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Forums / PTSD & Trauma / No more hope

Topic: No more hope

  1. Seeta
    Seeta  avatar
    24 posts
    4 June 2020

    I feel disgusting talking about it but I’m really suffering at the moment. I have been through a lot in my life including the loss of my parents, the loss of a loved one, sexual abuse, family violence and right now an abusive relationship. Also, once the pandemic started, I felt sick and had all the symptoms of the Covid but there was no place that would test me for it. After doing an X-ray, they found viral infection in my lung but I couldn’t get the thought of having the virus out of my mind. Ever since my mental health has been awful.

    At 24 I feel like this is the end of the world for me, I have a beautiful little daughter who is very cheerful and loving but being a mum with mental disorder makes me feel sick about myself. I can’t think, I can’t sleep, I can’t find anything that makes me happy and I can’t get out of the house or my anxiety will kill me. I am currently also doing a degree at uni which is another burden for now . I feel like I can’t recognise many people anymore and everything seems unfamiliar for me. The doctor has put me on antidepressants which hasn’t worked as of now but I’m hoping that it will. I’m also seeing a psychologist who is the sweetest person I have even known. I feel very hopeless and worthless at the moment. My partner is no help at all as he believes mental illness doesn’t exist and that we make our mind to always think negative. I’m constantly told many negative things including that I am worthless, lazy, mental and that I have grown in hell. The only reason I’m here today is because of my daughter.

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6597 posts
    4 June 2020 in reply to Seeta
    Hi Seeta,

    We're so grateful you found our valued online forums community and showed such bravery in sharing this with us. We want you to know you've found a safe, non-judgmental place where people give and receive support to each other based on shared understanding. You don't have to face all this alone and we're here to give you as much support, advice and conversation as you want.

    Because you mention the pandemic restrictions, we thought we'd let you know about our dedicated Coronavirus Mental Wellbeing Support Service: https://coronavirus.beyondblue.org.au/. It has a lot of useful information to help people get through these unusual times as well as specially trained and qualified mental health professionals ready to offer support, advice, some counselling and referrals. You can call them any time on 1800 512 348 or talk to them online via webchat which can be accessed here: https://coronavirus.beyondblue.org.au/general/chat-online.html

    Whenever you feel up to it, do please check back and let us know how you're getting on. 
    1 person found this helpful
  3. White Rose
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    4 June 2020 in reply to Seeta

    Dear Seeta

    Hello and welcome. I echo Sophie's comments about investigating our coronavirus website. I think you will find it helpful. Another online help is the 1800RESPECT page. Please copy this address into your browser. https://www.1800respect.org.au/ It will be made into a live link in a little while but until then a copy & paste will get you there.

    I am so very sorry to learn about your difficulties and I do urge you to take steps to get out of your abusive relationship. I know this is hard to do for all sorts of reasons which is why I think it will be good to contact 1800Respect. It is all about domestic abuse.

    Depression and anxiety always shows itself as a loss of self-confidence, sleeplessness, loss of concentration, and fear of just about anything. Your partner is totally wrong about there being no such thing as mental illness, particularly when he uses abuse to get his own way. You can find some information on this web site by going to The Facts tab at the top of the page and scrolling down to the topics you want to investigate. Please feel free to post as much as you wish here. We are listening.

