Online forums

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please complete your profile

Complete your profile

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community.

Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

Join the online community Community rules Coping during the Coronavirus outbreak

Forums / Long term support over the journey / Surviving: Being in a better place

Topic: Surviving: Being in a better place

  1. Just Sara
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Just Sara avatar
    3398 posts
    28 June 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    You vent...I listen! Know I'm here with you.

    I've had my fair share of venting, analysing and sorting thru the madness too you know. I get it...you need someone to bounce off.

    It's your space to be where or who you need to be when it's time. I have you on my threads now so you can't get rid of me even if you wanted; well maybe if you wanted. We won't go there.

    I'm not up to date with BP stuff, but I don't mind if you educate me now and then. I can support you better if I understand. Go with the flow I say :-)

    I'm not usually up this late but I couldn't sleep either. Triggers...

    I do ok on here talking about my stuff, but find it difficult to voice my concerns in person. I find it easier to listen and be there for others, but every now and then, I wish I had the words and courage to ask for help.

    Anyway, enough about me. I'm sorry you're in a rotten place; if there's anything I can do, don't hesitate to put it to me. I'm open to whatever ails you.

    Miles of smiles Chooky...

    Sara xo

  2. demonblaster
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    demonblaster avatar
    7876 posts
    28 June 2017 in reply to Just Sara

    Thankyou Sez, really thankyou.

    I think at last I might be back to normal today, haven't cried mind you only just got up, still time lol. Think I might be going into another cycle, for a long time I could tell when mania was going to set in cause of erratic sleeping, been waking up before birdy fart times all over the shop last couple nights, forcing myself to go back to bed and get such needed sleep. Be slacked off if it is the case cause haven't this time had any normal between blagghhh Not much I can do to stop it so just gunna have to take it as it comes.
    It's soo hard being so down as many can relate to, depression is a beast but I do believe we can get on top of it. Needs deep thought time & coping strategies. We can work it out I reckon

    Chooky I'm here for you too, I mean it, pop in here if you like and talk in bits if easier, I know you said you need the courage & words, easier I find on paper but still takes a long time esp when low to get it across.
    It's a two way St lovely no matter what frame of mind I'm in ok. Seriously. Same I wanna help people too.

    How do you feel today darl? Triggers keeping you up I guess maybe not so great aye

    Take good care chooky & thanks again, Star as well. Appreciate you both very much. Thankyou from deep.








    1 person found this helpful
  3. Starwolf
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Starwolf avatar
    2521 posts
    29 June 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Hi lovelies,

    Slowly getting back on track but today sat net is on for 5 minutes, off for 1/2 hour (rain, rain, and more blipping rain). Outside conditions reflecting the flu cloudiness still in my head.

    Please DB rest assured that I continue to read whatever happens in your thread (hi dear Sara, good to see you here), even if I only reply briefly. You are heard.

    You are right, depression is a beast but that beast is not you. Sure, it is chained to us and so willful and strong that we feel it is us who are chained to it. But it can eventually be taught to walk at heel instead of dragging us where we don't care to go.

    I once spent many years anchored to the bottom of a dark pit. Not a feeling I could ever forget. So my heart naturally goes out to you.

    Sending a cyber hug your way if you will accept it.

    2 people found this helpful
  4. demonblaster
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    demonblaster avatar
    7876 posts
    29 June 2017 in reply to Starwolf
    Star & Sez chooky :) Hiyaz

    Star thanks for hug, love em, do it all the time, learning not everyone's into it, esp the less than 2 sec jobs lol magic & another goods release needs to be about 20 secs, you can feel something in the chest like a transference or something.
    How's your back going? Off that floor yet?

    Thanks saying that you read here :) (( )) good of you, comforting to know.

    Yes I believe as you've achieved (Kudos) that we can have this demon walking behind but not with us. I plan to one day be able to completely wipe it out of my life.
    Know exactly what you mean about being in the pits, ya never forget those times aye, yeah in past but also present with BP but doesn't mean as you know it's here to stay. Gotta work from the head to get on top I reckon. Nearly impossible when we're in the lows but learning stuff & posting as I go.

    Chooky lost another post just then lol wow Karmas really biting me since laughing at you doin same :D.
    Clearly yous are mates lol

    Thanks guys, nearly good again, phew, longer haul than usual and didn't realise till other night was taking really deep breaths often, was exhausted beyond over several heavy as weeks, looking like I'm going straight back into another BP cycle which happened few wks ago hence extreme hard times but for now ok. Time will tell. Sleeps erratic, a sign

    Hope yous have a good day

    Care & thanks again xx
    2 people found this helpful
  5. Just Sara
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Just Sara avatar
    3398 posts
    30 June 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Dear Chooky and Star; hugs to both!

