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Forums / Multicultural experiences / Rocky Early Childhood affecting my ability to connect with people?

Topic: Rocky Early Childhood affecting my ability to connect with people?

3 posts, 0 answered
  1. Trenty994
    Trenty994 avatar
    2 posts
    9 July 2020


    I'm 25 years old from New Zealand, I was born there in Nelson , South Island.

    My Biological Father was from Nelson, New Zealand and my Biological Mother from Taree, Australia.

    He was a carpenter and she was a seamstress, from what I know.

    They got married in Nelson , New Zealand, then had five kids total.

    Us kids were all made state wards of New Zealand (so our parent is the court/law) and put into care before eventually being put into our adoptive families. Our adoptive families are amazing and gave us amazing lives, we were treated like princes. They continue to.

    I haven't really talked about this, only with a few people who where directly involved.

    The only thing that I wonder about is why we had so little contact with any of our blood family when most of our maternal blood relatives were alive in Australia. I remember once when I was kid we got some Aussie beach towels from our Australian grandparents and a cassette with Grandad's singing but that's all the contact I remember.

    I got a phone call when I was 19 yo from my Auntie in Australia who said a lot about custody challenges my Australian family had with the New Zealand Government.

    I made a trip at 20 years old ish, to Taree, AU, to see some of my Australian Family and one of my Aunties said after they could no longer continue to follow the legal channels for custody of us kids she had fostered over 40 something foster kids.

    There's a lot I haven't put in this thread but I'm just wondering if not having more contact with my blood relatives and Australian Heritage during youth is making it difficult for me to connect with people now as a semi- young adult?

    Any advice would be nice,

    Thanks for taking the time to read my thread,


  2. Croix
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    Croix avatar
    11078 posts
    10 July 2020 in reply to Trenty994

    Dear Trent~

    Welcome here to the Forum. By the sound of it life has handed you both good an bad. Being made a ward of the state following family problems would have been no picnic, apart from anything else it might make you think your parents were more interested in their hassles than you.

    You are in care for a while then ended up with adoptive families who have shown you all the care possible -all five of you, which is amazing.

    Do you keep in contact with your brothers?

    So I would imagine that even though there is a 'happy ending' already you have been very injured by parents that went away.

    This might be quite enough to make anyone doubt themselves and have difficulties forming either casual or serious relationships with people. I hope you are in contact wiht your brothers, that I would expect be a help.

    Can I ask if you have contact with your father's family around Nelson?

    I realize there can be a strong desire to find one's natural family however your mother's family in Australia frankly sounds most peculiar. A couple of gits from grandparents might be OK, it would be hard to know their circumstances. Your 'auntie' cannot have fostered 40 children unless she was a registered foster parent in NSW and took kids in , quite possibly for the money.

    Why she should be engaged in a custody battle with the NZ Ministry For Children is beyond me, however I strongly suspect her failure to establish a claim was a lucky win for you.

    Franky I doubt that their lack of contact would have been good for you in the long term, and it might still have an effect on you, Happily I'd imagine the influence of your foster family in NZ will be the thing with the greatest long-term effect. Have you talked all this over with them? If so what do they say.

    Many 25 year olds have difficulties making firm contacts with others, it's common.However in view of your early history might I suggest you see you doctor and be referred to counseling? Many wards are troubled and this could well help a lot.

    It wold be great if you came back and talked some more



  3. Trenty994
    Trenty994 avatar
    2 posts
    11 July 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    Thanks for your post,

    We were put into two adoptive families, 3 kids older siblings (two brothers 1 sister) and my younger brother and I to another. I keep in regular contact with my younger brother. But my older siblings not so much anymore ( they're in NZ).

    I don't remember having any contact with my Kiwi blood relatives if there was any. ( Besides my siblings)

    All this has never really bothered me much in the past or dominated my thoughts, but recently it has, because I found it hard to explain complicated personal things to a potential partner. On the outside I probably appear like a regular young guy, who just works and pays his bills like anyone else. But when I jump into the dating scene I don't know what I am.

    I think my Australian grandparents wanted custody of us too because there are notes made about them spending most of their retirement on custody battles with the NZ Ministry for Children and Family Court. I think this department has been called by a few names now and has been shut down with a new department taking its place.

    My auntie and uncle said they had fostered 40 odd foster kids since, and I'm pretty sure they were registered carers, my aunt was a nurse also. They're retired now. They seemed to me like they were respected people in their community and church. I think they would of fostered kids to help the community more than more money, my uncle was a farmer and she was a nurse, so I think they would of been financially content. I think they just wanted to have some input into our lives as any family would.

    I have talked with my adoptive family about my birth parents, but I don't feel 'adopted' even though I am technically, my younger brother and I are treated like blood amongst our siblings, we treat our adoptive family the same. I don't really talk about it when there are more positive things to talk about.

    It's just that I don't know how to put it across to potential partners without coming across like 'poor me', or being too vague about it like I'm keeping secrets.

    I have to go for now but thanks for your response,



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