    Mary

    2 people found this helpful
  4. Pete66
    Pete66 avatar
    16 posts
    5 June 2020
    I think you have too much going on in your life
    Mother, uni student, work and probably homemaker
    Maybe defer uni for a couple of years , or find a job with less hours . Talk to your partner and see if he can take on more homeduties
    2 people found this helpful
  5. josh1245
    josh1245 avatar
    176 posts
    5 June 2020 in reply to Seeta
    hey Seeta I would like to say welcome to this wonderful online community I'm pretty new too and I'm felt extremely welcome already. Firstly you should never feel disgusted for asking for help I'm extremely proud of you and inspired of your amazing strength in asking for help. secondly I urge you to take the steps to get out of your abusive relationship you are a amazing person and no one should feel scared in their own home, like pete66 has stated above me you have so much on your plate and your feeling extremely overwhelmed so maybe defer from uni for a bit and try to setup your life into a stress free loving environment so that's why I urge you to leave your abusive partner because they are damaging your health a partner is supposed to support the person they love not put them down so I believe in order for the sake of your health you need to get out of that negative environment.
    1 person found this helpful
  6. living experience
    living experience avatar
    1 posts
    9 June 2020 in reply to Seeta
    Hi Seeta....what you are describing is very typical of how we feel when we are depressed...sleeplessness, self-criticism, anxiety, self-loathing and the lack of any joy. I know these feelings very well and have decided to get help. I believe my life will get better with support and change and I hope yours will too. I have an appointment on Monday and I'm really trying to hold it together until then. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate. It is good you have shared your feelings here. There is lots of support available and I encourage you to contact 1800Respect, as suggested previously. It is great you have a good relationship with your psychologist. I hope it gives you some comfort knowing you are not alone and that we who experience depression are very familiar with the feelings you describe. I also hope that you will feel more comfortable sharing your feelings on this forum in the future.
    1 person found this helpful
  7. Seeta
    Seeta  avatar
    24 posts
    9 June 2020
    Thanks everyone for the comments, I really don’t feel alone on this forum. The reason I’m still continuing with my studies is because if I can make it, I’m about to graduate in 1-2 months time. With the abusive partner, I think he needs to be educated about the concept of mental health conditions and I’m taking steps to take him to see a counsellor so he can better understand how I feel. I don’t know where I am right now but I hope I feel better in the near future. I am tired of always being in my mind and of things looking so fake.
    2 people found this helpful
  8. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    2685 posts
    9 June 2020 in reply to Seeta

    Hi Seeta

    You have an astounding level of natural intelligence. You're a truly inspirational person facing a lot of unnatural challenges

    • It's far from natural to lose both our parents so early in life
    • It should in no way whatsoever be a natural experience in life to face sexual abuse. We should naturally expect protection and care
    • It's far from natural, to rise to confidence and self love in a relationship that brings us down and deforms our way of thinking when we're trying to reform our self in positive ways
    • As kids, we should naturally be raised in an environment that promotes relaxation, activity and inspiration. The environment you were raised in sounds like it was an unnatural generator of anxiety and fear

    And here you are, trying in so many ways to raise yourself beyond all that. You're one of the unsung heroes in life. You seek to educate yourself, you seek to educate your partner in understanding the mindset and chemistry in depression and anxiety, you've managed brilliantly to find guidance and support for yourself and you're raising a beautiful gift without a lot of reference as to how to raise her. You are raising everyone.

    You mention 'I’m constantly told many negative things including that I am worthless, lazy, mental and that I have grown in hell. The only reason I’m here today is because of my daughter.' Truth is

    • You are far from worthless. You are amazing. If you were to become a speaker, going around giving inspiring talks about what it takes to raise yourself out of abuse and tragedy, there is no doubt you'd get a round of applause from every audience you speak to
    • I'd like to think you laze occasionally. You deserve to. It's good for our overall health, to give our self time out and do a bit of lazing. Also, in depression, it can definitely be hard to find the motivation to be on the go, due to an imbalance of chemistry. Anxiety can also prove pretty exhausting at times. Lot's of reasons for lazing but it doesn't make us lazy in a negative sense
    • Most folk who love the labels of mental, nuts, crazy and so on are seriously questionable folk when it comes to their behaviour. Observe them more. The 'sane' ones have some seriously questionable issues
    • You've raised yourself out of hell and you've met heaven on earth in your daughter, the most natural person you know

    It's natural to occasionally take a step back and detach from the insanity of life. This is where reality shifts and you realise you've been the most sane person all along.