    I'm so glad to read you're having a good day Chooky; and yes, Star and I have met around the traps a few times. :) Just a few...hundred lol

    I'm in a bit of a self assessing shift atm, so please forgive my post ok? You both would 'get' the gist of this process yeah? I spoke with a friend tonight who helped me put my trigger situation into perspective. It's great to have a person in my life who really know me.

    We spoke about getting to a place in our recovery where there's no more avoiding that one mongrel issue that's been around since birth! We also talked about the need for 1on1 case management for those of us who slip thru the gaps of MH service provision.

    I need intensive support! Even intelligent souls with self insight galore can have an area that can't be monitored and dealt with by ourselves. I'm not talking about counselling either.

    I hate winging, honestly! I want to write something uplifting and warm, but the brain's on 'self' mode...sorry.

    I'll end things here. Know I do care and want to support and encourage. Wanting to get to know you too.

    Sara Sez Chooky xo

  6. demonblaster
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    demonblaster avatar
    7876 posts
    30 June 2017 in reply to Just Sara
    Look after yourself Sez Chooky

    Thankyou for your continuing support & caring

    Yeah had a good day at least recently not so great yesterday but hoping today's better. I can handle this atm was rough before but through that.

    Ahhhhh you feeling pretty average hun aye ((( soul touching hugs girl )))
    I'd like to be here for you too darl but think you're not wanting to open up which is your choice entirely but if you ever do I"m here sweet :) Fantastic you have someone that you can talk to.

    Thanks chooky for what you and the crew do here for people, yous are deeply appreciated, all of you that make this happen.

    Cya later xx

    1 person found this helpful
  7. demonblaster
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    demonblaster avatar
    7876 posts
    2 July 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Depression envelopes us in pain. Consumes us. Pulls us down in EVERY way, makes us think we're worthless, useless, unlovable. ALL good people are lovable.

    Someone here said we don't have to believe it. Truth. We don't. Good starting point. Why do we believe it.
    Because we don't like ourselves?
    So what if we start there. Look for our goods we've got em. Work on our bads but first we've gotta do the goods I think. By looking at ourselves from outside without judgement or emotion. Mindfulness (learning about in thread here)

    Psych once when I said I'm going to fight this and a friend recently said similar to his answer which was he held a piece of rope & said pull it, I did & there was strong resistance. That's true too, but if we don't fight it how do we combat the beast.

    Also heard here to make friends with our demons. Sound. What if we use them for us instead of allowing them to pull us down. These demons attack our self worth so chances are we don't like ourselves. We accept what they're saying.

    On fb (Facebook) once. We're only given things to deal with that we can. Maybe/not but I like it & choose to believe it

    It's imperative for survival to like ourselves. I think that's gotta be if not the starting point one of the biggest towards peace & happiness.

    bbl taken pain relief need to crash

    I'm starting to think of depression as a separate entity. It's not how we want to be feeling but we for now don't have a choice, but that doesn't mean we can't change it & figure out how to if not be rid of it, to handle it.
    Our minds are incredibly powerful, though they have a lot of knowledge there's still much to learn.

    We give in to depression, it's so powerful.Everyone on earth wants happiness yet this power takes us down.


    1 person found this helpful
  8. Starwolf
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Starwolf avatar
    2521 posts
    2 July 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Great post DB !

    You are right, depression does all the above and some more. But it is not us. Seeing it as IT not US, is the beginning of detachment.

    Fighting only leads to exhaustion. Depression depletes our inner resources enough without adding more pressure. Struggling with the difference between what we know should be right and what we can actually do is just another stressor. We need to eliminate as much stress as possible because depression feeds on it.

    Stopping the fight doesn't mean giving up. Far from it. We must keep in mind at all times that the best way to overcome evil is to make steady progress towards the good. The mind is then freer to focus on positive stuff, not its opposite. Whenever negativity threatens to drown us, it is a good idea to search around for a scrap of beauty or some advantage, no matter how minor it may be. It's like focusing on the white dot inside the black side of a yin/yang symbol. Nurturing that positive speck will allow it to grow.

    It takes time and dogged persistence. Eventually, it will become a habit...automatic.

    A hug and peaceful day to you.

    1 person found this helpful
  9. demonblaster
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    demonblaster avatar
    7876 posts
    3 July 2017 in reply to Starwolf
    Thanks Star nice to see you :) Yes so much with depression.

    Heard here & wondering when depressed, wether to go with it rather than fight it, or work on it, as you say it's exhausting. I don't mean sink with it which it's doing anyway but thinking how to cope during it. Distraction helps even if temporarily tho doesn't solve anything we need breaks from it. Some people have it constantly so hard to work on it in the good times to be prepared & stronger.

