Trigger warning i think.. First post, new to BeyondBlue.

In 2012 I was raped, by a stranger. I've lived in denial & told no one, but I can't deny it or hold it in any longer. I can't.

He acted like a guy who was interested in me, kind, easy-going and considerate. This image very quickly smashed when he led me to the back of the club we were at, said he wanted to talk somewhere quiet and before I knew it i'd been pushed to the ground & my head was throbbing and i couldn't fight back. I couldn't make him stop. I couldn't move. I couldn't make the screaming in my head vocal. I couldn't alert anyone to my situation and i'd never ever felt more alone. He told me over & over that I liked it & i was enjoying myself & to stop fighting. I fought as hard as i could but it didn't matter. He left me with severe physical injuries that i hid from everyone & still to this day somehow feel pain from, but i can't talk about this out loud. But he left me with much more than physical injuries and its all taking its toll. Every day is a struggle. How can i find value in myself when he picked me & obviously saw something in me that made me easy prey. How do i feel physical pain from something that happened years ago? that doesn't even make sense.

Every day is overwhelming. I shiver & jump if anyone tries to touch me or get close, even colleagues and friends. How can there possibly be a way out of this.

I can't connect to people anymore. I feel mad at them for complaining about trivial problems when not just myself, but many people out there deal with serious issues every minute of every day. my whole life changed because of that night & he just got to walk away like nothing happened. What does he think now. Does he even care. Probably not.

I feel like i'm just a ghost, a shell of a person and barely a representation of the person I used to be. I used to be funny. I used to be outgoing, courageous, the class clown, kind, considerate, aware, bold, brave, strong. The person I am now is not even a resemblance of who i was before that night.

Hi SuperMeggy, welcome to BeyondBlue. I hope you will find this forum to be a place where you can feel supported, safe, and validated. I know I have and I am someone who has always lived in fear of what others may think of me.

I am so sorry to hear what has happened to you. It is so heartbreaking to hear stories like this where a traumatic incident has occurred and you feel like you cannot tell anyone about it. What's more is that it has had such a massive impact on you as a person and has changed your personality significantly.

I know, from the people I have met in my life who have had similar experiences to you, is that there is hope and there are ways to help you move past it where it doesn't have the hold on you as it does now.

I was wondering if you have tried to make contact with a mental health professional? If not, would you be willing to try that? Or maybe you might find it easier to let family and friends know first?

Thanks for sharing this here. Trust me, you will find a lot of people on these forums who DO care and who will be willing to talk things through.

Dear SuperMeggy,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and well done for finally telling someone - us - about your horrific experience.

I too was brutally raped when I was 17, and I know how awful it was for me to keep re-living it over and over in my head. It's a terrible thing to have to deal with and no woman, or indeed any person should ever be violated like that.

However, it's not too late to make a statement, if you want to pursue getting him charged. That too is a very big path to go down ....... one that I never did. Mainly because in my case I knew my attacker (he'd been my boyfriend for a few weeks before that) and he said he would kill me if I told anyone. Of course, he knew where I lived, so I was so incredibly scared. Many years later though, I did make a 'statement of no complaint' which basically means that it's on record, but no charges would be laid. I was just too scared to do anything more.

There are also counseling support services out there for survivors of sexual assault, which I would highly recommend you seek. Usually your local community health centre is a good place to start; if they don't provide that particular counseling service, then they would surely be able to point you in the right direction. And there's a number you can call - 1800 737 732 - is a helpline, and this website may also help:

https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/sexual-assault-and-abuse-helplines

On another note, I was also in a bushfire when I was 12 and for many, many years, it seemed to me as though everything always smelled as if it was burning or burnt. I felt as though I could smell fire for the next 5 years, thought I could hear it in the wind, and thought every sunset or sunrise was cause to flee.

Our brains are very complex machines, and trauma can do all sorts of things to us. Re-living the experience, without any tools to process those thoughts and feelings, is where counseling may help. You may not ever forget what happened, but you CAN live a better life.

And remember, it's HIM that did the attacking, NOT you that did anything to invite it. HE is responsible, not you. You have demonstrated your worth now simply by not keeping the secret any longer. It's here on Beyond Blue.

I do hope that you get yourself some help and support to get through this, and get back to living a life that doesn't involve jumping at shadows.

Take care. I'll look out for your reply. xo

Hi all,

This is just a quick note to say this year-old thread is closing as SuperMeggy has started a new one on the same topic here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/ptsd-trauma/anniversary-of-attack#qxGGNXHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A