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Forums / PTSD & Trauma / Spiralling out of control

Topic: Spiralling out of control

3 posts, 0 answered
  1. Harry S
    Harry S avatar
    1 posts
    12 June 2020

    Hi I’m Harry, 20. I’m not the one to try and reach out, talk to my friends or family cause I hate people I love, worry about me so I thought I’d try this

    I honestly can’t remember the last time I was truly happy. anyway long story short. I was sexually abused by a family “friend” multiple time around the age of 9-10. I grew up in a India till the age of 12 with my mum and sister, my dad was rarely in my life as he was working in aus trying to get us here. The person I looked up to, a father figure I guess, was my uncle, my best friend. Just before we were ready to move to aus he committed suicide.

    Ever since that day I’ve just been just numb. I started experiencing major depression and anxiety towards the end of high school. It has progressively gotten worse, I’ve tried committing suicide 3 times now. I’ve tried pretty much everything. SSRIs, Therapy, even talking to a close friend. Nothing works and it keeps getting worse. Now, Difficulty sleeping and when I do sleep I have horrible nightmares. They usually end with me dying.

    Recently i have been experiencing something wired it feels like I’m someone else, like my arms and hands don’t belong to me and I keep catching myself Making up these wild imaginary worlds with people I know in them and playing out scenarios in so much detail. Last weekend I broke down I’m front of my mates and started weeping. I only see one path forward and I don’t want to do that for the sake of my friends and family. Any help and guidance would greatly be appreciated. Thx
  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6652 posts
    12 June 2020 in reply to Harry S
    Hi Harry S,
    First of all can we say how grateful we are that you felt brave enough to reach out to our welcoming online forums community with what must be some very scary feelings you are having. We understand that this must be really tough, especially with these new experiences that you are having. We want you to know you have come to a safe and non-judgmental place where members give and receive support based on sharing their own experiences with mental health. We're here to give you as much support, advice and conversation as you need.
    The qualified mental health professionals at our support service have sent you a private message to offer some extra support.
     It might also be worth getting in touch with an organisation called Headspace. Headspace is an organisation specifically for young people aged 12-25 and they offer a wide range of services including counselling and a group chat on their webpage.

     Thanks again for reaching out as we know that it can be really tough to do this for the first time. We hope that you find some comfort here in the words of wisdom and kindness that our community can offer.

    Once again, we thank you for your bravery in reaching out to us here today. We know it's not an easy step to take. Please do keep checking in with us here and updating us about your mental health journey whenever you feel like it.
  3. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    10955 posts
    22 June 2020 in reply to Harry S

    Dear HarryS~

    OK welcome here HarryS, if I knew your traditional greeting I'd use it so you might know you belong here. Mine would be diwrnod da from Wales, where I had best of my upbringing

    You hurt, and I guess the are two ways to talk. The first is the logical, that with time, therapy and very competent specialist care - plus love if you are lucky and receive and give it - you will come to see there is a life you can tolerate and later enjoy

    I know it's true, I've been there, though for different reasons. Even down to making up scenarios like you, only mine were so I had 'another chance' at things, though it never seemed to work.

    All very logical, and at the time I would not have listened, my disbelief too strong, the news too improbable.

    Actually I ended up asking for help, spelled out my thoughts of killing myself again, and ended up in hospital.

    A bit of a mixed bag. The Staff were so-so, and the other patients made me sad. Ones staff nurse was kind, gave me books to escape into. Actually went to his home specially, got them and gave them to me. They were fantasies.

    Basically adolescent's books, but they gave me a retreat, a way to get away from the world into another, where heroes and heroines lived happily ever after and villains got their just deserts.

    I still read fantasy, always with happy endings. Movies too.

    Before you were injured by the family 'freind' I wonder. In may own case there is a place I retreat to in my mind when getting overwhelmed, or simply need to break out of my thoughts. I could use a program called Smiling Mind, which does help, and if you practice drives memories -and nightmares- away for a little while.

    The only problem I find is that the calm does not last as it is not taking you anywhere, not like the books.

    So I have a mental place in my mind I call up. It is from the happy part of my childhood and is a scene standing on a cliff, looking at grey windy seas, with squalls of rain. It blows me till I stagger and rain washes my face and I feel the largeness of the world, all the possibilities - plus apart from my face I'm snug, dressed warmly.

    There is more to life that you have been shown. Crying -me too -is no big thing,

    Think on this, your father figure, who took his life. Being a father figure works two ways, It is more than possible your presence kept him alive a lot longer than he had originally intended, you may have given him a few years of contentment, or at least made life bearable.

    Talk some more


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