    Lack of sleep brings on stress, at our weakest probs first we need to get control over. Depression feeds of it
    Excercise helps to get tired but there's a fine line it also brings on energy, movement can.
    Recently to come down I had to stop walking (do hills) for over a wk which allowed my body to come down from pump. Did start sleeping then without meds.

    I don't usually suffer anxiety but had full blown dose a while after loss of darling life partner, heart went beserk palpatating/hyperventillating/panic the works, calmed myself pretty quickly quite an ordeal, was doing art & noticed I was taking really deep breaths & realised I was exhausted, several times was having anxiety attacks the panic welling up got control by thinking this is anxiety calm down you don't wanna feel this way, it's ok, don't let the panic take over & concentrating on breathing normally. Works.

    Gunna start working on meditation which could be applied in day time too once mastered. Hard to concentrate when the minds in torture but can be done. It's about pushing through, we have to. Takes time & practice but for control yeah worth it. Unbelievably through mania (hundred thoughts a sec lol) for a while I meditated which pulled down the highs still thank god have em but not as ott. Massive achieve so it is effective.

    Absolute we need to take stress outta our lives if we can. I think what we need is to learn to control it, all emotions actually. Then we gain peace. What pulls us down is our reactions.

    God gotta go, still copping a flogging from pain relief.

    Thanks for reply Star

    Take good care :)

    Hope your days good too :)
    1 person found this helpful
  10. Just Sara
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Just Sara avatar
    3398 posts
    3 July 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    I posted here this morning guys!

    Don't know what happened but there must've been an issue for the mod's?? Maybe I swore or something. Yeah, I think I did, the s--t word. Anyway, I'm sorry you haven't seen it. I'm here...honestly.

    I was planning on just reading tonight, but felt I had to let you know I haven't forgotten you.

    Sincerely

    Sara xo

    1 person found this helpful
  11. demonblaster
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    demonblaster avatar
    7876 posts
    20 July 2017 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi all :) thanks for listening

    This was easy & quick as in worked first time, haven't started practising yet & could be applied at any time.
    Nothing to lose .. lot to gain.

    A type of meditation I tried out last night, didn't go furthur with it cause ph rang but was amazing. Not feeling down atm so would be easier but still definately worth a go in any frame of mind esp when down.

    Because of extreme pain from a bulging disc in neck pinching a nerve what I'd love at any time actually is a really lovely massage.

    Two things I thought about & used imagination.

    1. Imagine being somewhere comfortable. On massage table, chair, bed etc
      At whatever pace you choose starting from the scalp, gentle soothing massage being fully aware of how you want it to feel that makes it soothing, relaxing making you feel completely at peace & comfortable working down your neck no rush, take as long as you want on any area. Slowly work down your entire body finishing at toes included
      Every area before you move to another be sure you've reached a feeling of total relaxation

      The other one which was incredible too was imagining above my head a smooth but dense warm soft liquid being poured over my head and covering my entire body absorbing inside which gave an immense feeling of well being & relaxation, takes the mind off rot that's going on even if temporarily being in a good place


    Similar consuming feeling like the heavy dark blanket of depression but with peace and an amazing feeling which once it's reached and used often can be a good focus point of being in a better place when we're struggling.

    Hope it helps :)





    1 person found this helpful
  12. demonblaster
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    demonblaster avatar
    7876 posts
    28 July 2017 in reply to demonblaster
    Vent

    over the past roughly 6 wks I've been through hopefully recovering if it doesn't stir up again max pain due to pinched nerve from bulging disc in neck. Think this is the beginning not the end of this problem. But need to get my head into walking daily which I do most days (hills for many reasons including core strength for bad back to hopefully avoid full blown outs again, (again debilitating max pain for 2/3 wks) it's tried but think core strengths holding just.

    So from about 6/8 wks couldn't shake the predominently heavy depression (BP) soon after this wicked nerve pain, Pain in 5 places unbelievable from max to severe, one of the worst places was down the arm, felt like molten lava without the heat going down from inside & that I'd been shot in the shoulder, other worst one was like an axe had been rammed in the end of shoulder.
    Sleep was a couple of hrs at a time for a mth or more if I was lucky waking in agony with heavies pills and nerve ones that didn't touch it so enduring it till it subsided that would go from intense to ok anything from 20 mins to hour and half.

    Couldn't believe how I was holding up with all that going on,lack of sleep, agony to severe, to God but backed off here and there, then realised BP''s dropped in to play. Had the goods for about 2/3 days, magic but so whacked I don't think even that could rise above too high which probs a good thing.
    So depressions starting to show it's ugly head, few tears few sads but so far handling by knowing it wants to pull me down and that it'll pass but at this stage that doesn't really help. I'm hoping to hack this without too much grief and if I can I'm making major progress with depression, usually with so much sleeplessness it comes in hard without BP let alone it going on.

