch off.

    Does any of this sound familiar?

    Sorry

  13. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    1097 posts
    12 June 2021 in reply to Saree_p

    Dear Saree

    It sounds like you are possibly experiencing rapid cycling as your moods seem to chop and change very quickly. This must be really exhausting and frustrating.

    In the past I tended to have a high mood for a few weeks before I finally crashed to a severe low mood. I think your pattern of episodes would be more of a challenge to manage. It could also be that you are very sensitive to some medications.

    There were a couple of occasions when an increase in my antidepressant resulted in a manic episode, but once they changed me to another one I haven’t looked back. Medications, as you know, are a balancing act which is why it is worth persevering until you get the right mix for you.

    You will get through this Saree and, as I mentioned previously, please don’t give up, don’t give in.

    Glad you liked the Pink song. My best friend has made a playlist of ‘happy songs’ to play when she feels in a low mood. Maybe you could do the same for yourself?

    Lots of love and hugs Jojo 🌼🤗🎶

  14. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    637 posts
    13 June 2021 in reply to Jojo100

    Hey Jojo,

    The psychiatrist has ruled out rapid cycling, we found that I was doing it when I was on ineffective medication. This feels different from that, more like a mixed state. It's really weird...

    But now think I am crashing completely. It seems to be settling as I take them for a few days.

    I am extremely sensitive to medication and also am requiring heavy doses to manage the symptoms.

    The crash is occuring tho. Can feel the exhaustion setting in, the pain, etc. and just feel blah....

    Today I did get some housework done, groceries and have been working on my symptom list, usual indications, and plan for bipolar.

    Supposed to start uni again tomorrow - just one unit.

    Hoping to go fishing tomorrow Jojo, but not sure I will get there. what have you gotten up to this long weekend?

    Saree

  15. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    1097 posts
    14 June 2021 in reply to Saree_p

    Dear Saree

    I think you are probably right about having a mixed state. I haven’t experienced that which makes my bipolar a bit easier to manage.

    Sorry to hear you are now on the way towards rock bottom again and feeling blah. That sucks big time. Hopefully your medication will start to kick in soon and pick you up again.

    Keep on pushing through and remember that these feelings will pass. Also think of better times when you were going well and affirm to yourself that you can get through this. Life will be good again. You can make it. I am here cheering you on.

    That’s great you are doing a unit at uni. Hope that goes well and is a helpful distraction for you. I am really proud of you, the way you got yourself a new job and also are studying at the same time. Big pat on the back.

    On the weekend I went to visit a friend for coffee and had a catch up on Saturday. On Sunday I went to the movies and we saw Dream Horse which was quite enjoyable, though fairly predictable. And on Monday I went to my ukulele group to play and have a singalong.

    Did you manage to do anything special on the weekend? How are your wedding plans coming along?

    So stay safe and strong, my thoughts and prayers are with you xox

    With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗🙏🎶

  16. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    637 posts
    18 June 2021 in reply to Jojo100

    Hi Jojo,

    Today marks the lowest day yet. Ive become unwell so cant push myself to go to work.

    The pain is excruciating despite pain medication. I'm really struggling to see the point to life. It's just a constant roller-coaster. I just want off.

    hope your ok Jojo,

    saree

  17. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    4903 posts
    18 June 2021 in reply to Saree_p
    Hi Saree

    We are sorry to hear that you are at your lowest today.  We have asked our Support Service to check in with you via email as we are concerned about you, especially since you’ve disclosed experiencing excruciating pain.

    We’d appreciate it if you can reply to their email so we can ensure that you remain safe today. If the pain does not seem to subside we strongly urge you to seek medical attention, for immediate support please call emergency services 000.

    This costant roller-coaster ride you describe does seem very overwhelming and we understand how exhausted you must be feeling. Please know our community continues to be here for you. We do hope your pain settles and we look forward to hearing how you’re managing, whenever you feel up to it. 
  18. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    1097 posts
    18 June 2021 in reply to Saree_p

    Dear Saree

    I am so sorry to hear you are feeling really down and also having excruciating pain. Is that from your fibromyalgia? Does the cold weather affect your pain?

    Is it possible for you to have your pain medication reviewed to see if there is something else that would keep your pain under control?

    Please take note of what Sophie has said and send her a reply so she will know you are safe.

    I know what you mean about being on a roller coaster ride, it is very unpleasant and scary to say the least. But please hold on tight to get through this bloody awful time you are going through. Try and focus on more positive and happier times if you can, although I know how difficult that can be when your mood is so low.

    Don’t lose hope Saree this time will pass. Don’t give up, don’t give in. You can get through this.

    Stay safe and strong and I will continue to pray for you to cope xox

    With lots of love and hugs Jojo 🌼🤗👋🙋‍♀️

  19. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    637 posts
    21 June 2021 in reply to Jojo100

    Sorry Sophie & Jojo,

    It's been dark.. I just turned everything off and slept. Sorry to cause concern.

    I'm not at work and prob won't be this week. Got some flu symptoms.

    Trying to work from home today, but my care factor is zero. My brain just won't shut up and obviously trying to work means I'm awake! Jojo, I don't think I can do this anymore. I keep trying, but whats the point. This shouldn't be happening on meds.

    Sorry

  20. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    4903 posts
    21 June 2021 in reply to Saree_p
    Hi Saree_p, 

    We are so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way at the moment. It sounds like you are in a really low point at the moment, especially with the flu symptoms on top of how you are feeling in yourself. We want to say how impressive it is that you are feeling up to posting on the forums while experiencing that. 

    We also wanted to remind you that if you are feeling unsafe that it is really important to see this as an emergency and to call 000. 

    We are also always here to talk and you can call 1300 22 4636 anytime. Or, you can call our friends as Lifeline on 13 11 14. 

    Thank you again for posting today, please feel free to update us on how you are going if you feel comfortable.

    Kind regards, 
    Sophie M
  21. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    1097 posts
    21 June 2021 in reply to Saree_p

    Dear Saree

    My heart goes out to you as you are really doing it tough atm. Sorry to hear you now have flu symptoms on top of everything else.

    Sophie has given very sound advice about ringing the help lines or if things become really desperate to ring 000.

    Since you are off work this week try and make yourself as comfortable as possible. Perhaps try using essential oils such as lavender for headaches and drink herbal teas to keep your fluids up and soothe your busy mind. Above all be kind to yourself.

    Are you able to eat properly, as that is important too? Try and eat your favourite foods even if it is only a small portion. Tasty hot soup can also keep your strength up.

    I’m not sure why your mind is still racing since you are on medication. That’s something you will need to sort out with your psychiatrist and GP. Please let them know how you are doing asap.

    It sounds like you are perhaps a bit run down. Do you take any vitamins or supplements? If not it might be worth considering as they can help to boost your immune system.

    Keep in touch when you feel up to it. You are not alone. Everyone has a purpose even if they don’t know what that is. I think your purpose is definitely helping and supporting people, which you do very well through your work. So you are very much needed which means there is every reason for you to keep on going. Don’t give in to the negative thoughts in your head as they are not true.

    Sending you a great big hug and some yummy food xox

    Take extra care of yourself at this time. With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗🥣

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