    :)

    2 people found this helpful
  9. Seeta
    Seeta  avatar
    24 posts
    9 June 2020 in reply to therising

    Wow!!

    All the comments I got made me feel so good about myself and I feel so relieved there are people who understand what we go through without even knowing us. But Thereising, you comment made my day and it gives me so much more energy and encouragement. Thank you so much 🙂

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Seeta
    Seeta  avatar
    24 posts
    11 June 2020
    I’m back in because the struggles have got really bad. I’m starting to have no emotions at all and have negative feelings and thoughts all the time. I don’t enjoy a single thing anymore and people are starting to look really scary to me. I feel like I’m not one of them. Nothing gives me hope. I feel really worthless and hopeless...
    1 person found this helpful
  11. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6597 posts
    11 June 2020 in reply to Seeta
    Hi Seeta,

    We are so glad that you have reached out here tonight to let us know how you've been feeling. We're sorry to hear that you're struggling right now, but please know that our community is here to support you through this. You're never alone here, and if you would like some extra support to talk through these feelings, please know that you can always contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime, on 1300 22 4636 or you can get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport
    In addition to this, the counsellors at Lifeline and Suicide Call Back Service are always available via phone for your most difficult moments:
    •  Lifeline - 13 11 14 (online chat available 7pm-12am) 
    •  Suicide Call Back Service - 1300 659 467 (online chat available 24/7)
    We hope that being part of this community can bring you some comfort and help you to feel a little less alone. Please feel free to keep checking back in and let us know how you are going when you feel up to it.
    1 person found this helpful
  12. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    2685 posts
    11 June 2020 in reply to Seeta

    Hi Seeta

    So sorry to hear you are struggling more than ever. It always leads me to feel sorrow when I hear someone is in the deepest stage of despair. I see Sophie has been thoughtful and supportive in giving you some life lines. Grab hold of one whenever you need to. Do it for your daughter, if not for yourself.

    Not sure if this will be of any help but I just want to put it out there in case it does make a difference to you. In looking back at my time in depression, I'm now fortunate enough to be able to understand my darkest times and all those statements I made during them. 'I can't do this anymore' was true. I couldn't do that person (my suffering self) and that life of sufferance anymore. 'I can't stand this world anymore' was true. The world I saw back then was one where people didn't appear to care. Outside of depression, I found the careful ones. They can definitely be hard to find Seeta. Lots of them here on the forums, for sure. The careful ones listen, they don't judge harshly, they try raising you to possibility and different ways of thinking. They love you wholeheartedly, without question. You are loved here because everyone here knows you are worth loving.

    I recall when I first came out of my depression, it was as though I'd lost my identity. It was kind of like my old self (the way I'd always identified myself) had disappeared. It felt like I was given the gift of starting again. Believe it or not Seeta, the reaction from most of the people around me was not what you'd expect. Although they were somewhat happy for me, they found it difficult to identify with me. So...back down I went, prepared to conform, so as to not upset others too much. Didn't go back into depression, just a kind of disappointment, which hung around for a number of years. Fast forward to about 10 months ago.

    Sitting outside at home on my own, I decided to meditate. I meditated on receiving some inspiration following a statement which was coming back into my life again, 'I can't do this anymore'. Suddenly, what came to mind was 'You have to let go'. I thought 'But I cant'. If I let go of this person I am, who will I be?' All that kept coming to mind was 'Let go. Trust'. It was hard Seeta. Eventually, I thought 'Okay, I let go!' Suddenly, I started balling my eyes out, which went on for a while. It felt like a part of me died and I was relieved.

    To sacrifice our (old) self can involve tremendous grief/loss before overwhelming liberation comes our way.

    :)

    2 people found this helpful
  13. Seeta
    Seeta  avatar
    24 posts
    12 June 2020 in reply to therising

    Dear the Rising, thanks for all the encouraging and kind words. I still have some hope here which is my daughter and I know she is the purest of all. I am still taking each day as it comes and don’t look too much into future. I have also recovered from an 8 year of eating disorder and have fully recovered in the last 2 months. I know I should be proud of myself but then I also feel really really hopeless and worthless.