    If not......... I'll be back
    1 person found this helpful
  13. demonblaster
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    demonblaster avatar
    7876 posts
    28 July 2017 in reply to demonblaster
    yeah back. Vent

    I know it's the easy option to leave and it would hurt a LOT of people, don't wanna do that to them but how much of this crap & how low do ya have to go & how friggen often before I can get a grip on the mutt. I wanna win over this it's had way too much control all life spoilt so much of it. Depression isn't just one thing, it has so many faces. I'm starting to figure stuff out but too slowly, when I start getting close to answers it's like a burst of something that blocks furthur thought.
    To go from having someone in your life (28yrs) who loved you more than anyone has & have full security and happiness most of the time to no one, back to being used does wonders for your self esteem though I've come a long way .....pffftttt...
    Going back under the line again wasn't ever an option while with loving partner. Untold Black times, pretty much the majority of cycles, but ya get to the point even though I do have a lot of friends they're doing their stuff, most have someone. I can & do stay with some at times or go out or chat but honestly not sure now how much more of this I can take. I do talk a lot (too much full stop which sh..slacks people off, listen too though & care, and talk a lot about BP but most don't really wanna know others downs cause they can't do anything to help or don't know what to say. I don't wanna bog em down anymore, don't wanna talk to friends or family cause if I could put half across they'd be depressed. Don't wanna down people, opposite wanna up and help em.

    What the hell is it that takes us so low, wants us to go under. There's two minds at work on us I'm sure of it, if not two souls, whatever 2 of something, Good bad Happy or sad, ying and yang.

    Gotta be careful not to go down the self pity path which I'm walking atm, it's another of the beasts tendrils.

    Stuff it, goin to bed

    1 person found this helpful
  14. Just Sara
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Just Sara avatar
    3398 posts
    29 July 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Sez's here Chooky;

    Long time no see eh?

    I've been meaning to pop in of late, but your thread was down the pages; you didn't post for a while. Sorry hun...

    I've read thru your words and see an undesirable episode of your life unfolding. You've come a long way since your lovely walked.

    You and Star have talked about depression being an 'it', but even though there does need to be some distance or detachment from it, remember it's a chemical demon too.

    For BP, it seems to be balance that's on the almighty wish list. That's not just a metaphor, but the reality of internal actions/reactions. I spoke with my psych a while back about anxiety and how to minimise it's effects. She told me to control the adrenaline output thru my body.

    Most on here are detached from their bodies due to trauma or trying to think their way out of the hole they're in. Analysing can be a momentous tool, but overworked can be yet another demon. Training ourselves to find different routines and 'styles' of thinking, can bring much relief to a worn mind. Just like sleep, connecting with the earth has amazing healing properties.

    When my MH was at its worst, I was drawn to the garden, um...weeds. lol, and spent time digging around in the dirt. A feeling come over me reminding me of my grandparents and how they worked the land. It gave me calm connecting with that memory and the dirt; I felt my Nan 'with me'.

    Our cellular memories hold amazing power, so when we work our bodies to get out of our heads, the body does its magic. That's on a chemical level as well as giving relief to our minds. In fact our whole system benefits.

    I know you're going thru a lot of pain atm, so rest up and take care of your body too. Nothing like a hot bath to free up gravity's effects.

    I wish you well dear Chooky; hope springs eternal.

    Sez xo

  15. demonblaster
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    demonblaster avatar
    7876 posts
    29 July 2017 in reply to demonblaster
    Update on vent

    Thanks for whoever acknowledged post, is that you Star Wolf :) you were saying you read all posts so wondering though could be someone else thankyou to whoever :) Means a lot. Just read through thread and not really putting a lot of the thread title surviving being in a better place but also need here as a vent spot too. Thanks Star you've had very good input into survival and how you speak I definately am and from others here learning slowly to do, I've always had frustratingly probs expressing although better on paper. I enjoy conversing with you :)

    Just wanna reiterate to you both Star and Sez, alias chooky :D or anyone that wants to, go for your lives if yous wanna open up here, I'm here for yous too, this isn't just for me.

    Had first better sleep in around 6 wks I think now, got 7 hrs solid, usually need to fire on all cylinders about 10 but hack unbelievably less amounts over long periods with BP, woke with bit of pain that was disappointing cause last couple days looking like I'm for now on the mend....thank God, didn't need pain relief and has backed off. Phew. Woke up ok for a few seconds then a while crying but overall feeling better, if I can get through this one with the included untold lack of sleep over past 6 wks without BP playing with the sleep, didn't need to, it usually I've noticed makes ya tired as before the highs pop in, seems to feed on tiredness that as we know the depression beast does. (Sez you were interested, thankyou btw xx in knowing bits of BP to understand)
    So if this is the worst then I am starting to get hold of this beast, lot of work to do but getting there.
    Won't know till this cycle finishes, you can go back up with stimulation which is one of the main ways it comes on and of course whatever chemical or ? reactions go on upstairs.

    Thanks listening

    Really do hope yous are hacking ok
    1 person found this helpful
  16. Just Sara
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Just Sara avatar
    3398 posts
    29 July 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Hey Chooky;

    It was me my lovely! My post must've gone thru just as yours did. I'm above your last post if ya wanna read? (How's that for DB speak?!)

    I'm here...Sara Sez xo

  17. demonblaster
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    demonblaster avatar
    7876 posts
    29 July 2017 in reply to Just Sara
    Hey Chooky thanks for insightful reply darl and don't want you to feel pressured to come in though it's same time awesome to have people responding, yous are very appreciated thanks hun.

    Yeah I heard too from several sources that it's chemical imbalance with BP and I wonder if with depression too but have recently for the 2nd time read an article saying they don't know for sure if it is yet so dunno but what we do know is Jaysus it stirs up the head majorly. Not everyone with BP poor people have the highs that NO ONE on this earth doesn't wanna feel that way, pure and utter unreal happiness, content, confident, energy, motivation, ideas, and the list goes on, best descript bliss but it's also very stressful too and controlling it which I have mostly on the highs fair way to go is mammoth but achievable.

    Yes agree with controlling adrenalin output through bod, I'm mentally pushing it down or when too high, stress associated with it use a meditation that worked in early days when they highs were type 1 ones, super high.

    True overthinking we need to work on but I'm convinced we can't achieve peace without thinking about all of this and working out when we've pinpointed problems how to lift from there. I'm going along the paths of trying to work out the why's. When I feel down, what's making it that way, then why do I feel like that. It's mega going into our psych, need to be open and honest probs along mindfulness ways without judgement & yes start thinking laterally.

    Awesome you had that lovely memory of your grandparents, how beautiful, weeding is quite satisfying and I'm not a gardener at all but have done some and you see the diff straight away. Quite fun pulling the little suckers out although I love a lot of the pretties that are weeds, asked Mum once what are weeds, she said as far as she knew they're something that they haven't found a use for yet. Good answer, always remember that.

    Something I have learnt and know there's a fair few more tears in there to come out but is we have to be very careful not allowing the downs to take us to self pity which is automatic and completely understandable but it's what depression wants, tho if it results in crying not such a bad thing for outlet. Contradiction but looking at 2 sides.

    Thanks sweety chooky girl, look out names gettin bigger lol

    Hope your days a good xx
    1 person found this helpful
  18. demonblaster
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    demonblaster avatar
    7876 posts
    29 July 2017 in reply to Just Sara
    Yeah lucky I happened to look chooky, may have missed it, thanks girl (( xx ))
    1 person found this helpful
  19. Starwolf
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Starwolf avatar
    2521 posts
    29 July 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Hey DB,

    Good to read you seem to be getting a handle on the beast. Being able to sleep 7 hours after so much deprivation must have felt like bliss.

    I once looked after a dude's dog, house and garden while he was working away half the week. So we used to see a fair bit of each other. He has BP. As an outsider, I found the yoyo effect quite exhausting to watch and experience second-hand. It made me think of a pendulum gone crazy. So I can't begin to imagine what it feels like for those affected.

    Recently, I have kept my interactions around the forums to a minimum. I have been unwell but am on the mend. I am starting temporary shift work in a couple of days and am not looking forward to jet lag minus the jet part. So I think I'll continue to make myself scarce in the near future. It doesn't mean I won't be cruising BB, just in a less active way.

    Always refreshing to read your posts...please take care.

  20. demonblaster
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    demonblaster avatar
    7876 posts
    29 July 2017 in reply to Starwolf
    Hi Star,

    Jeez you've been having a rough trot with your back how is it btw?
    Sorry you've been unwell bud, hope you recover quicker than later poor thing.

    Selfishly I'm sorry that you won't be around so much anymore but I wish you all the best with yeah blagghhh shift work, mostly my jobs were shifwork and it does knock ya about esp graveyard shift.

    Yeah pretty average atm but nothing like how I was feeling last night in my vents, as with most no doubt here, it just wears ya down, ya get sick of having to fight the mutt. BUT good news is if it stays this way I am picking up without too many yikes like last night. Time will tell but another better sleep should help too.