    I would say as for myself, there is zero hope for now but I’m wishing all will get better in future.

    1 person found this helpful
  14. Seeta
    Seeta  avatar
    24 posts
    12 June 2020 in reply to Sophie_M
    Thanks you too Sophie_M :)
    1 person found this helpful
  15. josh1245
    josh1245 avatar
    176 posts
    12 June 2020 in reply to Seeta
    hey seeta your welcome its our job to look after one another I'm so proud of you that even though you are going through a hard time at the moment you are determined and nearly going to graduate I'm so proud of you.
    2 people found this helpful
  16. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    2685 posts
    12 June 2020 in reply to Seeta

    Hi Seeta

    Any time you want to chat about anything, I'm here. If you want to express your sadness, your intolerance, your anger your achievements or your struggles...go for it.

    Congrats on your reform regarding the eating disorder, seriously powerful progress which is worth celebrating. Your daughter has such a powerful example, in her mum, of determination and reformation. You both have the incredible ability to raise each other in a lot of ways.

    Our kids have the ability of raise us when we don't even notice they're doing it. My son will be 15 next month and my daughter's 17. The 3 of us have come a long way, raising each other. Occasionally I look back at the first 3 years of my little girls life, wishing she didn't have to face having a mum who was depressed. I try not to beat myself up over it too much. I tell my self 'It was not my fault, it was a fault in the chemistry in my brain'. I still remember how she used to hug me when I'd have occasional breakdowns, with her little arms around me. She raised me to understand I was loved unconditionally. My son coming into this world eventually raised me to the need to attend Post Natal Depression group therapy. Would never have considered group therapy in a million years if it wasn't for having had him. My daughter has said in the past how her brother (in a round about way) finally got me out of my 15 or so years in depression. As I say to her 'He may have led me out but you got me through the last few hopeless years. You have no idea how powerful you are'. I believe, often our child or children will raise us to meet incredible challenges that we would not normally consider meeting. We come to better our self because of them. We come to raise our self because of them. They raise us through every potentially soul destroying challenge. The song 'You raise me up' comes to mind.

    Another song I absolutely love is 'This is me'. Best version on YouTube is The Greatest Showman cast version, as the words appear on the screen. I shed a tear or more every time I listen/watch it. It's so powerful. While there may be a lot of people who try to break us down to dust...we are glorious.

    Give your daughter a hug every time you sense her raising you. This will raise her too. You are an incredible team.

    :)

    2 people found this helpful
  17. Seeta
    Seeta  avatar
    24 posts
    12 June 2020 in reply to josh1245

    Thanks Josh

    Yeah I’m finishing my degree in 2 weeks time hopefully. But it’s sad that it doesn’t make me happy at all.

    thanks for being there to listen :)

    2 people found this helpful
  18. Seeta
    Seeta  avatar
    24 posts
    12 June 2020 in reply to therising
    Thank you so much Therising, thanks for giving so much of your time to reply all my boring posts. I really appreciate that. I wish I could reach you privately to talk to you whenever I could but that is fine. Thanks for being on this forum.
    1 person found this helpful
  19. Seeta
    Seeta  avatar
    24 posts
    12 June 2020 in reply to josh1245

    Thanks Josh

    yeah hopefully I’m finishing my degree in 2 weeks time if I am able to do my assessments. Thanks for being there to listen.

    1 person found this helpful
  20. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    4567 posts
    12 June 2020 in reply to Seeta

    Dear Seeta

    YOU ARE AMAZING! Look into your little girls eyes and see the love she radiates back to you, that's the LOVE YOU invested in her. Take joy in her sweet little heart because yours is JUST as big.