    Yeah BP it's really hard work, incredible what the mind does and going through it on the up which unfortunately I had to bloody work on pulling them down, last thing anyone wants is not to have em booming but knew they had to be tamed damn it cause the higher ya go the lower and my god I'm talking pits. Wicked Black places, frightening how low we can go aye, you become desparate for sleep and desparate full stop.

    Take good care of yourself Star, thankyou deeply for all your support and encouragement, I can't tell you how much I really appreciate it and you too chooky Sez Sarah. Woe just got emotional then, hanky plz :)
    I"ve enjoyed our chats immensely.

    Hope the jobs good for you although the jetlag minus jet would be a blaaaa

    Be good seeing you along the way, do let us know how you're going aye

    Thanks again guys ((( hugs ))) affection :)

    2 people found this helpful
  21. demonblaster
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    demonblaster avatar
    7876 posts
    29 July 2017 in reply to demonblaster
    Although since the loss of partner leaving is an option now which as mentioned I do need to choof, & as mentioned too I do have a lot of love in my life but what (Geez here comes the tears again) makes me think it'd be soo wrong to do is I know I've said it already but partner and his sister fought for their lives, they didn't give up, well I don't blame partner but didn't know till later he had but remember saying to him he has to eat cause I can't just watch him die. He said the dear thing I saved his life that day. They didn't wanna die, I've got life that they wanted to have too. Same goes for so many people that have their lives taken from them who don't wanna die.

    It'd hurt so many, don't wanna do that either

    Sorry for repeating but these days even though there's good times, I'm usually happy and this won't make much sense after that comment but same time I don't feel I've got anything to live for. There's not much that's giving me much pleasure, this is mammoth to take on but if I don't I will go under.
    Right had my big cry so there's another outlet. I do know this will pass so that's a good. Sleep will help too.
    Only woke with some pain today and no other so there's another good.

    Have been able to some of the time (not so much last night but trouble is I realised I was allowing the downs to take me furthur rather than saying NO I'm not going with that which I've been doing today mostly.

    Anyway I don't have plans though do think about how and to say hurray to people first but not at contemplating stage as such.

    Happy I'll be seeing Psych Sat, boy have I got some to say, lucky I landed her, she's brilliant. Shame I can't see her more often but maybe with a new scheme NDIS ( National Disability insurance scheme) possibly, have to read up on it.

    I feel it's all so mammoth, like there's a hundred demons to slay but at least am starting kind of to like myself, but there's still a very strong low self esteem going on but that's probs the beast doing what it's so bloody good at. Hard to change life long way of thinking, people can be pretty good at pulling us down and so can depression.

    Anyway today's been easier but average.

    Cheers
  22. demonblaster
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    demonblaster avatar
    7876 posts
    29 July 2017 in reply to demonblaster
    Soo looks like BP (Bipolar) cruisy up wasn't a short 2/3 day job, had some hard hits with depression but overall hacking kinda but woke up bit before 5am, no pain in shoulder till later (still not right yet but so much better than before) so wasn't that & from experience know it's still got it's talons in. Soo badly need to be recovering from the past 6wks pain minimal sleep and BP's energy depleting.
    Automatically thinking with dread what's ahead, but just realised that's where lateral thinking can come in. Need the attitude that I can handle this & knowing I have untold times before.

    Recently I felt myself going down heavily, allowed my head to go with the avalanche, was aware but result wasn't so bad cause cried a lot stress outlet also have pushed to walk tho not really wanting too through tiredness so decreased amount. Have to do it often, daily not there yet but most for many reasons, stress release, stimulation, amongst it, around people, core strength for back, entering age as fit as po, tighten up blubber working to a point left it too late in life but still better than before by far.

    That is all... for now (other BB's famous words :)

    Thx for those listening

    Wondering if the highs are a survival mechanism to combat and not go down & downs to learn from for strength. With extreme pain and tiredness I conciously lifted with energy which being around people happens anyway usually (extrovert) BP & depression feed on tiredness, can't not try to lift up else ya go down.

    At this point not much depression at all, that can change in an instant but when I feel it coming on need to not allow to go down with it, by being aware it's the beast wanting it's way. Easier to stop it early than go deep, very hard climb back up but doable.



    1 person found this helpful
  23. Starwolf
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Starwolf avatar
    2521 posts
    30 July 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Thank you for caring. It turned out what I thought was a back injury was in fact a severe kidney infection. It seems to be on its way out, thank goodness.

    I admire your pro activity. I know how much grit it takes to be consistent and persistent when the inner world is chaotic or empty of energy. That 1st step is usually the most difficult. I have found procrastination itself to be an energy drain. It is also self-perpetuating. The more we stress about finding motivation, the louder the self-protective brain screams not to act. I used to ask myself if I was going to feel better about getting a move on in another 5 or 10 minutes. Of course the answer was no. Learning to cultivate the habit of acting immediately ( at least before getting to the point of no return) didn't come easy.

    The "yeah, I did it" air punch is part of the reward, isn't it ?

  24. demonblaster
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    demonblaster avatar
    7876 posts
    30 July 2017 in reply to Starwolf
    Hey Star, always good to see you, I've said before and reiterate I really appreciate you and things you've said have honestly helped, esp stuff that I think about still non bloody stop about chooky. Though I'm thinking about her not quite as often now but still a LOT damn, but what has helped lol is I've started looking at stuff about her that I'm not fussed on.

    Yes I do care about people, too bloody much sometimes, feels like I'm putting out and it's not coming back which as a rule I try not to give to get but sure is good to have it coming back but hey we're talking about people here :)
    I do care about you Star (don't worry not a cyber love :) and have admiration for you how you've managed to have the beast at a heel, seriously that's mammoth and also you and the other champions here amongst mods and managers & all that make this site viable, if yous weren't answering posts with so much wisdom support and being there this wouldn't be a happening site and many like mine here would go unanswered same for you chooky Sez thanks again both of you xx

    Starwolf said: (not sure how I did this quote but cool now can't turn bold off)

    Thank you for caring. It turned out what I thought was a back injury was in fact a severe kidney infection. It seems to be on its way out, thank goodness.

    Jeez I've heard kidney's wicked pain and can mask back pain, so glad it's on the mend poor thing. You no doubt have been through the ringer. Good it wasn't back this time aye tho you may have wished it was and from experience I know the excrutiating pain from that.

    Think I'm on the way up again (not mania) so happies, not quite outta it all yet but getting there as you with your kidneys. Tears aren't far from the surface but average person would probs be pretty low, for me this is hackable.

    Just had a thought before but haven't gotten into thinking deeper yet.

    One of the hardest emotional turmoil we go through that never leaves but eases in time is grieving.
    Time makes it easier
    Wondering why time doesn't make other mental pain easier, depression comes deeply with grieving too.
    Might be a clue to working stuff out if we can figure this one

    Thanks Star, happy to see you :)
    Let us know how you go with your job if you like

  25. demonblaster
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    demonblaster avatar
    7876 posts
    31 July 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Vent: & surviving

    Getting untold more sleep but this mutts got me deeply, mostly in alone times
    So bloody sick of crying tho an outlet, sick of damned pain,it's deep. Depression it pulls up anything that's hurt in the past constantly, what the .... WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY,

    I KNOW I can get on top of this, but when it's like this you're in hell, I tell people here and elsewhere we all have stength, we do, just gotta learn how to find and use it.

    HAVE to work this mutt out, trying to think of reasons to stay, there are some, good people that love like and care are a good one. I really feel for those that don't have love, but it doesn't necessarily mean they're not lovable though either. It's everyone's basic need.

    How much & how often and long can we endure pain, at least with BP although it goes sooooo bloody deep it does pass. The cycles are so frequent now, even a smaller 2/3 day high has devastating lows like now. Thought I was ok this morning, well mild down. You wouldn't think anything wrong today around people but underneath it's goin on

    So glad to have here to be able to vent.

    Just need to work hard on getting the wrong option outta the equation, promised Mum yrs ago in teens I wouldn't try again. Although I think & hope (only to see people I've loved & lost again) there's more after this Mum's passed so I'm kinda not now putting that promise into the equation now.

    Someone here which often I've thought about too asked as they're too not sure, what reasons can we give someone not to take the plunge into the unknown and leave.
    If we work on reasons to stay. Setting goals be good
    I do know though it's the wrong choice & it's denying ourselves of a chance at happiness. If we don't get on top of this more and more people will take their lives.

    Maybe I'm wrong and there's nothing after, so if this is a miracle (there's a reason for EVERYTHING, we don't know for absolute sure why we're here, one reason is I absolutely believe is to learn but who's to say we don't carry on with our problems if there's another life or being that we continue on with, so I'd like to beat this and go into new on top and happy. Phooooo just gotta keep on working at this aye. I do also believe we can win, just need to convince myself through these times.

    Happy as around people, distraction, trying to pull up not to have the chin draggin on ground, and do feel good around them, (most).