    OMG TWO WEEKS of Uni! Girlfriend you're almost at the finishing post woohoo! Now is the sprint section of the marathon you've been running. Get there and have this ONE major hurdle behind you. Then breathe lol.
    Focus now. Concentrate. Pull out all stops to get there. I've done 3 degrees and in disgusting situations. Boy I am SO GLAD I did. My hard work then has paid for everything since. You can do this. You've done it so far ;-)

    I can't wait to celebrate with you.

    Another member posted something like this recently "Before you diagnose yourself with a mental illness, just make sure you're not surrounded by ____holes". Ring true for you?

    We can help you sort through stuff after your degree is finished and before and during, whenever you want.

    Music really helps me power through hard times: I love Beyoncé when I need some GIRL power. Bruno Mars Uptown Funk and some Cee Lo Green.

    Love EM

    1 person found this helpful
  21. Seeta
    Seeta  avatar
    24 posts
    12 June 2020 in reply to ecomama
    Dear EM thanks for replying. Yeah I think I should have gotten rid of them but that’s not possible for the sake of my daughter. I have no family what so ever. My parents have passed away and my siblings got busy with their lives and families.
    1 person found this helpful
  22. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    4567 posts
    12 June 2020 in reply to Seeta

    Seeta said:Dear EM thanks for replying. Yeah I think I should have gotten rid of them but that’s not possible for the sake of my daughter. I have no family what so ever. My parents have passed away and my siblings got busy with their lives and families.

    Hi Seeta

    You certainly have shared life experiences with so many people. You're not alone, you have those who know what it feels like and us here.

    You DO have a family. You have your own family. Remember no one's family or life is perfect, they all have their challenges.

    You've identified your challenges VERY well, so you will realise:
    - which things can be completed (Uni),
    - what you ALREADY have, a beautiful family,
    - what you may have influence over to change.

    Nothing, and I mean ABSOLUTELY nothing stays the same. It's impossible. I know right now, or when you started this thread, you felt very little joy. This can ALSO change.

    Embrace the NOW and know you've got this.

    As you pull more influence over the things you CAN change, you will realise your power more and more.

    How many sleeps left until you've finished Uni?

    EM

    1 person found this helpful
  23. josh1245
    josh1245 avatar
    176 posts
    12 June 2020 in reply to Seeta
    hey Seeta no problem were always here for you I completely understand what you feel because I been through that myself when I achieve something I feel empty like when I finished year last year and got into my course I want and I have been doing well but I still feel empty inside sometimes. so I understand but im here for you and everyone in beyondblue is here for you.
    2 people found this helpful
  24. Seeta
    Seeta  avatar
    24 posts
    13 June 2020 in reply to josh1245
    Thanks Josh and good luck with everything.
  25. Seeta
    Seeta  avatar
    24 posts
    13 June 2020

    I am just posting again as this time I wanna thank everyone for all the beautiful messages and words you have put together and gave me so much hope and and encouragement through tour. I have started contacting and catching up with my friends and relatives. I am also enjoying more doing activities such as taking my daughter to the playground and going shopping as well as cooking healthy.m and more

    I so much look forward into finishing my degree and getting a job and becoming financially and mentally independent. I also forward to raising my daughter into a strong person as I know she is one of the smartest, loveliest and strongest person I have seen in my whole life. I have also realised that there are so many people who love me just the way I am and find me to be a strong person.

    I have come into conclusion that the past is where it belongs and that by constantly bring it up, I won’t only ruin the present moment I am in but also give so much negative energy to people around me.

    Ofcourse, we all have regrets in life but I am trying to learn to adore all the mistakes I have made in life, all the wrong people I have met in life and all the bad things if any I have done in the past for they have made me the person I am today.

    There are moments everyday where I feel very overwhelmed and don’t know what to do and there are times when my brain exists my body and my soul is into so much pain but I constantly remind myself that no feelings are permanent and so is not life. I also contact my psychologist whenever I struggle and don’t know what to do and With no surprise she replies me straight away as I already mentioned she is the most beautiful human being and she has helped me so much over the years.