    Thx

  26. solabear
    solabear avatar
    260 posts
    1 August 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    How are you feeling today Demonblaster? It is a very heartfelt post and all so familiar to me. How much suffering we can tolerate? That is the question....a LOT! You are stronger than you feel right now. I believe in you dear DB, you're an amazing human being. You "wouldn't try again" because you know it would be a permanent solution to a temporarily problem. That's right .....it's always just a temporarily problem.

    sending a big solarbear hug your way

  27. demonblaster
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    demonblaster avatar
    7876 posts
    1 August 2017 in reply to solabear
    You lovely thing Solar, thanks so much for asking caring, for your time and wisdom

    Was very rough this morning for the first few hrs, untold pain and tears but had a fair bit of social acitivity and got a couple more things to help in place which is giving great deal of relief. Atm completely worn out, the beasts still waking me too early but at least little to no mostly now neck, shoulder & arm pain that added to BP down through extreme lack of sleep over past 6 wks but hacking atm thanks so much solar. Really appreciate your post :)

    How are you doing? I'm here for yous too :)

  28. solabear
    solabear avatar
    260 posts
    1 August 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    My dear DB, the mornings are the worst for me as well. I always feel so down when I first wake up for the first hour or so....completely dysfunctional and it's topped with a hint of anxiety for the extra fun sometimes... lol, but I soldier on and force myself to do things like have a shower and take the dog for a walk....actually my dog doesn't really give me a choice on that. When she looks at me with those beautiful eyes and drops the lead in my lap... I can't say no to her. She's my cheer leader and I don't know what I would do without her. By the time we come back from the walk I feel a bit better. It's amazing what a good walk can do, especially when you have a cheer leader with you...lol

    I hope you feel better soon, I'm sending you some positive vibes... and painkiller vibes for your aching body

    Take care DB, I'm thinking of you

    Kind thoughts and hugs from Sola

  29. demonblaster
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    demonblaster avatar
    7876 posts
    1 August 2017 in reply to demonblaster
    So if we're suicidal we're going against our natural very strong instinct of survival. (strength)
    So many are clueless that it takes enormous courage to go against that instinct, been there few times. It's not weak, it's hell we're trying to be free of.
    So I guess if we're at that point to get through our best bet is to try and find reasons not to. Many people I've heard stay for the sake of their kids.

    My reasons so far are (no kids) I'm lucky to have a lot of love so know it'd hurt them a LOT. Don't like hurting people.

    Don't wanna give in anymore to the beast, it's had me intermittently throughout my life, taken me to the lowest of low, the pits. (attempts and wanting out)

    I've known happiness, a lot of. You don't truly appreciate it until you've had extreme pain.

    The future we don't know what's ahead

    We I believe all have stength, it's buried at these times but can be bought up

    I'm working very hard on getting through deep depression that BP brings on, determined until it gets hold but the saying, "there's always hope" I think so.

    This would be controversial and I really don't know if I'm doing the right thing by good friends here, some I won't for various reasons, but if the time comes that I say enough which I really don't wanna go out this way (wanna win over this & do believe we can) so it won't be such a shock I'm talking to some about the possibility that it might but not necessarily happen, if I get to that point I'll say goodbye first to each.
    Reason is to soften the blow & also asking if it's the wrong thing to do. (preparing them)
    One today said something that made a lot of sense. Said either way you're calling out for help, some people maybe able to say stuff that'll help. Gold. She listened & helped more than probs shouldn't say who I rang but they helped in a different way and do the best they can with so many needing them & yet as she said she can't help in a professional way like others can but told her she did & thanked her.

    This'll pass, it's deep hell but at least it passes, not for many

    thx those listening :)
  30. Starwolf
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Starwolf avatar
    2521 posts
    1 August 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Hey, dear brave soul.

    I am sad that you are doing it tough but glad that you come here to vent and distract yourself.

    If you research the principle of reincarnation, you will find that it is based on the belief that we're here to learn. I must admit that finding another reason is difficult if we think we live and die and that's it. It makes no sense, does it ? And since everything in the Universe has a purpose...you get the drift.

    Anyway, we're thrown into Life without a user's manual so must figure it as we go. No wonder the belief in several lives came to be ! The theory is that from one round to the next, personality is lost ( Aussie Graham may well come back as Spanish Carmen). The only thing we get to keep are the lessons learned. Which makes perfect sense if the purpose is learning. It also makes sense that swapping gender, culture, education, life experiences is necessary. The meaning of Life may infiltrate all those but it is beyond them.

    So opting out means that -setting aside the growing up process- you automatically start another round exactly where you left it, mentally and emotionally. Food for thought...

    Wishful thinking, some might argue...hell no ! Since we are supposed to lose everything we had in a previous life except from acquired knowledge, it would defy common sense. As a matter of fact, those who believe in reincarnation only have one aim in mind...get off the dreaded merry-go-round ASAP !!!

    A heartfelt cyber hug coming your way. I hope today is a better day for you.

    2 people found this helpful

Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.


Sign me up