    And again, I might come into this thread from time to time and talk about feelings, but as I said and we all know that nothing is permanent.

    With much love,

    from me 🙂

  26. Seeta
    Seeta  avatar
    24 posts
    13 June 2020
    Sorry for any grammatical and other mistakes I have made into that post 😃.
  27. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    4567 posts
    13 June 2020 in reply to Seeta

    Dear Seeta

    What a lovely post and so integrated. You described your daughter so beautifully and it's clear to see where she got those wonderful qualities from - her mum.

    Bestest wishes for finishing your degree and moving into your field. I'm sure you're going to knock them out!

    I'd love to hear how you're going from time to time.

    Love EM

    1 person found this helpful
  28. Seeta
    Seeta  avatar
    24 posts
    16 June 2020

    I’m back in as I feel sh*t today. Last night my assignment was due but I could not finish it and i had failed to apply for extension. I have obsessive thoughts about people’s appearance and why are they looking how they are looking and a lot more. And I think of them differently too. I was called worthless again over the weekend and I feel it now.

    I am at the point where I am asking myself what is the point of life anymore and I hate being in this body that I am right now.

    I wish I could go into a long sleep waking up finding everything being normal.

  29. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    2685 posts
    16 June 2020 in reply to Seeta

    Hi Seeta

    I truly feel for you so much right now as the struggle becomes overwhelming for you.

    Wondering if you can seek an overdue extension on the grounds of compassion. Being able to speak to someone regarding mental health challenges may grant you what you need.

    It's definitely hard to stop comparing our self to other people. When I look at other people, I try to imagine what leads them to look the way they do. While in the past, I might have compared myself to some slim woman going for a run, now I say to myself 'You too could look that way if you put as much effort in as her', if that's the way I wanted to look. I don't necessarily feel the need by the way. Or if someone's wearing an outfit I wish I had the guts to wear, these days I see that person as being inspirational, instead of being jealous of their confidence. So, every perception challenges me. I have grown to love studying people, wondering about what makes them tick and how they challenge me in different ways.

    Seeta, being called worthless is seriously questionable. Highly questionable. I can easily see how valuable you are. What the heck is wrong with the person who can't see it, the person who has commented on your worth or value? Seriously, what's wrong with them?! For a start, I can pick one obvious fault they have - They do not have a filter. Who the heck says this sort of thing out loud, when they believe such rubbish? Keep it to yourself I say Okay, sorry 'bout that. I'm getting pretty triggered now because I know you're amazing and this person is a flat out liar.

    I've discovered over time how we can come to be a bit of a human lie detector. You'll be able to feel this for yourself at times, so you know what I mean. When someone tells a lie about us, to us, we'll feel it through our body, as a sensation. It's uncomfortable. When someone tells the truth about us, it will lift our spirits. Every time this person tells you a lie, like you're worthless, you'll feel it and you'll know they're lying. Degrading people naturally agitate me. I have a few in my life and, I tell you, the second they walk in the room I'm triggered to agitation. I'm so sensitive to them that I have to talk myself down and calm myself down if I have to be around them. They set off my nervous system in a big way sometimes. My s**t detector naturally switches on when I'm with them. One of the up sides of being sensitive :)

    Wondering what kind of 'normal' you're searching for or are you searching for natural?

    :)

    1 person found this helpful
  30. Seeta
    Seeta  avatar
    24 posts
    16 June 2020 in reply to therising

    Hi TheRising and thanks for the reply. I’m not searching for anything I guess but I might have developed this disassociation problem after so much trauma in my life.

    As I said previously I have just recovered from an eating disorder so I think having these obsessive thoughts are just a way to fill the gap I was feeling with food, eating and other things...

    I talked to my psychologist this morning, she made me feel a bit better and told me some techniques I can use. Honestly life is a bit too hard sometimes.

    1 person found this helpful

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